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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/28/2007 10:57:13 PM | Okay, Liz....If he has become abusive, do you know if he is "dealing with stuff," or possibly could he have a mood disorder - is he bipolar? Guys even when sitting "in the catbird seat" can get suspicious, paranoid (If they see other guys looking at you, for instance). But you are correct to withdraw when he exhibits abusive behaviour.
Maybe I've watched too much TV, but if he comes in drunk one night, will he then get physically abusive towards you. As a guy, I know that we truly are the weaker sex. Anger, confusion combined with a hyped up sex drive in a young guy is not what you need. You do not need to fall into the pattern of the abused partner, because you might start believing it yourself.
It may be difficult, but stay away if you can.. Chalk this up to a learning experience.  | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/28/2007 10:59:21 PM | How about a social worker first, and then on to a psychologist or psychiatrist if necessary. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/28/2007 11:06:36 PM | Angry guys are all basically a bunch of pu**ies who just cant get the "tough" thing down.....Man Up, Beeotch. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 12:10:32 AM | The rest of that quote is "progressively he ..." and the behavior escalated...becoming more and more violent, controling and paranoidd.
One of the posters suggested bi-polar and that might be a thought--of course it is difficult to diagnose a problem like this second/third hand. some bi-polars can become real problems, and others are fairly easily controlled with medication.
My bottom line, though, is that since this man is obviously violent and seems to be getting worse, even though he SAYS he is taking anger management classes, I think the OP should keep herself safe and move on with her life. WHAT EVER THE CAUSE of his problem. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:05:24 AM | | Can men with anger problems change? Yes, but it is very, I repeat, very unlikely. As has been mentioned by a few other people, this guy is showing all the classic signs of being an abuser. So he's going to therapy and he's 'admitted' to being an @ss, can you really afford to take a chance on whether he will change or not? I would recommend against it. I know it's rough since you still have feelings for him, but you need too remove him from your life for good. The last thing you need is too become another statistic. I have seen too many of my female friends goo through these things. You did the right thing by telling him to get out. Please don't second guess that and make a mistake you will likely regret. Keep looking and I'm sure you will find a man that will treat you with the respect you deserve. | |
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atlast
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Joined: 2/25/2007
Msg: 56 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:34:02 AM | | When I was young and immature I had a temper problem. I wanted to have my way all the time, and I was really insecure. I saw anyone a girlfriend wanted to spend time with as a threat to our relationship. Now that I am older and wiser, I see what a waste of emotion this is and feel more confident about everything. I basically outgrew my negative emotions. People can change, but figuring out if they really want to change or are "pretending" as a way to get back in your lfe is hard to figure out. It's not as bad for guys, but if someone puts me in fear of my well being, they are not going to be welcome back in my life. Unfortunately it falls on you (OP) to figure out whether this guy is sincrere or not, and how much time you are willing to possibly waste finding out. Good lick on that. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 3:31:10 AM | Liz;
google "Control Freak" there is a pathology known to medicine and it can be dealt with mental therapy unfortunately it demands recognition by the sufferer (not you, you're the victim) and a complete willingness to change.
Most times they just go along enough to suck the victim back in and continue the control cycle.
Verbal abuse is the first clue, many never go beyond that but most do anything to control their partner.
Look it up, good luck. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 6:36:13 AM | SweetElizabeth wrote:
I did a background check on him and found out that he had a restraining order years ago!
Although Sombient makes a good point of view and another side to why your boyfriend may be going through this abusive behavior, I still feel and as you said, his angry behavior just didn't start with you if he had a restraining order on him years ago.
It may be that he only gets abusive when in a relationship. Jealousy is a terrible way to be and the recipient of that jealousy will pay the price. The feeling of jealousy is right in him and it is HIS problem...HIS insecurity. No wonder no one believes you when you tell them what he has done. They've never been in relationship with him.
So...IMO, I still think that years of therapy is needed because if he recently hit his head, what excuses could there be for restraining orders to be served to him in the past. I feel that he was a jealous man for a long time and it comes out when in a live-in relationship.
He called today and told me that he went to his first therapist visit, and she told him that he needed to realize he wasn't such a bad guy and that he didn't need medication.
