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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:39:11 AM | xN was covert..came across as being the 'perfect gent', sucked me in to fall in love with him with charm and BS. Once I was under his spell I then became his target to abuse, manipulate, and use me. The mind-games were hurtful to say the least. I noticed the change only after I proclaimed my love for him.
He was also covertly abusive to some of his staff and friends, they were used and manipulated for his wants and needs. The only time he towed the line with staff and friends was when he needed the facade / image to project an upfront decent well adjusted person - but that would change once he had his use from whomever.
I would suggest anyone who has an interest in knowing the TRUE NARCISSIST read their traits because this is a VERY complicated and mind bending sickness...one that can take a long time to overcome (detox) | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:58:00 AM |
So TRUE narcissism (I didn't Google the term but I feel I should have with this crowd) is someone showing overtly that they have the same qualities that 88% of the people entangled in an unsavory relationship have - control, manipulation, deceit/lies, subversive tactics to undermine your credibility and good name.
I would wager that even a TRUE narcissist knows that others will see through their near perfect images that they labor to create for themselves. What was said I believe is that TRUE narcissism isn't meant to affect partners alone but the world as a whole, from co-workers to strangers, those they love in their own little self-absorbed way and those they try desperately to disparage.
I was merely deflecting but labeling someone who apparently needs a shrink as the most severe of all narcissists doesn't hide the fact that no one wants to look bad whether in a committed relationship or coming out of one.
I just went to your profile, and saw that you're a big game player....how nice.
Personally I'm a Dale Jr. fan, but if I had to guess, I'd say that you're a........Kyle Busch fan.
I was merely deflecting
What were you deflecting? | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:45:17 PM | Egads! What's with all the victims???
Jr. is going to end up on cable TV like Reba! Has a huge following of losers with no eye for real talent. Add, talent and success is the combination of the leader (Jimmy Johnson rules!) and his supporting cast. I'm a Chad Knaus fan... And if you never knew this this tidbit, he came from Dale Earnhardt's Inc. stables but they didn't realize what they had.
FYI: Gaming and porn have offered much to Fortune 500 companies and the world in terms of technology and proven valuable research. There are certain industries that cannot be sold on Google products and ideology and I'm in a recession proof one at that! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:28:15 PM | anabolic scribe:
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 1080
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History
Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/17/2009 11 17 PM
"""""""""""""Egads! What's with all the victims???
Jr. is going to end up on cable TV like Reba! Has a huge following of losers with no eye for real talent. Add, talent and success is the combination of the leader (Jimmy Johnson rules!) and his supporting cast. I'm a Chad Knaus fan... And if you never knew this this tidbit, he came from Dale Earnhardt's Inc. stables but they didn't realize what they had.
FYI: Gaming and porn have offered much to Fortune 500 companies and the world in terms of technology and proven valuable research. There are certain industries that cannot be sold on Google products and ideology and I'm in a recession proof one at that!""""""""""""""""""
go to another forum. or actually google the topic. your comments are not in any way supportive or needed. you are offensive to the people in this forum who have actually had to deal with this problem. It is not a joke to us, so go blow, somewhere else. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2009 3:14:02 AM | | Wow I feel like everyone knows exactly what I was going through here. My ex (travler055 ) held most all of these traits. I was put down and blamed for his being on dating websites and all of his lying and cheating. I got laughed at, called names, put down and anything else he could think of to say to me to hurt me. It was something you should only have to read about , not live. I wont even discuss what he did financially to me. I see there is someone on his favorites list and I feel for that person. She is in for a life of hell, if she gets involved with him. I never received ONE apology for any of his actions. EVER. It should have told me something that he was 54 and never married and never had a LTR over a couple of years. I just thank God that I woke up and stopped being in love with the idea of being in love. I am free to move on with life and free of this abuse and punishment. Thanks so much everyone for sharing information on this topic. Some days seem surreal but I am so thankful. I look forward to having a loving , kind man in my life. This experience will make me ever so grateful when I find the right one. Once again . Thanks ! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:01:46 AM |
Wow I feel like everyone knows exactly what I was going through here. My ex (travler055 ) held most all of these traits. I was put down and blamed for his being on dating websites and all of his lying and cheating. I got laughed at, called names, put down and anything else he could think of to say to me to hurt me. It was something you should only have to read about , not live. I wont even discuss what he did financially to me. I see there is someone on his favorites list and I feel for that person. She is in for a life of hell, if she gets involved with him. I never received ONE apology for any of his actions. EVER. It should have told me something that he was 54 and never married and never had a LTR over a couple of years. I just thank God that I woke up and stopped being in love with the idea of being in love. I am free to move on with life and free of this abuse and punishment. Thanks so much everyone for sharing information on this topic. Some days seem surreal but I am so thankful. I look forward to having a loving , kind man in my life. This experience will make me ever so grateful when I find the right one. Once again . Thanks !
