|
|
|
|
|
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/7/2007 2:53:16 PM | Cultured Pearl (OP),
<div class="quote">I am sober and I don't drink.
Well, it's good to know that you're not a drinker AND you're not currently drunk!
<div class="quote">If you are in the program is it like two worlds colliding when they don't understand your 'language'?
'In the program'? I already don't understand your language!
I'm assuming you're "sober", as in being an ex-alcoholic who is now has a sponsor, etc. I think that's different than someone who doesn't drink or RARELY drinks (1 glass of wine on rare occasions).
I "drink", and have semi-quit smoking (it's harder when I am drinking)... I dated a couple of women who rarely smoked and rarely drank. It was fine with one, and not fine with the other. If someone dislikes being around alcohol or can't stand to SEE someone smoke, then it won't work out (good reason to quit smoking tho). If someone genuinely likes hanging out in social situations where people have drinks or take smoke breaks, then it won't be a problem. | |
|
| |
tdh46
|
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/16/2007 7:49:32 PM | I would never be in a relationship with a heavy drinker. I was once in a relationship with an alcholic and it was the hardest 5 years of my life, I would not wish those years on my worst enemy. I would date a social drinker even if i don't drink that much myself.
As for a smoker, I really can't see a reason why anyone knowing all the negative things that go with smoking, still smokes...A person that smokes really don't care enough about themselves, how can they care enough about me...I honestly can't see myself getting serious with a person that smoked and was not trying to quit. | |
|
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/16/2007 7:56:17 PM | I'm neither a smoker, nor a drinker, nor have I ever been either. I have lived with smokers and drinkers and I hate both...when used in excess! Therefore, I would never judge whether someone could be a nice person on whether they drank or smoked, and I would hope they didn't write me off because I didn't!
In moderation there is nothing that you can't cope with if the person you are with is loving and kind, and if you love them! Smoking and drinking are superficial things unless they're done to an extent where the persons personality changes...obviously this is much more relevant with drinking than with smoking, but to a degree they're both drugs, and the dependency on these can be destructive.
As for not being able to party without it...you ask any of my friends/family/colleagues who is the most lively and up for it girl on a night out, and they'll all say me! I'm comfortable with myself, and don't need stimulants to have fun, or to make conversations with strangers..but I am not judgemental at all of others who are less confident within themselves.
Basically...everything in moderation is fine..please judge people on how they treat you, not how they treat themselves! | |
|
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/16/2007 8:48:31 PM | I used to only date non-drinkers, non-smokers, but I have lightened up a little in recent years.
I will now date a social drinker, as long as they have it under control. I might consider dating
a smoker, as I have discovered they don't ALL stink. But, it's a nasty, dangerous, expensive habit,
so I would probably try to encourage them to quit.But I also have asthma, so I would only consider
a really considerate smoker, who doesn't mind going out on the balcony. | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/23/2007 7:03:28 PM | In regards to dating a smoker...I'm a non smoker.. The last time I dated a smoker I was 14 and I can still taste it..GROSS!!. ..In regards to the person himself..I don't hold smoking against him... I can just say for a non smoker to kiss a smoker...might as well lick an ashtray!!(I'm guessing..no I have never licked an ashtray ) | |
|
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 3/23/2007 7:52:12 PM | I smoke and drink. The drinking is healthy, in my opinion. Wine with dinner a few times a week is a thing of joy (and from what I gather, it's good for the heart). I don't like beer or liquor, and I don't like being "drunk."
The smoking is stupid, but I enjoy it. I stop and I start. Oddly, I prefer non-smokers (who don't mind smokers), because it's another reason for me to smoke LESS. Also, oddly, I've had more than a few letters from "anti-smokers" who want to date me. What? You think I'm disgusting, but you want to date me? Who has the bigger problem here? | |
|
notard
|
Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 39 | |
| |
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 3:57:18 AM | | I don't drink but if I looked for men who didn't drink at all, then I'd never find anyone. I also don't smoke but I used to and quit cold a few years back. While I'm not thrilled about dating a smoker, it's not a dealbreaker for me as long as they are respectful about where they smoke. He's got to be a helluva guy though. | |
|
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 8:53:03 AM | Beachlvr, While I value and applaud your candor, I have to disagree. Being in recovery for a number of years, I've come across this opinion of "12 steppers" far too often from those who have only a little knowledge or experience with people in recovery. While I'm relatively sure that your opinion is based on your experience , which looks like you've not had a good one, nothing could be farther from the truth.
1) They foster an atmosphere of "us-good", "them-bad". It is almost impossible to feel "in" with a person unless you're "in" the program. In general, they are a hard group to feel comfortable with because they tend to surround each other and lock others out.
While it is very true that we in recovery speak a language that is foreign to alot of people, that language is in no way "exclusive". As far as locking other people out - I need to ask - did you ever ask them what they were talking about? Also as far as surrounding ourselves with each other - most people in recovery, not just alcoholics, have in the process of their addiction/compulsion have withdrawn from the world.