Also, when he tells you that his therapist said that no meds are needed...how can she diagnose him with just having one session with him? Don't believe what he says to you. He wants to resume a life with you faster than he should... so he may be leading you on to believe that he's isn't as bad as you think he is...according to his therapist..
As another member suggested...Get a note from his doctor/therapist to make sure he is going for help before making any decisions for him to return. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 6:51:16 AM | This is a tad OT but an extremely handy little bit of knowledge to know:
Look at his hands. Specifically pointer finger as compared to ring finger. If the pointer finger is shorter than the ring finger it is well documented scientific fact the fetus had too much testerone while in the womb and these men are far more prone to violent behavior/anger issues than is the norm.
May not help you much now but it will certainly help with filtering choices in the future. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 6:54:50 AM | As someone who has been there, and tried everything...trying to do everything right, went for therapy, ...its a pattern that they have developed...I saw years go by without an incident, then out of the blue bam something sets them off...do you really want to live with that fear?
You let go of who you are, because someone else has problems..the day I stopped and said I'm not living like this, is the day I really saw the anger, but aside from the fear, there was peace inside of me - my clue that I was doing what was right.
Dont feel guilty if you decide to turn and walk away... break ALL contact, turn and start to walk..one foot in front of the other, this will all be a distant memory some day.
BUT, learn from this time in your life, you have also created a pattern of how you teach and allow others to treat you. | |
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Deco45
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Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 61 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 7:04:10 AM | Run don't walk away from this individual. Words are cheap and unless there is proof and you can put him to the test, don't go back with him. Plus if he scares you, that component will always be there. If you are afraid of him or if you cannot trust him, then go find yourself someone who is good to you and does not need anger management.
My ex got angry and decided that it was ok to strike a woman as long as you didn't draw blood. It was just anger to begin with too. Just a word of caution for you. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 7:06:02 AM | ^^ Clever boy, Random Entry. The OP ex DID develop a problem associated the the HOXA homeobox genetic element. Its found in bone, among other tissues. It controls both bone development and bone repair. Nice, I spent quite a bit of time researching that little tidbit, a while ago. Excess HOXA expression has indeed been linked to that ratio between index and middle finger length, more in women than in men.
Its tied loosely to athleticism in women and men, due to HOXA's primary expression inducer: steroids (and glucocorticoids, like stress hormone). They are leaner and have larger and more dense bones than their HOXA-normal counterparts.
Of course, this is WAY off topic. But, you know...he did develop bone cancer.
Now, much more to the point:
This man has a very common methylation problem. And where is this methylation-deficient issue play its hand via the HOXA homeobox (a gene that controls the activation of many other genes)??
Oh - that would be the brain. And its been mapped to the genes that encode for the "activating" neurochemicals that cause...anger. Also poor socialization, and isolationist type behaviors.
In fact, the connections are so FRAKKING elegant, I thought I may as well bring it up.
You see, one does lead to the other. And our OPs ex, he has purposed childhood anxiety and anger behavioral issues. Think of it as a mild form of autism, which its not...but more of a precursor condition.
The OPs ex's bad chemistry lurked, from childhood on, waiting for additional damage (the car accidents) and the coupe d' gra: excess interpersonal stress.
So, if the OP would please ask her BF if he has the following:
Buzzing in ears. Sees motion that is not there, out the corner of the eyes.
Then we will have firm symptom confirmation, useful insight that the neurologist will need for his diagnostic scans.
Oxdrover: I am NOT advocating that the OP get back together with her ex. He must get healthy again and that is not trivial. His socialization issues much be addressed, much as you would treat an autistic child - same types of supplements, dietary and behavioral modifications. A slow process. The OP can point this out to his family and to her ex, an altruistic and empathetic gesture.
What we are giving the OP is a plausible technical explanation and perhaps, closure. She deserves it, eh? She is a good woman who has been treated badly. But she needs to understand that that there is MUCH MORE behind what has happened than mere poorly controlled anger. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 7:54:58 AM | Whatever the problem "Sweet" is going through with her b/f...be it a hit in the head or a mental disorder, it still isn't a good situation for SweetElizabeth to put herself into. Without a complete extensive physical and mental workup, we have no right to give an opinion as to "why" he is so angry and jealous.