I just looked at your profile, thankfully, I don't live near you.
There's more good information in the thread listed below, especially on the last page...if you're interested.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/12807358datingPostpage2.aspx | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:56:35 PM | Something needs to be done about flaming in this post:
I was also offended by the remarks made by RN10 as well. It took me a bit to figure out who it was but when the smoke screen cleared, I read that old familiar rant I have heard before. I noticed they erased the remarks and I don't think it was his girlfriend who wrote them. I am strongly thinking it was firelady's ex husband , he was complaining about (and disclosing personal family information on her). He shows no class whatsoever. What I say to him is,"Who cares"? I don't care what her family background is! It doesn't make her bad because her life was difficult and whatever her family members did doesn't make her guilty by association. We don't choose our families, we choose to overcome any bad influence they have had over us. Even if we learn our lessons the hard way. I suggest he does the same.
RN10 you sound like a rabid dog NPD. It is clear to all of us that have survived the NPD, his lashing out is all too familiar. They play the victim to anyone who will be sucked in by it. They are out to defame and punish, not to heal from their own afflictions. In their minds its "OK for them to be deceptive" but they bring shame and attention to everyone Else's mistakes. I bet he's telling his girlfriend what a perfect spouse he was and can't understand how the marriage went south. I would like to see his family background. I bet it has its own closet of secrets and is deeply dysfunctional. It was not nice to say things about fireladys family especially in the light of her losing her father recently. Her ex husband is without compassion and conscience.
If his girlfriend wrote it, how can she say anything about people she has never met or spent time with? How can she point her finger at anyone of these people without all the facts? IF it was her it really speaks volumes about her grasp on life. Wonder what she would feel if some of her dirty laundry was exposed to the public. How about if anyone called her family names and insinuate falsehoods or private business about them? I don't think she would like it.( I don't think she wrote it). It might be good to gather the facts before talking about subjects you know nothing about. NPD look it up!
As Others have stated here, if he were such an angel in his marriage, he would still be married. He doesn't want to take any responsibility for what his actions caused in their marriage which is typical of addicts, NPD's, BPD's and other disorders. They only focus on everyone Else's flaws and bring them to the magnifying glass.( keep in mind she doesn't drink smoke or do drugs..she has never abused these...he does!). NPD's are almost always addicts of some kind.
After reading his vicious abuse here, I don't blame his ex wife for leaving him. We just got to see a possible NPD in action?
Good thing none of us have ever made mistakes! I am sure he said his slate is perfect, or he "under reports" his imperfections. Addiction is not fun to live with, let alone past family baggage. I am sure he blames her for all of it. Why can't he just accept HE chose the bottle, drugs, pornography over his marriage and family? In this choice HE made other destructive choices that their marriage and family paid for. He set the precedence for the tone of the marriage. HE lied to her about things he did during their courtship and before they got married that would have altered whether or not she would have married him. He suddenly became angelic when they said their vows but he forgots about all of the heartache and destruction he caused? Addicts don't change like that or they would all be able to quit without intervention. It was she that encouraged him to stop, but he won't tell you that. His definition of honesty is bent.
I also noticed on RN10's profile it was a "she" and firelady was mentioned there too. "To set the record straight". He had to make sure he sent his ex wife the message he had "found the love of his life too", (in commenting on his ex wife's profile).
So what? I feel sorry for anyone who is baited in to his deceptions. If they are so happy what is he doing on a dating site? He wouldn't have found the forums if he wasn't trolling for new targets. HE deliberately checks up on his ex-wife and seeks her out to take out his self hatred on. His covert simmering under the surface rage is apparent and he sounded like a manipulative, raving loon.
If his girlfriend wrote it (again, which I doubt) maybe "water seeks its own level". Maybe he talked her into it. She hasn't a clue he's using her for his own gain. Remember, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him.
I noticed firelady no longer posts here, so I emailed her. I know her personally. I have to say she is a great asset to this forum. She is entitled to come here and state her opinion and find support. Maybe HE should be shamed for the things he has said at his AA/NA meetings. ??????
