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| | Post a JOKEPage 2 of 49 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41) | Joke of the Day!
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 27 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:42:37 PM | A litte girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep wittle wabbith?"
The shopkeeper smiles, gets down on one knee so he's at her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and furry black wabbit?"
She leans forward and replies, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a f–k!" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:44:12 PM | A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister, you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG! | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 29 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:45:15 PM | A fella appears in court requesting a divorce. After reviewing the papers, the judge asks, "Tell me why I should grant this."
"Because," the man replies, "we live in a two-storey house."
"What kind of reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-storey house?"
"Well, Your Honour, "one story is, 'I have a headache' and the other story is, 'It's that time of the month.'" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:45:57 PM | There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After about 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead came ashore and was declared runner-up.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde staggered out of the water, stumbled to the finishing line and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she gasped, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:46:46 PM | A man walking along Bondi Beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 32 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:52:52 PM | Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple o f aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $399.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...
PRICELESS!!! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:38:28 PM | So the following year, Jack wakes up the day after the company Christmas party and again with a killer hangover.
(Apologies, PEACH, but I figured I'd keep with the theme)
He says to his wife "God, I feel awful, and the worst part is I can't remember a thing."
She tells him that he made a real ass of himself the night before. "Apparently", she says, "You told your boss he's a complete a$$hole, so he told you to take a week off without pay to think it over".
Jack replies "Well, my boss is a freakin' jerk. P!ss on him".
"You did" replies his wife, "and he fired you".
"Well, he's still a jerk" says Jack, "Fu@k him!".
"I did" says Jack's wife,"And you go back to work Monday". | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:45:44 PM | This Panda walks into a crowded restaurant and sits at the last unoccupied table.
A few moments later, a gorgeous woman walks in, looks around, and comes over and asks the panda if he minds if she joins him as there is nowhere else to sit.
Being a polite panda, he invites her to sit.
The two of them eat, and during the meal have a great conversation, hitting it off quite well.
Anyway, one thing leads to another, and they end up back at the girl's place in bed doing the dirty.
After they're done, the panda gets up to leave.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" asks the girl.
The panda replies "I don't think so......"
The girl holds out her hand, palm up, and says "I'm a prostitute".
Panda says "What's a prostitute?"
The girl sighs, pulls out a dictionary, opens it to the appropriate page, and hands it to the panda.
He reads out loud "Prostitute; takes money for sex", and starts laughing.
The girl asks what is so funny.
The panda says "It's okay, don't worry about the money, I'm a panda"
The girl asks "What's a panda?"
Our good panda then flips back a few pages, and hands the dictionary back to her.
She reads "Panda; eats shoots and leaves". | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2007 10:19:12 PM | King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, and asked for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:49:45 AM | Joke of the Day!
A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.
The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.
The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 6:19:01 AM | Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
Took her a month to realize she could listen to it in the afternoon. | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 38 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:11:20 AM | Hot and Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 39 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:15:54 AM | THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a Suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I Stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 40 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:19:51 AM | LMOA! too funny!!  no apologies necessary HT, your joke was really very good. That Jack better quit that drinkin while he is ahead or else the wife may end up with the boss for good. | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 41 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:22:30 AM | Successful Sons
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.
The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 42 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:24:58 AM | A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fast away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fast back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex problem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:15:49 PM | I do like this thread of your, PEACH.....
So there's these three rednecks in a bar arguing over which of them has the largest penis.
The more they drink, the more they argue, and the more they argue, the more they drink.
Finally, one of them gets one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" type of ideas.
"The only way to settle this", he says, "is to take 'em out and have a look"
So, the three rednecks pull down their zippers, and whip out their schlongs, and lay them out on the bar.
At that moment, this gay guy comes in. Now we're talking serious flamer, here. Pink boa, false eyelashes, the whole nine yards.
He flounces up to the bar and scopes out the situation laying on the bar in front of him.
"What'll you have?" the bartender asks him.
"Well", our gay friend replies, "I was going to ask for a Bloody Mary,", he looks down at the three exposed pricks and continues, "but I think instead I'll go with the buffet" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:22:05 PM | Light Bulbs Jokes......
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb???
A fish.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb???
Just one, but the bulb must WANT to change.
(This next one will appeal to those with a little knowledge of Japanese legend/history)
How many samurai does it take to change a lightbulb???
Seven. One to put in the new bulb, and six to commit ritual suicide to expunge the shame of the old bulb having blown.
How many Freudian Analyists does it take to change a lightbulb???
Two. One to screw in the bulb, the other to hold my**** er, my mother, uh THE LADDER. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:23:31 PM | In a survey, it was discovered that only 10% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
The same survey found that 90% of men kiss their houses goodbye when they leave their wives. | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 46 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:50:57 AM | One day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 47 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:54:10 AM | Three ranchers were sitting around a campfire one night when one rancher started complaining about his useless cattle dog.
"I'd give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command," he spat. "Watch this."
The rancher commanded his dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result.
The second rancher said, "Give me a go."
He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust.
The third rancher stands up and says, "I'll take that $100."
Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells, "Get out of there, boy!" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 48 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:55:23 AM | What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 49 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:56:51 AM | A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 50 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:10:52 AM | A woman in her 50's visited her doctor. She was really down.
"Doc", she says, "I dont know what to do, my husband is just not interested in sex anymore, he's having a hard time getting an erection."
"If something isn't done soon, I'm afraid my marriage won't make it" she cried. "Can you help us?"
"Of course I can help you out" replies the Doctor, "stop worrying, here, take this powder and sprinkle it on his food, this will fix him right up!"
So, when the woman returns to the doctors office for her next appt he can't help but ask how the powder worked.
"Oh yes, it worked fine" she stammers, her face turning red. "but the results weren't as I expected."
"Well, tell me what happened." the doctor states.
"Well, I got all dressed up, looked my best, sprinkled the food with the powder as you instructed, he ate all his dinner." she mumbled, her eyes downcast. "When we were done eating, he took his arm, swiped off all the items from the table, food, wine, dishes all went crashing to the floor. He picked me up, threw me on the table. and WOW, what a wild half hour that was!" she exclaimed.
"But, I thought that's what you wanted!" the doctor said.
"Hell Yes!" she replied, "But we'll never be allowed back in that restaurant again!" | |
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