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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:58:43 PM | This thread has helped me a lot to understand what happened in a recent relationship that ended badly with someone who at least has narcissistic tendencies if not actual NPD. Thank you for your insights.
Some of you might be interested in a recent NY Times article on the subject:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/20/fashion/20narcissist.html?scp=1&sq=narcissism&st=cse | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 1:53:06 PM | | There are alot of people in forums that are NPD..I can spot them after the first paragraph...Been dealing with one in another room all day..he hates cops. I imagine theres a 12 step program in his life going on too....total brainwashing with his rhetoric. There are more NPD people out there than we know. Its best to educate yourself on it so you don't end up with one... | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 6:55:10 PM | | This is a very hot topic because it has been on the top of this thread list for two years! It seems to be an increasing epidemic in our society, and Internet dating sites tend to be magnets for NPDs. I should know...I have dated more than my fair share of them. These"people" (if you can call them that) are wildly destructive. I am just curious as to why this is such a growing problem, and why there seem to be more of them out there than ever. I have read a number of books on the subject including "Help! I'm in Love with a Narcissist" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I highly recommend that one for recovering victims of NPDs. Otherwise, I am baffled as to why the NPD population is so large at this time, and growing. Could it be the anonymous, impersonal world we live in enables them to get away with more than they could have in the past? Just a thought. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 7:02:42 PM | Why is the population ever growing in NPD...could be because parents do not give their children enough boundaries and don't teach them respondsible behaviours....giving them dessert before dinner sort of speak.....a lot of hollywood elit are NPD because they never learned the word NO and it all became about them....they were the centre of their universe and expect to be treated as such. Others come by it naturally possibly even in the womb...a lot of adopted children have this disorder if not anti social they never were able to engage in healthy attachments because they learned at a young again even in the womb not to trust.....
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 7:22:51 PM | >If you mean someone whom screams out their OWN name in ecstasy...
>And a narcissist is a term for someone whom is stuck on themself...
Okay, sorry to comment on grammar, not substance; but in both of those sentences, "whom" should be "who."
(crosses out the words with red ink)
:)
It is true that the wise owl says whom, not who, but not in every case.
Easy rule of thumb:
Where he/ she would be a correct substitute, use "who" (who is the subject)
Where him/ her would be a correct substitute, use "whom" (whom is the object) | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 7:23:57 PM | | That's very true, iris43. When parents don't set boundaries for their kids, the kids feel unloved and uncared for. According to all of the books and articles I've read, the seeds for the disorder are sown during the first 18 months of life, due to parental neglect, abuse, emotionally deprivation, etc. Furthermore, NPD behavior is just a grandiose mask for deep insecurities and fathomless self-hatred. (As someone who used to work with famous entertainers, I can assure you that the majority of the bigger names are the most insecure, self-loathing people that ever lived!) These types are terrified of intimacy because they were let down by the people who were supposed to love them during their formative years. Thus, they can't form healthy emotional attachments. The main traits are lack of empathy for others, intense fear of intimacy, terror of vulnerabity in others or themselves, and the inability to take responsibility for their behavior. When they behave badly, it's always someone else's fault. They also project their own self-hatred onto others in the form of emotional abuse toward those who present the possibility for true intimacy, by brutally bashing the other person's self-esteem and playing sick mind games. Aside from that, they "wouldn't join a country club that would have them as a member." They don't want anyone who wants them, because they don't feel they deserve real love, cannot handle intimacy and have to live in a fantasy world. It is so very complicated. I could write a book. Maybe I will. Lord knows I've had enough experience with them. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:11:23 PM | My Dad was a narcissist....Mom was borderline
I am borderline...my sister is a narcissist
When I think of my sister, I say to myself....everybody sing together now.....
memememememememememememememememememe.....me
Went to visit step-Dad a while ago. He had family pictures on the dining room table.
There was one of his daughter....ones of her kids...one of their dog....a couple of my Mom....one of me...
And FIVE of my sister. He said to me..."why does she keep sending me pictures?"
I howled with laughter. Then I said to him "pick the one you like best, and leave it out, if you want...bury the other four until she visits" | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:32:43 PM |
Thus, they can't form healthy emotional attachments. The main traits are lack of empathy for others, intense fear of intimacy, terror of vulnerabity in others or themselves, and the inability to take responsibility for their behavior. When they behave badly, it's always someone else's fault. They also project their own self-hatred onto others in the form of emotional abuse toward those who present the possibility for true intimacy, by brutally bashing the other person's self-esteem and playing sick mind games.
