| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 3/13/2007 3:58:01 PM | i would like to offer my take on this, if you would allow it. if we are to assume that this was more or less a healthy relationship, and he cheated on you, then all he was doing was acting out because of his insecurities. not only about himself, but towards you as well (to clarify-he was insecure about you. you're not in the wrong by my statement). that is why i did it in the past, and that is why girlfriends of mine have done it to me. (being honest) he needs to do a lot of work on himself to feel more secure with who he is as a person.
i used to feel the same way that you do. as soon as the thought of my partner crossed my mind i would be taken over by blind rage. in the end, it only hurt me, and friends around me (that soon distance themselves). what i learned was not to deny it, or get back at them (that makes you no better than they are) but to accept the fact that YOU are powerless over their actions. being powerless doesn't mean weak, or vulnerable. it means that no matter what you do, you do not control them, their thoughts or their actions.
believe me when i say that this is no easy feat. but in my experience, it is the only way to get rid of the feelings that i had (anger, fear, sadness) for my partner. and in the end, i knew i was a better person for not lashing out at them trying to make them understand how i felt. if they could comprehend that feeling, they would not be causing the pain to begin with.
let go and accept.
i wish you the very best in a difficult time
fish | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2007 2:56:29 PM | I haven't read other posts, so maybe this has been suggested, but I'll tell you what I did to recover from my husband's infidelity and defection from our marriage 3 years ago.
I spent the first 2 months trying to get him back. When I realized that would never happen, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and placed my first online dating profile.
Yes, it was too early. But I told myself this: if he doesn't want me, someone else will. And I was entirely correct.
It took me a good year to recover from the trauma, grief, and pain. But once that first anniversary of his leaving passed (June 11th, a date I'll never forget), things started to get better. Soon I met my first Significant Other, and life went on.
My former husband has long since remarried and has another baby. When I look at him (when he picks up and drops off our son), I wonder what the heck I ever saw in him. The pain and anger have long since left me.
That will happen for you as well, Myopinion. Just give yourself time to heal.
One very therapeutic thing I did was write in a journal every day. In it, I wrote all the thoughts and feelings that wracked me in that first year. My friends got tired of hearing about it, but my journal never did. It was my way of making sense of the nonsensical. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:28:39 PM | | I was married for almost 12 years, and she cheated on me... my BEST advice, is to forgive them, and move on. It was VERY hard at first... but it is strangely liberating. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/6/2007 6:50:19 PM | If you run over them with a car, make sure it is only one time. It is really hard to explain it as an accident when you go back and forth over them five or six times. 
It just takes times, and a little help from your friends. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 9:31:04 AM | | It is hard sometimes.. getting over being angry.. or even wanting too... it is at times our anger. which keeps us stronger...for me i need to be angry to get over things.. and i do have a problem letting or wanting anyone to think they hurt me.. or that being without them has even affected me... i live and act like a don't care and eventually i don't....but we all condition ourselves to handle things in different ways...did you ever notice... if you wake up in the morning and tell yourself . it is gonna be a terrible day today.. that you end up having a terrible day.. because you have already sent that message to your brain... you need to give yourself permission to let go of that anger.. and to fill yourself up with happy thoughts and feelings..do things that make you feel good.. take up walking... join a gym.,, surround yourself with good friends.. do things.. you always wanted too..put yourself and your happiness first... and then there will be no room for the anger..because everything else will have taken over .. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 9:54:09 AM | fungirll...good advice...I think that we learn something from everyone who crosses our path...we just have to identify it, make it our own (it becomes part of who we are) and then move on being a better person than before. The lessons learned may not always be admirable traits that you want, but lots of time are character red flags...that we will notice next time...sometimes there is something that you recognize in yourself...good or bad...then you determine to develop it or begin to take steps to discard it. You're already thinking about this relationship...why not channel that energy to the structure of the relationship....what was right, what was wrong, and why.....it's harder than it sounds...then one day you'll wake up and realize that it just doesn't matter anymore, the hurt is gone....but that walk of fire has made you stronger and wiser.
