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| On behalf of Solitarygal
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:00:28 AM | This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2007: EKG
1977: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux
1977: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977: Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage
1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM
1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint
1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones
1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system
1977: Disco
2007: Costco
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test
1977: Whatever
2007: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering! machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss , de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!! | |
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| Call to the hospital
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:05:28 PM | A sweet grandmother telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Janice Flynn, Room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Janice is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Janice your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Janice Flynn from Room 302 No one tells me anything." | |
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| How to CLEAN your cat;
Posted: 3/26/2008 4:01:42 PM | How to Clean Your Cat --- The Easy Way
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door
.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean: | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:51:09 AM | A young girl from Liverpool goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the girl.
"10!?!?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY!, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW! and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl "I just use their surnames." | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:07:24 AM | Defination of bravery......
Coming home drunk,
covered in lipstick,
smelling of perfume,
then slapping the wife on the arse and saying 'You're next fatty!' | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:12:13 AM | Guy pulls an older woman at a club.
Shes alright for 57.
They drink, have a kiss and she asks if he's ever had a mother/daughter threesome?
He says NO.
They drink a bit more, then she says tonight is his lucky night.
They go back to hers, she puts on the hall light and shouts upstairs "Mum you still awake?"! | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:48:23 AM | a girl from Liverpool enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The assistant says "Choose from any of our range on the wall."
the girl says "I'll take the red one."
The assistant replies "That's a fire extinguisher!?!?." | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:18:42 AM | Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation,
got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.
The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if
he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Waldorf College
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of
the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.
The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust
graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his
forgiveness, and release him.
The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the North
Dakota State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in!" | |
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| RETIREMENT BONUS
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:25:52 AM | The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands tohis toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam ." | |
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| ANGER MANAGEMENT
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:29:54 AM | Husband to wife : When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife : I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband : How does that help?
Wife : I use your toothbrush .  | |
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| HOW ABOUT THIS TO HELP YOU UNWIND?
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:33:20 AM | A woman has an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal
lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy
is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "R250-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were
in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here".
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"R750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and
boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for R1000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE | |
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| HOW ABOUT THIS TO HELP YOU UNWIND?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:29:54 PM | A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he
managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the
point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the
young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed
about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and
again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and
softly says, "No-oh."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping
the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able
to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
"Yousa finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian." | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 4/28/2008 9:32:25 AM | A blind rabbit and a blind frog are sitting under a tree.
The rabbit says to the frog "I've been blind all my life so I don't know what I am".
The frog replies "Me to".
So the rabbit says "If you rub me up and down, then you can tell me what I am and I will do the same to you".
The frog agrees.
So the frog rubs the rabbit up and down then says " You're all fluffy with big ears and big teeth. You must be a rabbit".
The rabbit says "Great i've always wanted to be a rabbit".
The frog then says "My turn".
So the rabbit rubs the frog up and down and says "You're all slimey with a big gob. You must be a West Ham United fan".
Ok, i'll get my coat. | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 6/11/2008 4:23:52 PM | what did Jesus say to his 12 apossels before he was nailed to the cross.
Don't eat all my chocolate
I'll be back on Monday. | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:51:36 PM | An elderly couple in their 80s were about to get married. She said: "I want to keep my house." He said: "That's fine with me." She said: "And i want to keep my cadillac." He said: " That's fine with me." She said: "And i want to have sex six times a week." He said: "That's fine with me...... put me down for fridays."  | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:50:44 AM | They've found Elizabeth Fritzl's diary....
MONDAY : Stayed in, dad came round and f*cked me.
TUESDAY : Stayed in and got f*cked by dad.
WEDNESDAY : Got f*cked by dad.
THURSDAY : Stayed in and got f*cked by dad.
FRIDAY : Stayed home and got f*cked by dad.
SATURDAY : Went to watch Sheffield Wednesday, wish i'd f*ckin' stayed in! | |
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mpark
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Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 592 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:04:34 PM | I like a girl with a head on her shoulders...
because i don't like necks  | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:17:48 PM | What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut a hooker apart. | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:34:59 PM | blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hail-storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 7/7/2008 1:47:33 PM | A guy walks into a bar with an octopus in his arms. He bets the bartender a hundred
bucks that the octopus can play any instrument in the place. The bartender takes the bet, and points the octopus toward a piano.
The octopus schlerps over, climbs onto the bench, and pokes out "Camptown Ladies!"
with the bass line and all.
Then the bartender pulls out a guitar, and the octopus tunes it up, then plays
"Stairway to Heaven!"
The guy tells the bartender to pay up, but the bartender, who still can't believe his ears, tells him to wait just one more minute. He goes in the back, and comes out with a bagpipe.
He puts the bagpipe down in front of the octopus, who begins inspecting it, lifting one pipe, then another, then another, feeling the felt, caressing the holes.
His owner leans over and says, "C'mon! Ain't ya gonna play it?"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "If I can figure out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna f*ck it!" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:28:16 AM | ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work****ail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition.'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
'Clean my house.'
Women are not stupid.
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:29:16 PM | Victoria Beckham has admitted sleeping with Michael Jackson in L.A.
Jackson has denied it, saying he was in Brooklyn at the time. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/15/2008 3:24:24 AM | A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.
tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious
T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'
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617Joy
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Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 599 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/15/2008 2:06:33 PM | A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; but, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes down with 4?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and all of his friends. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He is more than a little frustrated. He wakes the blonde and asks, "So? What does go up a hill with 3 legs and come down with 4?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. | |
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617Joy
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Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 600 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/15/2008 2:08:07 PM | Kinda Desperate???
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...??" | |
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