This is my Ex *exactly* and I could (but I won't) list 300 examples of each. Until I learned more about Ns, I just absolutely couldn't understand "why" he was the way he was -- the lack of conscience, the lack of remorse, the inability to ever apologize, the ability to completely block out horrid remarks and behavior and just act like it never happened, the vindictiveness, the constant snide and cutting remarks (but never once anything even close to being a compliment), the mind games, the manipulation, the lies, the arrogance, the selfishness, the, the, the........definitely the most frustrating person I've ever been involved with. He was so completely full of himself that not a day went by where he wasn't bragging to me about being "the bestest of the mostest" (a phrase he coined - and genuinely meant!) And sadly, he's back on here - looking for his next victim, portraying himself as the total cat's a$$ with everything going for him, just a really "good guy." Hopefully the next sucker catches on much sooner than I did. There is simply no getting through to people like this; you will never be on the same level as them. You will never get them to understand that their behavior or attitude is wrong because they are legends in their own mind, truly. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 2:15:50 AM | | Every now and then, there is justice in this world. I have a friend who got involved with such a man and bore his only child. He refused to see the child. A judge had to intervene to make him pay child support...all the mother asked for was for him to pay half of the day care...it goes without saying the judge hit him for much more than that. Well...when this child was 4 years old the dad still refused to see him...one day the dad had an aneurysm burst and will now spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. Justice. Every now and then...what goes around really does come around. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:59:04 AM |
Every now and then, there is justice in this world. I have a friend who got involved with such a man and bore his only child. He refused to see the child. A judge had to intervene to make him pay child support...all the mother asked for was for him to pay half of the day care...it goes without saying the judge hit him for much more than that. Well...when this child was 4 years old the dad still refused to see him...one day the dad had an aneurysm burst and will now spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. Justice. Every now and then...what goes around really does come around.
I think I have to do a little defending here.....
My sister doesn't believe in "disorders". When I told her I had been diagnosed Borderline, she said that disorders are something that Doctors attach to people with similar symptoms, and that I should smarten up.
A couple of years later she started having problems with her "husband" (together 20 years, never married) she got a book...somewhere on narcissism. Decided that her husband is a narcissist. I spoke to her....she told me of her "conclusion" I asked her about her stance on "disorders"....answer "well in this case it's right". I then asked her if she was aware, that people with disorders often seek each other out, because the personality is "comfortable" for them. She asked me what I meant. I said....most of those symptoms apply to you too....
Her reply..."NO THEY DO NOT"
My point....people can read volumes on disorders...surf every site on the web....and not recognize that they fit what they're reading about.
The fact is that these disorders start in early childhood, and since the individual grows up with it, they don't know that it isn't "normal". Could he have changed his behaviour...yes...but he has to be aware that it's HIS behaviour and not someone else's that needs to be changed first. (I was the last to know, no one told me, until they disowned me)
As far as "what goes around comes around"....could be....maybe he was aware, and just ignored it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:12:39 AM | Yep I have and it is bizarre isn't it? Patholigical liar, always thinking of himself first, brushing off your feelings and your right to be treated with respect, getting very angry if you don't acknowledge him first all the time, in other words being a petulant, spoiled kid inside a grown up's body. Very frustrating and it never ever gets any better. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:14:45 AM | Me, me, me, the world revolves around ME!
Oh, Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way,
but doin' the best that I can.
I just can't wait to look in mirror each mornin'
I get better lookin' each day. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:31:44 AM | Wow Quad MOM..........this thread has brought a new light to a relationship that I am having with a woman. Your definition below fits sooooo perfectly with the attitude and actions of this woman I know. I had a feeling she was a narcissist because I heard that word before being used and I thought to myself. Hmmm maybe she is? What you described below fits exactly.
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Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 3 03 PM
For those other than Margo who have responded with laughter and jokes, its a personality disorder. I've got as good a sense of humor as the next chick, but this was a serious and painful experience in my life that has even affected my children.
