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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:30:12 PM | The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "Going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept “Coming and coming and coming”...
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
He replies: "Good enough." | |
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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:38:44 PM | A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duhhhh, like hello!…………………………….. You need to roll up the windows first."
Dorothy and Edna two "Senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him??"
Edna:…….. "No, no, no dear!!!!………... I'm just saying…. wear an OLD dress!!!"
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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:44:33 PM | 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies at all?... A swallow
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal. | |
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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:45:24 PM | This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:52:01 PM | In response to complaints that they don't have enough programmes featuring black people, the BBC has agreed to screen 'Crimewatch' 4 nights a week.....
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to Heaven!"
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm." Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."
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Posted: 1/28/2008 3:52:37 PM | A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper." | |
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Posted: 1/30/2008 2:24:42 PM | An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again but with
the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. so he decided
to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood
up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting: "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!!!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he
said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left
your wheelchair there again." | |
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Posted: 1/31/2008 11:31:40 AM | Grass Sandwich .......
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it." | |
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Posted: 2/1/2008 10:12:17 AM | New weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2008 5:08:30 AM | What do men and clouds have in common?
Eventually they f*ck off, and it's a nice day! | |
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Posted: 2/2/2008 2:00:03 PM | A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ’bad dog!’"
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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually
asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that
kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500"
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed rea lizing that he
just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up!"
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s
worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious
and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some
****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a ****." | |
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Posted: 2/2/2008 2:03:47 PM | An elderly man in a nursing home meets a lady at the same nursing home. They enjoy walking together each day, ending the day sitting on a bench in the garden. She unzips his pants while they are sitting, and she holds his weiner in her hand and they just sit and look at the flowers.
This goes on for several weeks. One afternoon, the lady looks outside and sees her gentleman friend sitting with another woman on the bench. She is angry and hurt, and decides to confront him at dinner.
Later at dinner, the jilted woman walks up to the old man and says, "I saw you with another woman out in the garden. What’s she got that I don’t have?" she asked.
"Parkinsons" replied the old man. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2008 2:13:36 PM | | St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel." | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 6:02:21 AM | A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the d i l d o's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
d i l d o's, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo d i l d o."
"So what's up with this Voodoo d i l d o?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary looking d i l d o.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other d i l d o in the shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d i l d o, the door." The Voodoo d i l d o miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said
"Voodoo d i l d o, return to box!"
The Voodoo d i l d o stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to £738.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d i l d o and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo d i l d o, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was starting to feel unbearably horny.She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo d i l d o.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo d i l d o, my crotch!"
The Voodoo d i l d o shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the d i l d o. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo d i l d o thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo d i l d o, my ar$e!" | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 9:17:34 AM | | Jeremy Beadle's family have given ITV permission to show his cremation live in a one off special called......you've been flamed. | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 9:19:18 AM | An airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". | |
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Posted: 2/4/2008 9:20:28 AM | Jeremy Beadle requested that his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden.
an ITV Spokesperson says he could be back in the early autumn with ...........
"Watch Out ......Beadle's a sprout". | |
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Posted: 2/5/2008 6:22:37 AM | Paddy's on who want's to be a millionaire , Chris say's "for £200 ,who was the great train robber" ?
A. Ronnie Corbett
B. Ronnie Barker
C. Ronnie Wood or
D. Ronnie Biggs ?
Paddy say's " I've had a great day Chris so i'll take the cash !
Chris say's ' But you've still got 3 lives left, surely you're not that thick ?
Paddy's says ' I might be thick , but i'm No f*cking Grass ! | |
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dean3d
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Joined: 1/22/2008
Msg: 470 | |
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Posted: 2/5/2008 9:26:22 AM | woo! first post on the forums 
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says
The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE BLOODY PRICE" | |
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Posted: 2/5/2008 1:22:07 PM | 5 people on a plane that’s about to crash and there's only 4 parachutes.
ronaldo grabs a parachute and says I’m the best footballer in the world so the world needs me and jumps out of the plane.
Hillary Clinton grabs a parachute and says I’m going to be the first female president of the USA so the world needs me and jumps out of the plane.
George w bush grabs a parachute and says I’ve still got a few more months of being the president of the USA so the world still needs me and jumps out of the plane.
That leaves the pope and a school kid. The pope says I’m an old man I’ve had a good life son you take the remaining parachute and save your self, the kid says there’s two parachutes left, the most powerful man in the world has jumped out of the plane with my school bag | |
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| Mine is better than yours is.
Posted: 2/5/2008 9:50:43 PM | A little boy and girl are playing a game of "Mine Is Better Than Yours Is."
The boy starts off with how he just got a new tricycle.
"Well, I have a new two-wheeler," replies the girl.
"I just got some really cool marbles," says the boy.
"Well, *I* have a new set of Cat's Eyes," the girl replies.
The boy, unsure of what else to say, pulls down his pants, pulls out his penis, and says, "Well, I've got one of these."
The girl is flabbergasted. She doesn't know what to say, and walks away in confusion while the boy gloats to himself on finally besting her. A few minutes later, though, she comes back. She pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, points to her crotch and says, "I've got one of these, and my mommy says that so long as I've got one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!" | |
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Posted: 2/6/2008 4:12:12 AM | Men are nice and genuine and really know how to show women a good time  | |
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Posted: 2/6/2008 8:53:10 AM | A man is out on the town, he sees a sexy blonde and says to her "I'd love to get in those knickers"
to which the blonde women replies "No thanks, i've one ar$ehole in there already" | |
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Posted: 2/6/2008 9:41:26 AM | A man from Liverpool walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting Salary is £200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh!tting me!"
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." | |
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