To try to evaluate someone on here, when he isn't in therapy with you is futile. None of us really know why he is so angry and abusive...although at this point, only verbally. Yes, it could be a physical problem like a hit in the head due to his accidents but it could also be a mental problem...No one can really say...due to speculations because of his past car accidents or otherwise.
What the OP must do to protect herself...whatever the medical outcome is...is to stay away from him...PERIOD! Let him and his family handle this situation...it isn't your problem anymore. The closure was when you got smart and kicked him out. It isn't your fault, whatever his problems are. YOUR safety is FIRST! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:06:58 AM | OP most therapist will be happy to tell you that while a person is in therapy that it is a very bad time to try to restart a relationship. The person in therapy needs to focus on the therapy not on the relationship.
Likely it is to just suck you back into the relationship so the cycle can start again. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:11:47 AM | Be glad he is gone, just hope it is for good........... it may take awhile to get rid of him, but for your own sake, do not let him back into your home........... you have been controlled long enough by this guy............parting is such sweet sorrow!!!!!!  | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:20:21 AM | Liz;
There are many reasons people get angry, and I don't know enough about the guy to tell you. I'm told I'm "mild-tempered" myself, and would rarely consider getting violent (only under extreme provocation), such as throwing a glass against a wall. I might spit the drink out, if someone told me something shocking or infuriating...LOL.
You might consider sitting in on his counseling sessions, if you're afraid. It really does work! It's called "anger management," and it's just that. It's never the fact of whether or not someone becomes angry, it's how they handle it. It seems he was becoming progressively worse (and I'm afraid you're right, he may have become violent, eventually), and it took driving you away to get him to see it. Counseling may be just the thing, if you really think it could work out but for his temper. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 8:47:49 AM | OPie, these folks might be right. The odds are with them, anyway, if only because it is unusual for a person to change deliberately and for the better. At the same time, some men do overcome these dysfunctions and change their behavior permanently. I know a couple of them. I also know their women, who have two qualities in abundance. They are both patient and compassionate in their loving attention, and they both have zero tolerance for bullsh1t. In short, they have strong characters and clear minds. They are equal to the challenge of a man struggling with his demons.
Are you that strong? That patient? That clear about assuring your own safety? It's at least possible. I note that you threw him out before things got physical. That speaks well for your instincts for self-preservation. These guys only escalate when their partners forgive and excuse.
I suppose the most prudent thing anyone can say about your situation is that guarantees are not possible. If you give him a chance, your rules have to be clear, specific, and allow no exceptions. Even then, he could blow it. Is the better outcome worth the risk of the worse outcome? There's your question.
I'm moved to observe that some of the folks telling you to RUN, that he will NEVER CHANGE, are the same folks who say elsewhere that there is a soulmate for everyone. An interesting contradiction that I dispose of by asserting neither of those statements is true. Some do change, even some of the worst. And 'soulmate' is a silly idea.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:03:19 AM | You did the best thing to boot him out.
Personally I'm dumbfound why a person would waste so much time and energy on anger.
As for counseling anger management, its a waste of time, at present a family member sent her partner to counseling the only results is that the O.P.P. is on speed dial,
I myself confronted him regarding this matter, I informed him 0 tolerance regarding domestic abuse. at the end he just shrugged it off,
So my warning to him "touch her and out come my handcuffs, he knows there real and registered, never thought I may have to use them outside of the field of law enforcement I was in prior to relocating to London. | |
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carby
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Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 69 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:18:28 AM | | I dont know thats a difficult one...I personaly think no..I was with this girl before,the girl who i would of spent the rest of my days with but i messed it up with my anger problems...I was never ever violent towards her but i dont think you have to be violent to make someone feel scared..im deeply ashamed of how i spoke to her,calling her insulting names,you know the ones..i now know it is because i was insecure and jealous which is a dead cert for reationship death..i hope i could be diffrent in any future relationships but i would have to sort my own stuff out first..were mates now and we can have a laugh but deep down im well gutted..if i was you elizabeth id just be cautious...please dont judge me im just telling you my opionion..Wayne.. | |
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ponie
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Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 70 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:32:29 AM | When one gets help for a problem, to save a job, or relationship, it just gets covered up as long as everything stays good! Once there is another issue that seems out of place old behavior will return! Nothing will ever be the same after one feels fearful for there own safety.
