| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 1:22:45 PM | Hi Might, and thank you.
The thing is awareness, we individually need to determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and put up boundaries for our individual selves. If we find ourselves interacting with someone and their behaviour is less than favourable and it is having an impact upon me personally or those that I love, then I will address the issue by telling them that I feel disrespected or uncomfortable by there actions (of course I will convey this message in a softer way by changing my actions/behaviour.) I know what situations affect me negatively and I will put this out in the open. One of my challenges as I share earlier is being impeccable with your word and following through; this situation allows me to mistrust individuals that fall flat on their word and I don't want to participate with someone who chooses to let me down on a consistent basis. It's plain disrespectful. I am being disrespectful to myself for not taking care of this by staying silent and continuing to accept this unacceptable behaviour in my life. I know that people are fallable and "sh!t" happens, but when you clearly establish with someone that it is important for you that they follow through on their promises then there is not excuse for not following through on their committment to you. This in no way of controlling other's behaviours, but it allows me the choice not to participate in relationships with people that clearly know my boundaries yet do not respect them by continuing to behave in this manner.
It is what we deem to be acceptable behaviour in our life and not compromising our personal principles and values. People that treat me with respect and are willing to work through issues will be there as my friend or partner. My children are adapting this in their lives slowly and surely and not gravitating towards peer pressure and the continous conforming to polite society. They are learning to assert themselves and make choices in participating with people or events because it is what they WANT to do, not what they're "suppose" to do!
It is a wonderful gift to ourselves when we honour, respect, and treat ourselves with dignity. This is not a selfish act, but an act of loving our own spirit. We need not subject ourselves to those who wish to diminish our spirits because of their own damaged self image which they want to project onto us. The firmer we are with our personal beliefs, principles and values, the more we attract those people that are like minded into our circles.
Not everyone is abusive and some may have a few abusive traits, but this it's our individual choice on whether or not we want to address the issue with the abuser, by setting our own limits. It is not always verbally shared, it could be a subtle action and changes that we make so we're not in the line of fire.
There is so much to share on such an indepth topic. It's not a simple fix, but takes time to work through all of this.
It is my hope that my message and those of others on this post reaches enough people to bring an awareness into their lives. We've grown up thinking that these behaviours are "normal" when in fact that a lot of it is very dysfunctional.
Bless you all on this beautiful journey and may you find peace, comfort and eventual serenity if your are suffering from the effects of abuse.
WE ARE ALL WORTHY BEINGS. It's believing in yourself enough to embrace this thought.
Tiffi | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:45:43 PM |
That was embarrassing trying it again
I'll complain about the stuff in your post that I just boxed | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:49:55 PM | Hi !
Here is a great book for anyone to learn more about abuse in relationships!
http://www.dragonslippers.com/
Find a great counsellor and the rest will fall in place ! | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 6:28:20 PM | | A girl I work is 25 . her boyfreind is abusive toward her . I ahve told her and told her to leave him . BUT she says she loves him and NOW after ALL talk of not just me but everyone else . she goes and gets pregant . I have said " if is was younger . I would not mind going out with you ". but a 25 year old and 40 year old . yeah would seem like i was dating my duagher . | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 6:57:48 PM | | Oh my God, Rune, I almost cried reading through your first post on this thread - everything you said is SO true. That is really the best and most growth-oriented and positive way to move on. Wise words there for anyone who is or has been in an abusive relationship of any kind. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:21:18 PM | | icegoddess...No, it's not difficult to find a guy who knows how to treat a woman right...it's difficult to find one that YOU want... that WANTS to treat you right. But tis better to be alone than to settle for anything less than you want AND deserve...don't take no chit OP!!! Yes, you're also right that a 'time out' is a good thing....it's not worth anything to fall into the same destructive patterns. No one deserves abuse in any weight shape or form...THAT'S a fact. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:46:09 PM | I am 6’2” 182 pounds - she is 5’2” 105 pounds ................ I know I know it don’t sound possible but ..........
Twenty years later I was totally worthless.
Inch by inch - day by day - I went from a normal person with a good amount of self esteem/confidence/pride to totally worthless.
It took her 20 years but she got started right away - and she got the job done.
She started "training" me about six months into the marriage.
I became convinced that I was totally worthless - undesirable to females and I should leave her the hell alone until I was told different.
I have since figure out that I was one of her training tools on her way to becomming and independent woman.
