| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/28/2008 11:14:37 AM | I had a religious friend tell me that as well, Papabear... that I was not allowed to get remarried, as that would be committing adultery. Gotta love fantatical religious people huh (NOT). If there is a God, I hope he judges me with more compassion than some of these religious people have.
Of course others are very kind and compassionate, and got me through the roughest time of my life (separation, etc).
As to whether it is cheating... shouldn't that be up to the person involved to decide? If you think it is... it IS. It is what is in your heart, IMO. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/28/2008 11:45:53 AM | ...I had a religious friend tell me that as well...
The problem with a LOT of "religious" people is that they take too much out of context, there is, believe it or not, allowance for divorce (tho by another name) within the scriptures, and the aspect of adultery is therefore not an issue, unless of course one has not understood the applicable criteria indicated within!!
...If there is a God, I hope he judges me with more compassion than some of these religious people have...
Those that "judge" do so without consideration of what the teachings are, inso that the Scriptures cite, " Judge not, lest ye be equally judged". Many a bible study will have been on this topic.
What people have to realize is that life circumstance changes for each and everyone of us, and we must be aware of the ramifications that it will inflict on our minds and souls, as ~brdie~ states: "If you think it is... it IS", and that is all that should matter!
We first, must be aware of what it is we want from life, then, reach out and grasp on to what is available, and then we must be comfortable within our own hearts and mind as to whether or not it is cheating.
Telling a lie to ourselves is worse than not enjoying a sweet morsel of flesh!! | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 12:21:55 AM | single is single. Seperated implies that you haven't resolved your past relationships and divorced is that you are dishonest and can't keep your word.
I'm sure many who are onto their second third or more marriages will be offended and have many reasons why they should be justified and how their dishonesty with their vows was somehow not a lie but what can I say. To hell with being reserved just so we don;t offend the weaker folks of society. These are the realities of life.
but of course this is but my own opinion. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 5:05:46 AM | Noblesir,
"Seperated implies that you haven't resolved your past relationships and divorced is that you are dishonest and can't keep your word.:
what the heck kind of blanket statement is that?
Explain to me how the ex-wife of an abusive husband, who finally had the guts to leave, after numerous broken bones, burn marks on her body that wiull be there for life, as well as the emotional trauma that will always stay with her, is somehow dishonest and "can't keep her word" because she was brave enough to save her own life?
Explain to me how the ex-husband of a gold-digging tramp, who left him and the three kids high and dry so she could fly off to never-never land with her newest millionaire sugar daddy is somehow dishonest and can't keep his word?
Better yet, explain that to his kids!
Go ahead. I eagerly await your response. So do the kids. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 5:38:00 AM | | I hafta agree on this one. Marriage vows might easily have been genuine and sincere at the time of marriage, but things sometimes change, or maybe even were concealed adequately, and the result is an unfair arrangement for one or even both parties involved. I don't feel EITHER person trying to fix such a mistake is dishonest or can't keep their word. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 10:43:57 AM | WOW
Being divorced means you are dishonest... hmmmm
So Noblesir, I took the liberty of reading your profile... does being 41 and single indicate that you've never been married? Does that allow for the implication that you have an inablility to commit? Or would you say that you are picky and unwilling to settle? Your unwillingness to answer the "have children,... want children .... do drugs" questions and leave as prefer not to say could lead to much speculation as well. Are you one of those men who sees nothing wrong with spreading his seed, procreating and all the while bashing the women who bear your children, again, not committing? Geeee assuming is fun isn't it ......... with my imagination I think I could come up with many different scenarios, I like this game, thanks for initiating it.
For those of us who are divorced, and only ONE time I might add; I find your assumption offensive and way off base. As waynejo has stated directly above and Prairie Pundit just before him, there are many reasons for a marriage to fail. I personally know of a couple of women who would be dead today had they not found the courage to leave their abusive husbands... now let me guess you'll have some comment about them marrying those men in the first place, and if you do I'll be more than happy to discuss this topic with you. Having been in a similar relationship in my younger years I can relate from a personal experience, I also did a research paper on the cycle of family violence during college. Nothing grates on my nerves more than someone who will cast a judgement before having all the facts. Making uneducated, unfounded statements makes you ignorant, in more ways than one.
People change over the course of time, we do not always change in similar fashions, nor to we take the same exits in life. When this happens it is oft times better for everyone involved to dissolve the marriage and move on.