You will always be worried about doing something that just may trigger a fit of rage. So to speak you will feel like you have to walk on egg shells. Is that the life you want to live?
Just go... | |
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 71 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 11:14:40 AM | | I’ve had two similar experiences. You’re right to get out. I’m not optimistic about the chances of a successful reconciliation in circumstances like these. I agree with those folks who have said he needs help that you can’t give him before you even think about getting back together. That may take years. You should probably talk to someone too, Sweet Elizabeth. Experiences like that can be pretty traumatic. As the poster just below me said, you’re going to have to learn to trust again - whether it’s your ex or someone else. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 11:56:04 AM | You said
"It baffles me that he can be so charming and well liked by everyone, and then turn around and be a complete beast with me. I know people don't believe me. I can see it in their eyes."
In the end it is not them that have to live with this person. A true friend will trust your judgement and support your decision. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 12:32:12 PM | | I'll cut this close and straight in... Guess it is more along the lines of my blunt side but... CUT HIM LOOSE. Care or not, love or not, don't put yourself into a situation where you are at risk. I grew up in a household very like this. A woman who calls herself a mother constantly taking back the guy over and over again no matter how afraid she was or how much his temper got away from him and we as kids paid for it. Do not put your life on the line like that.. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:30:53 PM | I was in a potentially abusive relationship with a very angry man for three years. Here's my story...
I had offered to buy my bf his birthday dinner one night, so we went to the restaurant of his choice. We were talking about the upcoming football season for his son's high school (he was in the marching band), and I mentioned a couple of his acquaintances that made me very uncomfortable when we sat with them, and so I asked him if we could not sit next to them this year. Simple request. We weren't even 1/4 mile away from my house when he slams on the brakes in the middle of the street (potentially dangerous to cars behind him), puts his face 3 inches from mine and starts yelling at me. Now, ok, perhaps what I said upset him. But.....I can't even count on my hands how many times he slammed my friends and would not hang out with them. AND, I probably should have mentioned to you all that I had had bunion surgery two weeks prior, which means I basically had my left foot sawed in half and broken, which means a lot of pain, which means my foot was throbbing that night and I was not in a good mood, but yet I was willing to swallow my pain and buy said ***hole his dinner. I cried quietly for the rest of the journey to the restaurant (for the first few seconds I was scared, then the anger came and never let up), complete silence by me during dinner. To make matters worse, said ***hole does not pay for his dinner, which to me a real man would have because he would have realized he made a mistake. Complete silence by me on the trip home, which causes said ***hole to literally throw my crutches in the back of his truck, which leaves me completely defenseless in case he tries to break something else on my body. He pulls up to the drive, I get out, hobbling on my crutches, open the door, he walks inside the door. I lightly brush my closed lips across his.
My last words to ***hole (before I broke up with him through an email)..........."Goodbye" and I hobble back to my room, crutches 'thumping' on the floor. Someone left a message here on this board about that moment of clarity. It hit me in the head and practically knocked me on the floor that night. lol
Run, never look back. I have bumped into him on occasion and he pretends like nothing had ever happened. Everyone else had the problem because 'they were pissing him off'. Well, ya, but he was the one that needed to handle things differently. The scary thing for me (besides him lol) was that his son had been his emotional punching bag for 18 years. Once he left for college, who do you think would've become the next bag? This guy you're with, will never change, and even with counseling, if he's not lying about that just to tell you what you want to hear to manipulate you into going back with him, doesn't take the anger away. It just helps in controlling it.
Keep the faith, and be careful. There are some monsters out there. There is no excuse for a man (or woman) to completely blow up and scare you, whatever made him/her angry. That's just unforgivable. (((((HUGS))))) | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:44:38 PM | Sounds like he has some sort of a chemical imbalance. Therapy is always good but he could certainly use some medication. My advice would be to be afraid, be very afraid and stay away from him. Your intuition is already leading you in the right direction. Trust that!
There are a few leopards that can change their spots but most never do.
Your playing with fire here. What if he says he has changed and hasn't? You could get hurt. Be Careful | |
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