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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 1:53:11 PM | Martha, I was actually defending you and many in your situation, who don't have "the numbers" like Ruth.
The question ("whats up with that?")was silly, just like blackknight said, and it came across as arrogant,pompous and conceited.
As such, I can see a few people (names withheld) totally missed the point of my comments. So to clarify, if a guy had brought this personal gripe to whine about "I have too many emails from girls that don't say anything but hi", he would have been lambasted for being an arrogant SOB whining about too much of something that makes him sound conceited and all that. If she really wanted to know the answer to "whats up with that?", then she would be emailing each of the "hundreds" of emails she is so painfully having to deal with every month, instead of us, who have not emailed her.
Now Martha, you just proved my point with your comment about "come on guys, she is cute..." that looks are somehow supposed to make up for everything else? If' she is cute to you martha...ask her out  but once again, it all comes back to looks.
I guess the biggest reason I am not afraid to speak my mind is, I am not selling anything, so I have nothing to lose by being honest and forthcoming and sincere (and most times blunt). I'm not worried about my place in any popularity contest, and it really doesn't matter to me if I get 100 ot 1000 messages/emails a month because at some point, only ONE is going to mean the world to me, while the rest would end up being just friends. Who in their right mind would scoff at the possibility of 300 new friends a month??? let alone gripe about it. Probably no one or very few, which supports even more how it all came across to me. Everyone has their own way of "advertising". POF even encourages us to become salesmen with our profiles. I just don't subscribe to a great many of the common philosophies of "peddling my wares". (I also dont think "men are confused" just because we arent doing what women want us to or the way women think we should.)
Name one profile that isnt trying to sell you on "how great thou art". When was the last time you saw a profile that listed all their faults first?
I honestly think if anyone is going to get to know me, it's not going to be because of a "top gun" profile or an "I'm all that" profile. It will be because someone had it in them to go beyond the text to find out what I am really about.
I think everyone deserves a response to their messages or emails, if nothing else out of pure courtesy. I think it says a lot about the person receiving them and if there are that many on one online service (not to mention the "other" online services you are a part of) to be complaining about, then I would think the solution is to limit the number of online services one is a member of so they don't have this horrid problem of having to respond to "so many people" that find you attractive in some way. Oh the shame of it... lol...sorry..this is really getting pretty funny.
Peace and chicken grease. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 3:17:12 PM | THose of us who know Ruthie know that she's not conceited or arrogant. She's an upbeat and a nice person and went out of her way for me so I know how concerned she is about people. From what I gathered, she was just commentating on different style of how men approach in their emails, and what appealed to her.
From personal experience, there are some people that you try to let down easy, and they just don't get the message clear enough that you are not interested. You try to be polite and acknowledge their email with a "no thanks", and they take that alone as a sign of interest. I do not condone rudeness, but I can see why some people have resorted to it. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 3:54:58 PM | The contact on my part is generally indicative of my interest in her WHOLE profile. (Yes I read the whole thing)
1) I never say just hi, but if a woman has one trait I really admire, but most likely is not a match, I will comment on that and that alone and I never expect a reply.
2) If I really think she is something but probably to far away, I send a short and pointed message including regret for the distance. Because you never say never. Have met some really cool people that way.
3) There are those I find interesting but theres just not enough information, That's a fishing expedition......It gets a few sentences to see if I get more info.
4) Once every few months I take the time (which is precious by the way) to write a few paragraphs to someone because I really sense something in the profile and/or forums. And honestly I get more response from the blurbs for the most part. (that something is not always dating interest.....sometimes they are just fun to chat with.....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
As to returning email.......The "Hi's" and "your cutes" (I look like a poster child for Monday Night Raw, Easy Rider, or Penitentery Weekly  where's the cute?)or "check my profile and write me"........ I don't answer unless I have interest.
If I am not interested and they write a nice note I try to answer as clinical and informal as possible to try to nicely convey the message I don't have interest. If they continue to write AND push for more than platonic banter I stop writing
I used to express politely not interested and the backlash from the women was HORRIBLE. Or they query you over and over why not. I know that answer will have a backlash
I have had many women tell me not interested(online and in person) .......It's cool, it's the nature of the beast. It only husts when they are condesending about it or do it in a public forum | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:25:22 PM | After emailing a very close friend of mine today and her getting very upset over a misuderstanding in what i wrote I can see where things can be read out of their context. I did re-read the original post to see if I was wrong and I can see where I may have read into something.
The statement that originally leaped out was the following:
I was curious so I went back and counted.....I have 16 pages of emails (thats 320 messages) on Plenty of Fish in the past month. NONE of them jump out and say "pick me" or even "this is why you should pick me".
