| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/11/2007 3:06:03 AM | | Bandit thats a crappy remark........MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX......IT DOES TAKE TWO.......LOL | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/11/2007 3:23:18 AM | | Unless you need child suport no. He doesn't sound like he would be a possitive role model in your childs life | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/11/2007 10:15:05 AM | | I'm in the same situation with my own daughter her father wants nothing to do with her, and have lately been thinking the same thing, I did contact his parents a when she was a baby, they didn't want to know, so here we are and she is four next week and starting to ask questions, so I have the same dilema, but good luck to you. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/11/2007 1:15:25 PM | Do you think you should try?
Here is my little advice to you. Sit down weight the pro's and con's. Run all situations through your head. I myself have been in that situation. I did contact him, and he disappeared after she was a mth old. He wasn't ready to be a father he said. And I respected it. He said to let the man I marry whoever I marry be her father, legally emotionally and physically. Yes yes yes I know it sounds like a cop-out on his part, but that is alright. We get by fine. I do not get child support nor do I seek it. But that was my choice, and this was after I sought legal advice did I come to this conclusion. Child support does entitle him to rights, and will be granted it is his choice weather or not he utlizes them. Ask yourself this; are you prepared to hand your baby over to him for a weekend visit and sit and wonder if she will be well cared for and by whom. I wasnt. I wasnt prepared to allow my daughter to be subjected to his way of life. She does not need to be abused at a young age and spend her who life recovering, she does not need to be exposed to drugs are alcohol and wonder if those are every day common lifestyles. I thank this man daily for the gift he gave me, my daughter, and hope he finds the happiness i've found with her. but for now this journy is just her and I. and so far it has been a blast. with a lot of ups and downs. but we are making it. I have been working full time since she was 4.5mths old but it was a choice I made to provide for her the best i could, but days off are filled with fun and love.
Make the decisions what is best for her, and you not based on what society dictates. Society does not live with you daily, you do. But never never be angry with him no matter who messed up and way out on the edge he is, because your child is part of him. I could never hate my daughter's father, because I could never hate her.
make decisions that are wise. and never ever be afraid to ask for help. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/12/2007 6:09:20 PM | Right now it might seem like its not important to find him, but when your little girl gets older and wants to know who he is, it might be convenient to have that information available
My ex has not been a part of my boys lives, he was in and out for a while, but I haven't seen him in 2 years and have no idea where to find him.
I have always given him every opportunity to see his kids, I never once turned him down in hopes that he would decide he is ready to be there for them.
I think it would not hurt to contact him, or try to one last time, maybe let him know that he has a daughter so at least you know that he knows. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/12/2007 7:37:21 PM | | You did give him the opportunity and he told you that he did not want any part of this. I think you are doing your baby a huge favor by letting him go. The damage that might be done to the baby could be far worse if you try and force him into the picture. I know it's hard, but I really think the best thing to do is go forward with life and not burden the child with someone who is this disinterested. I think more than likely you are romanticizing the idea that what he said was out of shock, and he would suddenly turn into a great father. I know what you're going through is hard but the baby deserves better. Just my 2 cents! | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/12/2007 7:55:54 PM | I would NOT contact the grandparents unless you know that they know about the baby. Chances are they do not know since he left you so early in the pregnancy. It is NOT your right or responsibility to let them know they have a grandchild that their son clearly does not want. I don't believe they legally have a "right" to be in this baby's life.
YOU made the choice to have and keep the baby; the baby daddy was clear that he wanted no part of her (options - abortion, adoption, raise the baby alone). Sounds like you are doing fine on your own.
If you feel you NEED to contact him, send him a letter in care of his parents, and give him your current contact information. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/13/2007 6:41:43 PM | | I would contact his parents.. let them know about their new grandchild. If they didnt want to acknowledge your child.. then walk away.. Dont bother with the sperm donor.. You wont have to worry about splitting your Christmas', and dealing with courts and visitation. It isnt all it is cracked up to be... | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/13/2007 6:55:05 PM | My Wife's Father abandoned her when she was young. She was out of wedlock and unwanted. She knows to this day that he doesn't want to talk to her. She sent him a letter through co-workers of his, but it was unanswered.
Once in awhile she mentions that she wishes she could talk to him. Since he is a minor celebrity, she often cries thinking about how she will see his obituary on the news before she will ever talk to him. It doesn't cripple her. She's not an unhappy person. But she could be happier.
No matter how bad "Dad" is, every kid wants to atleast talk to them. I believe My Wife thinks that maybe if she talked to her Father, he might enjoy her company, maybe love her. But at least she would have closure. She could completely move on.