Peace
"The one who makes you cry is not worth your tears, and the one who won't, is." | |
|
| |
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 10:25:38 AM | Well said, 'FunFun'--------------------life goes on and sadly, we should learn from our mistakes. The 21st century is not the turn of the century, when life was simpler, and people seemed more sincere, not to mention the fact that society was dictated by rules and mores that no longer seem to exist today!  | |
|
Jpal
|
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 84 | |
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 10:30:14 AM | | Well you must always forgive someone, the reason being is if you don't you become that part of them, the evil part, You should be thankful that it is done, a cheater is nothing more then a player or someone who is looking for something you don't have plus they are never HAPPY with what they do have, So forgiviness is the first part, protecting your-self is the next part, for me I just spent a year and a half with someone who didn't feel as much as I did, so you get hurt, but you shold know that someone better will be coming along, for me I know about pain, when someone takes away your innocence when your young you have a choice after you have been scared, you can let hate consume you or you can forgive, and I chose to for give the person who rapped my soul at the age of 6, I chose to forgive and confront them when I was 19, I chose to take back the parts that I had left, you don't let someone have that power over you, it sounds like a bad relationship, gone though afew of those, but every relationship has there ups and downs, and if you want a few tips on players check out my profile, after all we all go through something, | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 10:31:19 AM | The feelings themselves may never go away completely, but in time it will get better. There are stages that a person goes through. You are in the denial stage, saying that you do not miss him, you want to vent at him and how he failed to honor your awesomeness. You want him to feel guilty for what he has done. This is your pain talking. Acceptance is the next stage for you, but do not force it, just let it happen. Accept that you do miss him, a bit. Accept that he was a POS for lying to you and that it is ok to feel anger towards him. You do not need to vent at him to make yourself feel better, just be glad that you know the truth now and have learned from it. Once that you accept that the whole situation really did happen, then you can let it go. Do not feel any lesser about yourself, it was beyond your control and there is nothing that you could have done any different. Accept that you got doupt, feel good that it is over, and keep the hope that this one person will not affect your view on others. Do not carry the pain and anger, and do not relate that pain and anger towards other people. Let past be past.
I hope this helps. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/7/2007 10:32:46 AM | | well, you figured out who you were mad at, you now need to determine what he owes you then you need to cancel the debt. that's it. That will be the hard part. That is the key to forgiving anyone. I know it';s a bummer. But you can't go around with that kind of baggage or you will never have a successful relationship. a guy will see "wow! a girl with no bagage" if you do this. right now they see "geez! she's hung up on her ex!" right now you're so occupied with hating your ex you could be missing out on your mr right. I'm not saying take him back if he decides to come back but if he does decide to come back put him on probation. forgiveness should never be mixed up wuith stupidity and blind faith. he will of course need to prove himself. compulsive cheaters should never be taken back. if you hear about somone who always cheats, don't even think about dating him. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/11/2007 9:54:42 PM | Thanks for the wonderful feedback everyone! I really appreciate the time you spent responding to my thread. It's been a month since my original post and I'm feeling fine.
I took a lot of the advice offered and I think I've purged most of my lingering animosity.
Fish out of H2O: thanks for sharing what you were feeling when you strayed - it was helpful to hear from the other side of this problem.
My big thing now is just staying positive and giving the new guys I meet a fair chance - it's a fair chance for me too.
I hope plenty of others read this thread and find it helpful. | |
|
| |
Puffle
|
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 89 | |
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/12/2007 9:43:54 AM | You are beating yourself up...you feel foolish. You were great and he sucked, been there, done that.
It took me a long time to get over my ex cheating on me...but when I felt like I needed to vent I'd grab a pen and paper and write him just what an ass I thought he was...hell hath no fury!
I never gave them to him though, it felt good just to write it all out and get it out of my system, maybe you should try the same? | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 4/12/2007 10:53:09 AM | I rate cheating up there with physical abuse.......your feeling the same sorts of feelings you would feel if he had punched you in the face........
Rest assured he will get a huge dollop of sweet revenge at a later date.....if I was you I would just keep active, eat well and get a punch bag.....  | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/3/2007 11:22:21 PM | funfun: you're very wise - also, very eloquent.
btw, i found a a silver lining. i won't go into detail, but i am now happier and more fulfilled than i have been since i was 19. nothing to do with men or any other living creature - just found myself and it's a wonderful feeling. | |
|
| |
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/4/2007 12:10:50 PM |
How dare he fail to honour my awesomeness?
Indeed!
You'll get over it. Chalk it up to one thing...penile deliberation (thinking with his Johnson!)
He'll regret it and you'll have found that spectacular man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and then whenever anyone says his name, you'll have forgotten he even existed. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/4/2007 12:30:01 PM |
You just walk away The correct word is run, you run away. Then you make sure you don't haul that baggage as a mistrust issue into your next relationship. The forums here are full of stories of mistrustful victims of infidelity screwing up perfectly good relationships with nice people, because they cannot trust. So make sure you handle your issues before you drag someone else into them.
He is not worth you, and the feelings you are feeling are more about you than him. Sure, rejection and betrayal are valid, but you are likely wondering how you were stupid enough to fall for it. You are wondering if you somehow caused it. Well, you are not and you didn't. His infidelity is his weakness and has naught to do with you. Don't dwell on it.
