| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 12:51:51 PM | Ok, I got to chime in on this one.
Settling is what makes you wind up with someone you later resent.
Settling is what makes you ignore those red flags that should bring up caution signals.
Settling is what allowed me to get seriously emotionally attached to men who are total control freaks, allowing them to seriously mess with my life and my ability to love.
It is because I now DO know myself, what I want and need, and what is bad for me, that I refuse to 'settle' anymore. And dangit, I'm a smart, funny, independant, reasonably attractive woman, fully capable of giving myself a good life. Why shouldn't I hold out until I find someone who can only enhance that, instead of taking away from it????
As DSL said, I've been in an unhappy marriage, and unhappy relationships, and if being alone is the only alternative to that, then so be it! And don't mistake this for being willing to be considerate of another person, and compromise to benefit both, that is necessary in all relationships, family, friends or lovers. I'm talking about settling for what is not right for me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore!!!!!!!!!
Sherry | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 52 | |
| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 1:05:40 PM | Huh???
How do you know you'll later resent someone?
Or that those "Tsh-Tsk" moments are really Red Flags....or better stated, how do you differentiate between the two?
Or know that someone is a control freak before you're emotionally attached?
There are people who have a chemical attraction/addiction to certain types of people. They are continually hooked by the exact same type of persona. In women there is theory that the chemical releases during their first orgasm with a partner anchors their emotional psyche to that type of person.
I can completely understand saying "I know myself well enough to know that I need to take a long slow path into a new relationship and frequently I will hit the same stumbling blocks".
So, if you call that settling, OK by me. Not sure I agree on the terminology because "settling" sounds like you're assigning it to the other person. What you're describing, my dear Rumple~, is healthy, normal and reasonable.....but I wouldn't call it "settling".....I'd call it "gaining wisdom". | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 1:09:30 PM | 
you rock sherry!
I can compromise the little things.....but I won't settle for someone that drinks too much, smokes too much, doesn't like to be affectionate, that can't kiss, that can't hit that spot every time, that can't go out and have fun and not be an a$$.....
in a discussion last night a guy tried to make me justify why i wouldn't date anyone without a harley. well i like to ride, if i settled would i hear one and think hmmmmm...if a man could totally rock my world and make me forget what a harley was then yeah i could settle without one.....but he has to be able to make me feel he's everything..... | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 1:31:30 PM | Well, Jim, then I guess we need to define exactly what we see as 'settling'. For me, it's seeing things that are on my 'probably not a good thing' list, that I keep trying to weigh against the 'this really rocks' list, deciding what's acceptable, then redrawing that line because so few people really meet all of our wants and needs list. And I think that whole thing about being chemically attracted to things that match the first guy who gave us the big 'O' is a bunch of bunk, because my first one was in a room all by myself, so then I need to find the chemical equivalent of me! (Hmmm, maybe not such a bad idea!)
And I do think there are things which definitely give off red flags pretty quickly, if we are aware and paying attention. Now, I'm not saying it's a smart idea to fall right off the deep end if you aren't getting any of those right away, but there are things that tell me I definitely need to avoid getting any further attached to someone.
I'm not talking about having unrealistic expectations here, like someone has to make alot of money, or look a certain way, or meet certain life style requirements, those aren't part of my criteria, but for me to go out with someone who can't support himself or take care of his own darn house, or to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't cause any physical attraction for me, are absolutely things I won't 'settle' on. I've done it before, and the fall-out is always painful and destructive. So, I'm guess I'm not sure what it is you think we should be 'settling' for? | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 1:34:29 PM | Oh, and btw, DSL, thanks, and you rock too!
And I don't find a motorcycle a big deal, one way or the other, but I can understand if it's a priority to you! I find that a guy has to be able to come of with some good one line original zingers on a regular basis to do it for me!
Sense of humor also goes on my 'not willing to settle without' list! | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 2:32:14 PM | I am going to be in a lot of trouble here with the ladies, but I guess I have to agree on a lot of what Jim is saying on this one. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what everyone is saying, though. Here's my take on it.