And VERY few people see it before its too late because of its very nature. Moon-fish, had you ever dealt with one, you would know what I'm talking about. These people have been known to even be misdiagnosed by professionals and blaming the "victim" in this case, myself, is also a tactic they use to make themselves look big. I refuse to tell myself I should have seen it when there are trained professionals that miss it.
And Salamandar, he didn't declare himself one. Believe me. He still doesn't accept it. This was a therapist that declared and after a lot of research, I agreed. Its not a bit funny for someone whose lived it.
Someone with NPD will go to any lengths to keep up the illusion he is projecting. Usually its one of success, honesty, all the good personality points people usually admire.
Once the illusion begins to unravel (i.e. you find out they are lying about something) they feel cut off from there "source". A source for someone with NPD is ANYone who admires them. They HAVE to have your admiration and respect. Thats the entire point. Once the illusion is shattered, they have to find another supply, which usually means infidelity.
Usually narcissists are male, but there have been cases of female narcissist. These people will go to elaborate lengths to maintain their facade. And believe me, I know.
THANK YOU Margo! Just seen your post. What you are saying sounds like my life! He truly DID try everything in his power to break me once I became aware of what his problem was and what hedoes. He floats from one woman to the next...as if this will solve his problem and he is merely misunderstood. Whenever I asked him how something he was claiming was even possible, it suddenly became MY fault and he flew into a rage. The end result was me never getting an answer to the question. This man began to berate me and attempt to make me feel as if the problem lay with me. When he realized he couldn't convince me of this, I ceased to be worthy of him evidently. Which was good because I got a restraining order to get him out of my house.
He even tried to cut me off from my family and friends. Anyone who could show me the difference between reality and the world he had created and we were both living in. It took me 4 yrs to get out of it, so I truly do know what you are saying and don't give me too much credit for getting out of the situation. It took time to even begin to understand that there was truly something mental going on with him.
His life is a cycle of nothing but big plans and no action. Big dreams and big talk. Thats it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:39:28 AM | | Quadmom wrote this thread and I can't believe how many people this has helped. My ex was diagnosed true NPD. I thought he was just an alkie until he stopped drinking and his disorder came out like the Cracken! He was no longer anesthesising it with booze and pills.There is a huge difference between acting like a narcissist and having a narcissistic personality disorder. I see a lot online in these forums that deflect their ex's are NPD/HPD, when in reality they are the ones with the disorder. So I hear you about everything being everyone elses fault in their lives. Most don't think they have any problems at all. They are always right in their own reality they create. Their anger rules their reason. Their need to suck the life out of you and not allow you to be who you are ( instead of an extention of themselves and what they want)...is so catastrophic to the families they do this to. I am happy to say I don't miss that life anymore. My children can grow up well adjusted and happy. I am proud of those with this disorder that have not sunk into the denial and found help for themselves. Its a very hard thing to feel there is something wrong with you. It takes courage and honesty to embrace it and figure it out. Good luck to you and your family. NPD make the recipient so frustrated and angry...but think of the NPD/HPD themselves and how hard it must be to bear this burden of people hating them because of what they do. Its more than conceit, there isn't a cure and they will get worse as they get older. Its not a childs fault they weren't given boundaries, or were neglected..but they sure carry the burden of it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:55:16 AM |
Narcissistic personality disorder
NPD is a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration, extreme self-involvement, and lack of empathy for others. Individuals with this disorder are usually arrogantly self-assured and confident. They expect to be noticed as superior. Many highly successful individuals might be considered narcissistic. However, this disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 9:01:00 AM | They are called "Emotional vampires"!!!!
I'm glad you are waking up ,and he can not pull the wool over your eyes any more.
I dated this guy,who slept and had sex with his daughter(who is age 38 at the moment married with teenage kids).They had this incest relationship since she was age 13.
When I confronted this exmarine about my discovery(I'm talking physical evidence)he said"It is family innocens and the whole society is wrong"
This kind of people can not relate to your emotions!!
Run do not ever look back!!!
T-princess
Read the following books if you got time:
- Why is it all about you? By Sandy Hotchkiss
- When perfect partner goes perfectly wrong by Mary Jo Fay
- Emotional vampires
Dealing with people who drain you dry by Albert J. Bernstein,
Good luck!!!! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 9:15:14 AM | YES~OP I am going through that also
You will Laugh Your Arse Off on how narcissistic personality disorder this is...........
because to other people it is really funny................
even my parent's laughed at it
if you think that you heard it all
my daughter's father
amongst his 50 billion other things he has done
posted me my own classified ad
"Exotic Pet Looking for New Home"
Blah blah blah blah blah
named TART and my phone number
available free to a good home!
