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bosoxx
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Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 176 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/19/2007 8:48:23 AM | | Really tough question! I would say first,look into the sincerety of him changing.Look,we have all had problems.Those of us smart enough to realize it,make an effort to change and grasp change says something about our character. I myself as a younger person had anger issues but realized at somepoint something had to be done.It wan't my "fault" I had these issues.They were an environmntal product and I wasn't given tools that I knew how to use to constructively deall.Once I got the tools and was taught how to use them I became empowered and improved as a human bieng.So the issue is really about his maturity,honesty w/himself and ability to make effective change. If he is sincere and truly realizes what he needs,he might be worh a shot,If not......RUN! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/19/2007 9:31:32 AM | [My question is this: He's out of my life, but calls and says he realizes he's an ***hole and that he's into therapy and determined to get it together. He wants me to take him back. ]
One of the best things to make people change their unacceptable behaviour is a consequence, one that impacts.
His consequence is losing you, maybe through his therapy and his loss for you he can become secure with himself thus secure with loved ones. and he can find the root of his problem.
If you really care about him, let him go and grow up. if you take him back, it negates the consequence of your boundry of zero tolerance for abuse. Maintaining healthy relationships occasionally requires confrontation. Saying no when the other party wants to hear yes. If you have not been confronting and now find yurself being controlled and manipulated, it is your responsiblility to not let the abuse to continue.
And this is difficult to change. Abusive people can only abuse if it is enabled. I looked up the definition of abuse in the dictionary, and it defined abuse as being taken advantage of. and the only way I know how not to be abused is to set my boundries, communicate and when there is a borderline crossing, zero tolerance. How you handle executing zero tolerance is for you to think about. the first step is to express your boundry, not all have the same standards and values. define your values and standards and what do you want in your life.
Note that abused people unless healed repeat the pattern, and sometimes, because bad habits are hard to kick, it is best to keep your fond memories of that relationship, as it is easier to let go if you can love someone for their own journey in learning, and your experiences with you to the next relationship so that you can eventually have a healthy relationship for yourself and give to the other.
Somehow, a partner expressing an apology by stating he was an ***hole, woudnt cut it for me. My ex eventually expressed his apology by stating he was sorry, and that he made a mistake, and that he should have stayed married to me. This was over a period of 15 years. And it was only a few years ago, that with his second wife, and holes being punched through the walls, I was able to communicate with him (as we have kids that we parent and love) that this was not acceptable behaviour, did he finally realize that this reactive behaviour was unacceptable.
If your ex is taking a step towards changing, maybe just maybe in the mourning of the loss for you will expediate his ability to transform his behaviour.
The most you can offer to him, and only after you have set your own boundries to your self for no physical intimacy, is encouragement and support through his transition. I firmly believe that if you love someone that in the event of the breakdown of the spousal relationship, you can become friends. this takes love, effort and patience for both parties. I know that the only difference in my relationship with my ex husband is that we dont have sex. And when I need his support in anything he takes time for me. and his second wife, offers the same to me. Maybe this incredible ending to my saga will give some interesting value to your question. But I am lucky to have a friend in my ex husband, and that if I were to perish or some other tragic misfortune, he would grieve for me as I for him, and for all that are in our blended family. I also continue to give encouragement and support my ex husband in any of his trials and tribunes in his life.
But we would never have had this if I didnt have a zero tolerance to abusive behaviour.
and he became successful at communicating his frustrations better in his new relationship as well as with me.
All the best to you,
Betti | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/19/2007 12:06:42 PM | Dear Sweet Elizabeth,
You will never, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever, etc........ change a person's character - he just managed to hide it for a short while and in my many years of experience, it will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS come back - therapy or not. You are better off out of it and you should never take him back. Make the effort to meet someone more balanced, even if less exiting - but a LOT safer.....
TRUST ME ....... don't listen to the pseudo psychologists - I'd really hate to hear about another lovely lady being battered - leave it to the "experts" and move on while you have the chance..... | |
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sddude
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Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 179 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/19/2007 2:09:59 PM | GUYS after 21 rarely change no matter how many women want to change them , women are initially attracted to those weenies initially, good thing the relationship did not go farther , Why women are not sweet opn sweet guys like me initially ? only after they got beaten up by someone else , bnever try to change the man , , just look for the good one.
