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| | Post a JOKEPage 43 of 49 (9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49) | | We just started a new women's magazine called "Period". Some months we send it out late just to freak out the subscribers. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/13/2010 7:42:55 PM | Donald McDonld went to study at an English University and moved into a residence hall.
after a month, his mother visited. "How do you get along with the other students ?" she asked..
" They are terrible noisy," He sighed. "The one on that side bangs his head against the wall. the one on the other side just screams all night ."
" How do you put up with it ?"
" I just ignore them and sit here quietly. playing my bagpipes." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/13/2010 7:44:04 PM | A Canadian lumber camp advertised for a lumberjack. The next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with an axe and knocked on the head lumberjacks door. He took one look at the skinny man and told him to leave.
" just give me a chance to show you what I can do." the skinny man said. "Ok, see that giant redwood over there ?" the lumberjack said. " Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjacks door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man said. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes. " Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
" In the Sahara forest," the man replied. "you mean the Sahara desert," the lumberjack corrected him." Oh sure, that's what they call it now." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/14/2010 1:32:10 AM | Upgrade to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog … leaving very little system resources for other applications. He’s only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or documentation, though some users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that … Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activities. He is finding that some other applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected … even though they always worked fine before. At installation … Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A “Don’t Remind Me Again” button.
- Minimize Button.
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode would allow the system’s hardware probe feature to have greater use.
I, myself, decided to avoid all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently, you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long-standing bug, which I should have been aware of. Apparently, the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over the shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well … leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another irritating problem … all versions of GirlFriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
BUG WARNING!!
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 … Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install … claiming insufficient system resources.
BUG WORKAROUNDS:
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer utilities such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may infect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again … beware of viruses that can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Another rarely used workaround for the above bug would be to install PreNuptial 3.2 prior to installing Wife 1.0. PreNuptial 3.2 sets the attributes of all MSMoney and system critical files to “Hidden” and “Read-only” … protecting valuable system resources necessary for the satisfactory installation of Mistress 1.1. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 7/21/2010 9:48:08 AM | THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!) | |
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Posted: 7/25/2010 7:02:40 PM | How are politicians like strippers?
Both of them demand money to work the poles. | |
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Posted: 7/28/2010 12:25:25 AM | an old man went to the doctor to solve his sexual problem, the doctor gave him a jar and told him that the next appointment bring a sample of his semen in the jar.
The next appointment the old man came and the jar was empty, the doctor asked what happened, the old man said I tried with my right hand ... NOTHING, tried with my left...NOTHING, my wife tried with right hand nothing happened, tried with her left and nothing, the neighbour came and tried with both hands nothing.
the doctor shocked and said you must have a series problem
the old man replied we tried all night and couldn't open the jar...  | |
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Posted: 8/5/2010 4:26:34 AM | Whats the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi Doo... | |
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Posted: 8/17/2010 3:46:56 AM | nonsensical - married life - lmao!! | |
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Posted: 8/17/2010 3:51:46 AM | Why did the girl fall off the swing?
she had no arms. | |
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| Post a joke
Posted: 8/19/2010 6:55:01 PM | SOUTHERN CHARM
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart".... | |
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| Post a joke
Posted: 8/24/2010 9:22:58 AM | NATIVE HUMOR
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to
the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:31:59 PM | Three falsehoods of religion...
1. Jesus is not recognized as a savior in the Jewish religion..he is recognized as a Prophet, but not a savior.
2. The Pope is not recognized as the leader of the Christian faith. The Pope is recognized as the leader of the Catholic sect of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store or dance club. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/24/2010 8:51:12 PM | A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'That’s what the 24 cans of Budweiser was for and it's half the price.'
"CLEAN UP ON ISLE 9"
Husband down..... | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/24/2010 10:33:34 PM | | A man finds a lamp and it is a genie. The genie says 'I will grant you three wishes'. Well the man recalled stories about genies getting things a bit mixed up--like the 12 inch pianist or the million bucks that ended up being a million deer. The man took the genie to his lawyer and they talked and eventually came up with a contract. No funny stuff from the genie. For every wish the man makes...each lawyer in the firm will get twice the amount. Everybody agreed. First wish, the man chooses a beautiful woman. Poof... Now all the lawyers have two beautiful women to his one. Second wish, the man picks a Ferrari. Poof... All the lawyers have two Ferraris to his one. The genie says, "Pick wise, for this is your third and final wish." The man responds...."I'd like for you to beat me half to death." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/24/2010 11:11:45 PM | correction to what was Posted By: Pingshooter
Three falsehoods of religion...
(misconceptions by the average person who never bothered to read about the assorted reliegions)
1. Jesus is not recognized as a savior in the Islamic religion..he is recognized as a Prophet, but not a savior.
The Jewish religion sees Jesus as a blasphemer ... someone who masqueraded as a prophet or even God himself.
2. The Pope is not recognized as the leader of the Christian faith. The Pope is recognized as the leader of the Catholic sect of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store or dance club.
The only line from his post that belonged in the joke forum....
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Posted: 8/24/2010 11:35:46 PM | "The only line from his post that belonged in the joke forum...."
Duh, try telling that joke without 1 and 2... Same concept as the 'three wishes' jokes. | |
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| For all us other than"Harley" riders
Posted: 8/25/2010 9:32:22 AM | On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began
to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
his life.
The moral of the story??
(yep, you betcha, there's a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley
To Pick Up Chicks!
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holby
| | Joined: 9/13/2007
Msg: 1070 | |
| For all us other thanHarley riders
Posted: 9/1/2010 9:54:11 AM | paddy goes into a shoe shop can i have a pair of those shoes inthe window
you mean the shoes made out of turtle shell what size she says
7 says paddy dont wrap em up il put them on now
it took him 4 hours to walk out the shop | |
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| post a joke
Posted: 9/1/2010 11:24:33 AM | Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his white? Blee-otch. | |
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| hope its not been done
Posted: 9/6/2010 8:29:47 PM | Mary's in her first grade class and the teacher is explaining how humans are the only species that stutters, Mary raises her hand and says that she had a cat that stuttered.
The teacher having watched Art Linkletter decided she would let Mary explain, Mary said that one day "I was sitting in my backyard playing with my kitty when the neighbors dog jumped over the fence. She raised her spine and started to go f f f f f and before she could say **** the dog ate her" | |
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| hope its not been done
Posted: 9/12/2010 9:48:15 PM | | A group of guys from the American South decided they wanted to go fishing in Canada. They drove up to the Northern neighbor for their holiday vacation. While driving into town, they stopped at the local bait-n-tackle store. They asked a few questions and got the information about which lake, type of bait, and a few other tips. On their way out of the store, the clerk suggested that they get a few of the ice picks to break throught the ice on the lake. About an hour later the Southerners came back and bought a few more ice picks. A couple more hours passed and they again returned to buy even more ice picks. The clerk figures they are really finding some good spots on the lake and must be catching fish, so he asks, "You guys sure are buying a lot of ice picks....fishing must really be good, huh?" The fisherman responds, "We haven't even started fishing yet. We barely have the boat in the water." | |
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| hope its not been done
Posted: 9/16/2010 4:04:34 PM | How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side! | |
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