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| | Shamus and beerPage 48 of 49 (9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49) | Shamus, was having a beer the local pub sitting at the end of the bar all by himself. At the other end of the bar a bunch of men occasionally look up at Shamus and start laughing. The bartender asks why are those guys laughing at you?
Shamus points out the window. "You see that bridge over there, it's a good bridge. Built it with me bare hands I did. But do they call me Shamus the bridge builder? No mate they don't.
Shamus pulls mournfully on his beer and points out the door. "Do you see that field of barley over there?" The bartender nods. Shamus says "It's a fine field, took me six months to remove all of the stones from it with me bare hands, but do they call me Shamus the landscaper? No mate they don't."
Shamus then looks at his beer and says, "And this beer from the local distillery is made with that barley. Those men are drinking that same beer. I planted the barley that's in that beer by me self. Do they call me Shamus the barley farmer? No mate they don't."
Shamus takes another swig of his beer, face turning red as the men laugh even louder at the other end of the bar. Then Shamus says "but you fook ONE sheep"... | |
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Posted: 7/15/2012 4:34:28 PM | "MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!"
During a routine flight over the atlantic a plane runs into some serious turbulence. Everyone was becoming increasingly uneasy, even the flight staff. Then, the pilot's voice can be heard over the intercom.
"This is your pilot speaking, our plane was hit by lighting and we have lost both engines. We are going down. If anyone needs to make peace with themselves I suggest you do it now"
People began saying prayers, crying, attempting to call loved ones from their cell phones and more when suddenly a drop dead gorgeous 20 something girl stands up and yells:
"Dear God, I'm still a virgin. Somebody Please........MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF ME!"
Just then a man jumps to his feet ripping his shirt off and throwing it to her in one fluid motion and yell back:
"QUICK!.............IRON THAT!" | |
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00Azzy
| | Joined: 7/5/2012
Msg: 1178 | |
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Posted: 7/16/2012 4:04:35 AM | What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer. :') | |
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Posted: 7/17/2012 2:19:32 PM | | check out the vid if you want a great l.o.l lmao http://youtu.be/dCr7PnkIjVE | |
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Posted: 8/30/2012 8:43:26 PM | "And God promised Man that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the World.
Then He made the Earth round
...and laughed....and laughed...and
laughed." | |
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Posted: 12/18/2012 9:26:14 PM | Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS... Have I sent this to you already? | |
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Posted: 12/20/2012 1:55:43 PM | The HUSBAND Store...
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | |
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Posted: 12/22/2012 1:57:13 AM | Husband calls out to his wife
Hey darling my olympic condoms have arrived
I think I'll wear gold tonight
Wife replies
I wish you'd wear silver
And come second for a change | |
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Posted: 12/22/2012 12:19:34 PM | | what do you call two lesbians in a cannoe? fur traders... | |
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Posted: 12/24/2012 10:00:57 PM | Anticipating her husband's return home from a hard day at the office, the wife strips down to a pair of crotchless underwear and lays across the couch in a seductive position.
The husband opens the door, and while he stands in the doorway, she says "Hi baby...want some of this?"
He drops his briefcase and exclaims "Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!" | |
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Posted: 12/25/2012 5:12:37 AM | This is a joke with a goofy evolutionary history...It's something that I kind of just made up, from a conglomeration of sources, not trying to create a joke, but at the time just coming up with a bit of silly dialogue to put in a dialogue box in a video I made of a stray chicken that decided to live in my yard. Somehow though, it's made people really laugh, even if I can't understand myself how it's THAT funny. I think maybe it's because of an ambiguous unclarified implied meaning:
A hen, a rooster, and a squirrel walk into a bar.
The rooster hops up onto the bar, and hollers "cock-a-doodle-doooo!"
The hen comments "any c*** will do."
The squirrel muses to himself, and asks "now where did I bury my nuts anyway?" | |
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Posted: 12/29/2012 8:24:28 PM | | They don't beat anybody | |
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Posted: 1/5/2013 6:07:50 PM | What Our Government Is
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap. | |
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Posted: 1/6/2013 10:29:55 PM | | omg i almost cried and peed myself on that one lmfaorotfl | |
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Posted: 1/6/2013 11:24:40 PM | | ^^^^ Yeah, sometimes the truth can be funny! I should have proofread it first, someone else made some errors in typing, I just copied & pasted it. | |
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Posted: 1/7/2013 12:38:39 AM | | Has anyone seen Stevie Wonder's house?...... No. ........Neither has he. | |
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Posted: 1/12/2013 3:04:03 AM | Old Woman 1: Boy I tell ya, this alzheimers' a rough one to deal with, and its getting worse.
Old Woman 2: Oh boy, I'm so sorry.. How bad is it..?
