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Posted: 10/19/2009 7:23:46 AM | : Just Fred
A Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The
officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along
with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was
born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease
me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so
I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all
the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got
bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well,
the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred
Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my
MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. | |
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Posted: 10/20/2009 2:06:39 AM | Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
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Posted: 11/13/2009 11:21:00 PM | ------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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Posted: 11/14/2009 4:00:57 PM | An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. '
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Posted: 11/15/2009 8:45:07 PM | I wet my pants!
Very funny | |
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Posted: 11/15/2009 8:50:02 PM | Guiseppie was at the top of the local town with his young apprentice.
And he says to the young man.
"You see these roads, I build these roads with my bear hands!.
But do they call me Guiseppie the road builder?, No they not call me guiseppie the road builder."
Then he Says
"You see these fences, I build all these fences with my bear hands, But do they call me Guispeppie the fence builder?, No they not call me Guiseppie the fence builder.
Then he goes on.
"You see these houses, I build all these houses with my bear hands, But do they call Guiseppie the house builder, No they not cll me Guiseppie the house builder.
Then he Says.
"But I *uck one PIG! | |
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Posted: 11/16/2009 12:50:50 PM | Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
That's easy.... Seven-Up!
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Posted: 11/17/2009 11:28:14 AM | The Sunday Paper
�
For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors -
And for all of you who will be seniors.
...... It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
And, speaking of senior moments:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" the irate customer calling the news agent's store loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well f**k me dead ... that's why no one was at church today".
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Posted: 11/17/2009 7:30:13 PM | An Engishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub,
The barman says "What is this ?, some sort of joke ?". | |
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Posted: 11/19/2009 1:48:59 PM | A married couple are having marital problems. they go to a counselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marriage counselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fkuc up.
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