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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/14/2008 11:53:27 PM | I have been separated now since Aug. 21/07. If it weren't so expensive and dirty to divorce b4 the year is up, it would have been done by now!
I agree with the "are you emotionally divorced" concept. What about those who do remarry but never got over their ex? Or those who never got over their first love who they never married?
Soooooo if I were to feel comfortable enough to give myself THAT way to another, I would resent being referred to as a cheater. Separation and divorce are complex and difficult enough, let's not punish people being further with harsh judgments and accusations.
Cheating is a form of betrayal. If myself or my ex were engaging in sex with other people, it is understood that it is okay as we ARE separated. Therefore, where is the betrayal? | |
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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/15/2008 6:48:23 AM | | I agree with you Butterycup. When I first posted this question it wasn't to judge or to accuse anyone of anything. I just wanted to hear the greater opinion. I have since dated someone that was separated. Although the relation ship didn't work out between her and me, it was still great. She was a really great woman, and my life is just a bit better for knowing her. I still have some small reservations about separated people, but only because I would not want to be in the way of any reconciliation or restoration of a family. I guess that is the first question that I would have to ask before meeting. But I do not shun anyone. I was separated at one time, so I know what it is like. I wish all the best of luck in finding that special someone. | |
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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:42:42 AM | | I think anytime you are emotionally committed to someone, being with someone else is cheating regardless of the status of your marriage, or lack thereof. You have to know in your heart and in your head where you're at personally to know if you can move on with another relationship. If you feel like you are cheating, you probably are. You can't have it both ways because it's not fair to your separated spouse nor to your potential new partner. Ultimately it's your life and you have to make a decision one way or the other because endlessly keeping your options open for "what if" and "just in case" serves no ones' purpose. | |
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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/15/2008 12:24:36 PM | It truly depends where you heart is and where you think things are going to go in the relationship.
If you feel it's only a temporary separation and you don't want to date others then don't. If you feel it's not going anywhere and want to date others then I say follow the heart.
A separation is still a separation. | |
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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/17/2008 1:14:02 AM | As a separated man, this is definitely one of my hot topics. Let me lay it out for you...
After my wife and I decided to separate, we had an idea that it was temporary and we would work out our differences and get back together. During that 4 month stretch, if I had decided to date someone, or worse, have sex with someone I would have been cheating... only, it wouldn't be technically cheating. What do I mean by that? If during this stretch of time, I dated/slept with someone, and my ex found out about it... she could NOT sue for divorce on the grounds of Infidelity. When you're separated, you're figuring out whether or not you can be, should be, or want to be together... dating someone can help you make that decision. Since I felt that I wanted to still be married, I would have felt like I was cheating, even though technically I was "free and clear."
When we both agreed that we were done, that was the end of it. I wasn't ready to date for a good long time, after we agreed that we weren't going to reconcile. I'm done my 5 stages of grief for my marriage, and I really feel like I'm ready to date (and have been for a while). There's a lot of hassle involved in actually getting myself divorced, but I don't really want to put my life on hold. | |
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| Another dumb thread. Is separated cheating?
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:16:12 AM | "Technically" doesn't make the person you were with feel any better. It's not just about you; it's about three people now, not just two.
There's nothing wrong with a rebound fling as long as the other person doesn't think this is going somewhere when it's not. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/17/2008 3:06:36 PM | Hmmmm, I'd think being separated and getting out in the dating scene could be a good thing. It might make your significant other you just left not seem so crazy ;-)
No. Separated is baggage.
I'll take the baggage. Cause if you're in your late 20s + and don't have any baggage or history...something ain't normal there. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/17/2008 4:55:08 PM | Ok, I will admit I cheated and didn't read all the posts so I hope I am not just repeating something someone else has already said.....
Separated (if in the legal sense of the word) is as good as single. I have known couples who have gotten divorced, married to other people, divorced again and gone back to their original spouses. If someone is calling themselves separated, to me it is the time between leaving their spouse and finalizing a divorce. I can tell you first hand, not all divorces go smooth or happen as quickly as one wants them to.
Now, that being said...... be careful...... it has been brought to my attention that separated can mean a lot of things......