I among others here have asked her to come back. She has shared personally with some of us, all of HER flaws, mistakes, choosing bad partners, relearning new coping skills and reactions to her life with and without her addictive ex husband. Some of them were not something to be proud of but,the nice thing about purging your own dirty laundry is she is no longer afraid of his "emotional blackmail". ( I am sure he always fails to mention his addictions to lust, pornography,sex, stealing, drugs, drinking, DUI's,emotional unavailability, lying and manipulative deceptions.).
The people that truly love her, won't/ don't measure her by her imperfections. We learned in group never to believe you can't heal. He just wants to hold her head under the water so she can drown in his misery and hatred of her, (but he expects everyone else to forgive his indiscretions, and ongoing manipulations.). We also learned zero tolerance and zero contact rules.She left here to maintain what her therapist suggested.The wisdom she has gained and shared from study , in group,and life lessons makes her more than qualified to earn her life and dignity back. We love her flaws and all. I refuse to listen to his rubbish.
I am grateful to know her and her therapist, and how far firelady has come in her own recovery of her life. Its hard to face your own inadequacy, codependence and find the strength you need to go on. She has embraced who she really is and accepted her shortcomings. Since divorcing him, she went back to school, at 46, graduated from the fire academy and has an admirable job. Shes a wonderful person, loving mother/ friend and a great inspiration.
(SIDE NOTE:, Her therapist has helped in many of local womens/mens recovery programs. She is an expert in the field of neurology, personality,emotional and mental disorders from abusive childhoods. Addictions and cross addicted personalities. She helps families that deal with this.She is a tough teacher and cuts through the bull).
Nice thing about a small town, you get to know everyone and see and hear what a person is made of. I have seen fireladys picture in our local papers several times, I know some of the people she works with. I know people she has helped. They have wonderful things to say about her, as they have witnessed her work. Their kids are amazing and HE, their father, is not engaged in their lives by choice. He justifies his absence and blames her for that too, but fails to "man up" as a father. It is not her job to make sure he does this. He should be grown up enough to realize he was divorced for a reason, and stop badmouthing the mother of his children. Find a healthy way to repair what he has done to all of them. Their kids don't respect him for this. He didn't like rejection and will 'get even' at every chance. He has spent so much of his time trying to even the score, HE damaged his relationship with his kids. They have been spectators to his behavior. The ongoing counseling they have had, made them get better so his dysfunction no longer works on them. Addicts don't like when their partners and family members get help (and heal) because the addict can no longer manipulate them. He won't ever admit shes really come a long way as he wants her to fail and make his hateful thoughts of her come true. I think he underestimated her strength and her ability to spring back when she is not influenced by sick people. He would love to see her fail. What kind of person does this???? His hateful rant and denial of his behavior proves this. Its obviously more than addiction.
No one is perfect, including her. However, maybe he needs to ask himself what HE did to hurt their marriage, and take a deeper responsibility for it because all his behavior shows is how sick he has remained. How did he lend to the demise of their relationship? Look in his own mirror,Then take true responsibility for it, not the fake act he puts on for others. His girlfriend might want to take note of his rage toward his ex wife. I would also question his supposed evidence as most of it is fabricated or embellished. The Doctor he paid, to diagnosed her "without even meeting her or the kids" was really a stretch. He used this in court.There are two sides to every story and the only one he sticks to is the fake diagnosis of someone that has never met his ex wife. Just further proof he will stop at nothing to get what he wants.
The real "court ordered evaluation" they made of all of them, states he is a narcissist. He has distorted thinking and he takes a little information and makes an embellished story out of it to make him look like a victim. He publicly humiliated her to try and gain custody of their kids. What message was he giving to their kids to do that to all of them? If I were his kid I wouldn't speak to him after the way he has treated their mother or them. In the end the kids remained in her physical custody and the courts had ordered they all seek counseling. She and her children to date have been the only ones to seek reputable therapy. Which requires that the therapist read the "real" court ordered evaluation. The therapist also read all documents from the entire case, PLUS everything his 'paid for' doctor's( that firelady never met,) fake evaluation. It was found to be dishonest, not objective and unethical. "Pick a disorder and make it fit was the buffet of the day". Wonder what he paid for the unethical diagnosis. If that doesn't scream NPD what does? Her therapist See's no evidence of the accused BPD with her.In fact she laughed at the notion, as she is an expert in this field. Firelady gave her "his rant" at group the other day. It was an interesting discussion and helped us to see how these people manipulate so covertly.
