| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:47:14 AM | | Yeah smiliegirl, that is what I am thinking. My problem was that if I started seeing someone that is separated that it could get really complicated. I am not seeing anyone right at this time, but you never know what the future holds. POF is such a great place to get insights. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:20:40 AM |
Personally, I do care and would not get involved with a woman that is married or separated...... it is a personal choice.
So for the one year that the person is seperated (waiting for the divorce to be final) they have to stay away from the opposite sex? | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:33:01 AM | I really think it all depends on whether there is hope for reconciliation or not. That one year waiting period is designed to ensure that the people involved are sure about the decision.
In my case, I knew as soon as we separated that we would be heading towards divorce, so as soon as I felt ready to date again, I jumped into the pool. I have never once felt like I was cheating. If there was hope for my ex and I to get back together, then I wouldn't have been ready to date other people.
i think the key is to communicate with the person you are interested in, and see where they stand on their separation. And then, trust your gut.... | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 3:24:14 PM | Nope not cheating
Seperated: detached: no longer connected or joined;
In my opimion no longer connected or joined means not together...therefore not cheating | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 4:22:33 PM | To me seperated is not cheating if your open and honest about it with the person you were married to. People have loads of valid reasons for not being divorced the day after the break up so I wouldnt judge them for that.
As far as dating someone in that position i would...but I would need to talk to them about my concerns as they came up. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 5:14:01 PM | | I do not believe that dating someone who is separated is cheating, however I do have a rule of thumb that I personally use in this situation. I have learned that what is important is to find out how long someone is out of their last committed relationship or marriage. If it is less then 2 years, then I am reluctant in considering that person as ready for another LTR. There are some of us who were separated for almost as long as we were married...does that mean that we should not date...have a relationship...nope. Not having my divorce papers did not mean that I could not love someone, live with someone, it just meant that I could not get re-married. I suggest that the people who are listing themselves as separated put down how long they have been out of their relationship, so that the people who are interested in you know that they are not going to be a rebound or have to be concerned with you deciding to reconcile with your x. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 5:55:23 PM |
Now, my question is this, is being separated and seeing someone else considered cheating?
Technically, yes. I have the distinct impression that a lot of folks will disagree with me though. Tread lightly... do what feels ok for you.
So my question is do you consider being separated the same as being single?
No. But not entirely different either.
If a man interests me and I learn that he is separated, I want to know how long he's been out of his relationship. I want to know who wanted it to end, him or the ex... because the one who does the leaving usually left emotionally long before they left physically.
If someone has only been separated for a few months (or less) after a serious committed relationship, forget about it. But if the divorce papers are being processed... ok, maybe. But I guarantee I won't look at the guy as serious dating material until he's got things dealt with.
~BITW~ | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 6:31:24 PM | Every time this topic comes up it drives me insane.
I cannot understand why people think "seperated" people are still married! They are NOT married, it they were, they would not be seperated.
I am legally seperated. When I went to my lawyer to inquire about getting the divorce, he educated me in the difference between seperated and divorced. There is only ONE difference.
Seperated people cannot get married. Divorced people can. Its just a legal thing, has nothing to do with whether or not you are over the other person or thinking of going back. If I was thinking of going back I could do that whether I am seperated OR divorced. The difference is....I am NOT thinking of going back, thats why I am no longer with my ex.
In the world of dating and starting new relationships the important thing is....Is the person you are interested in EMOTIONALLY over the other person. The rest is just a legality and helps to put $$ in the lawyer's pockets. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 9:45:57 PM | I suggest that the people who are listing themselves as separated put down how long they have been out of their relationship, so that the people who are interested in you know that they are not going to be a rebound or have to be concerned with you deciding to reconcile with your x
So there is a time line to getting over 'an ex'?
Is it one day? One hour? One year? 20 years?
I know people that are 'over' their ex the minute they leave. I know others that post in forums (like POF) and still talk about their lost love from 10 years ago.