Old Woman 1: How bad is what? | |
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Posted: 1/12/2013 10:27:41 AM | Nun goes confession tels the priest she wears no knickers under her habit ,that's not a sin he reply's.
,just say 5 hell Mary's 5 our fathers and do 5 cart wheels on your way to the Alter | |
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Posted: 1/12/2013 10:30:28 AM | | What fruit has 7 dents????????? Snow whites cherry | |
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| Technical Update
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:39:08 AM | That's really funny. I have another joke that is insensitive to people with poor English, but also quite funny:
At a construction site there was an American foreman named Bob. Now he had three guys working for him that day: Jeff, a Canadian; Roger, a Brit; and Kaito, from Japan. He walks over to them and says, "OK. Jeff, I need you to dig a big hole over there. Roger, you take the dirt from the hole and pile it over there. Kaito, you're in charge of supplies."
They all nod, and Bob goes off to a meeting with the client.
Later in the day, Bob gets back from the meeting, and sees Roger kicking a soccer ball around.
"Roger, didn't I tell you to pile the dirt over here? Where's all the dirt?"
"Sorry boss, but that chap Jeff didn't dig anything up."
Bob walks further down and sees Jeff twiddling his thumbs.
"Hey Jeff! Why isn't there a hole here? I told you to dig a hole!"
"Sorry boss, but Kaito didn't supply me with a shovel."
Bob is fuming now. "Where is Kaito, anyway?"
Jeff and Roger just shrug their shoulders.
Bob, now irate, goes stomping off toward the construction trailer, with Roger and Jeff trailing behind. But just before they get to the door, Kaito jumps out from around the corner and yells, "SUPPLIES!" | |
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Posted: 1/20/2013 10:55:42 PM | | A young women is about to go into High School. Her mother sets her down and explains the facts of life to her. The young women ask her mother "what do I do if a boy wants to do that"? Her takes her by the hand and tell her "Just look him in the eyes and say...what do you want to name the baby?" All the way in High School she does just that. Any time her date gets a little fisky, she would lean back and ask, " what should we name the baby?" It worked every time. No High School guy wants to have that on his shoulders....She graduates and goes off to college. The first week there, a big, burly line man for the football team ask her to dinner, and our princess said yes. After dinner the line man pulls the car over at the local lovers lane and gets his mojo on. She calmly leans back and says "well, what shall we name the baby?" DOESNT SLOW HIM DOWN ONE BIT....Princess starts yelling....WHAT DO YOU WANT TO NAME THE BABY!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO NAME THE BABBY...WHAT DO WE NAME THE BABY??????!!!! The line man sits back, ties a knot in the condom and tosses it out the window, smiles and says.."If he gets out of that, we'll name him....HOUDINI!!!!" | |
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Posted: 1/20/2013 11:22:33 PM | | A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are stranded in a desert in the middle of July. They've been stranded two days and have run out of food and drink. Suddenly a genie appears and tells them he will grant them one thing each. The red head asks for food. The brunette asks for water. The blonde asks for a car door. The brunette and red head ask the blonde 'why the hell did you ask for a car door'? The blonde says, "It's hotter than hell I wanna roll down the window". | |
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:38:18 PM | | 3 blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little but stupid and the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:18:43 PM | A married couple have just moved into a house by the beach. The wife insists on having a big expensive housewarming party in order to impress the neighbors. The husband is put in charge of gathering food and refreshments - when the day of the party comes, everything is all ready, but the wife notices there's no escargot. She's furious about this, and since there's no place around to get it on such short notice, she sends the husband out with a bucket to gather snails from the beach, telling him not to come back until the bucket is full.
So the man walks down the beach, gathering snails, until the bucket is nearly full - he's in an unfamiliar part of the beach, so he figures it's time to start heading back. Then he notices this beautiful woman out sunbathing in the nude. He works up the nerve to talk to her, and before you know it, he's in bed with her.
He wakes up next to her while it's still dark out and realizes he's in a lot of trouble - it's nearly 3 in the morning and of course the party is long over. All he can think to do is rush out with his snail bucket, try to get home before his wife wakes up, and think of some kind of explanation for his absence on the way back.
After a long walk, he finally finds his way home. He very quietly opens the door and starts walking up the stairs to the bedroom. Suddenly, as he's nearing the top step, the bathroom door squeaks open and his wife comes out. Startled, he drops the bucket and the snails fall all over the stairs.
His wife is standing there silently glaring at him. Thinking quickly, he turns away from her and calls out "C'mon guys, we're almost there!" | |
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Posted: 1/26/2013 9:55:36 AM | women gets pulled over
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I... don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying **stard told you I was speeding too! | |
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49 (9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49)
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