If she doesn't mind me saying so, ( I will ask first before posting this) she was found to have something called PTSD( post tramatic stress disorder) from years of living with his alcoholism, family tragedy, and life changing epilepsy appeared when she was 40. It all happened at the same time, and the therapist was not surprised at her reaction or her behavior at that time.She ended the marriage rather than to go on and live the dysfunctional relationship with him. He vowed to make her life a living hell, and has. If I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't have put up with the attention and focus he has put towards his ex to get even. I would be looking at his ruthless behavior and worry about him turning it on her when she doesn't live up to his expectations. This shows he either has chosen someone without self esteem, and/or manipulates the data. Slanting the data is not honest.
( SIDE NOTE: You must wonder how I know so much. I am in the legal profession. I help people to understand the legal process, and help them recover from their adversity. I went to court with firelady for support, several times and witnessed this information and his antics above "in action". At one point he and his lawyer sat next to me in the hallway,they had no idea who I was, and the conversation was unbelievable.He doesn't care about his kids he just wanted to stick it to her. It was this conversation that made me think he wrote this post).
It prompted me to encourage firelady to be a bigger presence of our support group and join us for a gathering of healing on court days as an extra support. The therapist would see her after court then we would all meet.The kids would too. It has been a turbulent time for her and their kids. Amazingly she rose to the occasion and survived her life. I have grown with her, laughed and cried with her. I have watched her grieve the loss of her old life, the loss of her father and embrace the new.I have watched their kids develop into constructive healthy whole young adults, from the struggles of adversity, the divorce, and custody battle. They are not upset about the divorce, its how he has handled it with spiteful behaviors. She kept them grounded and tried to forge a path for them to see their dad in a good light despite his hateful behavior. I can't say I would have been able to do that as he doesn't care about anyone but himself and how the world sees him. Classic narcissism. I guess he doesn't care how his kids see him either.
I will listen to her advise as it is sound. She is intelligent, healthy and experienced in the school of hard knocks. I admire her courage to face her adversities head on. Its never easy to admit you have made mistakes, disappointed others, made a fool of yourself. She was knocked down and humbly picked herself back up and survived the humiliation, bad choices, and got her focus back of what is really important.
My advise to him is there is nothing louder than the guilty voice you live with when the audience goes home. He ought to be ashamed of himself, but I know he thinks hes justified. He has forgotten a time when he loved her and she brought something wonderful into his life. She stuck by him when his childhood molester continued to manipulate his emotions. (His mother maintained a relationship with his molesters mother)! She tried to hold together a marriage with a guy that was not only self centered, destructive to himself but his family also. She put up with his addictions and behaviors he quickly likes to minimize and forget. I would have given up on him too and given him a taste of his own selfishness. He probably wouldn't have noticed anyway. I thought I was going to throw up at the fake man he created of himself to "look good" in court. I saw so many different personalities in him it was disturbing. What a small childish man to continue his fake Christianity, father of the year routine, and hateful, vengeful, non- forgiveness of others, that is IF its was warranted or not. He should stop playing divide and conquer of their children because it makes him feel puffed up about his false sense of security. They don't want to hear it anymore. They have tried to love him but have grown tired of his insecurities and deceptive destruction of them,through his girlfriend, her kids,and their siblings with their mother. Including withholding their oldest brother from their mother. (He purposely found her adopted son and kept it from her for a year because of his hatred of her. He has also inadvertently tried poisoned her adopted sons mind through others, before she had even had the chance to meet or know him. (How cruel is that to a mother who searched for him for many years?). He only disclosed he found HER son when the kids gave him a 24 hour ultimatum the day their oldest sister slipped up about him being found. The court system calls this "alienation", something he accused her of in court yet he did this with her older children. He even had one of them write a horid letter during the custody case. You could tell it was full of HIS rage and influenced or written by him, Keep in mind his kids are watching his behavior. Little does he know its backfiring on him! HER adopted son talks to her often now and sent mothers day wishes to her!
RN10 , ALL have seen what a hateful person he has made of himself. It was his choice to be this way. Their kids love their mother, he needs to get over it, he will never change that. Shes a wonderful mother and he's mad because, he couldn't grind her face into the ground. They love her and they are happy with her. He could have the same but he is too busy playing games, creating drama, making excuses and blaming others for his lack of interest in being a father. He's more interested in being "right" than being a decent human being. Its only time to claim genetics with them when he wants something from them, to use them for information he could stick it too her with and they know it.He continues to alienate them for his own ego boost in his mission to stick it to them through his girlfriends kids. What a pathetic guy.