Everytime you think about this, consciously make the effort to do something nice for someone else. Call a friend, tell a family member you love them, volunteer in a soup kitchen. Just take your thoughts off of you and think of somebody besides yourself. If you do this, I promise it will go away sooner, rather than later. | |
|
| |
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/5/2007 9:31:23 AM | I have a theory that the reason we feel anger is because it is an easier emotion with which to deal than dealing with hurt.
Eventually, you are going to have to let go of the anger and work through the hurt, in order to purge all of that negativity out of your system.
Sometimes, anger and hurt also go hand in hand. I can imagine that if you were being loyal, to be cheated on both violated your trust (hurt) and your personal safety (anger) if you were in a trusting relationship and he exposed you to STDs and HIV by practicing unsafe sex while having you believe that you were in a monogamous relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for putting another's life in danger!
I was talking with a female friend from work (not all women are catty, and she is really great). I will not bore you with any details of our conversation, except to say that she offered some sage words: "Unless people have kids together, I don't see why they have any need to keep in touch. When it is over, it is over!"
That really struck me, because if I cared about someone enough to be in a relationship, I would thiink that we could still be friends, but her opinion makes a lot of sense. Besides, why would I want to remain friends with someone that disrespected me and treated me like doo-doo, because that is not being a friend!
I hope you digest all of this, get past your anger, work through your hurt. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/5/2007 9:40:24 AM | Move on, move on, life is way too short to drag yourself around over one person. Basically if theyre cheating on you, then they have no respect for you.
Move on theyre not crying over you. Be strong & learn from it. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/7/2007 6:37:43 PM | fun_tall
This is a Mars versus Venus thing. Women and Men have different ways of dealing with things and processing information.
Your advice is sage advice, except that it doesn't work for women.
If you tell a woman that the sky is blue, a woman is going to ponder the deeper meaning of that statement, but what you really mean is that the sky is blue. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:22:45 PM | It's been four months since we split. Was this a mutual agreement or did you kick him out?
And whenever I think about the lies he told me. And about how great a gf I was being towards him at the time - it makes me flush with anger. -- Are you upset because you were a great girl friend or because he lied? There are no connection between you being a great girl friend and his deceptions. If you are mad at him why them turn that anger upon yourself because you were being the nice woman you are.
I tell myself that he's a fool -- if your conclusion is that he is a fool - why then are you investing so much of yourself being mad at a fool. You should be celebrating that your eyes have been opened.
no doubt he feels guilty --- what would he be feeling guilty of? Being discovered?
but still I'd like to punch his lights out!! - i see, you want to beat the foolish man out of the foolish man.
I think he's happy right now and that makes me mad! -- sound like you are a bit envious because he choose to be happy and you choose to be mad.
When will this last residue of emotions go away? -- Let's see, why are you holding onto them? why are you keeping those issues in the forefront of your thoughts? Why are they so important to you? Do you hold forever grudges?
I don't miss him -- come on? why are you thinking about the fool so much?
I know he was never good enough for me anyways. -- really, if you knew that why are you still crying?
My life has actually been quite excellent since we parted. -- if it were truely excellent then you would be talking about all of the wonderful things happening in your life, instead.
I don't understand this lingering pain and anger - because you choose to keep it that way and only you know why you choose not to let it go.
No one can make us mad, happy, sad, jealeaous, etc; We get mad because we choose to be angry about a situation(s). We make the decision to laugh not because someone is funny but only because we think what is being said or done is funny.
Is it just there because I never vented at him at the time? I just told him he was being an idiot and severed all contact. There's been no contact since. --- there is no harm in remembering things -- memories can be useful guidelines, but, to become obsessive is self-destructive. Why are you poluting your thoughts with memories of a cheating fool.
Is it just ego? Yes it is.
How dare he fail to honour my awesomeness? --- probably he did ---but, his is obviously more important to him.
Am I really just beating myself up for being deceived by him for so long? What's my problem? - You were decieved and a solution was admistered. But, since then you are both creation of your emotional problems and there is hope .....you are also the cure. | |
|
| How do I get over my anger towards a cheater?
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:37:06 PM | No one can make us mad, happy, sad, jealeaous, etc; We get mad because we choose to be angry about a situation(s). We make the decision to laugh not because someone is funny but only because we think what is being said or done is funny. This says it all!! Well said Journey...Some excellent advise on 4 of this thread (which is all I have read so far)...Fish_out_of_h20 also gives some sage advise.....
Bottom line, your best to live life well and be the better person. You will be respected for your behavior, but most importantly you will start to believe the "act". Yes this will be an "act" at first, but over time it will become "who you are" and how you see this affair. By taking the high road, you will heal faster and you will be the better person. You will be proud of your behavior and you will be able to attract good people who also live their lives well (void of anger and resentment).....Good luck, and have faith in what the people on this page are saying, it will allow you feel better faster than any other approach that sends you down a path of anger, resentment, and bitterness... | |
|
Home
login 