He called me a TART every day of our marriage. He even was kind enough to give me a monthlong classified ad in the local newspaper listing my phone number as an exotic pet! I would get phone call for people interested in Tart. They would ask me what is a TART? I would tell them a tart is an ex wife that was abandoned by her crazy ex husband who posted her as an animal in the newspaper. "what??"Yes, I am a tart. I was posted by my ex husband in the newspaper as an exotic pet.
Sadly enough OP, a few women who called on the tart ad had narcissist exes themselves!!! This woman told me to read "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the book is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 9:37:00 AM | Wow, I thought my ex-boyfriend was BPD but I see that NPD is very closely associated. It is really scary out here on the internet dating sites. I keep reading these threads and my ex definitely has put me through true hell and my hell is still continuing. Some days I just want to lock myself in my house and not go near another person. I know this is unrealistic. I believe that we all need to work on own issues and become confident in our own skins so that people with BPD and/or NPD (or any personality disorder) cannot take advantage of us. If we are confident in ourselves we can give to the people that are truly deserving of our attention and respect and not just feeding these "soul-less" people. Beware women in Ontario this BPD/NPD is in and out of this site on a regular basis. He puts "not single/not looking" and states that he is dating someone special but leaves his profile up. A month later his status is single then adds and subtracts his favorites so he can prove his statements to a new person as he sees fit....looks great on paper, even sounds like the perfect guy over the phone...ask what he thinks are his faults and he'll probably tell you that he picks the wrong women! How is that for a telling comment! As continued punishment to me, he added pictures of himself, with me obviously cut out, that were taken in MY livingroom....I have my own issues that I'm dealing with but obviously my anger and frustration is something I still have to deal with  .
Good Luck to everyone out there who is still in a relationship with someone like this and to the people that are still trying to deal with the after effects - hang in there it does get better now that you are out....I am still hopeful that there is a "normal" truly "nice guy" out there and we will find eachother soon. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:56:24 PM | | Well, yeah, Quazi 100, I'm sure he was quite aware that he had fathered a child. The mother provided the biological proof for that. Ummm...yeah, he was aware he was not seeing his only child. Whether or not he was aware that made him an ***hole, who knows? At any rate, karma took care of his ass!! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 6:14:02 PM |
Well, yeah, Quazi 100, I'm sure he was quite aware that he had fathered a child. The mother provided the biological proof for that. Ummm...yeah, he was aware he was not seeing his only child. Whether or not he was aware that made him an ***hole, who knows? At any rate, karma took care of his ass!!
NoTagLine...
Hey...I'm not disputing that some men can be real idiots when it comes to seeing and supporting their kids....finding ways to work illegally, and other nonsense, so they won't have any "reportable" income. And seeing the kid...well I could write a book on that.
But it doesn't necessarily make him a narcissist...which is what I'm talking about.
And yes, I'm a firm believer in karma..... | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 6:20:27 PM | | Yep...you're probably right...probably not a thing wrong with him...or like you stated your sister's husband either...and you're probably right that you do have a personality disorder. Thanks for clarifying this for us. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:40:48 PM |
Yep...you're probably right...probably not a thing wrong with him...or like you stated your sister's husband either...and you're probably right that you do have a personality disorder. Thanks for clarifying this for us.
Ummm, the sarcasm puzzles me....
I don't believe that I said "yay" or "nay" to either gentleman being a narcissist...which is what this thread is about. If you want to start attaching labels to every man who doesn't meet his responsibilities, when it comes to his kids.....you're gonna need a whole whack of labels.
In my experience, which is far more than I care to have, a father often doesn't meet his responsibilities as a way of getting back at his partner.....it actually has nothing to do with the child. This is the real tragedy...the child is used as a pawn. I know that's how it was with my Dad...
And yes, I do have a personality disorder, that has been diagnosed, and I have been discharged from therapy as having the tools and strategies I need to lead a productive life...my therapist has a Masters degree...I think it's safe to listen to him.
Now, can we get back to the topic of narcissism? | |
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