I think there's a difference between settling and compromising. To me, the word settling is more suited to ordering one flavor of ice cream only to find they are out of that one. So we settle for another flavor. In my understanding, the use of the word settle is more applicable to inanimate objects like ice cream and is a permanent condition. Once you settle, that's what you get. To settle is to step down a notch.
In using the word compromise, it means to me that if one important thing is not attainable, another important thing can be substituted and it evens out the scale and doesn't step down a notch. This seems more in the area of relationships and people characteristics that are always in a state of flux than something like ice cream.
If a man had most of the things that we like in a person, I bet we could compromise, but it just doesn't seem to be the same thing as settling. Because a person can change and adopt new things. Over time, they may even give up some of the things we have on our "must have" list. Settle is such a permanent condition and the connotation itself speaks of something negative that will never be regained or ever move into the area of compromise.
I'm sure that if any of us women found a man who had most everything we like and we fell in love with that guy, there would be some compromises. Actually, it's not a maybe, there will have to be compromises, because no one is completely perfect.
We do learn the lessons that our previous choices have taught us, and a relationship is not even going to get to second base with people we have learned are bad for us. But it could be that the idea of not settling may keep us from compromise where we might miss something that is very well worth putting in the effort to work through.
OK, go ahead and pinch my head off!!! | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 57 | |
| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 2:47:20 PM | CK~, as usual, you captured the essence very nicely and I like your analogy.
To say "I won't settle" provides too much of the "I'm great and you're not great enough" mentality.
I see using that phrase as being lazy with our language.....or worse, self-serving by assigning nebulous blame against all because you haven't found "the one" yet.
But in truth, I think what most of these young ladies are trying to communicate is that with age comes wisdom......and they want to parlay that wisdom into a forever relationship......and with that I greatly agree.....I just dislike the "S" word. | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 2:57:43 PM | | I won't necessarily disagree Sharon but I must say that I am guilty of stating on more than one occasion that I refuse to settle. I believe that the true definition of the word settle is... "to be satisfied with." Soooo if I say I refuse to settle am I actually saying that I refuse to be satisified with________?? I guess maybe I am. What I mean when I say I refuse to settle, and I'm going to guess that others mean the same, is that I refuse to settle or be satisfied with less than I expect. We all have certain expectations of what an equal contributing partner should bring to the table. I am however willing to compromise. I learned a long time ago that NOBODY is perfect (present comany included) and you have to decide what is tollerable and what is not. I have in the past "settled" for less than I deserved. I believed that it was all I was worthy of and that it was as good as I was capable of obtaining so I settled for it even though I knew it was NOT what I wanted. Knowing myself and loving myself has changed that idea completely so I have gone back to the idea that I will not settle. Again meaning that I will not settle for less than I deserve. | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 3:06:12 PM | Sharon,
Your post and the others got me curious so I did a little research. Here's where I think the problem arises ...
According to the dictionary:
SETTLING -
1. To conclude or resolve; to settle a dispute
2. To decide, arrange, or agree (often fol, by on or upon); to settle on a plan of action.
Verb Phrases:
"settle for" - to be satisfied with; to settle for less
To accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction.
COMPROMISE -
1. A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocol modification of demands.
2. A joint promise to abide by an arbiter's decision.
3. A middle between two extremes.
4. A accomodation in which both sides makes concessions.
5. Settle by mutual concession.
So from this I think the confusion starts when we use the verb phrase "to settle for". It doesn't appear to me that there is much difference between the word "settle" and the word "compromise" when used in the context of this topic. I think this also explains the negative connotation ... as "to settle for less" is obviously a lot different than the act of compromising.
Having said all of that ... I think I agree with most of the people are trying to say here ... I think we all have a list of priorities and things we are not willing to compromise on. In my case this would be things like not settling for anything less than an open, honest relationship based on mutual respect. I also think our list of priorities are most definitely shaped by our past relationships. I think the challenge is going into any relationship with your eyes wide open and not ignoring any "red flags" that might arise simply because you are so focused on not being alone.
Sorry for the length of this post but I guess by now most people know it's my style.