Don’t ever let anyone hold the only key to your self-esteem. No matter how much you love them. YOU hold the key to your self-esteem. A very hard earned lesson for me.
If you don't feel important to someone you are not important to them.
If you live in hope that someday it will change - it will not change.
If you think - maybe when the kids get older - it still will not change.
If you think you can love them enough it will change - it still will not change.
If you wait years for it to be your turn (our turn) it will never come. | |
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NYSJ63
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Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 34 | |
| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:18:44 PM | My ex wife was mentally and emotionally abusive as well. It wasn't a constant thing at first. At times she was caring and loving,great to be around. Then something would shift in her and set her off,almost like a Jekyll and Hyde type of change and then she would become abusive. She got more so as the years went on until at the end she did things like crushed my pinky finger in the door slamming it shut on it and picking up my pet guinea pig and threatening to throw him against the floor. She in turn grew up in a mentally and emotionally abusive childhood. Her father used to drink alot and would call her names,mock her weight and intellegence as she was growing up added to that being harrassed at school by the "popular girls" so she had alot to deal with in all of that.
She was also frustrated by the fact she had an art degree yet couldnt find a job in the field and wound up having to work in the office of a car dealership.
She always said he was envious of how much talent I had artistically compared to her nd because I actually made money at it occasionally.
Her mother was also influential on her behavior,always telling her to "keep hammering away until she makes me the way she wanted me to be".
She couldnt do much to hurt me physically because of my size except for catching me off guard with slamming my finger in the door but in many ways her other forms of abuse were alot worse on me. The worst part is I do miss her and keep wondering if I had done something different maybe she wouldnt have been that way so much.
Towards the end her mood swings got worse,to the point she was on zoloft,which she used to drink wine after taking. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:57:18 PM | The advice and wisdom on this thread so far is the best advice I have seen on any POF thread. Many of these abusers have personality disorders, and unfortunately these human parasites can spot a "helper" personality at a mile and a half in a blizzard and go for him/her like a homing pigeon.
They are excellent actors and can pretend to be soooooo sweet and caring, but the bottom line is watch for RED FLAGS and when you see the first one RUN.
Catman it is unfortunate that you can't help your friend, she is not willing to listen to you and it is a shame that a child will be born into such a "family."
Kudoes to you all--great wisdom. (bowing from the waist) | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:42:50 PM | NYSJ, unfortunately whatever choice you made it still wouldn't make any of it right.
With your ex wife growing up in (assumably) an alcoholic home and being emotionally and psychologically abused herself it's no wonder she was the way she was; the environment has a huge part to play in how she conducted herself. Children who witness abuse or are abuse either become abuser or become protectors.
The only way she change any of her behaviours is if she has an awareness that her behaviour is inappropriate and causing utter and complete chaos in her life and those around her. Awareness coupled with acceptance (her responsibility for her behaviour) and then Action - where she can acknowledge what she needs to change. Like an alcoholic, unfortunately she will need to hit her "bottom" (her darkest hour ) and see that her life is not only chaotic, but unmanagable. Only she can make that choice to change.
Pray for her healing and that she finds a healthier path for her!
Tiffi | |
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Tarra
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Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 37 | |
| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:26:05 PM | Such inspiring, uplifting posts here. So much caring, warmth, and strength in these messages. It truly touches my heart. Not sure what I can add that hasn't already been said. Other than I also feel deeply for the OP. I have told my story here before. It makes my heart bleed to see such a young and beautiful girl suffering the aftermath of abuse that so many of us have went through in the past.
I think what I hated the most, is how he affected my life in future relationships. The low self esteem, the feeling of worthlessness. The roller coaster ride of the highs and lows. Emotional scars that took many years to heal. Yet, it made me so much stronger and wiser. If you could actually see it as a blessing, you would be amazed how it changes your way of thinking.
Please understand that I am not saying, that.......it helped me.........Sounds crazy I know. Not saying, he beat me up for years so that made me a "better person". Not at all. It's hard to understand and to express in words. But, that horrible experience made me a different person and it turned out to be very positive in spite of the abuse. Does this make sense to anyone? I hope someone gets what I am trying to say????? That pain can bring a great deal of inner peace, if you seek it.
I know that is a very difficult concept to comprehend. But, in my case.........it is so true. Instead of asking "why" just accept the fact that you had nothing to do with their "illness". You were just someone to blame when they hated themselves. Stop the guilt trip immediately, seek professional help. Don't listen to their lies or their influence mentally. They brainwashed you and you have to re-program your mind and your outlook on life. You are stronger, more powerful and better than they will ever be !!!! My personal relationship with God and alot of prayers, is what brought me through the darkest hours.