When I read that yesterday I just thought that was a real slap in the face at the 320 guys who emailed her and arrogant toward the ladies who are lucky to get 5 emails per month.
Judging from everyone who came to her aid to defend her integrity it is obvious it is not how she meant it to mean. So I apologize for jumping to conclusions. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:40:03 PM | I know guys that just send out tons of those e mails. They think its a numbers thing. SOMEONE will respond. I have seen so many ladies that needed to wise up.
I know ladies that are so lonely or just not with it that will respond and send their number right away. Then wonder why they didnt get called.
I had one guy mail me for months. I finally called him. He would talk to me a lot.
Would always put off meeting me.
I finally said that its time. He put it off.
I went to meet another guy and have been with the second guy for months. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:19:37 PM | Thank you ALL for your responses! This is all a learning experience for most of us. One thing I think I failed to mention is how many of the 320 messages I answered. It seems some of the male persuasion here seem to think I answered none of them that just said "hi" or "You're a hottie". This is NOT the case! I try to answer most of my messages in a timely manner. There may be days when I am away and the messages just sort of get lost in the traffic. I don't view myself as arrogant or conceited, but am certainly not timid either.
People who have met me have their own opinions on my character/personality and there are those of you who have judged me because of a single post and BTW, I'm not sure the latter mentioned individuals even read my profile or the rest of my posts. It takes all kinds to make the world go round! Some people seem to carry around bitterness and express it at every opportunity.....go for it! This is the place for it. The more opinions on a subject, the better (as far as statistics go). I think the subject started out being, "Whats up with men and emails on POF" and it ended up being "Is she or is she not an arrogant b*tch". Its almost like whispering something in someones ear and passing it on through 50 people.....in the end, it may be something totally different. I think thats the case here.
To those of you who defended me, thank you, BUT there was really no need. I'm a big girl and can handle online criticism. My shoulders may not be so wide, but my butt is rubber and when knocked on it, I BOUNCE back up.....LOL
I think my point was missed here. I don't want to be responded to JUST because a pretty face popped up on your screen. I am so much more than that and I guess part of my point was, if you read my profile, you'd have already gathered that. I would much rather be appreciated for my personality and the fact that I am intelligent, but perhaps in saying this, to some I have probably just reinforced what they thought in the first place: "shes an arrogant b*tch" You know what they say about opinions! ;)
FYI: I started seeing someone, but will still be posting here. I've made a lot of friends here and am happy to be a part of POF. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:36:05 PM | WHOA: THIS comes straight from a profile which belongs to an individual who is judging me as arrogant and conceited: Check this out
People seem to judge you pretty harshly on profiles. I think that's wrong. The judging also seems to come from people who would rather not be judged.
I was a nationally ranked Darter in the ADA and ranked 40th in the State of Florida a few years ago. (great indoor sport)
I am Editor in Chief and project manager for a couple blogs (which I can not list because of POF rules)
This was from his old profile which he left as part of his new profile:
I'm already happy, I don't need you to "make" me happy. If you want someone to share your happiness with, then I have plenty to share with you too.
I like to build on the positive, not dwell on the negative. There is a lot more about me, you will just have to have the "desire" to get to know me. Don't compare me to anyone else (in your past or present), I am not like anyone else you have ever met.
Click on his profile and read the rest, quite interesting.
Was that the sky calling the sun blue? | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 2:03:36 AM | ok, apparently you are still missing the point. I think everyone can see it's merely a statement you made that if a guy had said, would have been seen as I stated (twice now), and you still arent getting it. And thank you for reposting my profile to prove my point (even though by doing so you still are missing the point) as my profile is an example of what I am saying, and yet you just became one of the reasons for my initial comment.
The comment is intended to suggest a different view on how the same thing can be taken two different ways, based on gender. You made a statement that was arrogant, pompous and conceited. That doesnt mean that Ruth is an all encompassing arrogant conceited anything. And no one is calling you such. And some people came to your defense when no defense is required. That's fine. They misunderstood also.
The flip side of the coin is, that when a guy makes said statements, he is automatically "a conceited, arrogant, pompous ass". Nothing has changed since my initial comment.
It is what it is. You whined in public about something you are dealing with in private. You expected total agreeance. You didn't get total agreeance. Anyone that took an opposing view (myself and black knight) were immediately lynched. Unfortunately, this is a mentality that grasps America. Non-acceptance.
You are an "all right dude" if you agree with me, but if you disagree or see things from a different point of view, let the lynching begin. sad.