Separated - they are in the next room
Separated - they are not home
Separated - I'm separated but my spouse isn't
Separated - he/she travels a lot or is out of town right now
Separated - I work days he/she works nights
Separated - he/she cheated on me so now it's my turn and then we are getting back together
This being said.... some will say single when in fact they are divorced, separated or not in a relationship but still living together.
In your case, I would have to say if nothing else.... at least there is an element of honesty about their current relationship status. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2008 1:32:38 PM | "I'll take the baggage. Cause if you're in your late 20s + and don't have any baggage or history...something ain't normal there"
Let me rephrase that then...separated is baggage that is not yet dealt with.
I guess the term "baggage" means different things to different people. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:39:58 PM | | No it is not cheating if you just wish to have an ongoing relationship with someone....and the one you are still married to his satisfied with the separated arrangement....but when either wishes to remarry....what is the financial/emotional baggage to go thru.....who will be the stubborn one and not want to pay for those divorce papers etc....alot of emotional crap for everyone to go thru....and to say that 'since they love me they will deal with it' is not worth it....jmho | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:41:04 AM | See there is "separated" and "separated". Is it a separation to take a time off, to work on something or to figure out something; OR is it simply a transition toward the administration of a final divorce?
Plus, you have the religious aspect too.
Looking into the reason WHY there is separation will give you a good insight if there is reconciliation possible or not: For example: If she or he has been sleeping with half the town while the marriage...of course there no way and it is final...so it is a transition
If you are separated, say so..saying that your single is LYING, you are also deceiving the new partners!
No matter where you are!
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:06:55 AM |
f you are separated, say so..saying that your single is lying and discusting.
Technically, you are correct. But it does not imply there is "connection" between the two parties....so the individual is effectively single in their heart...just not on paper.
Someone correct me if I'm wrong on this one....but the divorce "decree" or whatever it's called needs to be signed by both people to my knowledge. Therefore if you're better half won't agree to a divorce or just can't be bothered you're effectively "separated". This could drag out years but you'd be over the person...so you are effectively single.
So what's worse. Someone that is "separated" and emotionally detached from their ex or someone that's "single" that was in a 5 year common law relationship but is still suffering from the emotional disaster when it ended ? Terms like "single" and "separated" are just words....everything is situational. Why, I could argue that there may be people that are still technically "attached" but are more likely to be "over" their ex than someone that is single. Remember, it's alot easier of the person that does the "ending" than it is the for the person on the receiving end.
And to the guy who commented on baggage. We all have it. It's how we control it & how you, the new partner accepts it. If I was to get serious with a single mom, I'd expect the "ex" to be around & I'd expect the two people to communicate & probably spend time together. How could you not if you had a kid together? And all of it hopefully on an amiable level.
Life isn't about what hits you...it's about how you recover. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:11:10 AM | Not correct, because after a year of separation, the divorce can be prononced even if one party refuse.
Separated mean that, no matter what, there things ahead, challenges and/or battles (financial, papers, court etc ) ; single mean that you are completly free.
Lying is lying, point. either you are single or you are separated (and in process of divorce)...but not both at the same time!
"Remember, it's alot easier of the person that does the "ending" than it is the for the person on the receiving end. "
Not true either.....but I agree that the majority does.
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/21/2008 8:14:06 PM |
Separated mean that, no matter what, there things ahead, challenges and/or battles (financial, papers, court etc ) ; single mean that you are completly free.[./quote]
No, single doesn't mean that. A person who just left a 5 year common law relationship is "single" the second they walk out the door. They may own a car together, a house, have savings, etc, but they are indeed single.
I haven't been around these forums long, but one thing I've noticed is the need people have for absolutes. The world is an illusion, you think what you feel...it's all one big ass enigma. You may be single but still madly in love with your ex. On the flip side, you may be married and have absolutely NO feeling for them whatsoever.
I can't buy into the "logic" that a simple word defines if someone is available or should be available. Life is far too fluid for that man....and people are far to complex. If the term "single" refers to someone that is completely over their past & has truly moved on, then I'm willing to be there are not very many "single" people on this dating site. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:25:23 PM | Fluid is a great word to describe the state of relationships; I totally agree with the above. It is all about your state of mind, IMO.