Thise bad guys always have a way to create attraction, even if they look like joe dirt. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 8/22/2007 3:10:51 PM | | Awright, I swore I would never engage in the banters on these Forum sites. But this is one topic I am going to have to say something. Girl, RUN!!!! You got Him out of the House and You still allow yourself to be placed in Danger by communicating with Him? So many times, too many to list. Women stay with abusers for Money, for the Kids, whatever. Sometimes They kill their Abusers, check the News..Most abused are the ones who get killed. Do You want to take a chance? You know it's great that He is getting help. What about You? Why are You attracted to this Man? Are You seeking the answers as to why You would be attracted to someone who is violent, and that You admit You are fearful of? And believe Me, You will always seek out and be attracted to these Males until You get help. The place to start is the Family of Origin. The time to start is now before You allow another one in. Your healing and recovery starts the moment You choose. Abusers don't change! That includes Men and Women(sorry girls)...Gender or Sexual preference does not make any difference. Once an Abuser always an Abuser. If You disagree chances are You are an Abuser. I don't care if it's Mental, Verbal, Sexual, and of course Physical Abuse. I see alot of it here in these Forums with all the hatebashing You really can spot who is abusive and who is not. My only opinion here is that You seek help for Yourself. Who cares what He is doing! It's over, let it be. Take some time to find Yourself, it's okay to be alone and do the work to improve Yourself. Your worth it! Don't Ya think? | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:30:20 PM | | Anger issues are rarely isolated. They often accompany self-esteem issues and control issues. Since I don't know this particular individual, I don't know if it applies to him. He may not feel good about himself, so he finds pleasure in manipulation, or feels a need to control someone he claims to love. Don't delude yourself by thinking everything else would be wonderful without the anger. Remember the name of this site...there really are plenty of fish, and no one, NO ONE has to tolerate anger issues when looking for love. If you are capable of loving, you should find someone who deserves to be loved and who deserves you. Cast your line in a different part of the pond and find you a real catch. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:39:58 PM | Okay, this is just my opinion. But I watched my best friends boyfriend's behavior start out like this, within a couple of months he was hitting her and threatening her and ended up really messing her up.
She would kick him out, and he would beg her to take him back, say he was a jerk but he loved her. He said he was in counselling and was working through his problems. She said she loved him and she would take him back.
It finally took a trip to the hospital for a broken cheek bone and many cuts and bruises before she realized that he was abusing her.
My advice to you would be to run the other way, you definatly don't need that in your life.
Take a look on the web at the first signs of abuse, you might be surprised at how many boxes he ticks. Good luck. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/2/2007 1:43:18 PM | | I would make it a requirement that he goes into counseling before he even thinks about calling you again. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/2/2007 2:30:05 PM | I've taken part in anger management and rehap programs. There can be some beneficial results but they are dependant on a number of variables. A few of them are:
1) Is the participant a willing volunteer or are they being forced into it?
2) Do they believe they have a problem and need help or are they simply trying to appease a loved one?
3)How open are they to discussing their problem and how truthful will they be to those leading the sessions? Anger is simply the fruit or consequence of the real problem. Will he have the fortitude to go where he must and do the things he must to change what is the compilation of a lifetime of hurt and unhealthy thinking?
4) Are the sessions one on one, in group or combination of both?
5) Is there a spiritual aspect to the healing?
6) Whatever type of course he takes it will take sometime for genuine change to occur. And by some time I'm talking a bare minimum of one year. There will be some slip ups on the way. Are you willing to stand by him given this knowledge.
My two cents:
In my opinion few people are ever succesful at willing themselfs better. It takes more then selfwill, desire and sound teaching to change ones character. Many will dissagree, but for what it's worth my experience is that only those people who turn their trust over to God end up making a true change in character and personality. I'd rate him a poor chance of succes if he's unwilling to seek spiritual growth and change. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/3/2007 1:29:36 PM | | I'm in counselling right now working on anger, anxiety and depression issues. I DO get angry, not just around family, but around people who I don't know. It COULD almost be anywhere. I've avoided worrying about getting into a relationship because of these issues, but realized that many married couples actually help each other out. I suppose it depends on how much YOU yourself can tolerate of your partner's anger. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/3/2007 1:55:46 PM | | I have known angry guys before and it goes back to how they were raised most cant help it and dont know why they do it. I would stay away from that kind of behavior because one day he could hit you and you dont want to put yourself in that postion. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/10/2007 7:17:47 PM | Anyone with anger management issues is going to need a long time in therapy to sort things out and most just don't go. It is closely related to the expression of depression in men. Given the way that many men are socialized, anger is often the unconscious or conscious reaction to feelings that may not be easily defined or labeled.
I've dealt with them on personal and professional levels in my work as a nurse.
Just like with any change a person has to want it to happen. That might mean psychological counseling, digging into the past, taking medications, meditating... a lot of life changes.
It won't happen overnight. Why wait around and be a punching bag or, worse yet, get seriously injured or killed because someone isn't willing or able to control the physical expression of their pain or rage?
I like to see how a man treats women in general, his mom or sisters in particular, note how he deals with disappointments such as a poorly prepared meal, how he interacts with children. ALSO, how he drives. Follow your intuition.
All can give you a clue.
Sherry | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/10/2007 7:25:26 PM | | It seems he has growing issues and while its good of him to get help your relationship with him is over. The second a man introduces violence into a relationship it is broken for good. Going back and a 2nd chance is not an option for the two of you. Too many memories of the bad times. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/10/2007 9:51:26 PM | Sounds like an insecurity issue, not an anger issue. This might be why counselling/treatment is so often ineffective...they teach anger management when anger isn't really the problem, but the symptom. Then again, maybe he has a more enlightened therapist.
