| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 5:13:43 PM | | Good call randall. I have never cheated and I can say that I never will. This is because I know me, I know who I am, I know what kind of man that I am. If one enters into a situation that they even think about it, they need to stop and reevaluate the relationship that they are in. My last girlfriend told me that she had cheated on her ex, he had hurt her and she wanted to hurt him back, she was not strong enough to just pack her bags and leave, she wanted him to regret what he had done. She was not evil and was very loving in the relationship that she had with me. Our jobs had taken us in different directions and we agreed to part on good terms, it was painful for both of us. No, not all cheaters are evil, but I would expect it to terminate a relationship, hell, I would expect a relationship to be terminated before an action like that was taken. Why cause another, one that you are supposed to love, such a pain as that. To me it is not an acceptable action. Why blame it on others, why blame in on situations, why make excuses for what one knows is wrong. Anyone that cheats is a coward, and they know it. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 8:40:39 PM | | I have never cheated on anyone !!! as I would not like anyone to cheat on me...Ironically my ex-husband used this site for over a year before he left me! He lists himself as single and can never take the woman out in the evening or weekends becuase that's when he was with me...he has moved out to be with someone else, insists that he's getting his head together and that I should wait for him and he hasn't moved on (LOL)...bit that is only through text messages or messages through here!! Can you believe this? It still hurts when I get messages from him and when he does call he leaves a message so sweet sounding and teary that it makes me want him back right now! My question is? Does this sound a little fishy to anyone else, like it does to me? And how could someone not have seen it coming? Any answers for me people?? I can't stand dishonest/cheats...thx for your time | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 8:44:37 PM | | WHEN I m with 1 guy I am FAITHFUL TO HIM IF I decide there is a desire to not be with just him I break it off-why cheat? | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 9:06:57 PM | If someone is going to cheat they will. Men and women differ when it comes to the reasons of cheating. Men will cheat for the sheer fact just to see if they can get away with it, even though they receive everything at home. Women cheat because of emotional issues, they're not receiving the love they want at home from their spouse so they reach out to another in hopes of getting and feeling that emotional and physical love. Overall, if you're going to cheat, then get out of the relationship first and don't hurt the other person, it's cruel and humilating. You wouldn't like it if you were cheated!
What I don't get and never will, is why men will knowingly go after a woman that he knows wants so much more for a relationship and lies to her in the process for his own selfish needs when there's other women out there that will do the same thing as he does....so why purposely go after someone they know they will hurt?????? | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 9:31:17 PM |
....so why purposely go after someone they know they will hurt??????
Can you be a little more specific with that question? I will do my best. I don’t think that most people go out to intentionally hurt people. I don’t think that most people are able to see beyond their own wants and confusion. When most people meet with a hopeful other, they are hopeful for a relationship or sex or whatever it is that they are looking for. After meeting with someone or soon there after, people can determine whether or not this person is what they are looking for. More often than not, the person is not what they are looking for, so they part ways and continue their search. Overall, the hurt that one feels is the insecurity in ones self. This insecurity is often redirected towards others. I know that this sounds cruel, but the psyche can be a very overpowering thing. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 11:26:12 PM | I've very recently been cheated on. I was suspicious for the last few months but he just kept sluffing it off as part of my pregnancy (I'm 9 months). One day he was supposed to be at work and normally he would call me. But he didn't so I texted him, no answer. Called, no answer. Called him at work, they told me that they didn't know where he was. So I hopped in my car and drove to his apt. (yeah, pregnant and not living together, but that was my choice), sure enough his car was there. Unfortunately, I didn't have a key to get in. Walked around the building hoping that someone would come out so I could get in and go bang on his door. No such luck. I stood outside in the cold for an hour until someone finally let me in. As I was going up the stairs, he was coming out, he was alone but the chick was straggling behind. I'm not sure if he knew I was there or what the story was. I haven't gotten many answers from him. I tried to convince him to take me up to his apt. but he wouldn't. We went outside instead and I tore a strip off him. Finally I convinced him to go upstairs, he opened the door and standing there around the corner was this little girl (24 but looks alot younger). So I confronted her, told her who I was and that I was pregnant. She didn't have much to say.
There's alot more to the story but I'm probably boring you all to death. I'm just wondering, how do I get past this? As much as I despise him right now, I'm trying to work this out for the sake of our unborn child and our families, not for me but for everyone else concerned. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me and spend the rest of our lives making this up to me but how do I believe that now? If he wanted that wouldn't he have kept his pecker in his pants instead of totally destroying me? I could really use some advice here, it would be greatly appreciated.
