| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:20:39 PM | | drg1301: This is the thing. I believe men really just have two views...either you are relationship material or you are someone to have sex with. I don't think there is such a thing as "Friends with Benefits." From all the stories that I hear and all the posts that I read and one experience of mine that is similiar to Ginna's (msg. 74) men are not very respectful towards women they have just sex with. So, again I don't think FWB exists. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:25:11 PM | | looking If you did indeed go back through the posts then you would have seen there there is women that a FWB has and in some cases is working for. The fact that it did not work for you just tells you to stay away from them . We are all individuals, what works for one doesn't mean that it will work for another. As many have stated. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 5:28:25 AM | Most of the posts I have read say fwb doesn't work. I have no problem with what works for other people. I think women should be able to seek out whatever types of relationships they want. However, I really am skeptical about the whole friends thing. Most men do have the madonna/whore issues they deal with. You can't tell me it doesn't exist. Many men just do not respect women they have sex with. I don't know why. So, how can a man be friends with someone he doesn't respect. Not only that I don't think men want to be necessarily friends with women. I am not complaining. I can get friends elsewhere. I do have male friends...but I don't have sex with them. I am just being realistic. Friends with benefits does not work for most. Someone gets hurt.
I can see it now, I know there are going to be replies saying .."oh no, I don't view women that way." But, in all honesty after having sex with a woman, a lot of men view that woman differently. That is if a foundation for a relationship is not there. Many men will suddenly do a 360. That is not something a friend would do. A lot of women have experienced this. I think I am stating the obvious. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 6:54:27 AM | I think that many people sugar coat what the relationship is so they can feel less guilt/shame about it. I personally see a FWB/FB/NSA relationship as being someones sloppy seconds. Not good enough to invest time in but good enough to F..K. Not a particularily appealing thing to me. NOt judging just my personal take on it.
I agree with DRG in that communication is the key to making a somewhat lacking quality situation work, unfortunately when some people communicate they have a tendency to choose words or phrases that can be ambiguous and can be misinterpreted because lets face it, if you want something most people will do or say what they need to in order to achieve the goal. And since we all have a tendency to not want to admit our "wrongs" usually there are protests that they were "being very clear at the time". It would be very interesting to poll many FWB couples and see if both had the same view of the relationship. | |
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ginna2
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Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 80 | |
| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 12:40:40 PM | I totally agree with all of you about the FWB being "non-existant"-I can't believe what I fool I have been. I held off for almost 12 months and it still didnt matter to him. All I got was "Okie-Dokie", meanwhile I'm crying my friggen heart out wondering what I could have done differently. But the fact of the matter is-I was being used until someone better came along. I should have know better. I'm 44 years old-divorced for 5 years now. So I guess the whole trick to it is: If you date someone you really think you have an interest in-DONT HAVE SEX WITH THEM EVER?????" I dunno..............
I read some chapters from the book "How to Catch Him and Keep Him" and it clearly states over and over, there's NOTHING a woman can do to MAKE A GUY LOVE THEM!!! Either he does or doesnt. That's It!
If I don't find someone, that's okay with me. I'd rather be alone than used for the rest of my life. I WILL SURVIVE. I KNOW THIS.
Love ya all! | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 1:08:06 PM | Listen people you do not just go into a FWB...... It is always be friends first.
Anything else and you are just kidding yourself. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 3:50:43 PM | I am truly amazed to see how many women do this; which includes myself.
It's tiring to be lectured about how, "you should have known", "he told you upfront", blah, blah blah, because in your heart you already know that and probably knew it from the get go.
Sometimes it fills the void of coming home to an empty house for yet another night, or not having to wake up alone on a Saturday morning or just human companionship.
I have learned that it is/was a temporary fix to lonliness. and that in the end makes you feel lonlier and probably prevents you from being with the person that would really be interested in having a legitimate relationship with you. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 4:05:57 PM | | I agree. Well, I believe it obviously takes 2 to have sex and if a guy wants to do a 360 and loose respect for a woman "he just has sex with", it isn't quality material to begin with. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 5:27:22 PM | | Wenlex there is nothing wrong with it. Just as long as there is no misconceptions. There has to be hoensty and communication. In most cases of _true FWB_ they remain friends even after the intimacy has stopped. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 6:18:19 PM | It really does depend on the friendship - in my experience, it was a good thing. We were really great friends for 2 years before anything happened, and when it did, we just had fun with it. It was after a long dry spell for BOTH of us, and it was nice to scratch that itch! We still talk, and do still want each other to find a real, longterm soulmate, but we both know that will never be the nature of our relationship. We have no intention of ending our friendship, we've been through way too much together, but as we reach out and bring more into our lives, we've done pretty well going with the flow and leaving that part of it behind. The most IMPORTANT part of this whole thing is that from the beginning, we TALKED. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels - HONESTLY - it's the way we've always worked.