I don't know of any guys who get angry to the point of violence and who have managed to change. They may be out there, but I don't know any. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:14:36 AM | Tell him that you are happy he is getting help and MOVE ON!!! THEN, stop taking his calls.............. and have NC! Would it really be worth it, for even one relapse? Close your eyes..........remember what it felt like when the glass hit the wall. That will happen again, almost assuredly, at some point. Your face could be in front of it. So not worth it.
There are so many kind, loving, emotionally and mentally healthy men who would love the opportunity to meet you. Find one and relax into a good relationship. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:45:45 AM | I havent seen this one in my experiences, thankfully... well not rescently, anyway. One of my ex's is stuck with a guy who I'm afraid WILL hurt her like this right now, though. But I've seen SEVERAL good friends now ruin themselves by choosing a loser/slimeball to get herself attached to... as in there are two as I speak (one being an ex of mine) who may not be able to get out of it anymore.
Most of these are not violent, but all the same, I'm going to recomend getting out while you can. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 5:59:00 AM | I am not a man but thought I would reply to this post anyway.
In the past I had a relationship with a man with anger issues. I thought he would never hit or hurt me and we had a child so I stayed. End result I was in a coma for two weeks and in the hospital for a total of 30 days due to his attack.
I did learn my lesson and as a result became a psych major.
You need to look deeper, were there indications of the problem prior to the outburst? Does he go from one extreme to the other, loving and kind then a temper display? It could be he suffers from bi-polar disorder. Therapy will help but do not be an enabler. If he threatened you in the past he will do it again. Run baby run. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 7:43:38 AM | If he is trying therapy then good for him, if you really wanted to see him then maybe date him only do not live together until you are sure he has changed.
You should never live in fear of anyone, much alone the person you love, not good for you or him.
If you don't want him back then just be friends, or cut all contact. | |
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| "anger" = an EXCUSE & control mechanism
Posted: 9/11/2007 7:51:20 AM | don't 'walk' away..RUN!
this is SUCH BS, guys who say they "can't control their anger" when really it is carefully calculated to control and intimidate people... try to lower their self-esteem.
you will learn to "walk on eggshells", careful about everything you say and do, lest you "set him off"
who wants to live like THAT? the guy is lying, it's a control technique..scream at you to make you feel small, then come back, "oh I'm so sorry", but eventually your self-esteem will be worn down and you'll be putty in his hands, under his control.
funny how almost all these guys with "uncontrollable" "anger issues" can blow their tops at a woman or smaller guy, yet if someone like Mike Tyson bothered them and egged them on, they CAN control it..too worried about possible physical consequences..
you are supposed to feel sorry for him , right? aww my mommy never showed me she loved me so I have 'anger issues'.
.ah, yes, they get SO good at parroting all the pop psychology "excuses" for being a "Grade-A" A-hole..
in the immortal words of Jodee Messina: "My Give-a-Damn is BUSTED".. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 7:55:52 AM | I know you directed your question to "the guys" but here's my take on the problem seeing as I always have a spare opinion laying around doing nothing.
As they say, anger is depression with a little more enthusiasm. Seeing as you have given him no reason to be angry with you, he might just be acting out to rid himself of his depression. It's good he's seeking therapy in any case. After he is well into treatment and if he still seeks another chance with you, why not give it to him on a trial basis. If you truly care about him, let him demonstrate what he has learned in therapy. This might just possibley turn into a "And they lived happily everafter" story. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 9:25:13 AM | Get an evaluation from the Therapist . .
They're honest . . !!!
Then T A L K with Him . .
Reach an understanding of Honesty and Fidelity . . !!!
If that can't be achieved . .
...' Here's yer Sign . . !!! ' | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 9:42:44 AM | Don't go back!!!!Guys like that NEVER change!!!!
I have seen so much of this stuff with friends and neighbors.....it NEVER ends.
Your situation with this guy sounds like a "typical read" from a domestic violence pamphlet. You managed to get rid of him...... so stay rid of him and consider yourself lucky it was so "easy". Some women end up dead!!!! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 9:45:19 AM | probably he is going to therapy just to "appease" you for a while
then once you relent and get back with him he will quit
and then revert to his old, usual controlling anger deal.. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 10:05:58 AM | Confucius say:
Taking dating advice from people on dating site longer than Year of the Dragon like taking financial advice from bum face-down in gutter. [sound of gong--a really BIG one] | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/11/2007 10:42:27 AM | probably he is going to therapy just to "appease" you for a while
Also, he could be going to PROVE he is getting help, when deep down, he thinks he is FINE. They all think they are fine. Wasn't everything always YOUR fault? Your fault he got mad? Your fault he had to throw the glass???
Been there done that. Not with violence, but with words and it's all the same. They are A OK, you have the problem, hence you deserve what they do/make them do it.
BS, it is BS.
Get away from this man, and do not look back!
VERY few people actually get help and do not regress. | |
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