| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:09:29 PM | Hello Liz,
I too have had anger in my life and have learned how to better deal with it. A lot of it may have been the way he grew up...insecurity or other issues.
May I say the fact that he broke a glass and did not take it any further is a sign that he does have restrant, maybe not as much as you would have, non the less...it was there. To me that is a sign that you do not need to fear him hurting you. I too have done the same thing and I never hurt another human being even when I felt they were egging it on...
just my $.02,
Rick | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:13:48 PM | | For me, that is not a risk I am willing to take. I have a young child involved and he does not need the stress involved with that type of situation and neither do I. Maybe he is getting better, but we all can slip back to our old ways if not constantly working on it. It may be a daily struggle for him. I wouldn't want to be there on the days the battle is not one he is prepared to tackle. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/18/2007 12:05:21 AM | | OP: Anger, like weeping, is a form of protest. Maybe he had something worth protesting... In our feminist age, no one wants to mitigate conditions that necessitate male anger. It's far easier to scapegoat, imprison, obfuscate, and deny. It's blasphemy to suggest diverting resources and attention from women's unending needs. Mental health clinics typically have a cornucopia of programs for women, most of them designed to shift responsibility for bad female behavior from clients onto others. These same clinics usually have one program for men -- anger management. Meet the New Boss, same as the Old Boss. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/22/2007 5:24:13 AM | | I know people like this and you should just move on with your life. If your a sweet person, then you deserve a sweet guy. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/22/2007 5:33:03 AM | I am not trying to sound critical, but you have to understand that a person like that is not easily changed. He obviously has other issues he is not sharing with you, and for him to show violent tendencies toward you such as you listed, I would stay clear away from this person. There is a pattern that is developing and it is getting worse.
I am sure that this man is a good person, but if he can't keep his emotions in check then he will never be any good for you. There should never be a moment when you fear your own safety from you're "equal" and "life partner".
I wish you good luck and be strong.  | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/22/2007 8:27:27 AM | Yea well what I did was get rid of the mouthy, sarcastic, smart mouthed, condescending women in my life that was far more interested in winning EVERY argument , and duty bound to make her point, no matter how long it took , or how underhanded she was in making her point , than to communicate and understand one another. I haven’t had an anger prob since.
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/22/2007 9:30:32 AM | To the original poster, since no one else asked you an obvious question, I will.
What on earth makes you want to stay with, work things out with, or spend your precious time trying to fix, an a**hole?
There are good, caring, non-a**hole men in this world, waiting for someone to care for, and about, the right way. But they'll never be open to knowing you. if you're wasting your life all distracted and miserable, obsessing over an a**hole.
Wish I could go back and retrieve the time I've wasted doing exactly what you're doing. And a lot of others will agree with me. So do us all, and yourself a favor?
Spend life, time and energy pursuing a good relationship with a good person instead. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/22/2007 9:40:19 AM | My ex was a fiercely competitive, violent person. As mentioned above in post #3, I think, it was acting out, a symptom, not the problem.
This went on for about 15 years, she couldn't stand in when I wouldn't get sucked into the abyss with her and instead combatted her arguments with logic, which only served to enrage her more.
Until he addresses the problem, not the symptom, the situation's not likely to improve. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/24/2007 12:48:10 PM | Oh Yea I forgot to ask,
Is there a "NAG Factor" in here?...Seems to be so left out that it does not exist. 
Am I the only person that notices this on POF? Or in real life?
Rick | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 7/24/2007 1:48:26 PM | Sweet Elizabeth! I don't know how long this post has been up so I'm just going to respond to your origional question. I have changed my life in the past few years and I have to say that I was a bad man. I was a bad boyfriend, husband, lover, and person. I changed because of me, because I finally saw that I was the problem in all my failures. You cannot believe how many times I acted exactly like the guy in your question. Unfortunately I have something worse to tell you here. He's cheating. The pushing you away slightly, then anger, then accusations of cheating.....all tell tale signs that he's feeling really bad inside about something he's done. I'm not a fortune teller, and I could be wrong. If you truly care about him then you need to understand that it's probably not your fault and that you probably cannot change him. He's got to see his faults and change on his own. It was the only way I could ever truly become a better person. Being forced to work on my anger by outsiders never worked. I always resented those who saw and diagnosed my problems better than I could. Good luck.
Jay | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 3:26:42 AM | Had a g/f who went the same way, started off fine, then got the jealousy, screaming etc
have even stopped hanging out with my friends as much because he was beginning to feel ignored
Being in therapy isn't going to change him straight away, maybe not for a few years, & you'll both have the memories of his previous actions. If you can live without him, that would be better - if you can't, then (as always) its your choice | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 6:16:57 AM | | Don't believe the hype!! Was married to a woman with anger issues. Found out she hated men! The situation never got better, went to counseling, church, etc.. These are deepseated issues that need years of treatment and the person has to want to become a better person. Don't shoot until you see the white of their eyes! | |
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NadiaS
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Joined: 1/12/2007
Msg: 139 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 10:08:46 AM | | You will make your own decision in the end but I'll tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'd leave. Yes, people can and sometimes DO change but that change doesn't happen overnight. It takes a LONG time for someone to work through and deal with issues such as anger and the underlying causes. Those issues don't develop overnight, they are usually the product of many years and experiences and they will not disappear overnight either. I believe he needs to work though it on his own and with family and/or friend support...not yours. If he does change, then good for him and he can move on to find someone else to start fresh with. But for you...it's very hard to let go of that fear once it's been sparked in you. Very hard. It's like a knee jerk reaction. I speak from experience, the details of which I don't care to get into here but if you want to message me about it, feel free. All the best to you. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:17:03 AM | Liz,
After reading some of the replies in here i must say a few things.