If you don't have the right kind of friendship, or the right kind of connection, it's not gonna work for you. If you do, and you have the maturity to accept it for what it is, it will. And keep it fun - if it's too much work, or you spend too much time analyzing what it ISN'T, then it CAN destroy the friendship. Only you can decide if it's worth it. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 7:06:38 PM | "I believe it obviously takes 2 to have sex and if a guy wants to do a 360 and loose respect for a woman "he just has sex with", he isn't quality material to begin with."
As I said, I believe women do have the right to seek any type of relationship they want. No one thinks twice when men do. In many circumstances men are even encouraged. That is nothing new. You are right ForgivenFaith114, men that think less of a woman because they had sex with her are not quality material to begin with. It is as if women are the ones who are to take all the responsibility and the crap for something that is supposed to be mutually satisfying.
Also, Ginna....I hope you can take some solace knowing that you are not alone. So many women have experienced this. I look at it as a couple hours of pleasure will now take a couple months if not a year or more to get over. I am pretty much over what happened to me. That was a year ago. I felt just like you did. So, give it time. You will feel better and be better for it. You have learned something about yourself. I know I will never again give myself so freely to anyone. I actually value sex and myself more now. I didn't even like the guy that much that I slept with at first. I even canceled our second date because he didn't do much for me. But, after I slept with him ... I just thought he was the best ever. He wasn't. I was vulnerable and lonely. I had just divorced. What a mistake. I learned my lesson. Never again. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 7:12:46 PM | But, after I slept with him ... I just thought he was the best ever. He wasn't. I was vulnerable and lonely. I had just divorced. What a mistake. I learned my lesson. Never again.
In other words you was rebounding . Don't you think that might have had something to do with it ? Not the type of relationship but who and when ?
You know as often as I have posted on this thread a person might accidentally get the idea that such a relationship is what I am looking for.
Well actually I am not. I would much rather have a long term relationship.
I am merely trying to dispel some common myths and misunderstandings on FWB. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 7:31:14 PM | Friends with benefits won't work unless you've been friends with someone a while and you are doing it for NO OTHER REASON then to fulfill a need. Being friends with someone a year or two at least means that you're not interested in dating them or getting involved. That's part of the reason you'd do something like that. It's a way for two people to get laid that are in between relationships that don't want the hassle of a full blown relationship. Agreeing to an FWB for any other reason then pure sex and nothing else aside from your established friendship is asking for trouble. If possible, choose someone you're not even all that attracted to, so there's no confusion.
Anyone you have sex with and you've not known long is not an FWB, it's either an FB or a NSA deal...both of which are harder to maintain because you're sleeping with someone you basically don't know that much about, so you have no idea if you're the only one, where they've been, what type of personality they'll have and it's much easier to get attached because that person's new to you. Naturally, no good comes of that, unless you're really a robot about your sex life. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 7:58:41 PM | You know you can't blame yourself for reacting normaly. I'v been there. "Friends" with someone of the other sex can be complicated. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:25:24 PM | "I am merely trying to dispel some common myths and misunderstandings on FWB"
LOL...I know, I can tell what you're doing. It is actually pretty brave of you given that fact there are several women here who are not so hot on the idea (to say the least).
But, it is complicated. Sure, you can do it like Oldschoolqueen describes...but, you might as well be doing it with him ---->  That is just not very appealing and why bother. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:29:12 PM | Oh the fact that some women might hold it against me dosen't bother me. If they would base their determination on that by itself then it really wouldn't matter what they thought.
I feel that a persons honesty and character is going to win through anyway. Being politically correct or only going by the accepted manner of doing things has never been my style anyway. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:54:14 AM | | I don't quite understand this whole friends with benefits or sex buddies, sex is suppsed to be about showing love for each other not friendship and i'm pretty sure having multiple sex partners is very unhealthy and it hurts those who want a relationship with the person. I attempted suicide on match 5th due to the fact I wanted a relationship and she wanted friends with benefits | |
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zin20
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Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 94 | |
| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:57:58 AM | | I am good lookin fun sweet 22 great car great job nice place just came out of a long 2.5 year relationship and for sum reason i cant meet anyone on this site for a no strings attached good time I mean i have a heart so i obviously have to care about her if I touch her but I just want a sweet grl looks dont matter that likes to cuddle have fun and likes to be taken care of | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:09:47 AM | Msg 93 If you attempted suicide over a difference with someone you wasn't even in a relationship with then you need more then a relationship you need counseling.
