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| A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:11:22 PM | Do you know what the greatest thing about dating a homeless woman is?
When the dates over, you can drop her off anywhere.... | |
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| chemical analysis - woman
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:24:22 AM | ELEMENT:
Women
SYMBOL:
Wo
DISCOVERER:
Adam
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES:
Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other | |
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| chemical analysis - man
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:25:10 AM | ELEMENT :
Man
SYMBOL :
Ma
QUANTITIVE :
Accepted at 7 inches though known to be as small as 4 inches.
DISCOVERER :
Eve (discovered by accident when she had a craving for ribs)
OCCURRENCE :
Often found near dual element Wo, usually in high concentrations surrounding a perfect Wo specimen.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) surface is often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts when treated properly.
3) can cause headaches
4) tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
5) gains considerable mass and loses reactive nature, as specimen ages
6) specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
7) often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1) all forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2) may react with several Wo isotopes in a short period under extremly favorable conditions.
3) most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
4) usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5) will be fairly inert and repellant to most other elements when saturated with alcohol.
6) is repelled by most common household appliances and cleansers.
7) is repelled by small children in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
8) is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
STORAGE:
1) best results near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
USES:
1) heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo.
2) can be used in recreational activities.
TESTS:
1) pure specimen will rarely reveal purity
2) reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
CAUTION:
1) may react extremely violently when another Ma interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. | |
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| bread..
Posted: 3/19/2007 4:31:10 AM | Got any bread?
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating b**tard of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread? | |
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| OLYMPICS
Posted: 3/19/2007 8:58:22 AM | | husband says to wife.."MY OLYMPIC CONDOMS HAVE ARRIVED,I THINK I'LL WEAR GOLD TONIGHT" .. wife replys.."WHY DON'T YOU WEAR SILVER AND CUM F*****G 2ND FOR A CHANGE?" | |
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| PHONE HOME..
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:10:54 AM | | pregnant irish girl phones home.."MAM OI TINK ME WATERS AVE BROKE".. mother's reply.."OH ME HOLY JAYSUS,WER ARE YA RINGIN FROM?" girl.."OIM RINGIN FROM ME MINGE TO ME F*****G ANKLES.?" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/19/2007 1:03:10 PM | An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the top of the jar off." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2007 6:54:44 PM | For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he
asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:47:32 PM | The Acrobatic Dancer
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2007 7:12:48 AM | A tourist was visiting a small village when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond.
Walking over to the village idiot who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?"
"Oh, only a few inches," replied the idiot.
After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat, and within a few seconds was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond, he finally reached his hat and then struggled back to edge.
Climbing out, he turned to the village idiot and screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!"
"Well," shrugged the idiot, "the water only comes half way up that duck over there." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2007 7:41:05 AM | Advantages/Disadvantages Of Having A Threesome
Advantages
1. It can get really weird.
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings.
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one.
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13.
5. You get to watch your best friends making love.
6. You get to get watched making love.
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed.
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing.
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms.
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out.
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it.
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left.
13. Three-person showers are fantastic.
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better.
15. Three-person kisses are best.
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird.
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings.
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off.
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt.
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows.
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like.
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them.
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks.
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3.
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want.
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want.
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships.
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple.
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions.
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
(Anon) | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2007 9:14:56 AM |
Joke of the Day!
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
This one really did happen in my human sexuality course at Penn State - but a guy in the class asked why his girlfriend said it tastes salty. Unfortunately, the woman teaching the course didn't know the answer, or wasn't a fast enough thinker to answer. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2007 10:42:32 PM | Ancient Chinese Torture!
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and he entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Ouch!
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2007 6:41:19 PM | Fishing Trip
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer . . .
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box.
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2007 9:09:27 PM | The Wrong House
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.
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| The Vibrator
Posted: 3/23/2007 6:05:11 AM | As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, 'What in the world are you doing??"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedrom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love with her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, Mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting in the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law." | |
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| The Vibrator
Posted: 3/23/2007 7:48:01 AM | | A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a goodlooking guy and decides to talk to him.. She ask the man what he's drinking?.. The man replys .. Magic beer.. Magic beer? she asks.. Ok your a wierdo.. she says to herself... She walks away looking for another guy to talk to... She realizes that he's the only goodlooking guy in the bar.. So she decides to go back over and talk to him again.. She sits back down next to him and asks ... " No really what is that your drinking?.. He replys.. Magic beer, for real... She says ok.. Whats so magical about it? Man says," here I'll show you".. He Takes a drink and goes over to the window of the bar thats 10 stories up and jumps out and flies around the building 3 times and lands back inside the bar window and sits back down at the bar.. The woman says... "WOW!" I bet you cant do that again".. Man takes a drink and does it again.. The woman is in disbeleif of what she just saw.. So she turns to the bar tender and says "I'll have one of them magic beers plz".. Bartender slides her a glass of beer.. She takes a drink and goes over to the window and jumps 10 stories out the window and dies, breaking every bone in her body.. The bartender looks at the man sitting at the bar and says " You know Superman.. Your a real Azzhole when your drunk"... | |
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| The Vibrator
Posted: 3/23/2007 7:59:14 AM | now beat this. its a real life story from Melbourne.
i used to drive cabs as a student in Melbourne
i had this changeover with this fella also from the subcontinent.
one morning it was quiet and Harry invited me in for a coffee.
he gets me a cuppa and tells me about this strange incident from last night.
an early 20s flags him down and asks Harry if he wants a head job.
been a quiet night Harry is grateful to have anything, he nods, the chick is in the car.
Harry takes out his street directory and inside out, upside down, 5 minutes of silence............
he puts the directory away and goes in his thick Indian accent
"sorry i am a new driver, can u give me the directions plz...........!"
the sheila is a bit bewildered, then she giggles and asks Harry if he doesnt know what a head job was.....
Harry moves his head side to side. the chick tries to assure Harry that its gonna be good fun!
being a cabbie Harry had had the unusual experiences and like a magic goes a stereotype cab-driver "can i have the money upfront plz....."
needless to say the chick got something different but equally amusing..... a joke for life.
these days Harry has all the requisite lingual skills he might need on a lucky night. | |
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| Harry
Posted: 3/23/2007 8:18:54 PM | | actually i missed this bit about Harry. the ignorant fella was sure he had missed a great job. he thought that place was up in the country somewhere far away. $$$$$$$ | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/23/2007 9:50:56 PM | How come a bird doesn't wear pants?
His pecker's on his face. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/24/2007 8:03:31 AM | Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But, there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone,anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, She will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess, and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking, you pervert???
(Anon)
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/24/2007 10:55:50 PM | Four Little Animals
You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/24/2007 11:01:37 PM | Anger Management:
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/24/2007 11:11:44 PM | Howard a Newfie, bayman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars..."she whispers. He'd never been with hooker before, but he decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Howard answers indignantly.
"Oh, "I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Well," Howard says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/24/2007 11:20:17 PM | I'm sure if the customer had taken two seconds, he probably would have come up with the answers to his question on his own. But instead he called information.
"I'm looking for the number of a business," he said when I picked up his call.
"What's the name of the business?" I asked.
"1-800-FLOWERS." | |
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