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 AUTHOR
 1_Step_Up?
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 126
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Post a JOKEPage 6 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
 1_Step_Up?
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 127
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:25:21 AM
See the links below.

Safe driving test. http://www.gmadinsurance.comSafeDriving/2006/test.asp

4 year old playing the accordian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQPEsa5e7KO

I hope I've got these correct. If I do then "enjoy!"
 expiration date reached
Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 128
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/25/2007 1:45:51 PM
A blonde woman is driving through Saskatchewan , she suddenly slams on her brakes, jumps out of her car and irately yells at a blonde in a rowboat in the field

"What are you doing" she yells

"Im rowing through a sea of wheat" the blonde out in the field replies

Well the 1st blond just loses it and starts berating the other woman
"It's blondes like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad rep.
You are lucky I can't swim..otherwise I would come out there and kick your butt
 expiration date reached
Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 129
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/25/2007 1:48:24 PM
2 irish blokes walk out of a bar

WHAT?!?!?

It could happen
 I_like_guys
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 130
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/25/2007 3:02:24 PM
Bringing this one up from memory:
An elderly couple had been married for their entire lives, straight out of high school, etc. One sad day, the husband died. The wife was so distraught with her loss, that she decided to commit suicide to end her misery. So, the woman with the broken heart called up her doctor to ask where her heart is... The doctor replied: just below your left breast.

The following day, same woman was rushed to the emergency room with a gunshot to the left kneecap.

 expiration date reached
Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 131
similar
Posted: 3/25/2007 5:23:38 PM
An elderdy couple had been married 60 years and gotten into a routine every morning. He would hide behind his paper reading. She would stare at the back of the paper he was hiding behind.

Finally one morning she cleared her throat loudly ( he would cringe and rattle his paper knowing a talk was immenent).

She says to him 'where has the passion gone. Don't you remember how we used to be when we were newlyweds? How wild we used to be in our passion for each other"?

Well the old duffer, memory working and interest piqued, put down his paper.

"Yes" he started, " I remember how we use to sit naked at the breakfast table and when one or the other of us was in the mood we would make wild passionate love. We would go fromt the kitchen to the living room to the bath room to the study and then the bedroom."

She noticed a flickering gleam in his eyes and feeling encouraged said "honey, what say we get naked for old times sake right here and right now"

He figured what the hey, agreed. After the were naked across the table from each other , She blurts out " my nipples are as hot for you now as they were back then"

He casually replies with a smirk on his face, "I'm not surprised....

Ones in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"
 PolarExpress
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 132
Post a JOKE - House Rules for Men
Posted: 3/27/2007 6:15:41 AM
((tongue in cheek))

The FEMALE makes The Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE.

The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

If the FEMALE is in a bad mood, all The Rules are null and void.

The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.

Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.

The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

 imalitltpot
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 133
Three Italian Nuns
Posted: 3/27/2007 10:06:14 AM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini." replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.......

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 PolarExpress
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 134
Post a joke - Gates vs GM
Posted: 3/27/2007 6:18:06 PM
^^^^^


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash . . . Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9 Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.



 eeek
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 135
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/31/2007 4:05:46 PM
A man and a woman who have never met before find they have to share a two-bunk compartment on a sleeper train.

In the middle of the night the man says: "I'm terribly cold - could you pass me an extra blanket?"

"I've got a better idea," says the woman. "Let's pretend that we're married."

"I like the sound of that," says the man.

"So get your own damn blanket."
 Tank007
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 136
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/31/2007 9:53:17 PM
ok here it goes..this blonde women called the fire department freaking out the operator answer and is trying to calm her down the operator says ok ladies now how do we get to your house?? the ladie says DUH IN THE BIG RED TRUCK...
 eeek
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 137
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/31/2007 9:58:03 PM
As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door she observed her daughter intimately involved with a vibrator.Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing!?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

The next day the woman's father heard the same buzzing from his daughter's room. He entered the room and saw what his wife saw the day before and received the same explanation.