Msg 94 just what does any of that broadcasting have to do with the subject at hand. NSA is along ways from FWB | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:27:25 AM | I don't quite understand this whole friends with benefits or sex buddies, sex is suppsed to be about showing love for each other not friendship and i'm pretty sure having multiple sex partners is very unhealthy and it hurts those who want a relationship with the person. I attempted suicide on match 5th due to the fact I wanted a relationship and she wanted friends with benefits
Wow, where do I begin...
First of all FWB is not multiple partners, it's an attempt to avoid that while maintaining a consistent sex life free of the hassle of having to be involved. It is unhealthy if someone's sleeping with many people and not telling you because it puts you at risk, but that's another thing altogether for another thread, it's just not what an FWB entails.
Secondly, wanting a relationship with someone who doesn't want one is a surefire way to frustrate yourself almost immediately and will go on for a very long time. If you both don't want the same things, then it should be a no-deal right there and then. If you agree to an FWB deal hoping for more, yeah - you're gonna get hurt.
Thirdly, no one (and I mean NO ONE) is worth suicide, especially a broad that didn't even want a relationship with you, and has only her best interest at heart. Not to say she's a villain, because she's not. She was honest with you. If it was an attempt to get attention, did it work? Friends with benefits is asked for because someone doesn't want to get too personally involved. I would think what you did might have forced the total opposite of what she was seeking on her, and I expect that it didn't go over too well.
I agree with the fact that you need some serious and consistent therapy. Don't ever let someone else's agenda take priority over your life. It's a nasty way to hurt people that actually do care about you, like friends and family, and it's not fair to them. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 10:33:07 AM | Well, speaking from experience..
I was f*ck buddies with an ex. h lived in the next town over. We had loads of fun! We would go out and watch a movie. we were good friends, and then once in a while if one of us was feeling lonely, we would have a good f*ck. It ended nicely. we both decided that we wanted something more, but not with eachother. We parted ways. It is a fond memory.
Communication is key!
Cat | |
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ginna2
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Joined: 1/28/2007
Msg: 98 | |
| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:13:20 AM | | Looking: thanks for the personal reply. I can't believe what I have done to myself. But like you said, I have learned from it. Im taking a "leave of absence" and going to Michigan with my sister for a while to get the hell away from here. I just lost my Poppa in August due to a horrifying battle with cancer. He was only 69. It tore me up. Not only that I sustained an on the job injury abt 3 years ago (tendonitis-from 18 years of typing) only to be let go from a company I gave my heart n soul to for 18 years. Now THIS!!!!! Talk about suicidal!!!! | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:39:42 AM | ok...sigh*...so lets get this straight...he said he didnt want a relationship...but you got involved anyways...in a few crazy moments he claimed he didnt want this to be just about sex...so you bought into that...then he got laid and started acting like a jerk...am i basically good so far?
Umm did you ever go to high school...rememeber how a guy would say he loved you like 2 and a half weeks in? You put out...and all his friends would laugh at you...cuz really he just wanted another notch? This guy sounds like that...sure he is a jerk...and yea...was just after sex...BUT HE TOLD YOU THAT WHEN HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. grrr...why do seemingly smart women not get this. Your too good for friends with benefits...and really you arent getting much in terms of benefits.
You werent used exactly...as for some moments in time he was actually honest with you...he didnt want a relationship...but he didnt want just sex either. Translation: he wants sex...with a girl who puts up with his daily sh_t...but he doesnt have to be monogomous or respectful...and you agreed.
smarten up honey and give yourself more credit than FWB. | |
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| Friends with Benefits
Posted: 3/7/2007 12:14:13 PM | | A lot of these FWB guys can be tricky to get you involved. It's true that they tell you they just want a FWB relationship, they will tell you this after a date or two. Since it has been only a couple of dates, you don't really think anything about it. He keeps seeing you, you go places and do things together, by the looks of it you are heading for a bf/gf relationship. You don't say anything about it because you do not want to scare the guy off. After 5 or 6 dates you are having sex. Then you start spending the night. You ask if they are seeing anyone else, they say no. After 6 months or more of dating, you timidly ask if you are now bf/gf, he says no, he said right off it was FWB, so you knew what you were getting into. His conscience is clear. But he gave all the signs of loving you!!! He misled you. So you dump him, and nurse your broken heart, while he moves on to trick the next one. | |
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