He says he did it because I wasn't giving him enough sex. I was trying my best, pregnancy got the best of me and turned me off sex but I was getting back into the swing of things, just not enough for him obviously. He says that he did it purely for satisfaction not for love or for another relationship, but what do I believe now? I'm really torn here. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/2/2007 11:29:55 PM | | Bye the way, I don't believe cheaters are evil. Like a bunch of people have said, they are inconsiderate, selfish cowards. It's just too bad that they don't think about the consequences and the people they hurt. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 6:47:31 AM | | Evil? No. Selfish? Most likely. Every situation has it's own story. If you look at todays society you will often see both the man and woman working, often long hours, lots of stress, etc. It's a recipe for drifting away, losing the spark, the romance. Most of my friends were married within 5 years of graduating high school. 75% of them are now divorced and in new relationships. Almost all of them dissolved due to infedility. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Am I defending cheaters? No. But remember that men and women get lazy in relationships, communication goes by the wayside, time spent together becomes in front of the TV or just muddling through the daily requirements of life. Marraige takes work, time, work, time....... | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 7:34:45 AM | OMG people the OP asked a real simple question and you people took his threat and just ran off with it! He didn't ask what you thought of cheaters or why you think peolpe cheat or anything like that, read it again..... it was a simple request....
I ask that everyone that reads this that hasn't ever cheated post a quick reply, if not to restore my faith that there are others out there.
So OP..... No, I've never cheated on anyone, I would never want to cause someone that of that kind of hurt!!!! Do unto others!!!
And I've seen quite a few people here that have said the same, so I hope you faith is restored just a lil  | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 8:24:12 AM | | I've never cheated, but I wouldn't label cheaters as evil. STUPID, SELFISH, WEAK and IDIOTIC, yes. But not evil. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:35:13 AM | Translation: (....so why purposely go after someone they know they will hurt??????)
Can you be a little more specific with that question? I don’t think that most people are able to see beyond their own wants and confusion. Overall, the hurt that one feels is the insecurity in ones self.
So only insecure people feel the hurt after someone has lied to them and used them??
When someone knows they want a relationship, meanwhile the other person knows this and is only after a piece of ass and has no intention of wanting a relationship....why go after the person that wants a relationship? If you just want to get laid and nothing more, don't go after the person that wants a relationship. There's plenty of whores out there like themselves so just go after them if that's all they want. It's bullshit that "they can't see beyond their own wants and confusion". That's just a lame excuse. When they know all they want is is to get laid and they know the other is looking for a REAL relationship....they are purposely hurting that other person by lying to them for their own selfish reasons, they may as well be raped for what they are taking away....hope that's specific enough for you. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 12:26:23 PM | | ny_lady_13601 O-boy, I feel the anger. Don’t get mad at me. The reason that I asked you to specify is because it is a very broad question. Are you talking about a short relationship and breaking up within a few months, or are you talking about a long term relationship where someone cheats on their family? Do you have a specific example of something that happened to you? The reply that I gave you is very generalized and is not situation specific. The last reply that you gave me is very stand offish. Who are you talking about when you say ‘they’? | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:50:26 PM | i think that the people who cheat are insecure and that is all there is to it. many people do not get what they need from their partner therefore go out and search for it from someone else to satisfy their ego really.
self esteem plays a huge part in the life of a cheater, they get their self worth from someone other than their partner wanting them. clearly a flawed way to go about this for the obvious reasons. it ends up in a revolving circle that never ends until the person who is doing the cheating truly understands why they do it and i guarentee it is not for sexual gratification. cheaters are not evil, they are quite often misunderstood and sad. most of them are good people trapped in circumstances that they cannot prevent until they see themselves in the same light that other people do. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/4/2007 9:05:41 PM | | Translation......Never mind....you don't get it anyway. It was anything but a "broad question". Face it... men will lie to get what they want (to get laid) and when they hurt someone in the process for their own selfish wants, they could care less, they have no conscience! | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:51:53 AM | WOW! There certainly are a lot of perfect people on this web site. It kind of makes you wonder how the stats on infidelity can possibly be right (an estimated 30-60% of married people in the U.S. have affairs). I've never cheated on a partner. Does that make me a better person than someone who does? Highly doubtful.
As a psych student I am very interested in what motivates people to behave the way they do. From what I have read and heard, most people cheat because there is something missing in their current relationship – sometimes it is as simple as a primal need for sex, but more often it is an emotional need for intimacy.
As humans we all have basic needs. Abraham Maslov refers to these needs in a hierarchical order beginning with physiological needs (food, water, oxygen, sex), safety needs (security, stability), belongingness and love needs (giving and receiving affection), esteem needs (self-respect, self-esteem) and self-actualization needs. If a person’s basic needs are not being met he/she may look elsewhere for the validation they need for self-esteem and self-actualization. To suggest that a person cheats because he/she is cowardly, selfish, or just too lazy to work on the relationship when you don’t know all of the facts is irresponsible and prejudicial.