Sure, they go to work or do other things that they need to socially, but thier lives become a lonely barren void, full of mostly shame and regret, and as a result tend to isolate, sometimes physically ,but always emotionally. What happens when this person finds help in "12 step" groups is they find out that there are other people who've thought, felt,and done those same things and have found a way out from what seemed like a never ending spiral to hell. Often those new in recovery find such relief that there are others who understand that they choose to spend the majority of thier time with those people. That is thier choice.
The 12 steps, however are designed as a bridge back to a useful and purposeful life in the real world, not just the rooms. My experience has shown me a new way to live and to be honest it takes time to unlearn all of the wrong things I thought I knew, to replace those old ideas with new ones and to put them into practice in my everyday life. As far as the "us = good, them = bad" - it's just not true, while some individuals may take that stance, the 12 steps and any program based on them is all inclusive. No one is excluded for any reason.
2.) Because they demonize alcohol, they believe they've conquered their problems. Their problem however, is that they're addicts. Congratulations to the ones who make it through and don't drink anymore, don't smoke anymore, and don't drown themselves in coffee and sodas! But those people are in the minority. Most people in recovery still have heavy issues and simply replace the alcohol with some other addiction, usually tobacco or caffeine. I just don't have the time, desire, nor skills to deal with that.
In my many years in recovery I've never heard anyone "Demonize" alcohol or anything else. What I have seen are people, usually new to the program, who feel the need to evangelize the program and go out on a mission to save the world from thier problems. Again I have to stress that that is an individuals choice, not a part of any 12 step program.
As far a replacing one addiction with another, sure it happens, we're only human and again I need to stress that it's an individuals choice what to do with thier life and thier recovery. However, that is not what recovery is about. It's about learning to live life on lifes terms and as we do just that, we find that replacing one problem for another is kind of like putting a band-aid on a shotgun wound. Recovery is about learning and finding the causes and conditions that made us feel it was our only recourse to abuse ourselves in the first place and healing those wounds. The result is that we no longer have to hide ourselves emotionally from the world and that takes time.
It sounds to me like your experience, which is just that , YOUR experience was with people relatively new to the program. I jusy hope that you're mature enough to understand that not all people ( not just those in recovery) are the same.
Damn that was a long rant....................
 | |
|
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 9:01:08 AM | I am sober, except when I do drink......... ........then I am considered drunk.
I drink occasionally, and I must say that I would prefer someone that drinks as well...in moderation of course. It's not necessarily a deal breaker however. I would not date someone who is an Alcoholic however. That's a personal issue for me.
As for smoking? I have never smoked in my life nor will I ever....my parents smoked and I can tell you, how I ever survived living with them, I can't tell you! I'm sorry but I just can't stand having smoke around me.
I have met some people who do smoke, friends that smoke, and that is fine...but starting something that might potentially become long term? I don't think so. I have a son who is asthmatic, and it just wouldn't be a good fit.... | |
|
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 10:27:35 AM | It's probably easier as a non-smoker to date a non-smoker because I find just being in a group of smokers, you tend to feel the odd woman out... esp. if they guy you're crushing on smokes as does the only other "single" chick there and they can go out on the balcony and smoke together and talk about whoknowswhat and possibly flirt and make plans for later  ---Oh, was I getting carried away? Silly me....
I was in a LTR with a smoker and we did often clash over it--we hardly kissed in the last few years so that wasn't an issue and if his mouth tasted gross, I just wouldn't kiss him or make him brush his teeth.
But even hanging out with a group of people who smoke can be challenging, as they all head out for a smoke and you're the only one left at the table, feeling like a big dork all by yourself...
As for the drinking... I'm a classic introvert and if I go "out", I have to have a few drinks or I seem like the big downer of the bunch 'cos my personality is such that I'm reserved and quiet, so alcohol brings out my uninhibited side... but it's infrequent so it's not a problem. I wouldn't date a heavy drinker either.
| |
|
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 10:43:11 AM | | Seems to me that smokers and alcoholics are victims of their own foolish choices. Nobody forced the smoker to take that first puff. So the smoker did something really, really stupid and will pay the price for the rest of his or her life. This suggests a kind of low self-esteem, maybe even self-hatred, and should be a warning signal to anybody thinking of getting close to this person. Addicts are not healthy people emotionally, and usually not healthy physically either. If a person has defined himself or herself as a loser, then you will do well to stay clear of that person. Every smoker who continues to smoke today, given the ample evidence for what it does to you, is on the way down, and if you are wise you need not go down with him or her, so move on. There are plenty of healthy people out there. | |
|
| |
| If you are sober/don't smoke have you, will you, do you date those that do drink/smoke?
Posted: 4/2/2007 10:48:19 AM | I lead a very very healthy lifestyle.
I will not date anyone that does not care about themselves or the people around them.
The smell of cigarrettes makes me nausious. It is a complete turn off for me.
I only have a glass of wine with a good meal. I will not date anyone that has to drink in order to have a good time.
I do not make any exceptions......As someone else mentioned above............I will not settle for anything less. | |
|
| |
|
|
Home
login 
