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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/10/2009 9:55:21 PM | Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/10/2009 10:20:13 PM | Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck  | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:41:03 AM | | LOL!! HA HA HA!!! | |
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| Promotion???
Posted: 8/11/2009 5:18:30 PM | A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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| Post a joke!
Posted: 8/12/2009 4:30:11 PM | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to b1tch.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a damn.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
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| Post a joke!
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:27:32 PM | So how do you cook toilet paper??
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You just brown it on one side....
You know it's funny and you are going to tell someone
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| Donald Duck and Daisy Duck
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:45:28 PM | Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love to Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not do it.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"NO!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!!!!" | |
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| Donald Duck and Daisy Duck
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:08:08 PM | A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.
"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big D1ck Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''
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| Post a JOKE!
Posted: 8/13/2009 11:30:58 PM | Q: What do American beer and sex on the beach have in common?
A: They're both f**king close to water! | |
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| Post a JOKE!
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:18:16 PM | What do you get when you cross a chick on PMS with a GPS?
A crazy woman that can find you! | |
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| Post a JOKE!
Posted: 8/18/2009 4:28:16 AM | This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining.
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| Post a JOKE!
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:07:54 AM | ~A woman in labor is screamin profanity at her husband. He says 'hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your a**, but NOOOO, you thought THAT would hurt!'
~If you're having a bad day. remember you could be a conjoined twin stuck to a gay brother, who has a date tonight and you have the a-hole!!
~Husband & wife arrive in heaven. Wife says " Here we are together again." Husband says " Screw that shit! The deal was til death do us part. I'm single!
~What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese haha
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| Post a JOKE!
Posted: 8/18/2009 9:52:29 AM | The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/19/2009 1:31:45 AM | There were few sperms swiming as faster they can... and then one ask to someone else " how much longer we must to swim yet?" and the another sperm says " i dont know" and then other says... "i think we are very far yet... we are just passing the throat... " 
There were some people in an airplane, and then the airplane takes off... then the captain starts to talk... "Hello People, This is your Captain... i hope you enjoy the flight bla bla bla bla"... and then he left the speaker ON... and says to the another pilot... "did you see the new blonde air hostess? She is soooo hot... i just wish to have a cup of coffe and make out with her..." and all the people in the airplane heard it, also the air hostess and she gets very angry... so, she starts to walk to the cabin and then a passenger stops her and tell her "he says that he will take a cup of coffe FIRST... dont be such a desperate... WAIT YOUR TURN!!"... | |
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| Not to be outdone
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:54:25 PM | A team of British archeologists conducted an important excavation at an ancient site to confirm that the remains of a village from the year 1000 AD was located
in Southwestern Devon. The team dug down 25 feet and found numerous artifacts dated from the year 1000 AD but the most curious artifact was the remains of a piece of plastic-covered copper wire coiled like a telephone cord. After careful testing of the cord in the lab, they concluded that the ancient Britons were using telephones as early as 1000 AD. They published their data in the Journal of Science and this news soon went around the globe.
Not to be outdone, a team of French archeologists conducted an important excavation at an ancient site to confirm that the remains of a village from the year 1 AD was located just outside Toulin in Southern France. The French team dug down 50 feet and found bits of pottery and pieces of glass wine bottles but the most curious artifact was a section of covered cable made from what appeared to be flexible fiber optic line. After many lab-tests, they concluded that the ancient inhabitants of France were using high-speed internet communications with images as early as 1 AD. They published their data in the Journal of Science and this news soon astonished the world.
Meanwhile, in Israel, a team of Israeli archeologists conducted an important excavation at an ancient site to confirm that the remains of a village from the year 2000 BC was located along the coast just beyond the city of Haifa. The Israeli team dug down to a depth of 100 feet and found crude earthenware jugs filled with ancient grains, bits of woven flax fabric and buttons made of seashell but no evidence of early communications systems that were obvious. Just a little farther North, however, they had earlier unearthed a tall, thin stone cylindrical column at the crest of Mount Carmel. The next issue of the Journal of Science published their observations. They concluded that the ancient Israelites of 2000 BC were so advanced, they were using wireless mobile phones. | |
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| Not to be outdone
Posted: 8/21/2009 3:06:11 PM | ~What does a gynocologist and a pizza boy both have in common?
They can smell it all day long, they just can't eat it.
~Definition of the word Fukked~
A man has a truck payment, a house payment, a girlfriend and a wife... and they are all a month late!
~What do you call 5 lesbians in a closet?
A licker cabinet!
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/21/2009 8:19:03 PM | | I'm paraphrasing from George Carlin: What do you think of****suckers? You imagine a bad person, right? If you think about it, a****sucker isn't a bad man. It's a good woman! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/22/2009 9:32:44 PM | An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup, and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said.
The doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"Your husband's in fine physical shape," the doctor said, "but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So HE'S the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/26/2009 8:03:58 PM | A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they
do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that
you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and
got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT
off?"
"That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?"
"That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half."
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/4/2009 12:25:51 AM | A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
“Care to go upstairs and have a shag?” the husband asked.
“Shhh!” said the bride, “All the neighbours will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking “Have you left the washing machine door open” instead?”
So the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?”
“No, I definitely shut it”, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said,
” I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”
” No thanks” said the husband, “It was only a small load and I’ve done it by hand!”. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/4/2009 5:20:05 PM | Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??
Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
“Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.”
Then turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn’t read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed! | |
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| Grandma's Boyfriend
Posted: 9/4/2009 7:09:17 PM | Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs
make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with
my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the
TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin'
her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
You have to watch what you tell your grandchildren!!!! | |
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| Grandma's Boyfriend
Posted: 9/5/2009 1:22:09 PM | A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her
bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband looks in the bedroom, and watches her for a while, then asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care what you think - I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband: "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
She replies, "Your name never came up." | |
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| Grandma's Boyfriend
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:18:34 AM | Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two reft!'
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| Post a joke
Posted: 9/9/2009 4:27:54 AM | | ^^^^^^ just changin the subject heading!! | |
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