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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 8:16:05 PM | hmmm, i think we have to refer back to the threads title
TRUE narcissist
True narcissist are not ''angry men''. The hallmark of a narcissist is their LACK of feeling. They may show anger at times, but mainly, they don't have much emotion or feeling. They are dissociated, emotion from physical responses to OTHERS. For themselves they have feelings and care, just not for others.
The term Narcissist is from Greek Mythology...
Narcissus was a beautiful young man. Echo fell in love with him and he rejected her or I think never noticed her love, and she died of this broken heart. For the punishment of Narcissus' disregard for her feelings, Narcissus was condemned to stare at his own reflection in the water for all eternity....a reflection that he fell in love with to the exclusion of all others. And he withered and died there, gazing at himself, seeing nothing else more beautiful enough to turn his head.
Okay so that's the picture of a narcissist.
Self-absorbed
No emotion or empathy for others feelings
Promisculous.
Wanting to be adored and validated constantly
Believe themselves to be special and elite and can only be understood by other special people
Even they say narcissists often look younger than their age because their faces are not marked with worry or expression lines....because they just don't feel for anything or anyone. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 9:25:01 PM | Sofish- Oh, he was BIG on the silent treatment. Littledid he know, towards the end, he was doing me a favor. He DID figure it out eventually and thats when the blowouts became more volatile. He would start throwing things. In a house with four small children.
And what you said about constant need for validation..BINGO. For sure. He was always causing problems with my family as if he had to see my choose HIM over them time and time again. It was never enough.
lmnop-thanks for the support girl! I'm moving on for sure. He's starting to look like a speck in the distance...and he knows it. Thats all I have to deal with now. He actually came for visitation the other day and tried to get on my case about my new guy. I blew him off without even being confrontational and completely took the wind out of his sails.
shemail- holy crap, what you said about them making you feel like you are the crazy one and you are the source of all the conflict. Yet another aspect that I can totally relate to. I lived in "his world" for so long, my sense of reality really was skewed. I really did start thinkint that some of the things he did weren't so bad. It was only when I re-connected with family and friends that I seen it for the dysfunction that it was. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 9:55:30 PM | | But enough about me. Tell me what you think of me!... oh yes, I am familiar with being in the front row of a narcissist's life. Just a planet circling them. A lot of narcissists hide under 'alcoholic/drug addict'. I see them in 'the halls' and the more sober they get, the more you see it's all about them. Of course, they say it's because they are 'alcoholic', but NPD won't go away no matter what. I too fell under the spell of one. I would call it the '11th hour' relationship. Always at my 11th hour he would feign 'giving' me something to keep me as his hostage. I admit, the charm and the things he did 'just for him' did include some fun for me. He was a pilot, he had a boat, he loved to travel. So, I enjoyed some benefits. But, when I hurt or needed 'the partner' he was no where to be found. So, I volunteered for the 'tour of the NPD'. No regrets. I learned, I loved, and moved on. I can say that now! It took a couple of years to de-tox. You're not alone and there's lots of help for those of us that experienced it. Be grateful you are getting out! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 10:13:56 PM | LOL, absolutely! I even went back to him to try to give him a second chance, lol!
He is still a liar, selfish, all about him and his needs and still very vain!
I previously tried to sue him for the money that he borrowed from me, he filed for bankruptcy! This time around he promised to pay me back monthly. It has been 2 mths and i have not seen a dime yet! But i will not hold my breath! I am not surprised that you married yours since they suck you in bigtime!! Trust me, i understand, mine could have wrote a book about it! He is a classic narcissist!! He just does not get it and never will! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 10:14:01 PM | LOL, absolutely! I even went back to him to try to give him a second chance, lol!
He is still a liar, selfish, all about him and his needs and still very vain!
I previously tried to sue him for the money that he borrowed from me, he filed for bankruptcy! This time around he promised to pay me back monthly. It has been 2 mths and i have not seen a dime yet! But i will not hold my breath! I am not surprised that you married yours since they suck you in bigtime!! Trust me, i understand, mine could have wrote a book about it! He is a classic narcissist!! He just does not get it and never will! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 10:38:05 PM | | My ex was bipolar, with obsessive compulsive disorder, but listening to the post here, started me thinking. Everything had to revolve around her. She could not be bothered with the concerns of others. She put up a fiscade of normalcy to put her family at ease, yet they knew the act. They knew the inevitable destruction that would befall me. It was a process of destroying a guys family, friends, financial situation, and everything else as she tried to hold her illusion together. At first I couldn't see it, but time went by, I saw her act contrary to what I expected. I now think there was an element of narcissism to her. If I could turn back time, I would say "RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!". | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 7:56:06 AM | This thread has given me a lot to think about. I was not aware of the whole NPD thing, until now. The descriptions put forth bring back so many memories, yet I am unsure if my ex fits all of the criteria...
A few years back I was having some health problems, and when I went to the doctor (useless small town GP), he led me to believe I had cancer (turned out to be a collapsed lung, the guy had NO CLUE how to read an x-ray~not the point however).