I don't want to be responded to JUST because a pretty face popped up on your screen. I am so much more than that WOW.....there it is again. (assuming everyone will automatically feel you have a pretty face because you feel you do) I agree it's a pretty face and a good picture. But...it's just a pretty face and a good picture to me. I'm not attracted to it, but if someone doesn't agree its a pretty face, I am sure they will definitely hear about it in the fine manner of American non-acceptance.
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:24:16 AM | omg........america the place where no matter what you say you are wrong someone else is right, and you almost always get criticized for an opinion you voice. I bet someone will repost and criticize what I've just posted, and they tell me I'm disrespectful to my country by not spelling america TWICE with a capital A.  I'm a firm believer that if ya got nothing nice to say shut the **** up nobody wants to hear it anyway. so I'm gonna say something nice: you all have great opinions and voice them loud that is what makes life interesting. in my OPINION (not that anyone will care either way) this whole post thing proves my point from earlier : text words are too easy to misinterpret the meaning of. have a wonderful day and play nice kids!
ps. i bet i will get criticized for that kids comment too lmao         | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:54:18 AM |
@blast3r....i've only had 1 email since i signed up for the site with a man making the initial contact with me. the rest of the emails that i get are from those whom i've made the initial contact with. there are a lot of men and women out there that aren't too sure of what to say to the opposite, me i have my own way and my friends get a kick out of it too.
ponygrl, that is amazing that you only had one email. my guess is something is broken! | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:02:00 AM | I totally agree with you. In fact, I was one of those men who wrote just to say hi, I like your profile. What it is in many cases (such as with myself) is that many men are actually waiting for the lady to make the first move. In other words, if I say Hi, you wonder who sent you the e-mail, so you go and look at his profile. Hmmmm, he looks like a nice guy, so I'll write back. When you write back, the guy gets the signal that you're interested, even if it's just a "hello" back to him. I perhaps do this too often to test the waters due to my more unusual profile. I usually get one "hi" back for every ten e-mails I send out. The rest do not write back and only a handful have viewed my profile (of those who allow that to be seen).
So I think it is more of a fear of rejection from the men that is the issue here. It's sort of like winking at a girl on the street and seeing if she'll write back. Sometimes a lady can specify in her profile what she wants her reply to contain. Such as "If you want to contact me, tell me about yourself and what you would like to do on a date". Or "If you want to contact me, tell me what it was in my profile that got you to write and why i should write you back".
I know it's a little bit of game-playing, but in many cases, due to the nature of the beast, it's necessary.
Tory | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:08:48 AM | What I do I think is even worse. I write simply "Hi, check out my profile and write back if you're interested". Talk about lazy! I also have a habit of putting my web address down so I look like I'm using the e-mail to try to get a new shoe customer instead of a date.
Perhaps, if you look at my profile, you'll see why I only have one person listing me as a favorite, only because she wants to model for my site.
Tory | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:53:22 AM | Ok, for those of you who think "we", the majority of us were just looking at the replies that agree with us.......WRONG! You need to read back over the posts. There are a lot of people who posted in a negative sort of way without SHOUTING! I, personally took what they wrote as learning material. iRocket, you come across WAY too strong and perhaps you could learn another writing technique to get your point across because as you said, your words are misinterpreted as were mine by some. I think the majority knew what I was getting at, but indeed written word do leave lots of room for misinterpretation. The saying, "men are from mars and women are from venus", is true and thats partially why I like these forums so much. This isn't a survey you read about in cosmo....its real life people voicing their opinions and doing their best in getting their "real" point across. I think we all need to understand one another better.
As far as me stating: I don't want you to respond to just a pretty face........you're right, my opinion of my face is just that, but so what! If you have read my profile, you will see thats not what I'm all about, therefore I feel I shouldn't get emails that just say Hi or you're a hottie, BUT I usually respond to them too. Of course, I don't think everyone will think I'm pretty just because I do and its just common knowledge/sense to knoow that not all men will find me attractive. I wasn't the one complaining this being a visual world......thats not so cool that it starts there, nothing neither you nor I can do about that (theres that control thing again). I think we all hope that our responders will have enough sense not to respond to just a picture.
iRocket, just my humble opinion, but I think you have control issues and this statement is proof perfect for me.
Unfortunately, this is a mentality that grasps America. Non-acceptance.
WOW, you're trying to change a whole population. Yes, this was taken out of context, but go back and read the entire paragraph. It you are being misunderstood by so many, then perhaps as I said, you need to find a better way to express what you really mean. Words are always better accepted when they are not shouted. Try turning down the volume and reposting without getting off the initial subject. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:45:36 AM | Well, I'm a man on email and I can say that, for me, this seems like an excellent way to meet people from a variety of places and backgrounds and not be in some noisy joint where people get edgy in face to face contacts.
