| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:30:57 AM | Oh, and to clarify again the question is not 'Do you want me to lie' it is 'Why would you want me to'.. But from this point on feel free to see the question as:
'WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO LIE TO YOU IF I CHEATED?'
To make things clear... I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYONE AND NEVER INTEND TO :D I will not be removing the poly bits from my profile unless I actually decide I want a 'normal' ol mono relationship. I'm just looking for a deeper understanding. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 7:20:03 AM | Jaded:
Nope... you understood me correctly. It's an interesting concept - "sharing" yourself with others. I can see your points, and where you are coming from. And I'm glad it's working for you, but it certainly wouldn't work for me. I enjoy the comfort of devotion to one woman, and her to me. And as long as these women are away this is your lifestyle right from the get-go, I have no problems with it. | |
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j5rush
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Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 28 | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:23:48 AM | jaded, sorry if my post came off catty, I didn't mean it that way. When I said, "as people mature" I meant it relatively. I didn't mean for it to sound so personal, or like name calling.
Also, I have thought more about your question, and well, if somebody doesn't want to face the reality of their personal relationship, (whatever that reality is), then what other real things will they not want to face? Will they not want to deal with the fact their taxes are due? Will they not want to deal with the fact that if they don't go to work they'll get fired? I mean, ducking out on truth is not a trait that bodes well for the future. Even if you're not planning a life with that person, everyday interaction could become seriously complicated. You'd have to wonder about their mental stability in general.
Intimacy, sex, these things aren't free anymore. We have aids to consider now, so honesty is more important now than ever before. Don't start telling lies to make them feel better, the truth will clobber them over the head when it's time. No point in putting it off. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:31:08 AM | I would much rather have the person be honest with me, even if it's going to hurt.
If he wants to be polyamorous and he's happy with it, then let him carry on, but let everybody involved know where they stand and if they can all accept it, then no problem. (I would not be sticking around. I don't want to be a piece in somebody's collection or be Number 3 or 4 on the pecking order).
It can be pretty heartbreaking if you think you're the 'special' person in his life only to find out there are five or six others who think the same thing. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 9:02:17 AM | If you wish to be in a polyamouros situation and everyone in that relationship is fine with it then go for it.
For me it would not be of interest as I believe in monogamy.
As far as your question
Why would you want me to lie to you if I cheated?
I don't really believe that anyone would prefer to be actively lied to. And for me being lied to is as much of a deal breaker as cheating. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 8:26:46 PM | I think maybe it's the cheating aspect that is getting everyone riled up.
This thread is becoming a 'defend your lifestyle' thread, which is not why the OP asked the question.
From my understanding of Poly, and I've had personal experieince with this, it is about open communication between all partners. Often both the man and women (married or not) have other partners. This means LOTS of communication in order for it to work, the more people the more complicated it can get. So NO I can't see how this woul dbe the easy way out.
Is it cheating if they know you are going on a date?
Cheating defined = is lying, deceiving, to mislead, fool, with holding information from another.
In a poly relationship there is said to be none of this. I have seen partners go to great lenghts to make everyone involved feel loved, apprieciated and like they are number one.
If you are truely poly you WILL tell any new people u date. Lying about it is not an option.
I agree if the person says they accept it, but don't want to know when you are going out.... then they likely haven't accepted it and are just hoping you'll get over this phase you are going through.
I can see that this would not be for everyone, it's a life style preference. It's only fair to your partner that they know your preference so they can decide to continue the relationship with you or not.
Happy fishing.
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/12/2007 10:30:18 AM | a sweet fishy seyz:
nipoleon, I have never once met a TRUE polyamorous person who DIDN'T allow their partners to be also. That makes no sense.
I agree. If a person cannot handle their own jealousy or other feelings when their mates have other partners, then IMO they are disrespecting their mates. The whole point of polyamory is the philosophy behind it.
Some people have relationships with multiple people and they have a closed system... that may have started with the Vee not wanting the others to have multiple partners. Personally, I think that is selfish and a control thing, but I'm sure every situation is unique. Besides, everyone has the potential to be selfish.
New partners not knowing you are polyamorous is being selfish, whether they can deal with hearing about it or not. That only applies if they are looking for a relationship. You can't go on lying to people. If they just want a one night stand... well, I guess you call that however you want.
