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| Redneck Logic!!!
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:42:57 PM | A little history lesson for ya..
Did you know that the desk that Obama sat at to sign the stimulus package is the same desk that Clinton sat at to get his package stimulated?  | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 9:28:13 PM | This may offend some but still funny.
Three generations of prostitutes were sitting around one morning and the youngest the Granddaughter say's...
" Im bored I think I'll go down to the corner and blow someone and make myself $50"
to this her mother replies "$50 when I was your age I would have been lucky to get $20". The Grandmother not to be out done said to this " when I was your age I would have been gratefull just to have something warm in my belly".... | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 10:20:12 PM | Pa Wont Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
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Posted: 6/17/2009 8:06:34 AM |
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible
for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your
arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye
LMAO | |
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Posted: 7/1/2009 9:49:07 PM | An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land
is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
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Posted: 7/2/2009 10:40:35 AM | ...so this blonde walks into a bar, sits down at the bar, orders a glass of wine and sits drinking it.
The news is on the television and they are showing the scene of a man, standing on the edge of the roof of a 10 story building.
The Barkeep says: "I bet you $50 he jumps."
Blonde says excitedly and wild eyed: "I'll take that bet!!"
Of course, the guy jumps, she pays up and the bartender takes her money.
Bartender comes back a few minutes later and lays the money on the bar in front of the blonde.
"I can't keep this, honey. I knew he was going to jump. I saw this on the news earlier."
Blonde says, "I saw it too, but I didn't think there was ANY way he would go back up there and jump AGAIN." | |
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Posted: 7/30/2009 1:38:53 PM | Did ya hear that the breweries are payin $5 a piece for rabbits?
They need the hops!!!!
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Posted: 8/3/2009 10:55:47 PM | Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Posted: 8/3/2009 10:57:47 PM | A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself o ff, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' | |
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Posted: 8/3/2009 10:59:43 PM | A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
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Posted: 8/4/2009 1:56:27 AM | | An Eskimo traveling down the road notices that his car is starting to overheat, dispite the cold weather. He pulls into a service station and ask the mechanic to look it over while he goes inside for an Eskimo bar. Upon his return, he ask the mechanic about the problem....the mechanic says " Sir, I believe you just blew a seal"....the Eskimo wipes his lips and replies....nah, that's just ice cream. | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 6:30:04 AM | WHATS white and blue and if fell from a tree could kill you ???
A FRIDGE wearing a denim jacket | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 6:39:14 AM | | Ole and Sven, 2 preachers with rural churches across the road from each other, have posted a sign by the road. The sign reads, 'repent, for the ent is near!' A car load of teenagers comes flying down the road, yelling at the religios zealots. Soon, you hear a crash. Ole looks at Sven and says, 'maybe ve shut have said de bridge is out! | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 9:46:57 AM | | A bear and a rabbit go in the woods together to take a poop. The bear looks over to the rabbit and ask "hey mr. bunny, do rabbits have any problems with poop sticking to their fur"? The rabbit replies " Not at all, we rabbits are very lucky that way". The bear says "glad to hear it".....then picked him up and used him for toilet paper. | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 10:18:23 AM | | A beautiful blonde walks into a bar, climbs up on the stool and orders a whole case of Budweiser. The bartender obeys and ask " Mam, do you plan to drink all of that here"? The blonde replies "Yep....that's the plan". After about two hours, there is a loud thud on the floor from the blonde passing out and falling off her stool. The bar keeper ask the crowd for volunteers to take her home. About a dozen waving hands fly up and the bar keeper says "good boys...get her out of here". The next night the blonde slowly walks in and stands at the bar ordering a case of Miller light. The bar keeper said " Mam, you ordered Budweiser last night...didn't you like it?" The blonde replied " I had an allergic reaction to that crap, I woke up this morning with a sore throat and I can't sit down". | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 10:59:39 AM | | Two sloppy drunks staggering down the street together notice a dog lying down on the curb licking himself. One turns to the other and exclaims " ya know buddy...I wish I could do that"....his friend looks at him and says " you better not...that ain't your dog". | |
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Posted: 8/4/2009 8:27:19 PM | Why do Polish women have dandruff on their feet? Because they dont wear underwear.
That is an oldie but a goodie  | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 8:42:23 AM | Fact1: You can not touch your lower lip with your tounge... Fact2: After reading this, 99/100 idiots would try it..
haha I was one of them, shamefull. | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 3:11:34 PM | | When in high school, I tried out for the football team. The coach gave me a football and said, "do you think you can pass this?" Gee coach, I said, I doen't think I can swallow it. | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 4:20:29 PM | BASIC TRUTHS
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Posted: 8/9/2009 12:56:35 PM | Never Choke In A Restaurant With Hillbillies!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head, "No."
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head, "No."
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!" | |
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Posted: 8/9/2009 3:00:33 PM | Farts Defined:
Art Fart
It’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
Arrogant Fart
When you think your farts don’t stink.
Assault Fart
A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
Tire Fart
You can’t control the blow out.
Beer Fart
These come out of every ‘can’ and smell like warm beer.
Jail Fart
Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
Donkey Fart
Your ass is the only one that can do it.
Ghost Fart
You can’t hear it, you can’t see it and you can’t smell it either.
Home Alone Fart
When you’re home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
Shoe Fart
When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
Tank Fart
When you refer to your farts as ‘gas’.
Old Fart
You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
Brain Fart
You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
Alzheimer Fart
A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
Not-Me Fart
When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper “PIG!”
U.F.O. Fart
When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a “Unidentified Foul Odor”.
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Posted: 8/9/2009 7:21:35 PM | The Great Australian yarn
The newspaper, "The Australian", over a period
of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian Yarn.
This was the winner:
Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from
Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah......and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all,
she stuck by me durin' the Drought...
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Posted: 8/10/2009 6:48:44 PM | A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, ' Why are you back in so early? What ' s wrong? '
' I was stung by a bee ' , she said.
' Where ' , he asked.
' Between the first and second hole ' , she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
' Then your stance is too wide. '
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Posted: 8/10/2009 9:49:49 PM | received this by email...
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin' | |
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