If anyone thinks they can decide when someone else is ready to date..then they are delusional. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:15:34 PM | ok ill b the odd one out
no matter how u try to justify cheating or whatever term u choose to use in order to get laid . separated isnt single, single is single divorced is single to
the concept of being single is that u have no apparent baggage from a still associated partner. separation isnt necessarily a time of gettin reconciled its a certain time frame to get to know yourself and get out of the relationship woes u have just left. even if u are divorced tho that doesnt mean u are free of psycho exxes but at least it gives the partner the foreknowledge to know that u have done all u can do to protect them and your possible future together
separated is still technically cheating and once a cheater always a cheater
only a true cheater will look for fine print to get away from accepting their responsibilities | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:21:05 PM | | I learned an interesting tidbit when I went to do my taxes the other day...I am not legally allowed to define myself to the government as "single" when I am actually "divorced". Just thought I would share that with you all. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:45:19 PM | | Thanks for the feedback wheezy...I do appreciate your comments...no, my intent was not to suggest that there is a time limit, or that anyone other then the person who is out of their relationship can determine whether or not they are ready to date or not...I was more talking about a committed relationship then just dating...and putting the suggestion that someone who is looking for a LTR who is separated put down how long they have been out of their marriage was just a suggestion...to make it easier on the person who is separated. Sorry if my comment offended you. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:13:33 AM |
If anyone thinks they can decide when someone else is ready to date..then they are delusional.
I personally think that this statement may work both ways!!
Even the separated person can not be sure if they are ready to date, so having someone else attempt to assist them in meeting people is sometimes a bonus.
I, after a 32 year marriage, was encouraged by my own children to go out and meet people, have dates etc. before even 6 months was up! A shock to me that they would want their Dad to have some fun and enjoyment in his life at his age. "Just don't tell us the details if you sleep over, that we don't need to know!!"
What is "cheating"? To each it has a different connotation and measurable impact on our lives.
While separated, I had a coffee with one or two people, not cheating in my mind. While on the other hand if I had coffee with a female while I was married, one could construe that as cheating, rediculous as it sounds, some people are that radical in their beliefs.
It is an individual feeling of contentment that we have to be looking for, not what someone else may think or try to imply to us.
If you do not think it is cheating, and you are having fun and are content, then it is not, but if you conscience is bothering you, it is!! | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 9:23:49 AM | I agree with Debs completely. I have also been legally separated for over a year, and the only reason why I am not yet divorced is due to the slow legal system and an addicted soon-to-be-ex spouse who can't get his sh** together long enough to show up for court dates.
As far as I am concerned, if you are emotionally and physically through with the person, and you feel "single" then you are. If someone you are dating, or may be dating, has a problem with that, then that is their problem, not yours.
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:07:11 AM | actually they can and have moved on ergo they are single enuf to attempt to date u (the separated) party
so it isnt their problem it is yours
there are million excuses for being separated and one of wich is highlighted above all the others, and that is that the so called separated party is just a big lying cheater who mighta had a tiff with their spouse the day or morning b4 and happened to run across someone willing to believe the sob story
unless u are willing, able and prepared to invest in an honest relationship why even try to pull the separated card on someone. im sure everyones heard the sob story a million times
if your honest at the start and the single party accepts the terms and hazards of dating someone who is already partially involved with someone else than that works for your situation but it isnt a given in all situations and in most situations its just someone trying to get some on the side | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 12:28:44 PM |  TRUE BLUE
And who would want to date those close minded types anyways?
Open minds and open hearts lead to long lasting relationships.
I think if someone doesn't want to date a legally seperated person because they are afraid that person will go back to their ex, then someone needs some couch time to deal with their security issues. LMAO! | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 12:39:38 PM | I believe the area is gray as well and it depends on the circumstances.
I dated a man who was seperated a while back...but we were friends first for a couple of years and when we got together he was seperated for the second time and the papers had already been filed, we were just waiting for the legal system to recognize that it was in fact over.
If it had just been thier first seperation and no papers had been filed yet, i would have not purseud him. Luckily so, cause he did, after his first seperation leave the girl he was seeing to go back to his wife. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/7/2007 12:40:24 PM | I believe the area is gray as well and it depends on the circumstances.
I dated a man who was seperated a while back...but we were friends first for a couple of years and when we got together he was seperated for the second time and the papers had already been filed, we were just waiting for the legal system to recognize that it was in fact over.
If it had just been thier first seperation and no papers had been filed yet, i would have not purseud him. Luckily so, cause he did, after his first seperation leave the girl he was seeing to go back to his wife. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:27:32 AM | | When I was fishing in this pond, I found that most women were more interested in an ability to spell than in the state of my legal documents. (Happily hooked and waiting on the papers to be processed.) | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/8/2007 11:28:00 AM | HELL NO! The minute I was seperated (well give or take a month or two) I wanted to get out there and see what I had been missing... I considered it an open invitation to get on that saddle again...