Here, at least, I can get a sense of what's going on in another person's head (or, at least, they're ability to communicate it) without all the physical cues getting in the way. True, there's a lot missing in this venue but we have to start somewhere, yes? If not for this opportunity, where else would we meet? | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:46:01 AM | I think that the previous poster who wrote about the fear of being rejected hits the nail on the head. We all have that fear. Only once was a guy a jerk enough to respond to me that I was too fat for him. Someone that hateful and mean is not worth anyone's time. I seem to be developing a more real expectation in that department.
I send out "hello" emails to guys and don't wait to rely on just the ones that I receive. This is really in an equal world what every one should be doing, isn't it? If we sit and wait for someone to contact us, then the world will pass us by. By sending out emails, it doubles your chance of meeting someone. Yes, I get the non-responses, but I agree with someone earlier who said that if you don't EXPECT any, then any response is a surprise. My feeling is to send out emails to those people who you feel that you have things in common with, and be yourself. That seems to be the most honest thing to do. We are all painting ourselves in the best light, but we all have faults and negatives. I joke that the old come on line was " What sign are you", now it's "Are your issues compatible with mine?" | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:03:32 PM | Hey Monica,
I've seen you in person, and your profile picture is extremely misleading. You are not at all fat and your picture does not do you justice.
Keith | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:42:45 PM | you know..its very interesting to read that....I just posted on my profile ..basically pleading for someone to write back and explain why i get NO responses..I'm not an ugly guy, in fact, i'm rather attractive, and I have much going for me, but for the life of me i could not understand why I would get no responses... i usually do only say "HI" the purpose being..check me out, do you think we are compatable enough to chat some more...
so when you say..write why we the girl should pic us..in an email..to me sounds...desperate..no? I mean lets face it...i thought first contact on here is to get to know one another..then the next step.. do you know what I mean? not for me to brag about why I am so great and everyone else sucks..lol
thank you for the post though ;-)
feel free to give me some more pointers though...believe it or not..we are not mind readers...
tommy | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 2:48:11 PM |
Guys seem to be too impatient for that anymore.
Patient? Sorry to disagree. I hate to be played with. If we hit it off after the first e-mail, I want to hear her voice. If the gal doesn't want to talk on the phone, I concluded that she is
1) Playing around, and just wants to see how much interest she can muster, for her own ego's sake
2) Playing the waiting game with me. She wants to see if her "current" choice is going to work out, or she's weighing several options, and she's putting me on the shelf until SHE's ready.
3) She needs a lot of goading, which means she's probably not ready to be out here looking for someone yet anyway.
Sorry. If you're interested, the best way to learn if you want a first date is to listen to the way a person talks. A very low voice is a turnoff (burnt-out smoker). If the gal sounds bored, then I don't want to waste my time with her. Conversely, if the gal is excited (or at least interested!) about meeting someone who is compatible with her, then that excitement will be displayed in her voice.
I have had *75* first dates on these things before I met my Ms. Right, so I know from whence I speak.
Dave | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 2:54:38 PM |
Hey Monica,
I've seen you in person, and your profile picture is extremely misleading. You are not at all fat and your picture does not do you justice.
Keith
Keith, I TOLD her that, but evidently she doesn't value MY opinion. :) | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:33:08 PM | Thanks for the compliments guys! The jerk who said that to me wouldn't believe you either, but then... I don't care about HIS opinion anyway!
To address Micro's answer to the impatient post....IT's so difficult nowadays trying to weed out players and sincere people and sometimes maybe we read too much into things. I'm at a point where I can't get serious with "The one" when he comes along anyway, but I need to get a social life and get into the dating world. I don't want to condone the actions of those who string people along, but sometimes the person may be a good match, but the timing is wrong. My divorce has no end in sight, and I need to tie up a lot of loose ends before committing myself wholey to someone, plus with my son's issues, I don't want to subject him to the trials of a blended family and the "He's not you father" stuff that will almost guaranteed be coming from the ex and his family. Consequently, I want to wait til he graduates from High School until I get remarried, unless I'm not involved with anyone anyway, then it would be a moot point. LOL | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:11:35 PM | | Oh Good Grief, give the guys a break, it's better to start out casual and find out if you like the person first, then go goo,goo,ga,ga later. Why do you want something that shouts out so fast, sometimes the laid back's are the best. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/10/2007 3:31:57 AM | Many of these sites provide advice on this, as well as many other subjects related to what we are doing here.
