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 greynomad43
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 1001
Post a JOKEPage 41 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
46 Things Women CAN'T Do

1/ Know anything about a car except its colour
2/ Understand a film plot
3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4/ Lift
5/ Throw
6/ Run
7/ Park
8/ Read a map
9/ Rob a bank
10/ Sit still
11/ Tell a joke
12/ Play pool
13/ Pay for dinner
14/ Eat a kebab while walking
15/ Argue without shouting
16/ Get told off without crying
17/ Understand fruit machines 18/ Walk past a shoe shop
19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich
20/ Not comment on strangers clothes
21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper
22/ Let you sleep with a hang over
23/ Drink a pint gracefully
24/ Get a round in
25/ Throw a punch
26/ Do magic
27/ Like your friends
28/ Eat a really hot curry
29/ Get to the point
30/ Buy plain envelopes
31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold "
33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends
34/ Avoid credit card debt
35/ Dive into a pool
36/ Assemble furniture
37/ Set a video recorder
38/ Not try to change you
39/ Watch a war film
40/ Understand why flirting results in violence
41/ Spend a day by themselves
42/ Go to the toilet by themselves
43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket
44/ Choose a video quickly
45/ break wind
46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 5 of the above

 silent guardian
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 1002
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:39:40 PM
grey nomad #15 is so true that marks a big difference in between the genders sometimes it makes you feel that they all of a sudden they hate you. on how they yell when they argue there opinion, hence I don't yell I just try to point out all the reason of why I may be right and look at both sides of the story, anyway enough of that rant.
 silent guardian
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 1003
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:40:57 PM
a clean joke for the simple minded and kids.

what do you get from a snowman and a vampire?








a frostbite
 fuzzysquirrel
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 1004
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/15/2009 7:16:05 PM
DONT MESS WITH THE OLDIES :-)

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.


 easyguy71
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 1005
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/15/2009 11:07:12 PM
Why do mice have such small balls?






Not many of them know how to dance.
 greynomad43
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 1006
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/17/2009 2:40:15 PM
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

 fuzzysquirrel
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 1007
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/17/2009 3:41:46 PM
A guy wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson. He goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like rain. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to screw his girlfriend's mom over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out. At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the f u c k ing pots!"

 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 1008
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/18/2009 9:41:34 AM
From the Files of my Inbox:

How many days of Christmas are there? there are 12 days that follow Christmas -- and those days can be annoying if you got the gifts that they sing about in the Twelve Days of Christmas. So read on to see what one individual did as a result of those gifts. And have a great holiday season.

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the dancing ladies -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

 fuzzysquirrel
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 1009
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/18/2009 3:04:42 PM
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 notjustatokenman
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 1010
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 1:35:36 AM
^___ Good one!

Someone should change the name of this thread to "Post all your jokes." lol


Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
 boo1234567
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 1011
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:09:01 AM
ME AND MY XBOX360
i was thinking of marrying my xbox , but there's one thing wrong with that it can't say i do
or cook , so i would be ****ed for that idea

and my sister said to me how would i get it the reception when its pluged into the ****in wall
well i turned round and said i take the ****in wall with me...
but i am shore that it would light up my day ,
 boo1234567
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 1012
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:13:25 AM
THE SHOP...
my mate took me shopping and i got really scared when i looked at the map
and my mate said why are you sacred daniel , and i said its saying i'm here how **** does it
know i'm here when i could of been over ****in there.
 boo1234567
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 1013
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:14:53 AM
THE ZOO...
i went to zoo and i saw monkey's there , when i mean a zoo, it was just not
any old zoo this one was different unlucky it was my home ...
 boo1234567
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 1014
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 3:16:36 AM
WOMEN AND BUGGIES...
what is it with women and buggies
they always think it can hold , alot of ****in shoppin but there's one thing,
the kid ends up on he's ass think what the hell happen there...
 MountainGirl_224
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 1015
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Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:36:52 PM
Why did the leper fail her drivers test? ....she left her foot on the clutch.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?....you can keep the tip.
 notjustatokenman
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 1016
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Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:47:19 PM
Why was the leper hockey game delayed?
There was a face-off in the corner.
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 1017
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Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:48:44 PM

I joined a new health club/gym, recently. I headed toward the exercise bicycles and turned to ask the girl at the desk if they had any complimentary magazines. She said she didn't know as she pointed to the to huge rack full of magazines.

"Complimentary" magazines. Get it? You know, like Time, Self, Wall Street Journal, Maxim...



 readyfornow
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 1018
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Posted: 2/19/2010 10:02:41 AM
A man bought his wife a dozen roses. When he gave them to her she said; "I guess I'll have to spread my legs tonight". He replied; "haven't you ever heard of a vase?"
 12 Volt Man
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 1019
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/19/2010 11:26:30 AM
"A man bought his wife a dozen roses. When he gave them to her she said; "I guess I'll have to spread my legs tonight". He replied; "haven't you ever heard of a vase?""

LOL
 notjustatokenman
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 1020
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Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/19/2010 8:07:37 PM
MacDougal went walking after supper, as was his routine, looking forward to a nice glass of scotch with his wife before retiring for the night. At the end of his fields he happened upon a genie. Being Scottish (they are known for their frugality,) the genie offered only one wish. MacDougal was elated with his good fortune, and quickly stated his desire. "I wish to forever piss the best scotch in the world." "Granted!" said the genie, as he disappeared.
MacDougal ran all the way home, excited to tell his wife.
When he arrived, he greeted her as usual, not to spoil the surprise, and she went to fetch two glasses, as was her routine.
"You'll only need to bring back one glass." he said. "Won't you be having any?" she asked. "Aye, but you'll be drinkin' from the bottle!"

Slainge!
 Thespian52
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 1021
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:03:42 PM
Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they're bitter......
 itsmeaaron
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 1022
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/8/2010 9:05:09 AM
where do they put pictures of missing transvestites?
on cartons of half and half.

what did the cannibal get when he was late for supper?
the cold shoulder

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
he wiped his ass
 jo0312
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 1023
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Post a Joke
Posted: 3/10/2010 2:45:53 PM
3 words you don't wanna hear while making love...


honey i'm home.
 Horizontal Cazanova
Joined: 3/9/2010
Msg: 1024
Post a Joke
Posted: 3/14/2010 6:05:10 PM
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop. All I asked was, "How are you getting on?"
 jo0312
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 1025
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Post a Joke
Posted: 3/20/2010 11:41:19 AM
They've discovered a new use for sheep in Wales...


Wool
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