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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/12/2009 10:17:11 AM | | I don't mean to offend any one. here it goes. Why did hitler kill himself? He got his gas bill. | |
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Posted: 9/13/2009 3:46:14 PM | As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this
Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position
themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they
think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof
of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in
this anti-terrorist activity. God bless Australia!
By the way, if you see anything suspicious, the terrorist hotline in Australia is 1800 - 123400
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:53:31 PM | CHUCK NORRIS JOKES!
When Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
When the boogyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
And LAST but NOT LEAST......
Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Chuck Norris.
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:10:15 AM | An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."
"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/16/2009 12:58:24 PM | Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds ?" | |
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Posted: 9/16/2009 5:55:41 PM | WALLY’S WEDDING NIGHT
At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages. | |
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Posted: 9/16/2009 6:52:27 PM | | Urrr killing me! | |
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Posted: 9/16/2009 9:02:16 PM | A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey kid. What are you doing?"
The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Kid, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thank you sir .", says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Kid", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" | |
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| Boob job
Posted: 9/17/2009 12:01:11 PM | A wife told her husband she wanted her boobs enlarged.
He said why? They're beautiful and just the perfect size; not too big, not too small.
And besides, it probably costs a fortune today. She said: $3,000 each.
He said: OH HELL NO! We can't afford that! So he said to his wife, I have an idea.
Go into the bathroom, unroll some toilet paper and wrap it around your hand. Now run it up and down between her boobs a few times a day and they'll get bigger for sure!
She said: how will running toilet paper up & down between them make them bigger??
He said: I don't know, but it worked on your ASS!  | |
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| Boob job
Posted: 9/19/2009 2:28:18 PM | A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How
many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, $101,237.65.'
The boss says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing' | |
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| Post a joke
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:00:27 PM | "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:12:03 PM | ya chuck norris jokes.
Chuck norris masturbates only to pictures of chuck norris,
The drummer from def leppard has one arm because chuck norris need a back scratcher.
JFK wasn't assassinated by a bullet yet by a sonic boom caused by a chuck norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck norri wasnt birthed by conventional birthing . He punched his way out of the womb and shortly after he grew a beard.
They started selling Chuck Norris's urine as an energy drink. Its called Red bull. | |
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Posted: 9/24/2009 10:14:43 PM | A Husband while eating at the dinner table decides to inform his wife of him getting a tattoo of a 100$ bill on his penis.
"Why would you do that?" She asked.
"Well. I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and if you ever feel the need to blow a hundred bucks you don't need to go to the mall." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:44:22 PM |
A priest and a rabbi are wondering through the park one evening having a discussion. Upon sitting down on a bench a young boy walks by. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, " wow... That boy that walked by is just gorgeous. You wanna screw him?" The rabbi answers, "outta what?"
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Posted: 10/11/2009 3:08:47 PM | Wife: 'Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'
Husband: 'it's no good trying to bribe me, dear.'
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:09:21 PM | | haha, i know and use that one, its my favorites :) | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 10:53:02 PM | Here is a joke for the kids.
Why is a teddy bear always full?
B'cause its stuffed | |
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Posted: 10/14/2009 1:34:07 AM | ^^^^Yep...You find plenty of first graders here on the dating sites. I'm ready for a bedtime story. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/15/2009 1:54:16 PM | | The football coach came up to me , gave me the football and said, "Hey Ted, can you PASS this?" I said, gee coach, I don't even think I can swallow it! | |
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Posted: 10/15/2009 5:26:34 PM | Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"
Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."
Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:13:52 AM | Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:49:28 AM | A man goes to the doctors and says
Doctor you got to help me I keep thinking I'm a moth
The doctor replies
well I cant reaaly help you with, I treat physical conditions. You should really go and see the Psycologist down the hallway.
To which the man replies
Funny you should say that, I was on my way to see the Psyhcologist when i noticed your light was on! | |
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| Blonde Vase
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:44:19 PM | A brunette and a blonde were walking to where the brunette had parked her car that morning before work when they walked by a floral shop. The brunette glanced into the shop, then hustled to the other side of the store window and walked on. The blonde asked what happened?
The brunette said, "I saw my boyfriend in there, buying flowers for me. I really don't feel like spending the weekend with my legs in the air just because he bought me the 'extra large' boquet of flowers."
The blonde thought about this for a couple of minutes while they walked. Eventually she said, "Why don't you just buy a vase?" | |
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Posted: 10/17/2009 12:49:52 AM | What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market???
Hello Ladies!!
What does a three ring circus and a whorehouse have in common???
One is a cunning display of stunts....the other is a stunning display of cvnts!!!
It was her first day of sunday school, and dear little Sally, who was just 7 yrs. old, had a question for the teacher, who happened to be a nun, Sister Mary Ellen.
"Yes Sally?" asked sister Mary Ellen. "What is it?"
"Sister Mary Ellen?" aksed Sally..."When we die, and go up to heaven to see God......
will we go up head first? or feet first?"
Sister Mary Ellen thought to herself....Well bless her heart, that's an innocent enough question! Then said "Why, we go head first, of course, Sally, but why do you ask?".
Sally replied"That's what I thought too, but last night, I got up to go potty in the middle of the night, and on the way, I looked in momma and daddy's room......and when I opened the door mommy was screaming, over and over, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"... and she had her legs up in the air, like she was going up feet first... but my daddy was on top of her, holding her down..... and she was thrashin around, trying to push him off, but he held her down any way..... then he grunted real loud, and layed real still, until she put her legs down, and pushed him off of her. Then she started crying real softly," Oh God.... why didn't you wait for me.... I was almost there!" | |
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Posted: 10/17/2009 9:10:55 PM | A cop was driving down a rural road when he found an old pickup truck that had run off the road and into a ditch. Upon approaching the truck, the cop realized that the truck's occupants - a large bull, a working dog and an old farmer - had had a very bad run of it.
The bull, whose cries pierced the countryside air, was impaled on two bars that had snapped off the side of the truck bed. The cop took out his pistol and put the beast out of its misery.
The dog, lying in the passenger seat, appeared to have a broken back. His pitiful cries laid any doubts as to his condition to rest. The cop also put a bullet in his head.
Approaching the farmer, the cop could see the man breathing heavily and wincing in pain. "Are you okay?" he asked the old man. Eyeing the smoke emanating from the barrel of the officer's pistol, the old man forced a smile and answered, "Never felt better, officer." | |
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