| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/20/2007 12:06:49 AM | just keep lookin someone is out there for you after 10 years of being beat smacked up it is hard but have faith there is some out there for you keep looking  | |
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| Atleast you did get out
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:09:03 AM | I have seen alot from of abuse: a little history on me the first tine i was beat i was three I have no recollection of it the last time i was five. I wont go in to details but they couldnt find one inch of white skin betwen my knees and my shoulders. my parents did that to me. I was taken away by the state and then raised by my grandparents. I woke up at night screaming and crying wanting to know what i did to cause my parents not to love me. by the age of six i wasn't like other kids i was alot more soft heated but more violent when prevoked. By the time I was 13 I was picked up by the cops for the first and last time. I was in and out of counseling until the age of 16 and i realised something that scared me I was a predator but i was diffrent from other predators it seem's the only thing I didnt like was predators.
The last shrink I saw was the only one who ever had the ngut's to tell me the truth his name was tony and I was in his office and he said the only one who could help me was me and know one else so I did alot of thinking. but realising i was a predator I had to make a choice so i did By the age of 18 i was the youngest hired at the time correction's officer in the state of texas and then that got old. so know I am a bodyguard and my only down fall is being overly protective of those around me. only because i dont want to see them hurt the way i was. so i guess i became a predator whom hunted predators.
with whats happened to me in this life i makes me sad to still hear about other going through trama similar to mine.
The only advice I can give is don't let anyone push you around your worth more than that even more so if you have a child because any choice to stick around an abuser puts your child in the place i was in. dont let that happen. Help yourself dont linger on something you cant change and you cant change what happened only what will happen dont allow it to happen again and pick yourself up because you have a life to live dont worry about when your parents or friends tell you your not ready because only you know when you are. | |
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| Atleast you did get out
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:10:55 AM | | sorry about the spelling in my post i had been up about 40 hours. | |
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| abuse
Posted: 3/20/2007 7:29:44 AM | | I am one of those guys who WANTS to help BUT this girl at work is only 20 and I am 40 . what can I do ? I think of age differance as a ba d thing . her boyfreind is SOOOO protective of her . HE does not want her to look or talk to any guys . So where do I come in ? | |
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| abuse
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:29:08 AM | CAtman, I am sure you are only trying to help this girl, but the problem is SHE doesn't want help. Him not wanting her to be around anyone else or talk to anyone is PROOF POSITIVE he is already abusing her, but as long as she won't listen, there is nothing anyone can do. SHE has to see this and WANT help. That is the saddest part for good people like you who can see what is going on and want to help them. I am sorry but all you can do is watch for now. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:03:01 PM | Tiffi,
You had some great information in one of your postings and I wanted to thank you for having in here - unfortunately I can not thank you directly as you are not permitting folks to write from outside Canada.
I took your information and pasted into a spread sheet for use as a self evaluation and discussion tool on abusive & controlling relationships.
Thank you,
Bob | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:24:26 PM | I want to ask you something in earnest! Do you have a pattern of abusive relationships?
Also did you grow up in a household of abuse?
Do not answer for the forum, but answer to yourself.
Do you keep picking different versions of the same type of man? Do the men you date seem all charming, and then start to belittle you, and eventually physically intimidate you?
My experience with Domestic Violence is that it only escalates when the verbal intimidation and the physical threats are losing theie effectiveness, and then you "made" your abuser strike you; it was your fault, not the abusers.
There really is an unofficial Abusers' Handbook.
If so, you are addicted to The Cycle of Abuse.
This is a difficult Cycle to break, because you need to take a deep look at yourself, too.
If you want, you can email me, and we can talk more privately. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2007 2:04:46 AM | monique, you are so young and have a very long and prosperous life ahead of you. do not rush. find out what you are interested in doing and learning. follow that path and the rest will follow you.
i was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. however, my dad's sad but saving grace was that when he was not drunk, he would share his last crumb of bread with you. my guess, in retrospect, was that he was self medicating for depression that resulted from his terrible childhood.
i found al anon for friends and family members in my early 20's. it got mE through my first marriage and later/more recently through the raising of my fost/adopt teens. those lessons were even harder!
i over reacted and made sure to find a "gentler" husband the second time around. that was an even worse story. however, with each experience, i learned life's lessons. i am now working on a relationship that ended temporarily while we each worked on ourselves and actually remained platonic during that period while we continued to do things together. actually we met online (another site), but lived close enough to explore a real relationship. both of us are committed to self growth, but to tell you it's easy would be a lie. i can, however, tell you that the work is thus far worth every minute of it. furthermore, being much older, we are both more set in our ways. i think that may also be called "CRANKY"! .
