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| | Post a JOKEPage 4 of 49 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41) | A biker is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every biker you meet?"
"No ,"she replies....... "You just happened to catch my eye." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:02:26 PM | • A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught ridin drunk .
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called the station. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and a senior police officer approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Senior officer: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Senior officer: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Senior officer: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Senior officer: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Senior officer: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too. | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 78 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:20:11 PM | A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 79 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:42:12 PM | It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuk him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2007 5:36:47 AM | NEWS AT TEN
Today, British Prime Minister Tony Blair acted boldly and descisively by doing exactly what American President George Bush told him to do. In a joint statement issued by the White House, it was said that our two great countries are now closer then ever, the only remaining significant diplomatic problem being where to fit an extra star onto the flag... | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2007 10:13:53 AM | Silly but cute
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water??
A: It may take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid last night!"
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Najade
| | Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 82 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2007 2:56:09 PM | Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf"
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf"
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a large rock.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr.Wolf"
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to a sh*t" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 83 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2007 8:33:00 PM | Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.
He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'
Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.
The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."
The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"
The gay man reesponded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!" | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 84 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2007 8:34:44 PM | TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/16/2007 8:11:46 AM | | Charla that hurts !Have a good one! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/16/2007 8:21:16 AM | HI PEACH I loved that joke !I only hope the folks on my route are that generous! | |
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| Here is two jokes...I have 100's..........
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:20:51 PM | On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts up between them.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he heard the boy's voices from inside the cemetery. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." Then he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quickly," said the boy, "Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The old man hobbled to the cemetery. The old man whispered, "Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything. They heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane,
but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throws herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...............
. . . Earl, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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reggy
| | Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 88 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/17/2007 5:58:03 AM | what do ya call a smart blonde ? golden retreiver
what the difference between a married and unmarried man ?about 10 minutes
whats the difference between a married and unmarried woman ? about 40kg
I was asked to run in a marathon told them to p#ssoff they said cmon its for the blind and mentally retarded I thought sh%t i could win this . | |
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| Post No. 77
Posted: 3/17/2007 6:56:24 AM | | hey that was the best joke in the forum Newbie. cheers dude. wish this happened 4 real mate. them coppers give us lots of crap for sure lol. | |
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| my prayer
Posted: 3/17/2007 8:03:43 AM | Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep, One who’s handsome, smart and strong, one who’s willy’s thick and long, one who’ll make love till my body’s twitching, in the hall the loo, garden and kitchen, I pray that this man will love me till the end and never attempt to shag my friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed I look at the wanker you sent me instead. ‘Thanks’ I guess you are not hearing my prayers. | |
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| Happy St Pats
Posted: 3/17/2007 1:36:00 PM | God made men first.......
(Then She sobered up) | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 92 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/17/2007 3:41:37 PM | A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 93 | |
| Happy St Pats
Posted: 3/17/2007 3:43:08 PM | A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that
he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." | |
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peach_
| | Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 94 | |
| Happy St Pats
Posted: 3/17/2007 3:44:00 PM | Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." | |
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| Post a Joke
Posted: 3/17/2007 8:50:58 PM | What is the difference between pink and purple?
The grip. | |
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| Better Grades !!
Posted: 3/17/2007 8:53:46 PM | | Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on her shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades - somebody is going to get a spanking!" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:15:27 PM |   
Ok I think I've stop laughing /crying now!
Should this not be under science! LOL! | |
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| Stay connected
Posted: 3/17/2007 9:22:23 PM | All those icon's r 4 u - I am new at this , forgot to put subject matter as Stay connected
LOL! | |
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| post a joke
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:59:42 PM | A very pompous minister, a strict tee total, was seated next to a biker on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The biker asked for a beer, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The biker then handed his beer back to the flight attendant and said, “I didn't know there was a choice.” | |
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| A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
Posted: 3/18/2007 6:32:46 PM | A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You **stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started. | |
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