First of all YOU CANNOT change a person,...But a person CAN change with the right help.
Once a week i help men who have been verbally,..mentally and phyiscally abusive to their SO. I have heard horror stories that would make you cringe.
Being abusive is a LEARNED behavior,..most likely your man was abused by his father or watched his father be abusive and controling to his mother.
When i read a post from a guy saying that he had some restraint because he threw a glass at the wall and not at you,..I almost fell out of my chair.
The wall represented you,..basicly that was a warning,..telling you that if you dont do what I say than the next time the glass is going to go upside your head.
When he got in your face and was screaming at you ,...thats the start of what we call the drill sgt syndrom. Drill Sgt's mentally and verbally abuse you to break you down so they can mold you into a soldier. Well thats what he was doing to you,...breaking you down so he can control you more.
When he called you a whore,...he was trying to make you feel worthless,..thus makeing him feel as tho you need him.
When you said that you wasnt spending time with your friends anymore and spending all your time with him because he felt ignored.
He may have been feeling ignore,...but my bet is that he used that line to keep you close to him,...the closer you are to him the more he can control you.
I am glad to hear that he is in therapy,..And admiting that he was an ***hole is a good sign. But you have to understand that he is gonna need more than a couple weeks to turn his life around.
Being a Abusive person is alot like being an acholic,...your can take the steps to change your life,..but it just takes that one drink and your back on the wagon,..with that in mind it just takes one heated situation and he could snap.
You say that your afraid,....yet you care for him,..and if wasnt for his anger issues you wouldnt want to be with anyone else.
Sounds like your willing to forgive him,....But let me ask you this,..Are you willing to Forget?
I hope not
Please think about this very carefully before you make a choice.
Take Care You | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:22:13 AM |
Are there any guys out there who've had anger issues and managed to change their ways?
Nope. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:31:55 AM | Sorry i forgot to say this
When I said that I work with guys once a week,..I forgot to mention the program.
Its called M.E.D.V. Men Ending Domestic Violence.
Feel Free to look it up.
And Elizabeth,..if you have more questions or concerns feel free to email me,..I will be happy to try and help
Take Care you | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 12:14:40 PM | While many may not want to believe this, there are plenty of women with anger problems, too. Unfortunately for me, I married one and found out about it nearly six years into our marriage of 11 years. This isn't a pity thread, it's for information and may amplify the point.
At first it started out with conversations that turned into snide comments. I just shrugged them off. Then came the abusive comments, emotionally abusive. Then I remember feeling betrayed. Then the disdain and contemptuous comments. The looks of disgust and revulsion. At that point I had stayed there for four more years "for the kids." During one confrontation, I told her that I'd come back in 15 minutes, after she's had a time to calm down. She ran after me and grabbed me at the elbow at a pressure point, and nearly had me to my knees in pain. Yes, the next day there was a huge bruise.
One day, after enduring criticism about how poorly I had painted the house--I did the entire upstairs with vaulted ceilings and interesting architectural "features"--she demanded that I finish the job; it was 11 p.m. and I had to get up for work the next day. I told her that I'd do it tomorrow...she pushed me down on the bed, placed her knee on my chest and somehow had managed to refrain from placing her quivering hands around my throat. During the upcoming weekend, I packed my things and left.
Leave them. There's a life of happiness ahead of you. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 8:31:14 PM | | People don't change, it's just another game, I wouldn't be going there again if I was u. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 10:23:35 PM |
I began to feel afraid of him. Not good, in fact a potential very bad moon rising.
Sadly enough I had some anger issues way back when. Like snapping expensive pool ques after bad tournaments. Having to get payback when "cut off" in traffic by returning the favor. Over arguing with ex's, nothing physical though. Had to lay it down though in my early 30's. Negative energy is so bad for the soul. My nickel, anyone in a similar position should proceed with extreme caution. You're starting a race in the back of the pack....not a good spot. GL. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:01:04 PM | When you get to the heart of what you really want, what is it Liz?
You said you really cared for him and if it weren't for his anger, you wouldn't want anyone else.
Do you want the anger to somehow go away? The chances of that happening are probably next to non-existent. No one who has lost their inhibitions around displaying their anger like that can go back to having any self-control whatsoever. Instead, they have to lose their anger completely and it's just not going to happen. My guess is it will probably take him until he is in his 50's, if ever.
Do you really want to wait around for him until he gets rid of all of those nasty emotions? Or live a dramatic life, and experience negative emotions on a daily basis?
Or do you want to have a different life for yourself? What kind of relationship do you want to have with someone? Think of the happiness, and the peace, and the contentment you could have with someone who is supportive of you and loves you with all of his heart and soul. Gives you a whole different feeling, doesn't it? | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:29:07 PM | | sounds like you might need a little time in a support group , to help work thur the fear you have had to go thru, that sort of emotion take time to go away too, don't concern yourself with his getting well which probably isn,t going to happen, take care of you, and invest in a good 36in hickory baseball bat in case it isn't over yet ! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/10/2007 5:40:07 AM | | IF, he's telling the truth and is in counselling, and you need to verify this, then my take is you give him a shot. But make it very clear to him that he's had strike two, strike three and you're out. Therapy, counselling is a wonderful tool. I had alot of anger issues I discovered when I first got sober some 17 years ago, and I did over two years of counselling and learned how to manage my anger. Verify he's telling you truthfully though. That's very important. And make absolutely certain that he makes his appointments, and shows you proof of that. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/10/2007 9:24:25 AM | Run Forrest Run
There are rooms made of rubber for people like him
leopards don't change their spots even with 10 bottles of xanax a day | |
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