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 AUTHOR
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 751
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History
Post a JokePage 31 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties" "That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 752
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History
Post a Joke
Posted: 11/11/2008 10:42:24 PM
WHICH PART GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your
body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!", the teacher said.

Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs".
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night
and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going,"O God, I'm
coming'!!"
"If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
 jo0312
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 753
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History
Post a Joke
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:47:04 AM
what's the difference between a bowling ball & a girl from Barnsley?

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
 Jimmy1954
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 754
Post a JOKE Barbie Dol
Posted: 11/15/2008 12:05:41 PM
There is a new Barbie Doll being introduced. It is Divorced Barbie.
It comes complete with Ken's house, Ken's boat, and Ken's car

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is walking down the beside the river looking for a way to cross. She spots a Blond woman on the other side and after finally getting her attention asks her how she gets to the other side. The Blond looks down at her feet and puzzles this for a moment then looks up with a big smile and says, "you are already on the other side".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is sitting at her seat at the Superbowl. Beside her is an empty seat. One of the fans nearby notices that she seems to be by herself and starts up a conversation with her. The fan finally asks if she knows who the empty seat belongs to. She says yes it is her husbands who has recently died. The fan feels sorry about this and says so. He also says it is too bad she couldn't have found a friend to accompany her. And she says she tried her hardest to get someone to come with her but they all insisted on attending her husbands funeral.
 realblokesouth
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 755
Post a JOKE , twas way past midnight....
Posted: 11/15/2008 5:23:16 PM
It must have been past midnight she thought as he slid silently into bed behind her.
She could feel the warmth of his body as he slowly nestled into her back.
His hand reached over and gently caressed her body through the covers; he seemed to explore her from head to toe.
Then his hand reached under the covers, gently he touched behind her neck and she tingled as his hand drifted softly across her breasts and down to her side.
‘Oh, He’s not normally this gentle she thought’ as he reached on down and round to her waist.
Her body was a sea of goosebumps as his soft caresses carried on down and met her thighs, ‘Oh my god’ she thought as the waves of passion building up in her made her swell.
His featherlike touch reached the back of her legs and suddenly she felt his hot breath just over her hips, ‘Jesus – he never wants to do THAT she thought’,
She arched and lay on her back – reaching down to pull her panties to one side, ‘My god I’m soaking’ she thought to herself and moaning slightly she reached out with her other hand to pull his face deep onto her - ---
Suddenly he was gone, rolling back to his side of the bed,
‘B-B-Brian?’ she trembled…
“Sorry dear, didn’t mean to wake you, I’ve found the remote, footballs on late”
“You go back to sleep my darling”…….
 GreyNomad43
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 756
Post a JOKE.
Posted: 11/15/2008 9:27:16 PM
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? a death.
What is that a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards.
You should die first. Get it out of the way.
Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement.
You do drugs and alcohol, you party. You get ready for
high school. You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby.
You return to the womb. You spend your last nine months
floating.... And you finish off as an ORGASM!!
 intentionally_blank
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 757
Post a JOKE.
Posted: 11/16/2008 1:46:05 PM
A reporter driving through the countryside spots an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. This guy is covered in wrinkles, bald, has no teeth, and covered in liverspots. The reporter figures this guy's led an interesting life, so he pulls over to talk to the old man.

"Sir, can you tell me the secrets of living a long life?"

"Every morning I get up and eat a breakfast of eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, and biscuits in sawmill gravy. I go out and work all damn day, come home, drink a triple bourbon neat, and smoke a cigar. I go out drinkin' on the weekends, smoke two packs a day, and go fishing whenever the weather's good."

"That's amazing! And how old are you, sir?"

"I'm thirty-three."
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 758
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History
Post a JOKE.
Posted: 11/16/2008 8:16:35 PM
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who
was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 759
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History
Post a Joke
Posted: 11/16/2008 8:18:30 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Kentucky . With his dummy on his knee, he's
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women
that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full
potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all
in the name of humor !" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize,when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm
talking to that little **stard on your knee!"
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 760
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History
Post a Joke
Posted: 11/16/2008 8:22:42 PM
> While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
> truck and dies.
>
> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
>
> "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
> is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
> we're not sure what to do with you."
>
> "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
>
> "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
> you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
> spend eternity."
>
> "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
>
> "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
>
> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
> down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
> green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
> it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
>
> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
> his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
> the expense of the people.
>
> They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and &
> champagne.
>
> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
> time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
> before he realizes it, it is time to go.
>
> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
>
> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
> is waiting for him.
> "Now it 's time to visit heaven."
>
> So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
> moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
> time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
> returns.
>
> "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
> your eternity."
>
> The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
> have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
> be better off in hell."
>
> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
> hell.

> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
> covered with waste and garbage.

> He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
> it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
> understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. What happened?"

> The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted."
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 761
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/18/2008 9:16:54 AM
Since we just finished a presidential campaign, I figured
political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing thequalifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple.
The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years ofage. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair wasthe requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinionwas this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting herrant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argumentby stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified tolead this country than one born by c-section?"
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 762
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/18/2008 8:47:38 PM
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

____________ _________ _________ __
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week
____________ _________ _________ __
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_________ _____________________ _
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
____________ _________ _________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny **** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
____________ _________ _________ _
FRIDAY:
I hate that **** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
____________ _________ _________ __
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
____________ _________ _________ __
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
 Miss49er
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 763
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/18/2008 8:50:58 PM
MISSING HUSBAND



Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway.. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.






Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
 ~michaela~~
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 764
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/18/2008 10:22:24 PM
Those both were hilarious!!!!!
 johnthe1
Joined: 11/3/2008
Msg: 765
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/19/2008 1:46:30 AM
What do you call a mexican midget ? c untswaylow

What do you call a man with a little nob ? Justin

 Jimmy1954
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 766
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/19/2008 9:58:51 PM
A naked man and an elephant are facing each other.
The elephant says; "Well isn't that cute, can you pickup peanuts with that thing?"
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 767
view profile
History
Post a Joke
Posted: 11/24/2008 8:44:38 AM
Happy Thanksgiving!

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did? '
 mweiler
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 768
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/24/2008 12:18:44 PM
The church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness, and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
 James_in_SD
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 769
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:37:54 AM
Knock, knock.
~Who's there?~
Boo......
C'mon, you're supposed to say, "Boo, who?"
~Oh, yeah. Then I suppose you're gonna say, "Don't cry."~
Hey, I never thought of that. That's good... Knock, knock.
~Who's there?~
Don't cry.
 ash.i.am
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 770
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/25/2008 11:21:33 PM
A new store that sells husbands has opened in New York City where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!



So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.

On the First
Floor, the sign on the door reads:



FLOOR 1 -- These men have jobs.





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:



FLOOR 2 -- These men have jobs and love kids.





"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.


The third floor sign reads:



FLOOR 3 -- These man have jobs, love kids and are extremely
good looking.





"WOW!" she exclaimed, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes on to
the fourth floor where the sign reads:



FLOOR 4 -- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous and help with the housework.





"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
on to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



FLOOR 5 -- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor where the
sign reads:



FLOOR 6 -- You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor.

There
are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women
are impossible to please.





Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store!
 Jimmy1954
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 771
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/27/2008 5:38:47 PM
Ash I am
I had this in mind and was going to post but you beat me to it. Good job,
There is a wives store you know.

Here it is the same as above except fo men looking for wives.
The only diff to this story is that a woman decides to see what is available, her competition so to speak.
She rings in and goes to:

Floor 1 - Thee women have great Personalities, Love to cook, and are pretty good cooks.
OK she thinks good enough.

Floor 2 Thee women have great Personalities, Love to cook, and are pretty good cooks. Love children and will bring thier man a beer when asked.
Hmmmm she thinks.

Floor 3 Thee women have great Personalities, Love to cook, and are really good cooks. Love children and will bring their man a beer and one for themselves without being asked. Also can balance their checkbooks.

OK she thinks. She hits the elevator button for Floor #4. Nothing happens after repeated attempts. So she trys the stairs. Once in the stairwell she notices that there is only dust and a tiny track down through the middle that is clean. Interesting she thinks as she climbs to the 4th floor. At the door to the 4th floor she sees a sign. "Please Ring Bell". She does. After a short while an average woman comes to the door and lets her in. The average woman asks her what she wants. At this the other woman states that she is courious about the type of woman who is on not only the 4th floor but also the 5th and 6th.
Welll says the 4th floor woman probably the best way to find out is for you to have dinner with us tonight. At that the woman jumped at the chance. She had been looking all day and was not only hungry but quite excited about meeting someone in person.

She in fact finds herself in a normal home of two children doing their homework, a man home from work, and the woman who let her in making dinner. She is greeted well by all and let to herself to explore the home.

The dinner is excellent, the hosts both man and woman are attentive and happy to make this woman feel comfortable. The children are well behaved and it is nearly a perfect evening.

Well after dinner the man excuses himself and tells his wife that he will do the dishes.
The woman who is a guest waits till he is out of the room. She ghushes at her hostess. How did you find someone so great and blah blah blah. I can't wait to see what is available on the 5th and 6th floors.

At that the woman who lives on the 4th floor holds up her hand and says "Honey please Stop". You have to understand. I'm only a 3rd Floor wife. My husband and I noticed years ago that no man has gone beyond the 3rd floor so we made ourselves at home, And the 5th and 6th floors are vacant as well.
 Celyste
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 772
TWO OLD MEN
Posted: 11/28/2008 11:56:26 AM
Ok, I have GOT to read all these when I get time. Looks like there is some funny ones.

My contribution:

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER

MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED. THE SE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS
ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."


TH E MANAGER DOES AS HE'S TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND. "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."


HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE--I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH ?? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON

THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE

FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY

TEETH WITH HER!"

 xvermonter
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 773
TWO OLD MEN
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:14:13 PM
Two Irish men are in an Irish Pub drinking together.
Drunk #1: "Where were ya born?"
Drunk #2: "In Dublin"
Drunk #1: "I was born in Dublin, too! A drink to Dublin!"

Drunk #1: "Tell me, where did ya go ta school?"
Drunk #2: "I went ta school at St. Mary's"
Drunk #2: "I went to St. Mary's too! A drink to St. Mary's!"

Drunk #1: "Tell me, what was yer mother's name?"
Drunk #2: "Me mother's name was Bridget"
Drunk #1: "Me mother's name was Bridget too! A drink to me mother!"

Another customer is watching all this and comments to the bartender, "Man that's unbelievable how much those 2 guys have in common! What a coincidence!"

Bartender: "Oh that's just the O'Malley twins DRUNK AGAIN!"
 xvermonter
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 774
TWO OLD MEN
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:19:42 PM
A man wants to have sex with his wife but she declines, saying "No, not tonight, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning. Maybe tomorrow night". He's very disappointed, goes to the kitchen to make a sandwich, thinks about it for a while. Then comes back and asks his wife, "Hey honey, you don't have a DENTIST appointment tomorrow do you?"
 Simbrian
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 775
Funny
Posted: 11/28/2008 10:52:16 PM
This one's probably already been posted, but it never fails to make me laugh when i'm having a bad day:


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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