Gary | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/16/2007 4:40:49 PM |
I think the challenge is going into any relationship with your eyes wide open and not ignoring any "red flags" that might arise simply because you are so focused on not being alone.
The last part of that statement (in bold) is exactly what I think "settling" is! All relationships take compromise from both people. To "settle" is to say you are NOT satisfied with the quality of the relationship (or the other person) but you will pursue it anyway.
I've had many people tell me that if I would "lower my standards", I would find someone to be in a relationship with. They think I'm crazy because I won't go out with someone just for the sake of having a "date".... They think I'm crazy because I will only go out with someone that I think I might possibly be interested in developing a relationship with.
What's crazy about that? Why would I enjoy "dating" someone (once or multiple times) that I believe I would never have any interest in having a relationship with? To me... that would be "settling", and I won't do it because I wouldn't enjoy it. | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 5:10:10 AM | Jackie,
You Wrote:
They think I'm crazy because I will only go out with someone that I think I might possibly be interested in developing a relationship with. What's crazy about that? Why would I enjoy "dating" someone (once or multiple times) that I believe I would never have any interest in having a relationship with? To me... that would be "settling", and I won't do it because I wouldn't enjoy it.
My Response:
I think the people who think you are crazy aren't listening to you or trying to understand what you are saying from your perspective. If your priority is to only date people who represent individuals that you could develop a long term relationship with ... I think "not settling" makes all the sense in the world.
On the other hand there are individuals out there (like myself) who were involved in very long term relationships in the past (in my case a 30 yr marriage) and while I am hopeful that I could meet someone special and have that kind of relationship again ... it's simply not my #1 priority today. My current #1 priority is to date socially, make some new friends and enjoy life. I've dated several terrific ladies and enjoyed the time we spent together but wouldn't consider them candidates for a long term relationship for one reason or another. I also did some self examination and decided that by making my #1 priority finding my soulmate caused me to try way too hard. Soooo for me ... I think a change of priorities was appropriate.
Gary | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 7:26:44 AM | Gary, I agree with you. I've been out of a relationship for 3 1/2 years. Originally, I was only interested in casual dating. I'm past that. I've done the "healing" and putting all of that behind me. I know "who" I am, "where" I am, and "what" I want in a relationship (that I didn't want a couple of years ago).
You haven't reached that point yet. When you have, you will adjust your dating habits to match what you are interested in at that time (just as how you date now is according to what you are interested in right now). | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 63 | |
| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:32:52 AM | I'm curious about.....
What's crazy about that? Why would I enjoy "dating" someone (once or multiple times) that I believe I would never have any interest in having a relationship with? To me... that would be "settling", and I won't do it because I wouldn't enjoy it.
How would you know you would never have any interest until you got to know them well enough to make that decision? It's not so much about lowering your standards as it is about lowering your initial expectations until you can see what things may play out. Sheesh, I've had dozens of dates (including 2nd, 3rd and a few 4ths) that were spent in just that.....getting to know them well enough to make a decision whether WE wanted to pursue it or not.
I mean granted, there are some external things such as race, physical appearance, gender, etc., that allow for quick decisions....but I hardly consider that settling.
I guess if you limit all of your "introductions" to online interaction then you can develop your own fantasy-sense of what the person is really like and thereby eliminate a great majority.....but my question still stands.....How would you know you would never have any interest until you got to know them well enough to make that decision?
--me
PS: I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just really trying to understand how you can make those decisions before actually getting to know them. | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:44:03 AM | you just want to be next on the degrump list............ i know what you are up to 
I'm one of those that won't settle...I'll play and have fun with those I won't settle for until the right one comes along! Next time i settle down it will be for the long haul! | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 9:41:10 AM | eazk- Dating someone and getting to know them is what I do when I MIGHT be interested. That isn't necessary when I already know that I'm not interested.
Why is it so difficult for you to believe that some people know what kind of person they are NOT attracted to? Along with physical attraction, there is also personality, sense of humor, intelligence. Sometimes attraction grows as I get to know someone (as a friend, not as a "date"), but I've never changed my mind when I started out NOT being attracted to someone.
