| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 9/12/2007 9:29:03 AM | | Abusive men are manipulators they will say and do anything that they may think will get you back. I know I was married to one. As sad as it is they never change its in them its who they are and eventually the yelling and screaming and the putting you downs will get tiresome and they will kick it up a notch by physically harming you. And believe that will happen its only a matter of time. Move on with your life. Its funny because he is probably being sincere in his eyes and mind but again I will say it : He wont change! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/3/2007 10:24:22 PM | I was in love with, and lived with a man who angry at core. I never in fact in a two years ever had the big rage directed at me, but did observe it a few times: directed at the world at large. I did think about it, a bit. And decided I was cool with it: he never did damage to anyone or anything, just yelled. And he was a big man with a giant actor's voice. He was known in our circle of friends as the Angry Buddhist.
After his death, in talking with his wives and old girl friends, I discovered that I'd actually gotten quite a different man than they had. A man with 15 years of Buddhism behind him, and a couple of years of therapy. (Was still going while we were together.) Plus by then, he was a cancer survivor, and I know that that had taught him a great deal.
So ya, I think it is possible to change. And no, I don't think it's easy. If you can work it out, it might well be worth it. Only you know.
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/3/2007 10:27:07 PM | | Sounds like he was cheating on you. You might want to figure out what was missing that might send him somewhere else. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/4/2007 5:48:36 PM | I was in an abusive marriage with a perpetually angry man for many years. THEY do not change....it is either OK for them to be abusive or NOT OK for them to be abusive, and they learn this lesson very early in life. DO NOT STAY....DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF...and most of all, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.
I have learned since then that there are many men that can get angry without abuse...anger is not the issue, but abuse is! IF you are scared, there is a reason for it....it is a flight mechanism for self-preseveration . Listen to it...it took me too long and too many injuries to learn this tough lesson. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/4/2007 5:56:42 PM | Sweet,
this is just from my personal experience, but if the first year with him was 'great', and THEN the jealousy issues came up, I would lean towards explaining it as a guilty conscience. Past heartbreaks don't pop up after a year, without the questioned bringing it upon themselves. If that is not the case, I would say he was either cheating or heavily flirting with a co-worker, or woman he knows somehow, which triggered his jealous ways. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/4/2007 9:09:59 PM | | I don't have any experience with people who've had the jealousy anger issues, but I've seen some relationships with old fashioned anger issues, mostly non violent. Change is possible, but it's going to take a lot of work and dedication on their part, not to mention therapy. It's not really something you just say you want to stop and cold turkey. It's not anything to bet on, but it would be disingenuous to say it can't happen, but I wouldn't say it's the likely outcome. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:45:29 AM | NO!!!
taking him back would be a mistake i feel!
that is what is called a closet abuser, and they dont change..... | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:10:35 AM | | Why is anger such an issue? I've reviewed several threads here about [male] anger and in each case the anger itself is taken out of context, as if it were a distinct entity, treated as if it were devoid of circumstances that contributed to the arousal of anger. I guess some people just can't handle a guy with backbone? Listen, I'm NOT talking about smack-down violence, but the behavior that earns the label "anger." We really need to learn the distinction to have an intelligent discourse on anger. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 9:40:27 AM | Oddly enough Schadenfreudian, I've been thinking along similar lines in the last little while. Again, not talking about when self-control is lacking and the anger escalates into violence, but looking at the different expressions of negative emotions like anger.
What are the differences in the way women and men express anger? I am wondering if male expression of anger might get mis-labeled or misunderstood because it is expressed differently than women's anger. Is it labeled wrong because it is different? An analogy might be how some cultures speak louder and pitch their words differently which can sound angry in the ears of a person from a different culture.
Edit: The OP is gone so it might be appropriate to discuss the differences in anger in this thread rather than starting a new one. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:14:34 AM | | U DID SOMETHING WRONG .AND DONT TRY TO BLAME IT ON HIM .AND LET ME GUESS YOU HAVE GUY FRIENDS AND YOU GET ALONG BETTER WITH GUYS THAN GIRLS ,AND YOUR A FLIRT AROUND YOUR MAN .WELL HE GOT SICK OF YOUR SHIT .SOME GIRLS HERE ARE WHORES AND ARE SO DUMB THEY DONT KNOW THERE DOING IT . A GUY JUST SNAP LIKE THAT UNLESS THERES SOMETHING GOING ON .MAYBE YOU DIDNT CHEAT ON HIM .MAYBE THINGS THAT YOU THINK ARE OK ,BUT NOT TO HIM .WHEN IM WITH SOMEONE AND GET INTO SOMETHING BAD ,I ALWAYS THINK HOW MY OTHER WOULD FEEL .GOOD LUCK ! | |
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notard
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Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 211 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:15:09 AM | | Since I got divorced and started dating 13 years ago I have run into many, many angry women. I steer clear of them, give them a wide birth. I do not need an angry person of either sex in my life. | |
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| HIJACKED THREAD - EXPRESSING ANGER, BY SEX
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:38:40 AM | As Margo suggested, what are the differences in the way men and women express anger? Yes, yes...not everyone in the same sex expresses themselves in exactly the same manner...we already know that sex groups are not monolithic. Yet, there may be some clear distinctions between the sexes in anger-expression that may be a reason why so many women are asking about male anger.
To quote Mike Myers' Barbara Richman, "Discuss!" | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:51:08 AM | b afraid 4 sure
hes CONTROLLING thus u saying u stay away from ur friend s already
thats WHAT abusers do they alienate u FIRST from friends n family so no one knows and thus creating a lil world for u two and he can MANIPULATE from within
its step by step process
n he was gettin u RIGHT where he wanted u and u were TOO smart u kicked em to the curb
u CAN care but from a DISTANCE
kathi | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/5/2007 10:55:02 AM | | I'm one of those people that talks about what's bothering him if he's upset so I have no idea about people with anger issues. My opion is this though, it's part of them, it can't easliy be changed, if at all. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/20/2007 2:53:20 PM | Tell him you are glad he's getting the help he needs but you aren't his therapist. So coming back isn't a option. And I am betting that if his therapist is worth a lick of salt, they won't be telling him to get re involved or involved till he has his crap together.
My father was a hitter. He only stopped when I told him if he touched me again, he'd be in jail. Did he ever hit my mother, not that I can remember.
Everything I know of someone that goes off on a person like that is they never stop, they don't change without some serious assistance to do so, and they have to WANT to do it.
You need to figure out what is right for you. We can all tell you what we think about the whole business but, the decision falls into your lap to do with it as you choose. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 10/20/2007 3:18:03 PM | | The guy sounds like anger is not his major issue? Males have a different way of expressing anger, woman often are the passive aggressive, they release their anger through other forms of behavior then venting anger. I have heard many women complain that their x husbands were checked out, keeping their anger bottled up. In a healthy relationship both men and women communicate in real time when they have issues resolving them in the process. Your case raises questions, was your husband physically abusive? Did he use very hurtful words? What made you fearful? Was he from an abusive family? What was the anger all about? For normal people getting past anger is usually, understanding then coping with or resolving what made them angry. One other question, any chance the guy was on steroids? I'm sorry about your loss. | |
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