if you can find a support group like al anon or codependents anonymous (CODA), i strongly urge you to find "family" beyonD your immediate family. it offers you a social structure which will substitute for the need to have an immediate partner and fill in the loneliness while you are "getting it together". also there is ala tot, ala kid and ala teen so that your child need not repeat the pattern | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:24:16 AM | | Work on yourself. Exercise, work out, eat right, give yourself a makeover. Make yourself feel really good. Make friends with men, when RED flags begin, set a boundary, if the boundaries get violated, _____GET OUT! I did not get out in time when I set a boundary and let the abuse continue and things got worse until we had to go in and out of court. Now he is dating my girlfriend who is the one who took pics of my bruises he gave me last year. Some friend! She is the one who told me continually to get out of the relationship and now she is hanging out with him and refuses to talk with me. I don't need friends like this! Even the women are abusive to me and not loyal. The women I know are golddiggers and will cut the throat of their girlfriends for a man! How pitiful. I don't need friends like this-----so I am de-cluttering my life and forming healthy relationships too. The problem is that the events I do, which are healthy, I continue to see these old "unhealthy ex-friends" at who continue to watch who I talk to and them form relationships with these people after these see me form friends with them and bad-mouth me to them. I of course, have no control over anyone but myself. Alot of people like gossip though and would rather be friends with someone who has juicy gossip and can benefit them in some way. I am not like that. I try to reach out to others and try to forgive those that have hurt me. Sometimes, though, we have to break it off from abusive people, if they continue to abuse----even our families. Form new friendships with others with a kindred spirit and listen to your gut. Be yourself---don't change and be willing to learn new things. Network and work on yourself. Don't try to fit in---just be yourself and keep working on yourself and clicking into the things you like to do. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:39:00 PM | | There is a reason that so many of the women who have been in an abusive relationship end up in them a second time. Anyone who has had an abusive relationship needs help before the next relationship. My marriage was 10 yrs of hell and I am so grateful that when I left, I went to a shelter. I was given the rules, counseling and education that it takes to start living a better life. It has been 15 yrs since then and I have been in 2 relationships during that time. Both of those men were really good to me and I know that I will never be in an abusive relationship again. Get help. Learn the "red flags". Learn how to avoid these types of relationships right from the start. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:09:50 AM | | A man can only be abusive to a women if she allows it...end of story....get a backbone girl...and a dose of self respect... | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:15:22 PM | People invest in Life, Auto, Home, and Health insurance, why not invest in learning to protect yourself!
I teach Martial Arts and I believe every woman should learn to defend themselves. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/14/2009 10:29:25 AM | | Sooo true. I've been in an emotional abusive relationship and when he was in a bad mood he would accuse me of all sorts of things I did not do or say, and then he'd slam the phone down on me. I found out his dad can't even get along with him. He called me up after 2 weeks and apologized but started the same ole promises again and Praise God I was able to feel nothing for these promises and finally saw him for the fake he was. Now I can move on. It wasn't me; it was him; he is miserable inside. So I say, "it's his choice; his loss." God will bring me who HE wants me to have. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/14/2009 11:50:25 AM | when he was nice it was great, thats the hard part
But you must realise it was all an act, they're only 'nice' when it suits them and their twisted agenda. I've been there myself, she would cradle me with all kinds of emotive words (after being caught out on a collossal lie or having just smacked me around the face) - "I love you more than ever", once they've lulled you back in to a false sense of security they'll do as they please and the cycle starts all over again, peace - drama - peace - drama - split up - get back together - honeymoon period - drama - and on it goes. It NEVER EVER STOPS until you cut the cord!. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:19:40 AM | Abusive relationships: They're someone else's problem. Me, I'd rather be alone, which is currently the case. If I meet someone I truly like, great. If not, great.
Nothing wrong with being vulnerable, monique, but, beneath that, you've got to have or develop a bit of an animal toughness...that simply DOESN'T CARE if you're lonely, DOESN'T CARE if you meet someone, because you've got enough going on in your life to feel fulfilled regardless. An obsessive hobby (even if it's watching movies), a job (that you enjoy...good luck), exercise habits, reading, etc.
The very fact that you ARE vulnerable is what draws out the Devil in these men who "abuse" you. I don't want to shift the blame from them, but you've got to take some accountability here for WHY they don't respect you and WHY they feel the need to belittle you or whatever else they did that constitutes abuse.
Crying "love me love me love me" all the time is going to be a drain on anyone else, who is in the struggle of his own life and can't be his own rock as well as yours. Anyone will feel like they're being devoured, swallowed up, completely exhausted, with nothing left to give. Anyone's natural tendency is to either get angry or to stray, because they feel suffocated.
You've got to be independent enough (and it's simply a matter of directing and throwing your mind and soul into something beyond a human being) to live your own life, but have those moments of softness and tenderness to let someone else in when you're lonely-!
It's a balancing act. Good luck-! | |
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