Yes there are some who seem to marry for fun, but did it ever occur to you that perhaps these people are searching for something that is lacking within themselves only they don't know it? Everyone has a story and the majority of us do not choose unhappiness, nor do we choose to inflict it upon others.
Perhaps in the future you could think of the whole of a situation prior to making such an insensitive remark. As I have shown much can be inferred when all the facts are not known.
OE:
To hell with being reserved just so we don;t offend the weaker folks of society. These are the realities of life.
I don't find those who have a heart and actually feel to be weak, however, those who choose to remain uneducated and ignorant are weak in my mind. It's fine to have an opinion, but please have some basis for it.
The realities of life are such that everyone's experience is different, much of what happens to us is colored by our perceptions of said incident, as well as the perception of others. The reality of life is that there are people out there, and... wait for it ... on this site, who pretend to be something that they are not. Some of them are so good at it in fact that they may just succeed in getting some poor unsuspecting soul to the altar.... but I guess when that marriage fails it means that the poor unsuspecting soul is dishonest and can't keep their word.
I do see what you're attempting to say, albeit clumsily, but you have used a broad brush to paint all those who are divorced, remember for every dishonest person in this world, there is a victim of that dishonesty. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 8:02:46 PM | Unless you are Catholic then no, it is not cheating.
Even if you are Ross and Rachel and on a break.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 9:12:52 PM | " NobleSir "
The above personage certainly hath a mis-nomer for a title!!
To have indicated such nonsense is absurd and should be hung at the gallows in front of the madding crowd at lunch on the day that he doth recompence his witless sin!!
For to have railed is more of a sin than to have savored the flesh of a young lass in mourning of the day she didst make a mistake in calling him a loved one, no wonder he doth not the matrimonial step taketh!!
A sin is a sin, but whether of the flesh or mind and heart, this is what maketh the world go round and bringeth joyous sounds to the groin of those that ensue the folly!
The folly he hath cited is but that, folly, so shall he folly in his errant ways!
and may I add, may the blue bird of paradise fly up your ose and leave the biggest dump of dung known to mankind to this age!! | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 9:44:45 PM | ^^^^^^^^^
TRANSLATION OF DUFFSTER:
GO F*CK YOURSELF
I reckon that's the gist of what Duffy was trying to say...politely I might add
Noblesir, I think you might want to stop all judgement until you have been there yourself
"divorced is that you are dishonest and can't keep your word. "
I used to say that I would never wish a divorce on my worse enemy...you may deserve it, but I still don't wish it upon even yourself Noblesir...pray that it never does. Sometimes we are not givin' a choice...
Yes, it may be your opinion, but at least have the proper respect to have knowledge in something before making statements like that one | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 1/29/2008 10:37:02 PM | | I couldn't have said it better myself. I have always hear that saying he who lives in a glass house. Well Noble, I think your house is pretty clear. How can you judge people you don't even know? Someday you might get married (but prob not with anyone from this forum) and then you can talk. Until then, shut your mouth. Also, if you are not or never been married, wouldn't being on here be just as much a "sin" as getting a divorce? Wouldn't you going on a date be a "sin". And if you hit it off with a woman and had sex, would that be a one way ticket the "hell"? | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:19:47 PM | Did these people vow to stay true as long as the other did. Did they swear before their god and families to e faithfull unless it was unpleasent. If so I retract my statment. However if these people took traditional vow to love honour and obey forsaking all others till death they part then that is the only they have. Now if they made a poor choice I sympathise but it was THEIR choice. You either live up to your word or you do not.
Perhaps these poor souls should have put in the effort and the price of lonelyness earlier to know if they were makeing a smart decition or not.
TR | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:37:46 PM | My sympathies to you for any you or any in your life may have suffered but none of this changes the fact that one's word was and given and broken. As to myself I have been married , I believe some subjects are better and more appropriately discussed with people I choose to share more of myself with and I truly don't care what anone else thinks or is led to belive and anyone who would make assumptions without fact wouldn't be someone to interest me in the first place. As to why have never been married I guess it is most honest to say I have never found a woman I admired who was interested in me and I accept the responsibility of my actions so if I don't want a divorce I must remain single.
As for people changeing that is constant as all other change in the universe. An obvious variable to put into the equation when makeing a decision and while you may feel a marriage is something that can disolve away a persons character, which is best demonstrated through their word is indelible. It does not fade diminise or change. People who will break their word for one reason will break it almost any convinient reason and if this offends you I sorry but if you are one to keep your word you will no offence in this at all it will be something you see in others all the time.