Hugs to you all,
Tara | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 11:49:38 PM | Hi Monique,
I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and I left my ex 6 years ago with my son.
I hope that you take the time to work on yourself. That's something that took me a long time to figure out again, was...Who am I? What am I going to do to make my life better for myself? Also, have your close friends by your side, both guys and girls and the next person you get involved with, they can also check the guy out.
You know what kind of a person you don't want to be with, right? You now know the warning signs of an abusive guy. Know when to cut bait and run...
It'll take some time to find a good guy, don't be in such a hurry. Take your time in finding a guy again.
Join a gym, concentrate on doing something for yourself, get healthy physically. You'll feel really good after working out and getting a muscular bod.
Get your hair done. Maybe volunteer for a non profit organization, there's nice guys there. Most of all, take care of yourself. Trust your gut instincts...
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:57:17 AM | It really does help if you take the focus off the person and put it on yourself.
I rolled around in the bottom of the tank for three years. On August 19th last year I made the choice to stop thinking backwards and start thinking future. I acquired many many e-books on self-esteem and other aspects and have not looked back since.
When your self esteem gets back to normal thinking - you just don’t let people treat you bad.
We are the keeper of the only key to our self esteem.
I only wish I had actually understood that 20 years ago. Better late than never. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 1:33:27 AM | i am in agreament with all the ansewers here,i too hve been there,and had councelling for this,but its been hard because i still cared for this man deeply,and when he was nice it was great, thats the hard part.i was with him 6 years,but walked away in the end or i would of ended up having a breakdown,i loved him and so wanted it to stop,i thought i could heal him,but i now know you cant,he begged and pleaded with me,and that was so hard not to go back,they hook youinto theiremotional problems,it was only in the last year he got help,but it was too late,and it broke my heart to walk but i still had some pride,i am trying to get over it but you cant force it,but i try not to wallow and dwell on it either,its ashame he destroyed what we had,sadly he sees that now,i felt like an old rag doll,but therapy has helped me and it could help you,its like those blocks kids play with you just keep building them,but slowly,dont rush to mend yourself,and remember you are abeautiful wonderful woman,who has lots to offer,but first nuture yourself,even if its a new lipstick and you cant afford anything else,you are deserving and worthy.it takes time buit put you first,yhis is all just repeating what they all have said,so i wont follow your instincts,peece love and karma to you sweetie | |
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Posted: 3/19/2007 10:38:42 AM | Wow, NYSJ63 you seem like such a gentle soul. I just don't understand what motivates people to treat others so atrociously. No one deserves that!
And Tiffifish thank you for all your insights! They are so inspiring and coming from a place of love. People who have been through stuff like this need that kind of practical advice (love your profile too!). | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:57:39 AM | Indrinita, "motivation" for abuse is from various causes, continuing to let someone abuse you is also various causes. Neither of which makes "sense" in a logical plane of thinking. It is all about emotions, not logic. Searching for a "motive" and not finding one is futile and frustrating--it just seems so "obvious" that the abuser and abused couldn't be "getting anything worthwhile" out of the relationship.
If you are "healthy" emotionally it all seems so simple--just stop it! "Ya'll play nice now," as my mother would have said when I was a kid. If just "playing nice" solved all the problems in the world we would have paradise here on earth.
Get on google and google "psychopath forum" and it will give you some ideas about some of the abusers (not all, but most) and google "lack of self esteem" and it will give you some ideas on some, but not all, of the abused. You will get an education that will be worthwhile. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 11:32:16 AM | I don't understand, why can't people live to extract the best out of each other. Or to be more accurate put the best in to a relationship. The best times I've had are those where I given without being exploited. A genuine friend ... excepts with gratitude., a kiss or even just a smile. Its worth its weight in gold  | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:20:29 PM | Op: this thred is packed full of absolute great information and suggenstions. I hope you carefully read it all. However, being an abuse survivor myself..(among other things) the best advice I can give is.... Slow down. Find ways to get your focus on yourself. forget about..."getting back into the dating game, etc" for now. that is Not what you need. You need to heal and grow first. You need to become educated. and... you may very well need...recovery! I did!