My ex became all "emotional" wondering how he could possibly live without me...
Everything was always about him. I was hospitalized for nine days the second time my lung collapsed (can you say stress?), and he came to see me five days after I was admitted, drunk, and asked me for money.
I have never heard the term "Emotional Vampire" before, but god does it describe him to a "T"!! He just sucked the life force right out of me, until I felt there was nothing left...He was very controlling, a total sex addict, he too went looking elsewhere for his own gratification...
I always put it down to his alcoholism, believing that was the main source of his problem. Our relationship ended in a horrible way (which I won't post here, I talked a little about it in another thread so I won't repeat it here), and to this day he tells me that he "knows" we will be together again, because he can't live without me. (I can't live WITH him, but he doesn't particularily care about that little fact!!)
The only difference I see in his behaviour to others described here is the anger issue. He had one hell of a temper, and was very abusive (both physically and mentally). Does this mean that he doesn't fit the profile? He was very self-centered and controlling~EVERYTHING was about him. I would appreciate any input on the subject. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:30:00 AM | breathless...
It is so confusing because there are 5 personality disorders that all have elements of Narcissism in them Thats why this title was so interesting because quadmom emphasized a "TRUE" narcissist, and really, they are not that common. And also, as she mentioned, hard to diagnose because their traits are found in other personality disorders. And true narcissists function quite well in the world, many are overachievers, and if they are not, they believe they are special and just haven't been recongized yet. Or they dismiss people from their lives who do not treat them as such....keeping themselves surrounded by admirers who can reinforce their ego with praise and adoration.
They DO get angry, but a true narcissist would never ever tell you that they cannot live without you. They would be more likely to say you cannot live without them. So maybe your guy is of the other 4 persaonlity disorders who has traits of narcissim...from what I remember the 5 are (in least severity to worst):
Phallic Narcisstic Charcter
Narcissistic Character
Borderline Personality
Psychopathic Personality
Paranoid Personality
Maybe you can some of that up online....or even just google ''personality disorders''.
Hope that helps. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:38:24 AM | Oh my gosh..the very thought of my ex ever saying he couldn't live without me made me laugh.
The ONLY thing he ever said along that type of line is that "You ARE NOT going to leave me, I won't let you."
Does that count? | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:55:07 AM | i had the pleasure of living with one for a few years.
all he did was get stoned, watch tv and eat everything in sight. he took breaks to complain about how much he hated people who had money. then he'd complain that everyone was jealous of him. he'd brag endlessly about imaginary accomplishments. the slightest thing he did he blew totally out of proportion. if he took a phone message for me, you'd think he had personally written the 'magna carta.'
it went on....i thought i'd lost my f*cking mind.
glad i don't have that in my life anymore. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 11:42:13 AM | I feel so bad for narcissists. This is truly one of the worst personality disorders one can have. They have no authentic self and it is completely built on a false ego which is predominantly so inflated it is beyond reason.
My mother has strong narcissistic tendencies. Down deep, she too knows that she is ill in some way but also knows that it's not treatable and in 99.9% of cases it isn't. The best that one can expect if they have this disorder is to warn others of how it will affect them. They cannot stop the behaviours or their mindset. It overtakes them completely.
The best anyone can do, if they choose to love and live with a narcissist is to learn how to humour them and how to duck the proverbial punches.
I personally can't enter into romantic relationships with them. They are very charming in the beginning though and really make you feel a bloated sense of importance, but of course that is just to land you as one of the people tools in their a***nal of life. They will never understand compassion, or what it's like to walk in another's shoes. They are seemingly incapable.
Very sad.Most of them are brilliant. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 11:56:29 AM | yes; two with NPD and one true sociopath; I seem to attract all the best ones, hey? Trouble is you don't really see that kind of thing coming; in the beginning it looks as though they are truly confident and have always been screwed over by everyone else.
Ugh. Hindsight sucks.
Fry | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 12:36:31 PM | Thank-you for the reply sofishtikated. Now in relation to him saying he couldn't live with out me, well he certainly did, it was just his way of once again making everything about him...
He owned his own business, was very hard-working, and could be very charismatic. But yes, if you weren't a member of his "fan" club, he would instantly dismiss you.
A friend of mine actually thought he might be a sociopath...I just don't know. There are so many disorders out there today, it's hard to find someone who DOESN'T have one...
He did tell me numerous times that I couldn't live without him, and constantly put me down to make himself feel better.
Maybe he was just a supreme a$$hole!!
Thanks for the input guys. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 12:37:05 PM | NPD CAN be controlled with medication, but you're right there is no cure - and narcissists know more than doctors, so they generally dump the meds anyhow. It was sad how that lady I loved could take an incredibly good day and deliberately ruin it when she heard just one little thing wrong, focused on the bad and made that her truth no matter what. I miss her the odd time, but I'm a lot better off without her.
