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Posted: 5/23/2007 7:28:30 PM | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would
like to buy some cyanide.
" The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." | |
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mak68
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Joined: 4/14/2007
Msg: 202 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/23/2007 11:29:43 PM | Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!" | |
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mak68
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Joined: 4/14/2007
Msg: 203 | |
| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/23/2007 11:31:44 PM | A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t." | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 12:52:55 AM | Rules of pooing at work - As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH .
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers,
and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 2:30:36 AM | A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to
bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your
t*ts" he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your a**e and lick it all off" he says.
" You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One
more
chance'" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your f*nny
with Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs
to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t*ts
and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my a*se cheeks
and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my f*nny with
Stella and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries
hysterically.......
"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of
Stella!!!! | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 3:19:40 AM | Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa.
The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, gouges out his eye, and bites off his penis.
Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs; the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a penis.
A while later, Cheeta the chimp asks Tarzan how his new body parts are.
Tarzan replies "With new eye i can see further than i ever did before" "With the new arm i'm stronger than i ever was before". But not like the new willy"
"Why's that?" asks the chimp
Tarzan replies"It keep taking weeds and shoving them in my a$s.". | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 3:28:16 AM | A boy asks Dad "what's the difference between "theoretically" and "realistically"?
Dad thinks long and hard and says
"Go ask Mum if she would sleep with the milkman for £1million pounds". The boy goes off and returns..."She said 'yes', Dad".
Dad says " Now go and ask your big sister if she'll sleep with the coalman for £2million pounds".
The boy goes off and returns..."She said 'yes', Dad".
Dad says "Well there's your answer son. THEORETICALLY we're sitting on £3million pounds. REALISTICALLY we're living with two slags!" | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 3:32:55 AM | Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mummy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 3:49:38 AM | Little Johnny asks his dad for a bike for his birthday
Dad says "sorry son mum's lost her job and we have a £80,000 pound mortgage to pay so can't afford one".
The next day Johnny walks out the door with his suitcase packed, his dad says "where you going?" Johnny replies "I walked past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out and mum told you to wait as she was coming with you, I'm not staying here on my own with a £80,000 pound mortgage and no fecking bike!" | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 3:58:31 AM | A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already". | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 6:51:55 AM |
"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
Oh my gad that is one of the sickest jokes I ever heard!!!!
A Father's Last Request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 11:40:58 AM | What do you call a black guy who flies an aeroplane?
A pilot, you f&^ing racist!
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.
When do fish go to the bathroom?
when they are dead.
Yo mammas so old she knew the dead sea when it was still sick!
what is the difference between michael jackson and a plastic bag.
1 is made of plastic and is a danger to children and the other carries your grocieries. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 11:45:08 AM | A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I? | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 12:18:10 PM | A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 12:27:47 PM | Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy ***hole would've tried that shit with me!" | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 12:28:42 PM | This man met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, they drank a bit, and she asked if he had ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome. he said no. They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?" | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 5:54:06 PM | Bunch of terrible jokes!
 Write On!
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Posted: 5/24/2007 6:40:21 PM | Toooo cute, I opened this joke that was e-mailed to me by a friend... made me laugh, especially after reading some posts on "how and why men feel the way they do about a women's body size...
Perfect timing...
*Subject:* WOMEN'S ASS STUDY
> > There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses,
> > the results were pretty interesting:
> >
> > 30% of women think their ass is too fat...
> > 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
> > The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
> > and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
> >
Now, Now, it's only a joke... | |
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Posted: 5/24/2007 7:58:39 PM | The Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,
admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic
trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he
heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look,
he saw a 13 foot Kodiak bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his
shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to
his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His
heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.
But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As
he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over
him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising
its right paw to strike him. "OH MY GOD!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a
thunderous voice came from all around,
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT
I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT.
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS
PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly
into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be
a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could
make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
....and the bear dropped down on his knees,
brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive." | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 1:46:23 AM | Hang on to any of the new Missouri Quarters. If you have them, they may
be worth much more than 25 cents
The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Missouri
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters
will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the
unique design of the Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of
Ozark specialists.
Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming up the machines. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:53:10 AM | ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare
go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 1:50:47 PM | From a "Good Morning America" broadcast:
"Coming up, Al Gore says that our democracy is being ruined by television,
which turns issues into entertainment! But first, here's Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jole walking down the red carpet at Cannes: our exclusive
interview!"
{*sigh*} | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 4:34:28 PM |
Yo mammas so old she knew the dead sea when it was still sick!
So...Yo mammas so fat...when she goes campin..the bears hide Their food!!! | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 4:47:08 PM | | A blonde and her husband are in bed sleeping late on night. The phone rings..startled, she picks it up listens for a few seconds and says "HOW SHOULD I KNOW..I LIVE IN MISSOURI!!!!) Shaken, the husband asked who it was...she said...I don't know, some dumb broad wanted to know if the coast was clear!!!... | |
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| Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 5:38:32 PM | MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips
The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a****and save a smile...
If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all da condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it? a ****in goodyear!
Sex is like playing spades. If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand.
Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the ****in book says!
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet **** always makes a****happy!
Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard | |
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