As an aside to miss flirting with polyandry... I'm curious how your vision of this is not precisely polyamory, but more like a better business arrangement for the queen? IMO if you open the sea up to yourself, then you have to open yourself up to the sea. Play little fishies, and play safe, but don't go finding a pseudo-psychological justification for lying to people or leading people on. That does nothing for the cause of lifestyle acceptance. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 3/25/2007 4:31:36 PM | Personally I have always told people up front that I am polyamorous. I posted a profile on POF hoping to find someone I could share my life with. Part of my life is my boyfriend and girlfriend of two years. They are a married couple that I have been friends with for 8 years.
I really didn't think I would find someone who would want an actual relationship with me as I was quite honest and upfront about my relationship with them. But the fates were with me and I met my girlfriend Sue through POF. She is polyamorous as well so now we are all one big happy family :D
If I had lied about my life choices I would have ended up in a relationship with someone who probably would not understand why I wanted my b/f and g/f to remain in my life as both friends and lovers.
Honesty really is the best policy ;)
For those who want to go through life with blinders on let them....just know you won't be a part of my life :D | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 7/25/2007 3:09:57 PM | My opinion?
I think it is a way of saying they are so insecure they would consume themselves with fears if they knew it was going on. If they were lied to, they could pretend self confidence more effectively and live without having to control their own tendency toward rampant self doubt and fears about self worth.
I have never gotten a very coherent answer, but that is what I have pieced together from the subject myself. I think a lot of people are a lot more insecure than they realize and wouldn't say that thought out loud if they realized they were basically saying "I am too insecure to deal with honesty".
Me, I would rather deal with my sh*t and get over myself and move on and be happy and enjoy the opportunities life presents without being lied to. But it isn't for everyone, either because they can't multi-task love (a healthy reason not to be okay with the idea of poly), or because they are too emotionally a mess to cope (the lie to me instead crowd). | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 7/25/2007 9:29:57 PM |
...with full knowledge and consent by everyone involved Taken right out of your fond definition from Wikipedia...this totally negates your question. If you aren't honest and up front about it, then you aren't truly being polyamorous are you? I cannot even fathom people preferring you to lie about it. Perhaps you don't like the response when you're truthful, but you have to respect the fact that not everyone will share your lifestyle choice, and move on to someone that does.
Right on...the term she meant to use was "non-monogamous" aka, someone who has multiple partners in the guise of monogamy, but is dishonest about it.
Now for the second part...why would someone prefer to be lied to?
Well, they're looking outwardly for social approval instead of inwardly for a healthy relationship based on their own desires and values. There's less social stigma in getting cheated on than there is in openly accepting a polyamorous relationship.
I think a lot of the non-monogamous people ought to become braver and adopt the ethics of the poly community. However, they're afraid they will scare away all their potential mates because poly doesn't conform to social norms. Yet, their poly nature is overpowering, and they simply cannot stay within the bounds of monogamy because it is against their nature. Hence the cheating.
That's truly sad that it is more acceptable to lie and hurt someone than be honest. Poly is actually incredibly common and normal desire! It is part of our genetic heritage! There's countless scientific studies showing that primates want a stable long term partner to raise children, but also want as many one night stands as possible. This is simply genetic risk management. Unfortulately our wierd species of primate has developed this language stuff that gets in the way of propagating our genes! =) | |
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j5rush
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Joined: 4/13/2006
Msg: 40 | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:36:00 PM | polyamorous is wonderful when it goes well and people do know about each other...
the one i'm in is a bit different...got a cyber-bf in Belgium,2 male friends with benefits,
on his end he's got 2 male friends and 2 female friends...one girl-friend dumped him...
she was seeing another guy she didn't tell him about...she broke a rule and broke his heart...
things are getting back to normal...although I get flak from people about it...don't care anyway...
Cheating is very painful to everyone involved...how could anyone prefer it???? | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:10:39 PM | To answer your question OP- I think up front and honest is best for all concerned.