So, whatever you do, at least make sure you know where the Father is as your daughter gets older. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/13/2007 10:33:24 PM | | This is such a hard question. I've been in your shoes. My daughter will be 21 this year. She has never met her biological father. She probably never will. When she was born I contacted him. He wanted nothing to do with her. Ok his decision. I never persued support, after all if he didn't want to be her father I didn't want to force him into her life. I did contact his parents. I felt they had the right to know about her. They came to see her for the first and only time when she was 10 months old. They couldn't "see" thier son in her and therefore didn't believe she was his. I tried anyway. Every year for 5 yrs. I wrote them a letter about her, sent a picture, mentioned how she had her 'daddy's' eyes. Nothing. So I stopped. She has pictures of us together, she has pictures of him, she has pictures of her with her grandparents.She hasn't mentioned him since she was about 11 and I gave her all the pictures, copies of all the letters. I let her know I tried. They sit in a box in my basement. He just doesn't exist to her, neither do they. I'm her parent. I get mothers day and fathers day cards from her. She knows I'll always be there, even if he never is. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:44:25 PM | | hello there! well im in the same positon but more further down the line!,my daughters dad left us when i was pregnant,but kept popin bk into our lives for a few years before he too disapeard off the face of the earth! my daughter has had contact with his family over the years(shes 16 now and full of questions) now she has found him all on her own,without any help from me,and hes crushed her world completley,sayin hes not her father and such rubbish,she even met her half brother on msn! so i would tread very carefully over teh years it will get better but id be very cautious,if his family is anythink to go by im too in a dilema as to what to do next? i have and would never have any financial support from him ive done it on my own so i dont need him,she even spoke to him xmas and since then the spinless rat has changed his number! so any advice would be a bonus take care | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:27:28 PM | Long story short, I've never met my biological father. My maternal grandparents raised me and I've never longed to meet the sperm donor. I've got 3 kids of my own now but I was responsible enough to wait til I was 28 years old before getting married and having kids. I could never imagine not wanting to be a part of your own child's life but it's different strokes for different folks I guess. In this case, the man told you upfront how he felt about fatherhood when he suggested an abortion. At that point, you assumed the responsibility ( rightly or wrongly)of carrying this baby to term. If the shoe is on the other foot and a woman decides to abort what rights does the man have? It's the same scenario as far as I'm concerned. Get on with your life, find a nice man to be a Dad, and forget about money. I always find it unsettling that the first words out of most womens mouths are child support. Funny how in this day and age of liberated woman that they turn to a man for money so quickly.
Mike | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/15/2007 10:17:32 AM | | he said he wanted nothing to do with the child...did he not? why contact him? He has made his choice. (an irresponsible one but still his perogative.) | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/15/2007 5:00:14 PM | | Think u shud leave it cause u said u told him at the beginning and he told u 2 get abortion - thats quite clear so if u decided to have the baby then i think u need to accept that and move on - you will have to explain that 2 the child wen shes old enough but you dont need to worry bout that yet. pls dont involve his family as you told him and he obviously wasnt supportive in any way towards u!! 4get him and if ur child wants to find him when shes old enuff let her - i dont see what else u could do? | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 4/22/2008 8:32:01 PM | Remabe6836, let it go. Think of it this way. It's his loss by not getting to see her grow up and your gain. I know how it is through personal experience. My ex left in 1979, leaving 2 children behind. My daughter wasn't even 4 and my son was going on 2. Both (my) children are now almost 33 and 31, married with children of their own. I had all the good and bad experiences with them, he had none. He has 4 grandsons from 1 1/2 years old to 11 years old. He saw the kids back in 97 and walked away again. My oldest grandson was 11 months old then. I have the joys of the grandchildren he doesn't.
So you see, your daughter will grow up just fine without her father, and when she's older she can ask him why if she looks for him and finds him. If he really wanted to be a part of his daughter's life he would be in her life. You can't force him to be in her life. If he told you to get an abortion he didn't want her to begin with. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 4/23/2008 2:37:27 AM | Send a card and a photo at birthdays and Xmas to the grandparents together with a note saying they are welcome to get to know their grandchild. be polite and don't sk for a dime. That way you can tell the child you tried to maintain contact with her Dad's family for her sake.
It'll hurt the child as she grows, but if you can show you tried without malice or for personal gain it'll help your own relationship with her no end.  | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 4/23/2008 3:50:47 AM |
So this is more about giving him the benefit of the doubt
I would let it be. Always leave the option on the table if he decides down the road to contact you, but no I don't think you should look for him.
He made his decision. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:01:12 AM | I think the only thing that I would contact him for is medical issues on his side of the family. And leave the rest alone, but leave the door open for if he does decided to be part of this child's life.
