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nic01
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Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 476 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/6/2008 2:49:58 PM | I often wondered where the sun went at dusk/evening time......so i stayed up all night and then it dawned on me.
Why did tigger have his head down the toilet? he was looking for pooh! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/7/2008 1:33:46 AM | Actual remarks on hospital patient notes:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/7/2008 3:56:10 AM | These are actual metaphors from GCSE essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/7/2008 10:12:13 AM | A blonde goes into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland.
The man tells her it will be £100. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zip."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with her hand.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mum?" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/7/2008 11:02:19 AM | A boy came home from school and told his mum he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," his mum says, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the husband!"
The mother scowls and says "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/7/2008 4:21:16 PM | A woman goes to the doctors and says "i've got a discharge!
the doctor says "get on the bed and open your legs"
up she gets and spreads em,
he inserts three gloved fingers, wiggles them about a bit then says "hows that feel."
she says "fookin brilliant but the discharge is from my ear!?!?. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/8/2008 10:56:06 AM | My husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said,
My hubby's got to go!
Tried poisoning cakes,
Stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair,
Igniting his hair,
Even though arson's a crime.
But I failed at each plot
'Til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!
I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa
And said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!
I LOVE WAL-MART! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:55:20 PM | | A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. and says "Ok, now what!?!?" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/11/2008 12:56:53 PM | An English farmer is in his field digging up potatoes.
An American looks over the fence and says
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The English farmer replies "But we just grow them for our own mouths!" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/12/2008 3:47:16 PM | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have got out today.' | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/12/2008 4:53:47 PM | in other news, police have tracked down osama bin laden's mother in a lumberjack camp.
they checked out her i.d. and her name is yo mamma bin loggin'.
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/12/2008 6:05:52 PM | Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great.
Henry IV of France..........how true it is!!!
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
~Robert Byrne........ | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/13/2008 12:58:58 AM | i know it's a kid's joke but it always has been my favorite. Heck it might have even been posted but I doubt it and I'm not reading every post
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it  | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/13/2008 6:22:45 AM | This has to be one of the funniest stories I have evr heard... my stomach hurts from laughing and it is difficult to type because I can't see through my tears of laughter. I can just picture it. OMG HYSTERICAL.....!!!!!!!  | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/13/2008 4:35:35 PM | | If you had a donkey and I had a rooster, and your donkey ate the feet off my rooster, then technically you would have 2 feet of my****in your ass. | |
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| Cat Lover or Not, You're gonna laugh!
Posted: 2/13/2008 5:07:35 PM | A friend sent me this one and I felt it was "post worthy" and good for a snicker anyway, maybe even a chuckle or two...
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On on e recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if i t starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember perf orming.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ..and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days lat er I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this? | |
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| Jesus is watching!
Posted: 2/14/2008 7:56:12 PM | A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." | |
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| .......
Posted: 2/15/2008 3:09:35 PM | A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." | |
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| I know this is true...
Posted: 2/15/2008 3:54:16 PM | What's the difference between a 2 year old and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist!! | |
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| Science
Posted: 2/15/2008 7:01:04 PM | Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’
The other says ‘Are you sure?’
The first says, ‘Yes, I’m positive...’ | |
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| Classic News Clips read out on The News Quiz, BBC R4
Posted: 2/15/2008 7:13:43 PM | Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist **stards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. **stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)
There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post) | |
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| Conception issues
Posted: 2/15/2008 7:35:59 PM | The Robinsons were unable to conceive children so decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Robinson kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to......”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Robinson cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of ...” gasped Mrs. Robinson.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Robinson said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh my gosh!!” Mrs. Robinson exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider... Well, the Mother.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Robinson.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“ Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Robinson, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it in.”
Mrs. Robinson leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, I think she’s fainted!” | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 2/16/2008 1:21:00 AM | A young lad starts his first job stacking shelves in a supermarket. On his first day he is approached by a man who asks:
“Excuse me young man, but I want to buy half a cauliflower”
“I’m sorry sir” replies the lad “but we only sell whole cauliflowers”
“Nonsense” replies the man “One cauliflower is far too much, I insist you find a manager. I only want half a cauliflower!”
So off the lad goes to find the nearest manager
“Excuse me” says the lad…”but there’s a stupid tw@t over there that wants to buy half a cauliflower…”
He turns around to point in the general direction, and is horrified to find the man stood right behind him. Thinking quickly he says…
“…and this Gentleman wishes to buy the other half!”
The manager is very impressed by the boy’s quick thinking, eventually they get rid of the man, the manager says…”That was impressive how you dealt with that awkward customer, where are you from young man?…”
“Liverpool” the lad replies.
“Liverpool?…” replies the manager “well you’re a long way from home, don’t you miss the place?”
“Naah” replies the lad “It’s full of whores, p!ss artists, and footballers”
“My wife’s from Liverpool” replies the manager…
“Really” says the lad…..”what position does she play!?!?” | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 2/16/2008 1:24:48 AM | Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is a young petite blonde. She says "if you can tell me where you live without stuttering i'll suck your
P E N I S". The first bloke stammers "BBBirmingham". The second bloke "MMManchester". The third one, stands up, composes himself & says "London", she gets his C O C K out & gives him the best blowjob he's ever had. As he ejaculates he sighs ................................................"ddderry" | |
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