I have my own theory, emotional hurt and pain has lead "them"to shut off from true emotions with a monogomous relationship - which has lead to this lifestyle (IMHO)
Questions to polyamorous folks:
How does this work ?when one partner goes off to 'service' the other partner(s), are you told/asked first ? do you just stay at home and watch tv as if nothing unusual is taking place? do you think about the intimacy taking place? when they come home do you smell the afterglow and get a twinge of jealousy? do you talk about the positions how many times they came? Is anything about the other persons discussed? what are the rules? is recreational intimacy (sex) ok, but not a lunch/dinner date with the other person(s)? Are condoms worn always? is the lack of it a concern to the parties? are there rules to how many are allowed in the poly circle? what about samesex partnering? are you known as FWB?
Is there ever a time when sex with a new someone else isn't mentioned to the poly circle ? is that considered 'cheating'? Is there normality in the circle like engagements and marriages within the poly circle. How is family life handled at holiday time? does your mother/father/family members know your lifestyle? Does this lifestyle allow 'swinging' (which I think has its own set of rules?)
The above shows my confusion - I personally cannot condone it, we all have a certain amount of jealousy - but to each there own and if all concerned is aware of the poly cycle then noone gets emotionally hurt ...OR DO THEY?  | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/13/2007 9:43:08 PM |
The above shows my confusion - I personally cannot condone it, we all have a certain amount of jealousy - but to each there own and if all concerned is aware of the poly cycle then noone gets emotionally hurt ...OR DO THEY?
Obviously you have no knoweledge of how a polyamorous relationship works, which is fine. However, it would be impossible for anyone to sit and say "well, THIS is how it works". The "rules" are, naturally, just as different and varied as the people involved.....as with ANY relationship. What works for some won't work for others. My husband and I sat down and discussed exactly what would make both of us most comfortable and allow us to achieve what we were seeking. We also agreed that if something isn't working for us we would talk about it immediately instead of sitting around brooding over it and harming our relationship. The only thing I see as a 100% required aspect is that everyone involved has to be mature, responsible, and informed......understanding the relationship and the agreed upon terms. Everything else is a matter of personal preference. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/13/2007 10:21:33 PM | I have been surprised to find many people tell me they would prefer someone 'cheating' on them and lying about it compared to being told upfront that someone is polyamorous.
If you are hearing lies from supposed poly-participants, you are running in circles that are not the norm. I know enough poly parties to attest, that part of their reality and the draw to that lifestyle is the honesty associated with such living arrangements.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This question is ONLY to people that say or feel they would prefer such a thing. So if you don't feel that way, please don't start venting or flaming me for the question. I mean no disrespect and I am not trying to advocate cheating! I'm just trying to understand something I don't get :) Oh, and for those of you that don't know what polyamory is, wikipedia gives a nice overview.
Polarized threads are not allowed here. Anyone is free to answer and should be allowed and welcomed to do so in my opinion. What good are opinions only from one select group? Learning about lifestyle choices is a very personal thing ~ pro or con, all opinions are valuable. You should just take from them what you choose to find value in. I am in no way shape or form pro-poly for me personally, I'm much too territorial and private. I don't share my man or my shoes. That doesn't mean I'm anti-poly, it means that for me ~ it's not an option. What someone else can live with doesn't have to be my way or no way. I just don't have to choose to participate. What a shame if I didn't know some of those people I have met during my research/journey of self/and education. Just because I can't live in that particular venue, doesn't mean I don't get it ~ it means it's not for me. It truly is: to each their own. Oddly, some of those households are much happier than many of the monogamous couples I came to know over time. Odd maybe, but factual in my travels. JMO  | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:10:57 AM | For sure I would want a person to be upfront about being polyamorous ... that way it is my choice if I can accept that "lifestyle" or not.
Having open relations with others and being upfront about it sure beats cheating, lying, sneaking around, and him having sex with anything he can pick up.
After hearing the most common problem with marriages - one person (usually the man) wanting/needing more sex than he gets at home ... and the wife loves her man, but doesn't want sex often... well ... I can see how functional it may be to have more than one regular sexual partner/relationship. | |
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| Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 9/14/2007 11:16:02 AM | Interseting topic - I think people live in denile of all sorts of things - I remember being told once and having said it several times since - no one appreciates you for telling them that their spouse is having an affair. Obvious the person having the extra marital affair for one, however, the reasoning follows the one being cheated on proably knew about it anyway but as long it was private he or she could deal with it. But once it's somewhat common knowledge, now it has to be dealt with.
Like other people have said, I'd want to be told. The only reaction I know I'd have was that if I was accepting of it, I would have zero tollerance of not being allowed the same right. | |
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