He also needs to stop using his girlfriend for his 'own creative online abuse'. It was pretty transparent and childish. You have issues and need help. You need to address why no one wants to be around you except those who enable you. Maybe you set it up that way so you don't have to face your own issues. Your comments were petty and ironic. You said she finally described herself? Describes you completely as others have discussed here. I think you better take another look. While you were playing games, she redefined herself and got the help she needed to survive. Your kids also have grown up and got healthy enough to know they don't want to be like you. They have filled their lives with healthy happy and productive people that treat them with respect. Life went on without you.YOU did that to yourself. People have got your number due to your behavior. I applaud her for bringing up such great kids in the adversity you have inflicted on them.I have seen it first hand. You can't bullshit everyone, your distorted thinking just convinces you are charming enough to do so. You really believe there is nothing wrong with you? You keep telling yourself that.
Healthy people don't buy it.
I admire the integrity of all the people here that have disclosed and shared their deepest feelings.My utmost respect to you. Firelady my hat is off to you for the courage you have shown to face the adversity you have had inflicted on you and the troubles you heaped on yourself. I would be tired of the mediocre people too and act up. I am sorry this was long but I just had to "SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT"!
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 7/31/2009 8:55:18 AM | Lauriesprayer,
What a wonderful letter. Its so nice to know that you are there for her and willing to "set the record straight". My ex's friends all support him seemingly. One of them referred me to a local church after admitting that he hates computers and thinks they are no good. But at the same time says that travler has been his friend for a long time. He did talk to him last year at one given point so travler left his computer at home ( to make it look like he was't searching women out ) little did his friend know, he was still on POF sending out messages that would come to his phone through yahoo. He also sent out unsavory pictures of himself too. But there are many many dating websites and if he still isnt on here ( I don't look), I'm sure he has found somewhere else to go to seek out his next victim. People like this do need exposed since most times they are too manipulative and some even smart about what they do so as not to cause legal problems. I thank you personally for your courage to stand up for the truth and for your friend too. You are a gem ! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/1/2009 12:37:32 PM | Lauriesprayer2 I am so impressed by your letter. Firelady is a great person. He almost BS'd us into thinking he was a saint. I don't think he counted on people being smarter than he gives them credit for. Especially her. I am so glad you were there for her and got to experience her transformation from the dark cloud she came from. He's so good at manipulation he's made a profession out of it. My friend he is now using, dating whatever he calls it this week, is getting the bigger picture though. She is seeing the little redflags here and there. Her kids can't stand him. In my opinion he is satan himself, and doing the devils work to put the mother of his children through all of that. Then to drive his ex-wifes older children from her, what a heartless loser. The Christian man act he's putting on for others is disgusting. I feel sorry for any woman he rides and seduces with his crippled personality that he thinks is so great. Hes so**** and judgmental about others. I hope Karma is a huge **** for him. I don't know how he can look himself in the mirror and expect others to forgive his past,( which I am sure there are some deep dark skeletons there) and yet he's gone out of his way to do this to his children, and their mother. Of course there isn't anything wrong with the boy right? He seems to think so. He just has the gift of verbal deception and seduction down to a science. What a dry drunk. Its sad when they act like an NPD without being drunk or druggied up. Which means he is doing all of this KNOWING what he is doing!
I hope firelady comes back. Tell her to write to me, I will give her an earful about the garbage he has said about her. I pray he doesn't do to my friend what he does to his family. Its very clear FL divorced him for many reasons and these are the only ones we can see on the surface. Guess his game is almost over. Give firelady my best, she is awesome. I will shake her hand if I see her round town. Thank you for the insight and filling in the blanks Laurie, you are a good friend and advocate of hers. I am so glad I got to see both sides of this. NOW it all makes sense to me what he is all about. His parents and sibs, she said are creepy and "too perfect'. They say one thing and do another. Maybe the apple doesn't fall far from his family tree. NPD is not a joke.Remaining dormant and doing nothing for your kids is also a form of abuse. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/1/2009 2:02:43 PM | Thank you Petite and Fem.