A few days later the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing noise coming from the lliving room. She went in and found her husband sitting on the couch drinking a beer and staring at the TV, the vibrator buzzing merrily away beside him. "What the hell are you doing!?", she demanded. Her husband replied,"I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
 eeek
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 138
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/1/2007 12:11:14 AM
A man is having problems with his "equipment" which certainly had seen better
times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, it's out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already
expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says,
"Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a
list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your
name is not on it!"
 Mucker GEE
Joined: 12/23/2006
Msg: 139
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/1/2007 3:38:12 AM
okay how do you stop a dog from ****ing your leg......


pick it up and suck its****!
 karibabes
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 140
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/1/2007 8:30:45 AM
Spring Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Mar. 5, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 P M

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 eeek
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 141
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/1/2007 11:12:57 AM
A police officer is cruising lovers' lane. He sees the dome light on in a car and figures something's up. He parks behind the vehicle and walks up to the driver's window. When he looks inside he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He looks in the back seat and sees a young lady knitting. Confused, he taps on the window. When the young man rolls down the window the officer asks, "What are you doing?" The young man says, "I'm reading a computer magazine." The cop asks, "What is the young lady in the back seat doing?" He says, "I don't know. I think she's knitting a sweater." The officer asks if the young man has a driver's license. The young man says of course and hands it to him. "It says here you are 22 years old. Is that accurate?" "Yes sir." "And how old is the young lady in the back seat?" The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
 luv2laughnow
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 142
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/3/2007 6:40:46 PM
A long married couple were sitting around one day and the husband says to the wife "I bet you can't make me really happy and really mad all in the same sentence" The wife thinks for a few minutes and says "Your penus (spelling) is much bigger than your brother's....
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 143
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/3/2007 7:49:37 PM
This was a joke told to me by my little cousin.

How do you catch an elephant with a pit full of ash surrounded by peas?
You wait for the elephant to take a pea and kick him in the ash.

It's so cute being told that joke by a child. I just cracked up.
 eeek
Joined: 9/23/2005
Msg: 144
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/4/2007 5:03:52 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,
he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in IDAHO and I'm driving
the salt truck!"
 stew007
Joined: 3/14/2004
Msg: 145
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:49:06 AM
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate.....
 stew007
Joined: 3/14/2004
Msg: 146
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:50:57 AM
Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9
 stew007
Joined: 3/14/2004
Msg: 147
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:52:10 AM
An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"
 stew007
Joined: 3/14/2004
Msg: 148
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:53:41 AM
How To Sell Lawnmowers

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!" Wink
 difficultone04
Joined: 6/23/2004
Msg: 149
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 8:49:59 AM
HARRY THE BETTING MAN!


Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit
accompanied by his
attorney

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that
you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do
you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I
usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Harry removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into
that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy
could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely,
and pretty much pissed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But
then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty
thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 150
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 10:09:57 AM
Wacky Definitions - 2Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil.

Mad Money: A psychiatrist's fee.

Marriage: A long banquet with the dessert served first.

Marriage: The number 1 cause of divorce.

Mistress: A cutie on the Q.T.

Racehorse: An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Race Track: A place where windows clean people.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.

Show off: A child that is more talented than yours.

Stalemate: An ex-spouse.

Sterilize: What you do with your first child's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last child's pacifier by blowing on it.

Strip Poker: The one game where the more that you lose, the more that you have to show for it.

Sugar Daddy: Man who can afford to raise Cain.

Taxpayers: People who don't have to take a civil service examination to work for the government.

Valentine's Day: A day in which you hope for a candlelit dinner, diamonds, and chocolates, but consider yourself lucky if you get a card.

Vice-versa: Dirty poems.

Voluptuous Woman: One who has curves in places where some girls don't even have places.

Window Dresser: A girl who doesn't pull down the shades.

Zombie: What some men drink and others marry.
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