Now as for me makeing assumptions based on ignorance ...............................................
I will accept blame and fault for many things and I claim no credit to myself beyond my honour but know this. I never speak from ignorance and never lie. Now if you would like to compare various studies of social norms and trends phsycological base profile in society or any thing I've mentioned I would be happy to. You would be ..... well if you have honour you would be embarassed after the comments you have made to me accusing me of assumption while demonstrating your own.
And please understand that I write this in honest attempt to address the questions and comments your expressed for my post and it offered with openness and honesty and in no way whould be taken by any to imply any disrepect or offence.
TR | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:45:24 PM | | to the couple above this I never said anything about "sin" your own ideals of morality will have to stand in their as I would never be fool enough to judge another by my morals. Now this argument of I shouldn't talk unless I've been there? How stupid is that? Don't judge someone for murder unless you've killed? Ignore the lessons of the past and the accomplisments and failings of others? If this is really the mentality that guides your decision makeing then no wisdom will assist you. And though my house may be clear it is bullet proof and hurricane resistant. A little honour and integrity goes a long way. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:53:06 PM | Ok noblesir, first off...tell me....when was the last wedding you were at where the vows included the word OBEY?
I'm guessing either you're from some back-woods cult religion, that has no concept of equality, or you haven't been to a wedding ceremony in a long time. The word "OBEY" is an act of submission, not equality. They even removed it from the Catholic vows. (Did you know women are even allowed to vote now? It's true! I read it somewhere!!)
Second of all, there IS no honour in an abusive relationship. So for a woman to honour a man who constantly punches her in the mouth for not bringing him his beer on time is a flat-out joke.
Third of all, did it ever occur to you that there are a lot of people out there that didn't swear anything to any god because they don't believe in god?
OH MY...COULD IT BE???
Fourth of all, seeing's how you brought God into the equation, even the Catholic church has clauses for retractions of vows, based upon merit, which my examples from the earlier post clearly warrant. It's called AN ANNULMENT. Look it up sometime.
And while we're on the subject of God, isn't the gospel all about being true to yourself and your God? How much respect are you giving to yourself if you constantly get battered by an unloving, controlling man? If you are forced to wear Elizabeth Taylor-style sunglasses that cover half your face so that other people don't see the bruises? If you are forced to wear long-sleeved sweaters in the middle of summer to cover the contusions and burns down your arms? If you have had numerous miscarriages because the man you "VOWED TO OBEY" has been so abusive as to terminate a preganancy by his punches to the stomach?
Are you being true to yourself by masking the truth? I hardly think so.
Catching on yet?
Think that's extreme?
Go talk to a women's shelter counsellor in your city and see for yourself how far-fetched these exampes are.
Are divorces too easy to get nowadays? Absolutely.
Is the institution of marriage disrespected in this day and age?
Without a doubt.
But nothing is black and white, so quit spewing your sanctimonious BS.
As for your comment "I never lie" wow...you realize that you're the first person in over 2000 years that can make that claim? Congratulations. I hadn't realized the second coming of Christ was already upon us. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 2/8/2008 11:54:06 PM | | I think it depends on the length of separation. I've met guys that say they are separated, but have actually only been separated from their wives since breakfast. If it's been a while since the separation began, and the person still wants to be separated then it's over and they are single. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:55:20 PM | I would not consider being separated the same as being single. Single is just that completely single, no "extra" baggage of a recent split (within a year for separated). Single also means there is no significant person or past lingering in the present.
However, dating someone who is separated is like playing Russian Roulet, you just never know what's going to happen. There are a number of factors or scenarios that could happen.
Why would anyone want to date someone who is separated? There are a million single, divorced and widowed folks here in Alberta. You are assuming all the risk as a singe, divorced, or widowed person knowing full well there is unfinished business that must be resolved in order for the person who is separated to give their 100% share to any relationship as a single, divorced or widowed person can commit to.
I say if a person who is interested in you is separated, to tell him/her to contact you in a year or whenever their divorce is finalized, and if the chemistry remains strong and you are still available that you will consider creating a new possibility at a later time with this particular person. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:16:53 PM | I disagree. Sure there's baggage. If the new relationship solidifies, then you help each other with baggage. If things don't work and she goes back to "him" that's not reallydifferent from her choosing a new "other guy".
I would take her word on the status. If he's moved out and they're not trying to fix it up, then she's "single". The "separated" tag is a legal status, not an emotional one. My late wife never resolved the divorce from her first marriage till 1999 (It's a long story -- ask me if you want the details.) But I was dating her in 95 and considered myself "married" to her by summer of 96. Waiting those three years would have given her to someone else.