Its difficult to watch and yet I see this all of the time in the court cases I observe. In fact they have a mens victims group, churches,ect. that these NPD guys feed off of to get what they want. They join, plead victim, then they get information and suggestions of how to really stick it to their ex spouses. Its sick, however no different then the NPD going to a court ordered therapy and to gain information on how to be craftier, and feed their supply of convincing the specialist,rather than getting the help they so badly need. Its never longterm. I am not saying all mens victims groups aren't credible but it is a breeding ground for these type of people to come forward and be enabled. I like the term 'parroting". They gain information from their date in order to be what they want him to be. The perfect soulmate. Some are so on auto drive they do it without thinking. It is second nature to them to be liars that they can't see the problems within them. They love to deflect this disorder onto their partners, because they can't fathom anything being wrong with themselves. Therapists have gotten wiser to this in the recent times. They have seen an increase in PTSD in women and the symptoms didn't fit the same criteria that you see in drug or alcoholic homes. It had similar features but there was something much more going on. The NPD loves to degrade someone with a less than perfect childhood, pick it apart and make sure you feel bad about yourself so they can justify their own bad childhood. They always compare the two, with theirs always being better than the partners. Thats how RN10 got away with so much. He saw Fireladys low self esteem, tragic childhood, as an open door to say he's better, and he can do what he wants without repercussions. To them lying is different than their partner lying. The punishments don't fit the crime either. They want to crucify their partners but expect a slap on the wrist when they do it. They choose their defense the same way. They shop for a seedy lawyer that will do anything or say anything to win the case. Another thing I have noticed is, there are different types of lying. I notice when women are victimized they have to lie to survive, to escape, or to protect themselves. It doesn't mean they are pathological liars. Its no different than the child that is molested and threatened by the perp," if they tell anyone, something bad will happen to their family'. So the child lies to protect his or her family. It doesn't make the child a liar, they are just a victim of a manipulative circumstance. However, the narcissist will use lying to win at any cost, this is where it becomes pathological. I would like to research this more. I would love to hear your insights on the partners of NPD and what you had to do to survive. You learn to survive them and then they have the nerve to call you a liar..go figure! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/1/2009 3:37:30 PM | I am still divorcing a NPD after 9 years. He keeps drawing it out for his own manipulative benefit. Privilaged, Professional[physician], ***hole: PPA Disorder, I call it.
And...to you gals who think you will be treated differently...not a chance. Best you talk to the X so you can be forewarned- once you walk into their trap, you are lost. Be smart. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/1/2009 4:36:55 PM | | I am the victim of a long relationship with a NPD- He has destroyed everything about me except my will to survive. I am in the process of the struggle, but long enough to begin to put it down on paper. The book will be called, "The Devil Doesn't Knock." The only way to avoid trouble with his type is to stay away from them emotionally. The emotional or financial entanglement is how they hook. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/1/2009 5:08:52 PM | | slj1957 I wrote a poem that might help with healing but am unwilling to post it on open forum, your mail setting don't permit me to email you. If you would like it, email me and I will send it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:04:38 AM | Care to collaborate on that book ? My boss gave me a journal when this happened to me. I was telling her how I can't believe this happened to me. I am a social worker and one would think that I would have recognized this beforehand but I fell right into his tangled web of lies and deceit. And he said it was MY fault. I would like to research for the book and also like to see if I can find the "place" when you cross over the line from your own thinking into the lure of that person.
Given that in time you see red flags not noticed before it seemed that once I noticed the flag, my heart my mind and my emotions were already set in granite. I had indeed become part of his sickness, and his dysfunction. I believe there is a need for a book such as this and when I read your post I thought ... wow and kewl... just what I had in mind. Liked your post.
Vickie | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:28:01 AM | I emailed this to Fem yesterday and asked Fem to cut and paste this yesterday as I couldn't post anymore for the day. To clear up any confusion. Thank you Fem.
Thank you Petite and Fem.
Its difficult to watch and yet I see this all of the time in the court cases I observe. In fact they have a mens victims group, churches,ect. that these NPD guys feed off of to get what they want. They join, plead victim, then they get information and suggestions of how to really stick it to their ex spouses. Its sick, however no different then the NPD going to a court ordered therapy and to gain information on how to be craftier, and feed their supply of convincing the specialist,rather than getting the help they so badly need. Its never longterm. I am not saying all mens victims groups aren't credible but it is a breeding ground for these type of people to come forward and be enabled. I like the term 'parroting". They gain information from their date in order to be what they want him to be. The perfect soulmate. Some are so on auto drive they do it without thinking. It is second nature to them to be liars that they can't see the problems within them. They love to deflect this disorder onto their partners, because they can't fathom anything being wrong with themselves. Therapists have gotten wiser to this in the recent times. They have seen an increase in PTSD in women and the symptoms didn't fit the same criteria that you see in drug or alcoholic homes. It had similar features but there was something much more going on. The NPD loves to degrade someone with a less than perfect childhood, pick it apart and make sure you feel bad about yourself so they can justify their own bad childhood. They always compare the two, with theirs always being better than the partners. Thats how RN10 got away with so much. He saw Fireladys low self esteem, tragic childhood, as an open door to say he's better, and he can do what he wants without repercussions. To them lying is different than their partner lying. The punishments don't fit the crime either. They want to crucify their partners but expect a slap on the wrist when they do it. They choose their defense the same way. They shop for a seedy lawyer that will do anything or say anything to win the case. Another thing I have noticed is, there are different types of lying. I notice when women are victimized they have to lie to survive, to escape, or to protect themselves. It doesn't mean they are pathological liars. Its no different than the child that is molested and threatened by the perp," if they tell anyone, something bad will happen to their family'. So the child lies to protect his or her family. It doesn't make the child a liar, they are just a victim of a manipulative circumstance. However, the narcissist will use lying to win at any cost, this is where it becomes pathological. I would like to research this more. I would love to hear your insights on the partners of NPD and what you had to do to survive. You learn to survive them and then they have the nerve to call you a liar..go figure! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:40:34 AM | http://www.books4selfhelp.com/narcissistic.htm
Petite Fem and Vickie here is a start and another highly recommended book to read is:
Trapped in the mirror and Toxic parents..