Separation is single, you are on your own, simple as that... the other person has severed or had their rights taken away to tell you how to run your life... | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/8/2007 2:56:19 PM | Being separated with a legal separation is not cheating, because this usually means that it
is over. If you haven't made up your mind about whether the two of you are going to get
back together or not then perhaps a time out period would be appropriate. a time out without dating for a while helps one to clear you mind before you get into something else and get all confused. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:02:19 PM | I still don't understand why people think seperated means you are undecided. Hell, I have known people who are still married and living in the same house who are more "divorced" than people who live apart.
Seperated does not mean you are taking time out to contemplate the relationship. Some people are seperated for years and years before getting a divorce.
Jeez, would everyone just get over this seperated/divorced debate?? | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:18:50 AM | I've been reading up on this debate all over this site this morning. Why? I've just been reprimanded by someone I contacted. He finds me to be completely amoral to be on a dating website when I'm only separated not divorced. I'd actually like to tell him that for the most part I agree with him. He's direct, honest, has convictions he lives by and those are all admirable qualities in my book, however, he's now blocked communication. What a slap in the face. Regarding separation vs. divorce, or any other dating 'rule', there are very, very few perfect people out there. If you've ever been in a relationship, you've got 'baggage'. Personally, I may be only separated but I'm a whole lot more ready to move forward than many on here.
My story? My soon-to-be ex. cheated incessantly. Someone in another thread made the assumption that those of us who stick around are too weak to leave. Let me tell any with that opinion something...it's a damn sight easier to walk away than it is to confront issues and try to resolve them. There is NOTHING weak about me. But, I do believe that someone that I loved, someone who is father to my children, someone I swore to stick with through better and worse is worthy of a little effort on my part. We went to see a councilor. This is when I first became aware of his history of being sexually abused. Over the next few years we saw different councilors, who all had the same view, his current behavior was directly related to the past abuse. So, would it have been right for me to just walk away? I didn't think so. I thought my vows meant I should try to help him, and I did. But each lie, each cheat, whether because there's a 'reason' or not, did erode my self-esteem. I decided it was time to work on ME as well as HIM. With the help of a councilor, I worked on my issues and then drew what I call my 'line in the sand'. I would help him, as much as I could, for as long as he was trying to help himself, but there was a deal breaker clause. I don't discuss it with strangers but I did tell him what it was. Do this, marriage ends. In my heart, I think I always knew he'd cross the line... it was just a matter of time, so maybe I started emotionally separating then. When he did cross the line, my split was really a non-event for me. A finalization of sorts. That was more than 2 years ago. I could have been awarded a divorce on the grounds of adultery, but that would mean going to court and providing proof. I had no need to assign blame. I had no need for getting a lawyer. We need to have a cooperative relationship to deal with our children and I saw no need to involve the legal system. I didn't expect I would ever want to date again. I was happy on my own. I didn't file for divorce. Life went on. He became engaged to one of the women he had cheated with. I figured he'd file for divorce but he didn't. They split up. He met someone else and now they are engaged. Obviously he has a problem. I've decided I want finalization...it's all too crazy. We decided on a mediated divorce, meaning no lawyers, we make the agreements ourselves and no fault. In Alberta it doesn't matter anyway.... makes no difference in division of property . I expect I'll be divorced within the next couple of months. A few months ago it occurred to me that I do want to date again. I do want to share my life with someone. It is time to move forward. I ended up at POF, and I'm being reprimanded. Me, the one who's invested the time, energy and emotion to not only save a marriage, but to also help my mate, help myself, and move forward! I'm blocked because I lack a piece of paper! Clearly his loss! | |
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Epica
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Joined: 12/31/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:58:08 AM | | If you are separated you're separated. No longer together, free to see whomever you like. A break, if you will. Personal limits dictate whether a person is comfortable seeing others or waiting to see if the relationship they're separated from will revive itself and be saved. Personally, while I was separated, I wasn't averse to seeing others, and didn't consider it cheating. My partner's actual cheating prior is what caused the separation in the first place! So no, I don't believe it's cheating. | |
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