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Posted: 2/16/2008 1:28:03 AM | After having dug to a depth of
10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back
100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone
by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth
of 20 meters, and shortly after,
headlines in the London
newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old
copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than
the Scots."
One week later, "The Western Mail," a southwest Welsh
newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat
bog near Tregaron, Dai Digger Davies, a self taught archaeologist and
eminent worrier of sheep, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Taffy
therefore concluded that 300 years ago Wales had already gone wireless." | |
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Posted: 2/17/2008 4:53:15 PM | heres an amish joke for yall....
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake." | |
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Posted: 2/19/2008 3:09:46 PM | While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fack sake, you bloody wanker, it's 2am in the fu*king morning!!"
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| May the Schwartz be with you!
Posted: 2/19/2008 10:35:54 PM | A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
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Posted: 2/20/2008 9:52:44 PM | TEN PUNS
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:
1 . A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks
at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger. "
2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.
4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says,
"Are you sure?" The first replies ,"Yes, I'm positive."
5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to
close . Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.
9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did. | |
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Posted: 2/21/2008 1:09:48 AM | | Excellent the puns should have their own thread | |
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Posted: 2/21/2008 1:57:21 PM | A man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where he's met by st Peter.
"Have you ever done anything of any great merit in your life" asked st Peter.
"well....I once came across a young woman being hassled by a gang of hells angels".
"I walked up to the biggest, meanest most tattooed, kicked his bike over, punched him in the face and said 'back off greaseball"
Impressed st peter asked,"when did this happen?"
"About 5 minutes ago" replied the man. | |
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Posted: 2/21/2008 3:02:03 PM | A woman goes into B&Q and buys a large mirror...upon leaving the store the assistant asks.."Do you want a screw for that?"
The woman replies "No...but I'll suck your nob for a lawnmower!?!?" | |
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Posted: 2/22/2008 11:11:46 AM | A guy from London goes into a bar and the landlord asks him why are you smiling so much.
The guy says "I've just had my first blow-job."
The landlord congratulates him and gives him a free double whisky.
The landlord then asks what he thought.
the guy says "even a double whisky doesn't get that taste out of your mouth does it!?!?". | |
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Posted: 2/23/2008 12:00:40 AM | A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any i nfidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelityStero and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her .
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf bathroom; I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover...." | |
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Posted: 2/23/2008 6:35:50 AM | A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have his drink waiting at 5.03 pm.
One afternoon as the end of the work day approached the bartender was dismayed to find out he was out of hazelnut extract, thinking quickly he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and placed it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "this is not hazelnut daiquiri!".
"No, i'm sorry" said the bartender "Its hickory daiquiri doc!". | |
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Posted: 2/23/2008 6:42:10 AM | A wife is standing in-front of the mirror naked, she says to her hubby "i look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment'.
the hubby replies "your fookin eyesight is perfect". | |
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Posted: 2/23/2008 9:24:58 AM | | the same wife says to her husband "i had a wet dream about you last night". "Really?" he replied. "Yes, you fell off a cliff & i pi55ed myself laughing". | |
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Posted: 2/23/2008 10:37:00 AM | | A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman "as tha sin me dad?"(Yorkshire penguin obviously)the barman replies....."whats he look like?". | |
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Posted: 2/24/2008 1:43:12 PM | A man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes & a 5 iron wrapped around his neck.
The doctor asks "what happened to you?".
The man replies "well i was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows.
I found one stuck in a cows ar$e and yelled to my wife this looks like yours & i don't remember much after that!?!?". | |
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Posted: 2/28/2008 6:39:42 AM | Skinny little man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE man standing next to him.
The big man sees the little man staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big man kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big man says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little man says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big man says: "I saw your curious look and thought I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!" | |
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Posted: 2/28/2008 6:16:49 PM | | A lesbian couple and a gay couple are on there way to Orlando, which couple will get there first? The lesbians because the guys are still at home packing there sh$!. | |
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Posted: 3/3/2008 12:39:59 AM | | My boyfriend told me to kiss him somewhere dirty, so i took him to Scunthorpe!?!?. | |
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Posted: 3/3/2008 12:42:49 AM | An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are on a building site, The Englishman being the foreman says "If I go home early can I trust you two lads to do a good job". they both said "yes" of course. so the Englishman leaves and the Scotsman says to Paddy "F*ck this, shall we go home?". "No" the Irishman replies "I promised I'd stay and do a good job!?!?". The Scotsman says "well...you can stay if you like but i'm off home".
After half an hour or so...the Irishman gets bored without his workmate so he goes home, on arriving home he hears noises from upstairs so...he sneaks up to the bedroom and sees through the slighty ajar door the foreman giving his wife one. He then sneaks back downstairs, quietly opens the door and leaves.
Next day the Englishman says to the Irishman and Scotsman, "I'm off home early again, I trust that you'll both work hard while i'm away". When he leaves the Scotsman says, "Paddy lets Foook off home, if he's off home early so am i, F*ck him".
Paddy replies "I'm not chancing it again, i nearly got caught yesterday!?!?". | |
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Posted: 3/3/2008 1:56:58 AM | Smart Answer - 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
Smart Answer - 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket & he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
Smart Answer - 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a local shop but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
Smart Answer - 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Answer - 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
Smart Answer of the Year 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart lad at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sing.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'. | |
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Posted: 3/3/2008 11:58:24 AM | | a bear, a wolf, and a rabbit walk into a bar. the bartender says, 'what is this, a joke?' | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 7:26:10 PM | “For my 21st birthday my friends chipped in and bought me a sweater.
I would have preferred a screamer or a moaner." | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 7:31:09 PM | Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "Nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, 'A circumcision."
Second kid says "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 7:36:22 PM | 2 cows in a field one cow says "mmmoooooooo".
The other cow says "I knew you'd say that". | |
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Posted: 3/5/2008 7:47:43 PM | A journalist heard that a very old Jewish man had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day. The journalist decided to go along to the Wall to see for himself. Sure enough, there was the old man he praying so the journalist asked him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. For all the wars and all the hatred to stop. For all our children to grow up safely and as responsible adults and to love their fellow human beings."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall." | |
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