http://www.angelfire.com/home/mirandashaw/ch9.html this talks about the enabler to the NPD and how to get out of it. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:26:19 PM | I was married to one and didn't realize it until lately.
Everything was about him -- for my birthday..we did what he wanted.
I wanted roses (like a dozen on special occasion) -- he bought me a bush for the garden... (much more practical???)
we went on vacation where he wanted --- there was no discussing options ahead of time...it was presented as ..this is what we will be doing..
he was better at everything... ie: shopping, taking care of the kids, housecleaning -- he always did "more than his fair share" - yeh, right! (This is to wear you down..til your self esteem is in the garbage)
If I was sick with the flu -- he was sicker...
not a pleasant experience -- run girl run!! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:22:42 PM |
Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
The short answer is YES.
Basically it is all about them and nothing about you. They want their needs met and could care nothing about yours. If you see this trend happening then you might want to abandon ship as quickly as possible or your self-esteem will end up at the bottom of the ocean somewhere near Davey Jones' Locker.  | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:38:43 PM | | We could turn the tables and lock them in davey jones trunk...but we would have to remove the heart..something they live without anyway. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:54:45 PM | Yes, indeed i have and he was an alcoholic as well. Believe me when i say its a truly dangerous situation. I don't wish it on anyone.. Look for the warning signs -
cut and pasted- and yes women are as well-
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") - or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things - even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?
Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?
Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:57:43 PM | Actually, a lot of these things come along later. As forumsgee said, he had such a good side. And because of that "good side" we get sucked in. My favorite, it still makes me laugh, is the original poster's "I was in hell wondering what was wrong with the boy." If we have compassion, and they probably look for compassionate people to fill the unfillable void they have, we hope to reassure them...and get sucked right in.
The more subtle signs:
He knows everything about everything and it seems like he has done a lot.
Everybody says, "I love him to death...but..."
He has no real friends. Also is not close to his family.
He waits on you hand and foot. Constantly telling you not to get up or is really appreciative if you do something normal, like refill his coffee.
He says he wants to manage your affairs to make your burden lighter. (I didn't fall for that one. Probably due to feeling trapped in my marriage before the NPD guy.)
They set you up! Then you learn the other signs.
I was lucky, my eyes were fairly open and I didn't move in with him or get financially entangled. Kudos and commisserations to you girls and guys who did fall into the bottomless pit and climbed or are climbing out. My brush was bad enough. I feel for ya'll.
Remember the old adage, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:34:39 PM | Beach~ I hear yah! The suck in is slow moving but deadly. They make themselves look like the perfect mate to the world, even to the point your girlfriends tell you how lucky you are right in front of him. Which only supplies his ego. After they go home you become invisable. They don't care how your day was. Control control...silence for punishment of something you have to read their mind about. His perception of why haven't you said nice things like your girlfriends say to him???? He expects you to know this...whether or not he would wait on you hand and foot depended on the audience right?