A GF in 1988 was still legally married to the husband she'd separated from more than six years earlier. They kept the paper title for some reason concerning their teen son. That reasoning might be a generational thing. When both Dad and Mon have new "special friends", a marriage certificate in a drawer somewhere doesn't make things any different to the son.
I went one date with someone a couple of years ago. She'd never bothered to divorce her husband exactly BECAUSE he was no big deal in her life. If she was at the point of formalizing a new marriage, she would clear up the old paperwork
Three times in 87 and 88, I went on a single date with someone, followed by her deciding to go back to her ex. "If THIS is what's out there..."  It left me depressed and paranoid for a while.
Our society is still figuring out what the end of a marriage looks like in a world of small families, weak religion and long lives. How a status of "separated" affects dating is part of that. I see "separated" as single. Ms. Classy does not. There is no "right answer" in a society in flux. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2008 9:28:01 PM | I gotta say, I don't agree with what classy is posting yet...
I would date her...
I'm funny that way... | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:31:10 PM | i don't think divorced means nothing, even the people that didn't get married, have met alot of "stupid's" (Yeah stupid's, not gender specific!)
Seperated doesn't necessarily mean anything either, but its all about perspective, if you dated 5 people over the years that where seperated, and 4 times you got your heart smashed because "after having their fun with you, or whatever, and go back to each other" or whatever the case was, can you really blame the person for saying, they wont go that route! People sure shouldn't be offended if someone wouldn't date a seperated person, they might have a damn good reason Just something to think about! How many people "Will never get married again", are they all just close minded assholes? or where they married to them!
But im sure after reading all this theres no right or wrong answer's, why and when are the real issue!
Back to being single, im just glad that i don't have to worry about this whole issue, cause i never married, or id probably be trying to figure this out for myself! | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:07:14 PM | I have not read all the responses, didn't make it off the first page actually.
But I had to comment on this...
**in Alberta, the law demands a one-year legal separation before the courts will stamp the filed divorce papers.**
This is simply not true.
When I got divorced 14 years ago, it was over and done, and we were told we had to wait that full year to get a divorce.
My ex-husband had a lawyer, I did not, I couldn't afford one (I was the one who left him, left the house and everything). His lawyer told him that if he could claim some kind of 'abuse', we could speed up the divorce. He claimed "mental cruelty" (go figure, he was the one who beat the crap out of me on a regular basis ) and 'infidelity'. I was already living in my own place and seeing someone, thats where the infidelity came from.
Once I found out that these claims of his could not ever be used against me, it was only for the purpose of divorce, I agreed to them, I was not prepared to hire a lawyer, and if it sped up the divorce, then I was all for it. Our divorce was granted within 5 months of me moving out under those terms. I didn't care, I just didn't want to be tied to him any longer.
As far as the dating/separation thing goes, no, I don't think it's cheating. If the separated person is living in their own place and not in the marital home, then what's the big deal? Other then the legalities of it all, there's not much more to it.
Everyone has baggage, and the older you get, the more baggage one tends to have. I don't think it's too much different in a divorced person then in a separated one, other then the fact that the separated one still has to go thru all the divorce crap.
I'm not even touching on the religion thing, as I think most organized religion is a crock of crap anyways. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:06:35 PM | | In the eyes of the courts unfaithfulness is a grounds for divorce whether you do it separated or not! It all depends on what you want typed in a public document. I prefer irreconcilable differences. If you have sex with another while you are separated you should keep it to yourself until you decide you want to be separated forever. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:11:16 PM | Really? I thought that was outdated. Who knew.
Does that also apply if you have a separation agreement? | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:26:30 PM | The spouses have lived apart for at least one year before the divorce is finalized and were living apart at the time that the divorce petition was filed.
The respondent (this means the person being divorced) has committed adultery since the date of the marriage.
The respondent has treated his or her spouse with physical or mental cruelty of such seriousness that it is impossible for the two to continue to live together.
About the separation agreement? Are you serious? Most separation agreements are designed to secure assets and children's issues for the parties involved so I don't think it is likely the sexual activities would be included in any of the clauses of said agreement. | |
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| Is Separated cheating?
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:28:02 PM | The whole baggage thing can be included even if the mates were never married. Many people live together for a few years and then break up. Sure legally they were never married, but emotionally they were just as serious as a married couple.
Imo it is not cheating if both agree in a divorce. | |
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