It makes sense to read the pertinent ones, especially for those of us who have not dated for 30 years  Any help should be appreciated. Some of us are just naturals - others aren't
That said, it does NOT make sense to be anything other than who we truly are. I am very upfront with my faults. This is contrary to the recomendations of the advice columns. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/10/2007 6:34:55 AM | | The "laid backs" are much better. I've received emails that start with, Hi, my name is -----. Here's my phone #, call me." This is a complete turnoff. I'm more in tune to those who are willing to IM, then email before a phone conversation. This gives an opportunity to determine if the person is sincere, or just wants to "hang out" or "hook up." This is a scary world and one cannot be too careful. I enjoy reading the posts - some are funny, some are informative, and some are a learning experience. Maybe I won't find anyone, but I am having fun. | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/10/2007 9:14:16 AM | | i totally agree with you. i'm on a number of guys favorites list....and maybe about 1/3 of them ever emailed me.and like you said, nothing really stands out. also, i found many of the men here to be just playing games and trying to boost their egos. 2 in particular stand out for me, and not in a good way. 1(after we met) told me i'm great and wonderful, etc., but just doesn't have the time....yet he's got more free time than anyone i know and seems to be on here alot. the other gave me tho whole song and dance of already finding someone, yet his face is on here on the time obvoiuosly hoping "something better" comes along. i find it sad how many men just don't take the time to be serious about getting to know someone. and i don't think it's being too selective, i think its just being careful. good luck! | |
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| Whats up with men and the emails on POF
Posted: 3/10/2007 9:27:41 AM | Indeed CM, there is a lot here that doesn't make sense. It's like shopping for a car, it "looks" great on the outside, but just wait til you have brought it home and drove it for a month or two. Then the truth comes out and the outside doesnt mean squat anymore. No one buys a car that looks great and runs like crap, and then keeps it just because it looks good.
On the other side of the coin, I have seen people buy cars that dont looks so good, but run great and are reliable and dependable.
POF is a dating site. That is it's sole purpose and intention. Some things should be outlawed, such as plea bargaining. It should be against the law for lawyers to plea bargain trying to reduce the crime that was committed to get a lighter sentence. Same thing with marital status. There should only be two: Married or Single. It doesnt matter if you were never married and single or divorced and single, or married and happy, or married and separated. Anything other than married or single is plea bargaining.
Something else that doesnt make sense, being that this is a dating site, the lamest excuse in the world is to say "I am just here for friends". If this were a friends site, it would say "100% Free FRIENDS Site" at the top. Aside from that, there are thousands of other nevues for staying in touch with friends or making friends, including but not limited to MSN IM, Yahoo IM, AOL IM (AIM), GIM (Global IM) Trillion, Fire IM, etc and tons of friends sites such as yahoo groups, msn groups, google groups, iChat , yahoo 360, myspace, MSN live spaces, etc. What doesn't make sense is for the OP of this thread to announce in her profile that she HAS a relationship going and then come here and post a gripe about the messages she is getting on all the online dating sites she is a member of. Why care? It doesn't make sense.
And then for the ones that are married (which includes separated because if you arent single, you are married) well...I suppose the only thing that makes sense there is "having your cake and eating it too". Seems we live in a society of rules that make it ok to do anything we want, knowing there will be ways to make it seem less severe or less harmful or a little bit more ok.
Ruthe1, I'm not sure I understand the logic there. Determining if someone is sincere is a lot easier if you can see their body language, their facial expressions, hear the tone of their voice and see if they are looking you in the eye or not. Since you can't have any of that in text, how are you determining if someone is sincere or worth dating through text?
Anyway back to the topic...Guys, I think you should keep messaging the way you are and don't worry about what married people or people in relationships think about your technique. Just do it the way you like. Women, same thing. Do it the way you like to. If some guy or guys don't like the way you do things or are that intolerable, then you are better off without them. We are all looking for a relationship the way we want to. Why should we change the way we do things just because married people or people in relationships have a problem with it? What do they care anyway.
Hugabug
i find it sad how many men just don't take the time to be serious about getting to know someone.
Just a thought...but maybe less boob-bait in your pictures will reduce the number of guys who are only attracted to them and get you more of the guys who want to know who you are. Just a thought. Personally, I pass over the pics with boob shots. Even the most rank amateurs know how to crop out or how to include something in a pic they want in it. No one posts a picture of something they "missed the shot" of. Unfortunately, boob-bait is a big selling point with a lot of women. I'll read "any" profile with no picture, and I will pass over every picture with a boob shot. The rest with pictures, I am just lookng to see if there is a smile or not, then move on to the rest of the profile. | |
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