for me, the program that saved my life was Alanon. (My last wife was an alcoholic also....besides being very abusive) I learned that in spite of our best intentions... and what we 'believe' to be the knowledge we have learned from our last bad experience... we will usually fail without help. We need to be around others who...' understand as perhaps few others can'... and who willingly share their experiences, strengths and hopes. Forums are great... but, can Never replace things like recovery.
don't be a wounded soldier who thinks they can go back into battle just because they have seen one uniform of the enemy. You need to learn all about the enemy, and you need to aquire a whole lot better protective gear and armnement. You prob. can't do this all by yourself. good luck. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:12:20 PM | I used to hold some terrible beliefs about abuse. Felt that i deserved it as i was flawed, or that some how i attracted it in my life. Or that i was to sensitive and needed to grow calluses because thats just how people are. I believed that if there were no victims there would be no perpetrators. It was never about them and that if i was more then it wouldn't ever happen again.
Years of self discovery, self help books and spiritual walks helped reinforce just how flawed i was. I couldn't change the patterns in my life. For 6 years i would poke my head out of a cave every so often to see if i would attract what i thought was who i am inside, while in the back of my head i wanted to prove that i was a horrid person. And i would meet people who repeated the same patterns over and over although to a lesser degree then before. There are many forms of abuse, some subtle and almost undetectable at first till you have given yourself to them and then it starts.
Meditation courses, Reiki, different spiritual practices, self help books, personal growth courses, spending time alone and reflecting, questioning, searching. But never interacting, I had so many walls up that even i didn't know who i really was. I had learned so much but never once did i see past all that i had constructed. Me the real me. I thought i knew what a healthy relationship should look like and had my books to guide me. It never occurred to me that if i let all that go and just was myself someone would actually get to know me.
I didn't see any value in me as this is what most tried to squash, possess, change, or reject. And then there is If i am me and show this. How would i know that the person i show would love me and not turn. It was just simpler to be alone. However I did meet someone. Someone who understood me all of me no matter how much i showed. And something amazing is growing out of one of the most beautiful friendships i have ever known. There are people out there with hearts that can truly Love and be Loved. And they don't pull or push and want the people they love to be free.
Lately i've been seeing more and more caring hearts and am encouraged that the world is changing or perhaps those that are loving and genuinely caring are more courageous and allowing themselves to shine. *hugs to all those suffering, learning, gaining the courage to shine. You are all an inspiration to me.
crazylilting | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:20:18 PM | Abusive relationships are usually men or women that have drinking and drug problems so it is nothing that you did.
They are trying to heal a wound that happened years ago when they were children.
They have no love to give you .........only pain.
You can try and try to make him love you but it just won't work.
It is like going up to a " junkyard dog " and saying ......" why don't you like me ???? "
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:58:33 PM | Give your self time to heal.
You will learn to trust again.Please dont compare all men by the mistakes of some one else..
Good luck sweetie,,,,,,,,Time , | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 5:34:39 PM |
for me, the program that saved my life was Alanon. (My last wife was an alcoholic also....besides being very abusive) I learned that in spite of our best intentions... and what we 'believe' to be the knowledge we have learned from our last bad experience... we will usually fail without help. We need to be around others who...' understand as perhaps few others can'... and who willingly share their experiences, strengths and hopes. Forums are great... but, can Never replace things like recovery.
I, too am a grateful member of Al-anon (people who have friends or family that are/were alcoholic) and admit that the program allows me to live a more serene life. My life is less chaotic and unmanagable since being in this wonderful program of recovery and has aided my path to personal and spiritual growth. Alocoholism is a dis-ease that affects many people in many different ways and an understanding of the dis-ease helps to pave the path of emotionally, mental and spiritual healing.
Tiffi | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:39:44 PM | my first long term relationship was very much filled with emotional abuse...along with physical abuse... its not hard to find someone who can treat you right but you have to be sure that you can learn to treat yourself right....and only allowing the people in your life to respect that... my family was very over protective of me... but i found that for me it helped to talk to someone (and i met this great counsellor who specialized in abused women)...i was comfortable with her and could share stories with her and connect with her.. i now say that even though my first long term relationship affected me greatly... i was thankful to experience to get out of it (and like the first person who responded.. the best thing was for you to get out) i now know that love isnt black and blue or full of tears... and name calling ... amongst other things... the next step is to concentrate on yourself reach out for help .. even if it just means talking to someone .. or writing things down.. thats what helped me :D but then again everyone has diff't needs and only you will know what those are.. hope everything else goes well with you ...
take care
n | |
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