I came across a very interesting web site that discusses deception. You will see that there is a lot more to it than simply being lazy or selfish. So before we start burning people at the stake, take a look. www.truthaboutdeception.com/
JMHO | |
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BayOne
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Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 92 | |
| These people who say..."I never have..I never would"...well, good for you that you can see every asp
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:21:03 AM | Thank you. While I have never, as yet, cheated on anyone, I am in a realtionship that I now question IF I MIGHT. Married? Yes. In a realtionship with a man who works non-stop and when he isn't working, he is playing computer games nonstop. No conversation, no time together, no attention, no help with ANYTHING around the house, he brings nothing to the table in this "relationship." He was a single father when I came in the picture. I am and have been the ONLY mother as well as primary parent in this childs life for five years. I taught him how to hold a fork, eat properly, set a bedtime and gave hims structure, helped him bring D's and F's up to Honor Roll grades, he is now an all star baseball player, etc and is an exceptional child who is now in High School. As far as his father and my husband is concerned, my son and I could be paint drying on the wall...very little conversation, or interest in us, etc....While I find that I might be able to break my commitment to the man, the commitment that I made to the child is a different story...he only has three years left until he is an adult...THEN I can leave...knowing that I did the right thing where he is concerned...as far as cheating...I haven't, as of yet, like I mentioned above...but I HAVE learned through this situation, that my past habits of judging people and saying "there is NO excuse for cheating" has literally turned around to bite me on the butt. Would I go COMPLETELY out of my way to make sure the other person never found out? You bet I would. Been there and the hurt is enormous...am I justifying possible future behavior? Maybe. But I'm living this life and I know the truth and I also know that I have given 100% repeatedly over the years to get 20%, tops, back. So...I know that I no longer believe "there is no excuse for cheating"
Bay | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:55:57 AM | | This is the best post I have read, as is the one by Judy in the sense it is you that has to look in the mirror...so any choice you make you have to live with. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 9:57:10 AM |
If I was unhappy in a relationship I'd end it before getting involved with anyone else. I'm not willing to compromise my integrity or self respect.
This is the best post I have read, as is the one by Judy in the sense it is you that has to look in the mirror...so any choice you make you have to live with. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:05:12 AM | i've never che@ted, and i never would. i am an honest upfront person....if things were going wrong in a relationship, i would prefer to talk them out rather than che@t on my partner. i would end an exsisting relationship before entertaining the idea of another.
i've been che@ted on though, and it does hurt...and i'll do all that is possible to insure that i won't be hurt like that again....
i might have stumbled on a great idea for not getting in involved with that type of person. i've been thinking of buying a lie detector that i could hook up for each date i go on...... does anyone know where to buy one????? 
actually, there have been two times in my life that i was grateful for the cheat!ng. one was my ex husband and one was a financee both showed their true colors and i was able to get out quick.... | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:13:19 AM | cindersella37: As humans we all have basic needs. Abraham Maslov refers to these needs in a hierarchical order beginning with physiological needs (food, water, oxygen, sex),
Here's something to think about with that little bit of info you just posted....
Sex is not a need....it's supposed to be a gift of love between two people who truly care for one another....we're not supposed to be animals breeding for the sole purpose of survival of the species. Your Abraham Maslov is clearly male with his way of thinking placing sex in the same needs catagory as food, water and oxyge. One major problem with that BS male logic. One will not die for lack of sex. Will you die without food? YES. Will you die without water? YES. Will you die without oxygen? Yes. Will you die without sex? NO! Though I did have a first date/last date with some jerk who said he needed to have a lot of sex so he wouldn't get prostate cancer...if that's the case a lot of men are should develope carpal tunnel syndrom trying to prevent prostate cancer | |
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cinder
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Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 98 | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:27:26 AM | | you know that old saying? once a cheat, always a cheat? very true. people don't change and if you forgive them, they will keep on doing it because they know they can get away with it. | |
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| Cheaters aren't necessarily evil?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:32:15 AM | @ ny lady:
I personally will not die if I don't have sex but our species will if no one has sex. I believe Maslov classified sex with food, water and oxygen because it is a primal need for survival of the species. From an evolutionary standpoint, sex is a basic need. But as I mentioned, I don't think that the need for sex is the key motivator for the majority of people who cheat -- I expect that it has more to do with the need for intimacy. My main point is that until we know the entire story we shouldn't be judging others. Afterall, none of us are perfect, right? | |
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