Steve | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 1:57:17 PM | YES! Juniper, its amazing how much my ex hated rich people and projected behaviors on them that weren't even real.
He hated my sister only because he assumed she is wealthy due to her job. He would come up with all kinds of slights she had performed against him....all imaginary. I'm sure they were real to him..his jealousy was such that he couldn't see what was real or not.
He feels a sense of entitlement unlike any I've ever known. HE should be the one with those things and that bank account and ANYone other than he who have them isn't worthy.
It really will drive you insane. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:03:30 PM | | In your situation you should be more concerned with going on or moving on with your life. Be glad you are getting away from him and stop trying to diagnose his problems, work on yours. Sometimes people like to focus on other peoples problems than look at their own. You survived, you learned and now your away from him. Thank God you are now rid of him and spend your energy on better things than figuring out whats wrong with him. You said he won't go to a doctor and thinks he's fine, so quit trying to play his shrink. You should be able to find a few things to focus on to improve your life, not dwelll on his issues. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:33:45 PM | Uh..moon-fish. He's gone. I rejoice in that daily. But it had an impact on my life and the repercussions will slap me in the face daily. My children will be impacted by this. I posted the thread in an attempt to hear the stories of others who have been where I was and perhaps have a better understanding of how I might be able to help my children. Unfortunately a child loves unconditionally and when that love is not returned, I'm going to have four young people asking ME questions about WHY.
Believe me, he's in my rearview mirror...barely a speck in the distance. "My problems" are nothing. How to get more sleep.....spending more productive time on my household chores. THOSE are my miniscule issues. My mental health was restored the moment he packed his sh!t and got out of my house.
I don't need to diagnose him. Its already been done and I'm not focusing my energies on him. I posted a thread. Thats it. I deal with him twice a week and thats for about 5 minutes in passing as he see's the kids.
Sorry, but your post came off as hostile with a thin veil of support over it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/20/2007 10:55:28 PM | Hats off to you Quadmom. I think moonfish was rude and judgemental and I wouldn't have been as nice in my response as you were. You're articulate and even-tempered. Moon fish, these are the FORUMS, speaking your thoughts and experiences is PRECISELY what they are for! I mean isn't that was you yourself just did? Isn't there somewhere else YOU could be spending your energy on to improve YOUR life?
Where do you get off telling this woman on what to spend her energy or to improve her life? Maybe her life is perfect and needs no improvement, how presumptuous of you. She has four children, I'm sure her energy is well-spent on them. What do you spend your energy on besides telling others how to conduct themselves?
I, for one, appreciate this thread she started very much. Her words and experiences have helped me to know I am not the only one to have encountered this type of individual. You sound so self-righteous, go away and don't read if you think it's a waste of energy. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/21/2007 5:46:46 AM | Thanks so much Sofish! I really do appreciate someone undertanding where I'm coming from.
I thought this place was about open dialog and understanding. I can talk to my mother in law if I want to be analyzed.
I was telling my mother last night that I am just so...relieved to find out that there are so many others who went through the same pattern of mental abuse. Because thats what it is, make no mistake. To this point, I thought that perhaps I was to blame for putting up with it at all and for being sucked in. I know now that these people are master manipulaters and for an honest person such as myself, there was no way to even imagine what he was capable of. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/21/2007 6:35:39 AM | Hi Quadmom oh I do not envy you at all. I married one and have dated a few. What a way to live. They are so numb except for themselves. I can relate to you thinking it was you. I was so beaten down emotionally from my husband it was pathetic. He left me and thank goodness. I was so destroyed I felt lucky to have him. He did me a favor and he didn't even know it.
Sofish explained it better than anyone I have ever heard or read. Go on, get over it, ha if they only knew what it takes from you. I know first hand how difficult it makes life and to trust again is almost impossible. I do not live in the past but some little thing a movie, a lyric or just passing someone on the street who looks like him can snap me right back into that nightmare. I doubt anyone who lived that life could ever get over it.
Try to remember you are entitled to all the joy and love in the world and that he is sick like a rabid dog. We are both fortunate that we are free of them. It was over 40 years ago that he left me and I can still remember that night. I rested better than I had since I met him.
I am sorry this happened to you. It may not be much consolation but you are not alone. Good luck in your future. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/21/2007 6:52:58 AM | hey quadmom
I too was married to a man with the disorder.
Check this site out.
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw
takecare susan | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/21/2007 7:22:24 AM | Isn't this all about HEALING? Sorry to disagree Sofish and Quad (God, how many times have I said that?) but Moon offered some sound advice - pretty much the same as my counsellor spoke to me. A narcissist will draw every bit of energy/emotion/being possible from his/her partner. Then, that partner is tossed away. To fix our broken self-esteem, we have to focus on the damage done to ourselves - not on the abusive partner. That means we have to ask ourselves some harsh questions - and face tough truths.
Steve | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/21/2007 7:29:21 AM | Don't narcissists pretty much date themselves ? lol !
They figure why date someone else when they've found perfection ! | |
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