When you met him he WAS too good to be true.....thats what he wanted you to believe. I am glad to see you have made it through...most don't. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:15:39 AM | | It is not easy to go on, after someone takes all your money, emotions, and self esteem, however I very glad and blessed that I am a strong woman. I know who I am and what I am deserving of. I only got the silent treatment, blamed and condemmed when I confronted him on his behavior. If I ignored his infidelities, we were fine, and didnt argue about anything else till the very end, when I think he realized I was getting out this time, for good. I cannot begin to tell all the times when he lied or disappointed me and never having once apologized for anything he ever did to me. First he told me he was on a dating website but never contacted ,, just liked to look and found it amazing there were so many women looking, so I proved that to be a lie, then he said, he talks but is only friends, and he called women honey, sweety, and other terms of endearment to lure them into meeting him. He exchanged phone numbers with many women and always picked on women that had good jobs. He liked people in the medical profession alot. He had viagra ( didnt use that with me ) I counted it, and 3 weeks later came home for Thanksgiving and the 5 pills turned into 2 and bitten off. He said he gave it to his friend. I told him I know he didnt give a bitten off pill to anyone. Again I was met with anger, its your fault. blah blah blah,,,, all the while trying to hide or lie. He did once say " Im just ------ around" No kidding as if I didnt already know that. I arranged for a July 4th weekend and he knew about it for weeks. My bag was packed and I met him at the door when he arrived home. He first said he didnt bring his bathing suit ... I said thats not a problem... then he said I have to work Monday. I looked like a fool to my family. On Christmas morning, I went to spend the morning with my grandchildren and he didnt want to go and said he would stay home and to go ahead. That morning he called some woman from Canada and talked to her on the phone for a half hour then they hung up and a half hour after that he texted her back ( I saw the text) and said "ty u were very good". When he got confronted about this ( I didnt find out til January) again he is enraged and said he was thanking her for being a good friend. Totally acted like I was not capable of putting things together. When his lies werent accepted he got blaming, would say ANYTHING at all to make you feel like nothing and then laught at you seeing you in pain. Give you the silent treatment as punishment for his behavior. There were countless instances of his lies. Used to call women up and be on the phone with them for hours then call me and say he was talking to one of his MALE friends. This happened regularly. In the end when he knew or realized I was at my breaking point... he verabally was so ugly it was unreal. He said anything he could think of to make me feel badly. By this time it wasnt working. I gave him the chance of a good life. I held on because deep inside I thought he wanted more or at least a normal life. I did everything I could and the week before he finally left ... he asked me to borrow 500.00 for him. I was shocked that someone who was just caught on a dating website a week before could even think that I would do that. He literally left me with nothing. But I have good friends and things are going very nicely. Im meeting new people and know how you cannot win with a person like this. Nothing is their fault. Nothing you say will make any difference to them. He called me two-faced and one-sided. This coming from a man who lied to me and all the other women he was emailing and meeting. I frequently told him that he had every right to live his life any way he wanted but did NOT have the right to lie to me and tie up my life while he was on dating websites having his cake and eating it too. It is like talking to a brick wall. It was still my fault yadda yadda. I can only thank God for giving the strength and courage to tell him to leave and move on with my life. There are wonderful men out here. And really? I dont have to have a man to be happy. I have been alone for many years before I met this one and allowed him into my life. I like me and am very good company for myself. Being single isnt a death sentence. If I find someone worth of my affections,,, so be it. But I will never be in a positioin such as this ever again. One lie, one time you dont do what you tell me you are going to do and Im done. Im not bitter but I do believe that people like this need exposed for the person they are. I'm blessed and thankful every day now. for the possibility of a new life free of deceit and ridicule. I admire anyone women AND men who have endured this kind of abuse and punishment. I actually have come to a place in my heart where I prayed for this man. Its so sad to see someone in this kind of condition. The condition he left me in was bad, but I can fix mine...he will never change. And that is very sad. I thank everyone for the kind words and support. Its great. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:32:14 AM | petite4u2, I can relate. Actually, my exhusband had quite a few narcissistic tendancies. His cruelty at the time of divorce was hard to take, though my counselor reminded me he was behaving exactly as I predicted he would. I didn't fight anything, just go out,16 years, it took me 14 to give myself permission to get out. My self esteem took years to build. My children get aggravated at him because his love is conditional. Fortunatly my middle strong willed daughter has confronted him and made him change a little. Only one person at church noticed how he talked down to me, everyone else still thinks he is wonderful, as well as himself. The daughter at age 12 called him the superior being. (I about fell out of the car laughing!)
As far as the NPD guy, what gets me is how they wake up in a new day everyday. They act as if none of the things they have done ever happened! I am just waiting and dreading the time when he will greet me like a long lost love as if none of the things he did ever took place. I am delaying my move to my town for a while because of that idiot. ::sigh:: Fear is not a good companion. Of the two NPD's I have run across, one his dad dimed him out and two, his brother warned me. Ain't gonna be no number three! I run when the red flag before the red flag hits the ground! | |
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