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Posted: 4/19/2009 6:12:45 AM | | A wayward goat wandered into a Carl's Jr. restaurant Wed. in Mira Loma, CA...Before being corralled by the Riverside County S.D. the goat approached the counter and requested a "Kids" meal... | |
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Posted: 4/21/2009 10:11:33 PM | Whenever A Woman Lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" She replied her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was upset. "You lied! That is not the truth." The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney." So the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others
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Posted: 4/22/2009 7:18:39 AM | A 49-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in, change her hair colour, and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.' | |
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Posted: 4/23/2009 11:08:14 AM | Bunch of guys looking for a new place to pick up chicks.
One guy says, "My sister goes to Weight Watchers. It's really working for her. She looks great.
Last week she came home and said she can trade excercise for food allowance points.
One of the guys said, "So?
The first guy replies, "We'll go hang out outside the meeting and say, "Hey Baby, let's go out for a drink, and I'll help you work it off after." | |
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Posted: 4/29/2009 3:04:39 PM | The E.U. has decided that we can no longer use the term "GYPPO'S" !
We must now refer to them as
CARAVAN, UTILISING, NOMADIC, TRAVELLERS
or
C.U.N.T.S for short. | |
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Posted: 4/29/2009 5:00:56 PM | whats the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?
Alan Shearer will still be on MOTD next season. | |
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Posted: 4/30/2009 5:06:39 PM | Joe and Bob are sitting on a park bench . Joe says to Bob: I bet I can guess how old you are. Bob says no way, how?
Joe says, pull your pants down. Bob says no way, I'm in a park, I'm not going to do that! Joe says just do it!
Bob pulls his pants down and Joe says now grab your ankles. Bob says what, no way! Just do it says Joe!
Bob bends over and grabs his ankles and Joe says, you're 92! Bob says, how'd you know?!
Joe says:
You told me yesterday. | |
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Posted: 4/30/2009 5:56:13 PM | A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
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Posted: 5/4/2009 11:34:58 AM | New Store
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.' | |
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Posted: 5/4/2009 1:15:17 PM | Do you know why the Snowman was smiling?
The snow blower was coming. | |
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Posted: 5/6/2009 4:15:01 AM | The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong **** out the window.
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Posted: 5/6/2009 5:08:55 AM | *If you shout for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you can produce enough sound energy to warm a cup of coffee.(I don't think it's worth it...)
*If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months you can produce enough gas to creat an atomic bomb.(Now we're talking!)
*A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes!!(In my next life I wanna be a pig!!! But how did they find this out and why did they investigate?)
*When banging your head on a wall,you burn 150 calories per hour. (Don't try this at home...at work maybe? In the mean time I still don't believe the pig-thing!!)
*Humans and dolphins are the only creatures that have sex not only to reproduce but also for pleasure. (So that's why Flipper was always smiling...And pigs experience 30-min orgasms? That doesn't seem fair!)
*The strongest muscle in your body is actually your tongue! (Mmmmmm...)
*Right-handed people live on average 9 years longer than left-handed.(If someone uses both hands he can split the difference??)
*An ant can lift 50 times its weight, pull 30 times its weight and when it gets drunk it always falls over on its right side.(How can an ant get drunk?? It drinks beer?? Did ratepayers actually pay for this research? I want someone to give me a reliable answer!)
*Polar bears are left-handed.(And who cares??! How did they find that out? They asked them to sign somewhere?)
*The cat-fish has over 27,000 taste buds.(Now, just what can be that delicious in the bottom of the lake...who knows!)
*Fleas can jump 350 times their bodies' length. It's the eqivalent to a human jumping over a football field! (30 minutes orgasm...Can you imagine?? And why only pigs?)
*A****oach can live for 9 days after its head is cut off!(That's just scary!)
*The male mantis cannot come while his head is attached to his body. So,the female "helps" him in the "right moment" by chopping off his head!!(At least pigs are having a better time!)
*Elephants cannot jump. (Thank God!!Imagine the results if that was possible!)
*Some lions can mate up to 50 times a day! (But I still wanna be a pig in my next life...I prefer quality to quantity!)
*Butterflies smell with their feet!(wow...very fetishist)
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain! (Yeah..I got some friends with the same problem...)
*Goldfish don't have brains! (I've got some friends with that problem too...)
Well, after these researches I can only declare one thing: LUCKY PIGS!!
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Posted: 5/6/2009 5:50:44 AM | | Maybe the swines aren't flu-ish, they're just spent? | |
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Posted: 5/7/2009 5:34:15 AM | Updated High School Math Exam
NAME:___________________
NICK-NAME:______________ GANG:________________
1. Sandhar has half a kilo of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Ranjit for
$300 and 90 grams to Avtar for $90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Tyrone pimps 3 whores. If the price is $40 a trick, how many tricks per
day must each whore perform to support Tyrone's $500 a day crack habit?
3. Lo Ping wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for $7000 to make 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Tony got 6 years for murder. He also received $350,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife spends $33,100 per month, how much money will be left when gets out?
(Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Tony get for killing the **** that spent his money?)
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Kwok steals Hareem's skateboard. As Kwok skates away at a speed of 35 kph, Hareem loads his brother's piece. If it takes Hareem 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Kwok have traveled when he gets whacked? | |
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Posted: 5/7/2009 2:22:26 PM | the hunch back of notre dams getting married
hes girl friend says to him make sure your humps not in the wedding photos
so quasimodo tells the photographer keep my hump out of the photos any way they get married
all
l the photos are done il phone you in a couple of days when the photos are ready
3 days later the phone goes hello quasi do you want the good news or the bad news
give me the good news he says
the photos are great you cant see your hump in any of the pics you look normal
whats the bad news says quasimodo
I CANT SHUT THE ****ING ALBUM | |
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Posted: 5/7/2009 2:26:45 PM | THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAM GOT MADE REDUNDANT FROM WORK
THEY GAVE HIM
A LUMP SUM
A YEARS BACK PAY
AND A CRATE OF BELLS WHISKY | |
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Posted: 5/7/2009 4:57:11 PM | | lmaO! that is to freakin funny. why you know this.....i wouldnt want to know. hehe. (good one) | |
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Posted: 5/15/2009 4:21:19 AM | | Stephen Hawkins can finally acheive an erection now they`ve disabled his Pop Up Blocker! | |
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Posted: 5/15/2009 4:28:40 AM | What's hit more balls than David Beckham's right boot?
Elton John's chin. | |
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Posted: 5/15/2009 3:51:41 PM | | A young widow goes 2 her doc's for an internal, Dr says "how come your still a virgin when youve been married n widowed 3 times?" Woman says, "1st hubby was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it... 2nd was a psychologist, all he did was talk about it... 3rd was a stamp collector.... God, i miss him!!" | |
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Posted: 5/15/2009 8:20:58 PM | Your mother is so stupid that,
she thinks Roe vs. Wade is two ways to get across the river.
Your mother so stupid that,
she thought a pocket veto was an italian dwarf. | |
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Posted: 5/16/2009 4:35:16 PM | Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. | |
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Posted: 5/19/2009 8:46:58 AM | | I'm selling a broken tennis racket for £50. No strings attatched. | |
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Posted: 5/19/2009 8:47:49 AM | Craig David today announced that he is to quit his singing career and join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.
He's going to be their bow selector. | |
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Posted: 5/19/2009 3:45:02 PM | | A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says" Is this some sort of joke?". | |
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