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Posted: 5/23/2009 4:14:12 PM | Further proof the pen is mightier than the sword:
The whole world is now nervous because of
the pig_pen!
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Posted: 5/24/2009 8:43:31 AM | Here's a Henny Youngman classic:
Bank robber enters a bank, and approaches a teller.
Robber: "This is a F--k-Up."
Teller: "Don't you mean a 'stick-up'?"
Robber: "No, a F--k-Up, I forgot my gun."
(Insert rim shot here) | |
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Posted: 5/25/2009 11:12:20 PM | A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.
'Hey, ****', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, ‘Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls'
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Posted: 5/25/2009 11:28:45 PM | A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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Posted: 5/25/2009 11:50:34 PM | Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.
The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carries all that sand around?”
The guard takes the bags and empties them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.
However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.
A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”
The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.
A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.
The guard approaches Jose and says, “What’s happened to you lately I haven’t seen you”.
Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.
Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”
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Posted: 5/26/2009 1:12:41 AM | What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees | |
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Posted: 5/26/2009 1:39:44 PM | man walks in a bar with a shotgun, everyone looks in silence, he goes towards the barman and says" hand over the money or your geography"
don't you mean history says the barman?
"don't change the subject" says the man | |
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Posted: 5/27/2009 10:30:09 PM | a 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum", he asks, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied. | |
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Posted: 5/28/2009 12:05:55 AM | A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' | |
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Posted: 6/10/2009 3:27:42 PM | Two brooms hanging out together in the broom closet decide to get married.
The bride broom looks absolutely gorgeous in her white wedding dress.
The groom broom is a picture of splendour in his tuxedo.
At the wedding reception, the bride broom leans over and whispers in his ear.
"we're going to have a little broom." The groom broom retorts..........
"Thats impossible, we haven't even Swept together!" | |
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Posted: 6/10/2009 9:16:19 PM | | My mother got to where she was shakin real bad so I finally got her to the doctor and he asked her if she drank alot of coffee n she replied no , I spill most of it ! | |
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Posted: 6/11/2009 3:45:08 AM | A farmer wanting to Improve his daily milk quota purchases a high tech
milking machine. On the day the machine is delivered, his wife goes to
town to do some shopping. So taking advantage of the peace and quite
and armed with a list of instructions, he goes about assembling the
machine. Once he's finished, and admiring his handiwork, he thinks
to himself, it's been a while since he's had sex. Being all alone and a
few hours before he has to do the milking, he becomes aroused and
inserts his member into one of the cups attached to the machine
and switches on the start button. After about 3 or 4 minutes of gentle
stimulation he reaches a mind blowing orgasm. Being fully satisfied
he proceeds to turn the machine off. But to his dismay the machine
continues to stimulate him even after he hits the stop button.
Again after several minutes he again reaches a climax. being close
to exhaustion by this time, he remembers he has his cell phone in
his top pocket.(thank heavens for cell phones) He finds a problem solving
number on the instructions. "Hello Acme Milking machines R us,
this is farmer Smith, I've just purchased a machine from your company,
and have put it through a trial run. But I am unable to stop the machine
even after I've pushed the stop button." A very helpful voice on the
other end answers him. " Don't worry Sir, the machine is programmed to extract
An average amount from each cow, then turn itself off and releases automatically,
the amount being one gallon, have a nice day."
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| Redneck Logic!!!
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:58:17 AM | Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says.. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house..'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry
shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example.. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.' | |
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Posted: 6/12/2009 8:35:53 AM | | I guess I am okay! I read this and laughed until I cried! Thanks for making me smile this morning. Mel | |
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Posted: 6/12/2009 12:12:55 PM | A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten **stard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!! | |
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Posted: 6/12/2009 6:24:50 PM | An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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Posted: 6/12/2009 10:55:01 PM | Harley Riders
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,
And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold. | |
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Posted: 6/14/2009 6:11:00 PM | A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day.
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber, and the warden asks
the cowboy if he has any last requests, to which the cowboy replies,
"ah shore do, wardin. Ahd be mighty greatful ifn yood play Achy Breaky Heart
fur me afore ah hafta go." "Sure enough, cowboy,we can do that," says the warden.
He turns to the biker, "and you biker, whats your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
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Posted: 6/14/2009 7:41:49 PM | >.<
That was almost a facepalm... | |
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Posted: 6/14/2009 9:20:46 PM | AN old email, a thought I'd post this..
Subject: Taser Stun Gun...Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
S#%! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 7:07:28 PM | Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 11:42:00 PM |
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boo-Bees
I like that joke...
Come to think of it, I really like it :) | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 8:12:30 AM | LIGHTING AND A LAWN MOWER
For those of us who do work in the yard occasionally.. Remember the
checklist!
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum**** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:27:16 AM | | Thanks for that story....I laughed so hard that the cats got that scared look in their eyes, lol. | |
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