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| | Post a JokePage 46 of 49 (9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49) | The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I am still looking for a place to live.
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WOMAN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind. | |
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Posted: 2/4/2012 11:31:35 AM | A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?” | |
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Posted: 2/4/2012 10:37:13 PM | Rasmus is sitting on the fence by the railroad tracks. His wife, Liza comes out of the house and see him sitting there. She yells "Rasmus, you get down offa that fence! That train will come by and suck you off!" Rasmus looks ant Liza and yells "come on train!" | |
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Posted: 2/5/2012 8:37:47 AM | the OTHER side of Valentine's Day -
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife --
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
*************************************
My love, you take my breath away --
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme? --
Two parts vodka, one part lime!
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Valentine's Day Poem...Redneck style!
Collards are green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete.
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for a Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Krogers,
that's impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever",
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds....
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
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Posted: 2/5/2012 1:02:30 PM | | What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck. | |
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Posted: 2/7/2012 7:45:22 PM | Last Rites
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. . . somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
Long seconds dragged on, but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s. "Sir," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian, but for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to the injured man.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice, "B-5 . . . I-19 . . . N-38 . . . G-54 . . . O-72 . . .
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A Blonde Phone Call To her Mom
"Hi Mom, it's me."
"Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren't you with your father at the Ace Hardware?"
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth... Why did you do that???"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault. "Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.......
Mom, I knocked the crap out of her | |
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Posted: 2/26/2012 1:26:35 PM | A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors - Mike, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Mike and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Mike and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Mike and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Mike and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing....................
...................so they buried Debbie. | |
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Posted: 2/28/2012 11:24:41 AM | A little boy and girl were outside playing one day. The boy was boasting about how many toys he had. The boy says I've got two trucks and a football. The little girl says well I've got three barbie dolls a doll house and an eazybake oven. After realizing she had more toys than he, he unzips his fly, pulls out his peter and say's I've got one of these do you?
She say's no then drops her pants and say's I've got one of these, and with one of these I can get as many of those as I want. | |
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Posted: 2/28/2012 10:19:33 PM | "It's a boy!"
I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel. | |
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Posted: 2/29/2012 5:49:46 PM | 29th February
The only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees. | |
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Posted: 3/1/2012 12:03:00 AM | I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total nonsense" I replied.
By text, from across the road. | |
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Posted: 3/2/2012 11:58:50 PM | My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra. | |
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Posted: 3/5/2012 8:01:53 AM | A man sitting by his future fatehr-in-law at his rehearsal dinner when they got on the subject of how many wives he had already had.
3" "all dead"
Oh my! how did they die?
Poison mushrooms killed the first two"
What killed the third one?
Broken neck
Oh my! she died from a broken neck?
She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms! | |
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Posted: 3/5/2012 6:43:10 PM | hi I am new here.. and think this joke is funny., I have a story but dont know were it would go. The Wooden Bowl:
>
> I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl
>
>
> tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from
> now.
>
>
> A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law,
> and four-year - old grandson.
> The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred,
> and his step faltered.
> The family ate together at the table. But the elderly
> grandfather's shaky hands and
> failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his
> spoon onto the floor.
> When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
>
>
> The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess
> "We must do something about father," said the
> son.
> "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy
> eating, and food on the floor."
>
> So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
> There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family
> enjoyed dinner.
> Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was
> served in a wooden bowl
>
> When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction ,
> sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
> Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp
> admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
>
> The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
>
> One evening before supper, the father noticed his son
> playing with wood scraps on the floor.
> He asked the child sweetly, "What are you
> making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
> "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat
> your food in when I grow up.
> " The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
>
> The words so struck the parents so that they were
> speechless.
> Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
> Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
>
> That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and
> gently led him back to the family table.
> For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the
> family. And for some reason,
> neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a
> fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled
>
> On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what
> happens,
> how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be
> better tomorrow.
>
> I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by
> the way he/she handles four things:
> a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled
> Christmas tree lights.
>
> I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with
> your parents,
> you'll miss them when they're gone from your life
>
>
> I've learned that making a "living" is not
> the same thing as making a "life.."
>
> I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
> chance.
>
> I've learned that you shouldn't go through life
> with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
> You need to be able to throw something back
>
> I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will
> elude you
> But , if you focus on your family, your friends, the
> needs of others,
> your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will
> find you
>
> I've learned that whenever I decide something with an
> open heart, I usually make the right decision.
>
> I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't
> have to be one.
>
> I've learned that every day, you should reach out and
> touch someone.
>
> People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug,
> or just a friendly pat on the back.
>
> I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
>
>
> *********************
> This is to all of you who
> mean something to me,
> I pray for your happiness.
> The Gift Of Love, Hope & Friendship
>
> | |
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Posted: 3/7/2012 9:18:21 AM | I haven't gone through all 46 pages but...I thought this one was funny:
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral ..
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!"
The minister fainted!
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Posted: 3/11/2012 5:40:58 AM | The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal****ights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.
Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.
"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".
Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."
The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum body bet on de duck!"
"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won." | |
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Posted: 3/13/2012 6:02:20 AM | The Three Samurai
There once was a powerful old Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The old emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The old emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. The old emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the old emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill." | |
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Posted: 3/15/2012 11:01:43 AM | Why do men tend to twist their wedding ring?
"They are trying to find the right combination." | |
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Posted: 3/18/2012 6:19:51 AM | A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,' and 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
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Posted: 3/18/2012 6:20:50 AM | A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a pilot on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the pilot asked for a whiskey and soda,
which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than allow liquor to ever touch my lips."
The pilot then handed his drink back to the flight
attendant and said, "Me too, Ma'am. I didn't know we had a choice." | |
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Posted: 3/26/2012 2:19:47 PM | Biker Crime?
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to
jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “what are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide” she says.
While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked...”Well, before you jump, why don’t you
give me a kiss?”
So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever
had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.....”
The authorities think she may have been pushed | |
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Posted: 3/27/2012 9:27:53 PM | Now I Know...
How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"
Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" | |
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Posted: 3/28/2012 8:53:44 AM | Doctor, to Lady, during her examination: Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Lady started taking off her clothes . . .
Doctor, stopping her: No! No!No! Pls put on your clothes.
JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!
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Posted: 3/29/2012 8:26:46 PM | A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. The bookkeeper is deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never be called to testify in court.
When the godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer, I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll blow your brains out if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replied, “He says, ‘Go ahead and pull the trigger…. I still won't tell you!’”
Don't you just love lawyers? | |
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Posted: 3/30/2012 1:34:03 PM | a man goes into a bar and orders a double vodka
the bartender sensing that the ma is upsets says "you alright mate you look a bit down in the dumps"
man nods and says "yep came home today to find my wife having sex with my best mate"
"damn im sorry to hear that, what happened"
"well i packed all my wifes stuff and told her to clear off"
"what about your friend did you say anything to him"
"oh yes " said the man "i looked him right in the eye and said BAD DOG BAD DOG" | |
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49 (9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49)
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