I guess if you limit all of your "introductions" to online interaction then you can develop your own fantasy-sense of what the person is really like and thereby eliminate a great majority.....
Where did you ever get the idea that I limit my interaction to online? I'm not a "fantasy" kind of person. I don't consider "meeting" someone the 1st time a "date". And if I don't meet someone reasonably soon after we start talking... not only do I NOT "fantasize" about them, I lose interest in meeting them.
but my question still stands.....How would you know you would never have any interest until you got to know them well enough to make that decision?
How do I know?? I know very quickly in the 1st meeting if I am NOT interested in pursuing it any farther. And I really don't feel obligated to explain that to you.
You don't need to justify to me why you prefer dating multiple women and playing what ever game you play. And I don't need to justify to you why I don't play those same games. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 66 | |
| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:03:26 AM | Ahhhh, a couple of mis-reads of what I said/meant.....I wasn't referring to or attacking you in particular in the online interaction. That was meant in general. Many, many people spend tons of time communicating online and as a result, each person develops their own perception of what the other person is like....their speech, inflections, thoughtful pauses, eye movements, body language, etc.....that is what I meant by fantasty-sense - a sense of someone before actually interacting with them. I agree though, if the initial emails and IM chats don't spur a desire for a phone call, and that doesn't spur a desire to meet soon, I lose interest very quickly as well.
And I now understand you don't consider a first meeting a date. That makes sense in the context of what you're saying. The way I originally read it, it was as if you were deigning a chance to have that initial opportunity to meet. So on that point, I agree....I've had lots of first 'meetings' go nowhere fast....and a few that I wished later had never gotten that far.
As far as the game playing comment.....we all play.....we just typically all play different ones....yourself included...and that's fine. I can respect your approach to meeting people, and just because it's not mine doesn't mean I don't want to understand it. | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 6:11:05 AM | I quess I am meant to be alone.
In some respects I like the age I am. But to some people it's like I have one foot in the grave.
I am so tired of "I am looking for a younger women 62-65" Why the heck does two years make such a difference.
I am young inside , I look younger "I'm told" on the outside.
Like Mud I am getting grumpy but only about this issue. Just venting.
I'll be myself again.... someday.
Looking forward to this summer and travel travel travel .
Alaska, Montana,Washington State and Oregon, Here I come , ready or not.
Anneke | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 7:13:56 AM | | ummmm andance,...you are not alowed to give up! remember if im not alowed to give up neither are you! i tryed to send you a email andance but im to young for ya LOL....i need to talk to you so send me one! | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 4:38:09 PM | hmmm good topic for me to make my first post on. I'll make it short and sweet. Im only 26, but i do believe some people really are destined to be alone (and i include myself in that) Ive kinda lost hope with it all because of the negative experiences i have went through, so while before i was always hope to find "the one," now im just not expecting anything at all. If it would happen to happen, then awesome id be pretty happy. However I do have the mindset that i am meant to be by myself.
On the positive side though, i believe we are meant to be alone for another reason. For instance, i think one of my reasons of it all is so i can devote more time to working/volunteering with children and making improvements in their lives.
I can only hope thats the case though ;) | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 5:42:07 PM | Abanks, Baby. You have only just begun. As Loni reminded me, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP. Relax go with the flow. At my old age I may be allowed to give up regardless of what Loni said. But your life has just begun. Give up the past as experience and someday soon someone will come along that will sweep you off your feet. Mark my word. It will happen. I don't know where Cadiz iz. But get your buns over to Lucky's or Pucker's or any of the POF gatherings in your area, because you will meet the nicest people ever. Go and do it.
Andance
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 6:19:01 PM | I agree with Abanks. I pretty much have the same feelings & I am really very ok with that, but on another note I'm 51, but you abanks are much to young to give up.
It will happen when you least expect it.
Good Luck | |
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| Are some people meant to be alone?
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:36:12 PM | | haha well thanks guys, but its more or less im at the "i dont care anymore" phase. too many bad past experiences made me realize the most important people in my life will always be my family and friends. granted inside, yeah id love to meet someone and for it to work out perfectly. but on the other hand, im fine if it doesnt. | |
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