I got raked over the coals by a 'friend' who told me I was cheating on my ex because our divorce wasn't final yet (because I was dating). The ex knew about my boyfriend and was ok with him, so my ex certainly didn't think I was cheating, but my friend sure did. She's a religious nut so that explains her, I suppose.
I think it is good to be upfront so at least if someone has issues with your situation, they can make a decision based on their own belief system. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 8:03:43 AM | | Well if you are seperated why not get divorced? I think in many cases is is a safety outlet for the seperated person, like having a favorite blanket. The financial reasons are simply not valid. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 10:55:35 AM | "She's a religious nut so that explains her, I suppose. "
Other religious nuts have also tried to tell me that once you have been divorced, that's it...GOD believes you had your chance at happiness and love by marriage, and are not allowed to ever do so again. That's what a pastor told me when my at-time g/f asked me to go to her church with her. She was divorced, I was separated 2 yrs at that time. And finding out that I was separated/not divorced even made it all worse, according to the pastor.
First time I ever told a pastor to go...well, use your imagination | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:20:55 AM | "Not correct, because after a year of separation, the divorce can be prononced even if one party refuse."
This I've never heard of before. I know that a year without sex and you can be declared separated, even if you're living under the same roof (not that it makes any difference), but who will pronounce a divorce when one party refuses it? That absolutely contradicts the institution of marriage. Makes a complete joke out of it, to be honest. I hope whatever judge abides by this also accepts and will marry same sex parters in his court, because after all, isn't THAT whole argument about that based on the institution/sacrement of marriage? If you're willing to divorce a couple when one partyy does not want one, theyn you're basically saying, screw the institution. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:21:00 AM | | Wow, I have heard religious people say tons of things, but that is wacky. Really, according to the Bible we are all imperfect, there for our decisions will be flawed. So if we make a bad choice as a youth (mind or body) then we are screwed? Really, that makes no sence. So using that pastors logic if your wife/husband dies then forget ever being with someone again. That was your one chance at being happy, and now you are done. Lol, religin can be so messed up sometimes. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:29:35 AM | "GOD believes you had your chance at happiness and love by marriage, and are not allowed to ever do so again."
I have a sister who says that about me. I tell her "Yeah, well if God truly believed that he would have made sure I married the right person to begin with."
That confuses the hell out of her  | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:32:28 AM | Amen. Lol.  That perfect person is out there for us all, sometimes it just takes a bit to find them. If you are reading a book you have to turn several pages to get to the end don't you? Life and love are no different. Holy, I just sounded like Dr. Phil on that one. Lol. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/27/2008 2:43:16 PM | Guess what one has to think about is remember how precious the institution called "marriage" is, and not treat it like some f*cking game or some kind of trend, or a tool to prove a point.
It is so sad that LOTS of people still treat marriage as "f*ck it...I'll do what I want, when I want, however I want...if I don't like it or not get my way, I'll just get divorced"
As for separated, from what I gathered in the posts:
Separated IS cheating...on paper and in judicial/biblical eyes. Yes, you still have that little piece of paper called a marriage certificate, which is then null/void when the DIVORCE documents are signed, sealed, and delivered...BUT ON THE OTHER HAND
Separated IS NOT cheating in societal/personal views...if you are not cohabilating(sp) with your S/O,then you are hereby SINGLE and UNATTATCHED...just a little matter of getting rid of that little piece of paper that says you are married. It is in THIS little area that concerns me...
I would like to know what the big rush is to get into something when one is separated...or is it just the SEX and GETTING LAID thing?
I had a girlfriend and a fiance while I was separated (NO, not at the same time...damn). WORSE damn thing I could've done. Trying to get through the divorce sh!t took time, energy, and focus away from what relationship I was trying to get into, and vice verca. My friends often asked if I was f*cking stupid trying to get into one again while not even being divorced...and never did listen to them. After my divorce went through, I asked myself "WTF was I thinking???" I just wish I knew then what I know now...as usual | |
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