The reason why I say to contact him for medical is because those are things that you do need to know for this child both now and in the future. My bio father was never in my life as he didnt want to be and that was fine, my mother didnt contact him at all but once I was old enough I contacted him myself to find out medical things from his side of the family. I had many medical problems that were from his side of the family that I never would have known about had I not contacted him. And now my daughter has some of them as well, because they were passed down to her. So trust me contact him for this information. Most people dont think about things like this when the father/mother leaves the child's life. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 4/24/2008 1:14:06 PM | | I have a friend who a few years ago was in a similar situation, she did contact the grandparents and they have become part of the childs life (along with other family members-aunts cousins etc) the father continued to stayed out of the child life. If the father had a change of heart he would find a way to contact you. Personnally I would send a birth announcement with a photo of the baby to the grandparents and let them have the choice of being involved. Contray to popular believe grandparents do have rights. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:37:01 AM | I am in a similar situation, only from the fathers perspective. I dated a woman for 6 months, and during our relationship we spoke almost daily about the possibility of pregnancy and our views/actions that would occur if it happened.
I am being honest and not trying to chicken out of fatherhood, but I honestly tried everything within my power besides abstinence, to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, yet it occurred. I wore protection and was conscious enough to realize the contraceptive had broke before "finishing" and ceased activities. She swore to me she had an IUD and that if something occurred she would do as she said and have an abortion.
Every time we spoke of this possibility she was the first one to recommend termination of the pregnancy, she has 2 daughters already, and listed logical reasons for doing so. But after becoming pregnant, she said that she was aborting then keeping the child, "3" separate times. I try and live my life as an honorable man, yet she has made the decision to be a father, for me! I think about the unborn child everyday and yet I want no contact with it, because I fear my negative feelings towards its mother, inadvertently will be transferred to it. Not because I fear fatherhood or from selfishness.
I have thoughts of disappearing, but my conscience and upbringing will not allow me to do so. I applaud the women who decide to keep the children they carry, but I understand the feelings and fear that the fathers have. In the end, the final decision to have a child is solely the woman's.
I do not know if I have helped shed light on the fathers perspective or have just made things worse, but these are the feelings of a man who is in this situation. To all who deal with these issues I wish you the best. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:57:40 AM | Remabe i read all of the other messages everyone wrote to you i'm a 45 year old male never new my biological father and to this day i do not want to.He also was the father of my other 3 brothers 2 sisters.Never paid one dime of child support luckly my mother found a man willing to take on the challenge.And to his dying day i commend him for what he had done plus he had 2 daughters from a previous marriage. thats right 9 of us.I saw i few messages get close to what i have to it sounds to me like this guy is nothing but a low life dirt bag.If he was any kind of man and cared anything about you. He would have respected your thoughts and feelings and stood up to the plate and do what all dads should do support there children. Guys like these make me feel very sad that i am of there same gender.I understand protection was used but these things do happen and when they do the child has to come first.If you can afford to raise this child on your own your better off with out him he is no man at least the kind i know and am.I hear all the time stories about divorced parents and how they wish the other parent would stay out of there business and stop telling the other parent how to raise there child.If you can do it on your own great tell her when she is old enough who he is then let her decide what she wants to do.More than likely she won't want anything to do with him in the first place.How do i know this been there done that not one of my brothers or sisters ever contacted my real father even though the urge was there no one ever did.You are still young and beautiful you seem to have a good head shoulder go out and find a good guy to help you raise this child.There out there beleave me i know many guys that are raising kids on there own and need a good mother.How do i know this i'm raising 2 sons on my own there both 14 mother has no contact and is not allowed to contact us and i do not want any support from her were doing fine on are own. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:32:19 AM |
i think you should contact his parents. they have a right to see baby aswell.
I disagree with this and so do the courts in my state. Grandparents don't have rights to their grandchildren UNLESS their child is deceased. Then, they have to take it to court to get visitation and will likely be given one weekend every month or two. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:57:25 AM | | i would move on, you gave him the chance, if he wants to find you he will, but you could always just send a christmas card to his parents on day from you and your child, could be interesting | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:47:11 AM | | who have thought I already answered this one... oh well, I wonder if she ever did track him down...... | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:28:59 PM | He sounds lik a real gem!!! There is no need to contact him. No need to put yourself through that! You may want to contact his parents (not to get to him) but, to let them know that they now have a beautiful grandchild and you are open to them being in your childs life if they wish.
You should definately move on... you deserve to have a wonderful man in your life. He didn't want a child and didn't change his mind or he would have found a way. | |
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