| all oppinions welcome
Posted: 3/8/2007 8:55:08 AM | Unless the guy is only able to work part time due to a non apparent disability,and drawing some sort of pension or insurance benefit, this isn't a good situation. And I guess in that case I'd want to know if recovery or vocational rehab is possible,were I looking at a serious longterm relationship.
You don't have to be rude to find this out, just bring up the subject of his career goals. And yes, do think about the idea that he may have unrealistically high expectations of where he gets to start his career...
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 12:49:25 PM | Hello kaykitten and all other forum posters.
It is good that you want to help him, but...
People will only change, when they are truly ready to make the change, for themselves.
Foodstamps are fairly minor, but any welfare or assisted living can be a trap for many people as they become dependent on it. Many get significantly reduced rent/housing where they need to keep their income to a minimum level. Personally, I believe, independence from such things are best.
If you are unhappy with the situation, then yes, something is wrong or you would not ask the question in the first place. Honest communication with anybody you care about, is a necessity. Be open with your concerns and ask him about his lifechoice.
Is he happy with the way things are now and forsees no possible change in the future, or is he merely on temporary hiatus and being introspective about what path his life has taken and choosing more carefully a future path? Some people need more time than others to sort this out.
He may simply have not come to that turning point in his life yet, where he knows who he is and knows what he wants out of life.
In any case, if you feel strongly enough that you do not want to give up on him, then be there for him, but do not do it out of pity. If you truly wish to be benevolent, support him mentally, but not financially. Handouts do not help. True friends do.
Best wishes and luck,
G | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 2:22:14 PM | | I would say he would feel much better about himself if it worked for his and your welfare and not accept it off the state. I believe men need to work as part of there well being. is there something else keeping him from getting a better job? Depression, anxiety? | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 3:28:12 PM | as far as the work thing, he tells me that he has asked quite a few times for more hours, and thats all there giving him, i sugested maybe finding something else, that even tho he might not like doing something else that its more of an income.
as far as the ex-wife....its a sore subject for him so i try to avoid it, but what i do know is hes been divorced almost 2 years now, caught her and his "best friend" doing a little time in the shower together. i know he wasnt like this when he was with her, in fact she was a house wife, i dont know a whole lot more then that tho. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 4:29:59 PM | "but what i do know is hes been divorced almost 2 years now, caught her and his "best friend" doing a little time in the shower together."
Ouch. Ok, if anything is a recipe for depression, that would be it. Been there, getting cheated on isn't fun, and it was well over a year before I felt like I even *wanted* to attempt dating again. And even then, I screwed the next one up somewhat (although her impatience and demanding I marry her after 6 months, w/o regard to my feelings, didn't help either).
I think suggesting he find something else might be a good idea, just for the hours. Nobody says he *has* to take something, but it can't hurt to look (and FYI, after that next one and I split, one thing I *do* credit her for is she motivated me to change in some ways, and a year or so later I started looking and found another job... best thing I ever did for my salary, 10% in the door and an 18% raise in the next year - I went someplace where I felt more valued, and as a result I busted my butt for them and it was recognized and 'rewarded'). But I wouldn't push him too much in a naggy/demanding way, just suggest it might help not only his pay but his self-esteem/ego. If you really like him, then be supportive and just 'nudge' him in that direction. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 4:41:49 PM | Hmmm, Ohio job market IS tough. I agree with that. I was off work in my field for a year and a half. I hired into a cleaning company and worked about 35 hours a week and still got food stamps. I got a fantastic letter of reference from them too when I left!
He only HAS to work 20 hours in order to get food stamps to avoid them making him come in and look for a job through their system and attend classes in how to get a job. I also sold whatever I could find used at shops, garage sales and auctions on Ebay. I cleaned out my own things and sold them there. Every penny helps. There are many ways of working and making money if you are motivated to do so. I finally did find a good job with good benefits and now stand completely on my own two feet again just as I was fearing homelessness.
Your BF is making excuses. Tell him to update his resume' and get it out there. I was on, and looked on, MANY job sites on the computer. There are MANY jobs out there. They are not coming to his door. He needs to get out there and make people see why HE should be the one hired, among all the others looking too.
Sounds like he has a few issues. Maybe insecure about his abilities? Doesn't know how to present the ones he has? Maybe needs some help starting doing a job search? Help with a resume? Appropriate interviewing clothes? Knowing what to say in an interview? Almost all these things you can learn online. Clothing can be bough used at used clothing shops, and things like interviewing skills and even resume' help can be found all over the internet. I used it all to get my job! They say to look for a job as many hours of the week that you would work. That means he has 20 hours a week to look for work!!
Sounds like he isnt pulling his own weight for some reason. Sounds like he is being enabled somehow, or he would be doing more on his own. Who is supporting him with only working 20 hours a week? You can't totally support yourself on that unless you are making a whole lot an hour!
I actually got my first job with NO experience by telling the person who interviewed me, "How can I GET experience, if no one is willing to hire me?" I started the next day! So no experience is NO excuse! Everyone starts with no experience!
Best wishes to you on this. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 4:51:32 PM | Ok, my brother is like this. He works only two or three days a week. It drives me nuts, I think it is so wrong and lazy. Almost a crime against humanity and progress of the species. People like this have no justification for putting food in their mouths and shelter over their heads. I could not stand to be with anyone like this. It is a lack of ambition,perhaps it stems from depression and hopelessness, i don't know, but I do know there is nothing you can do to change it.
The only person who can change it is themselves. Sometimes people in these situations will not allow themselves to be helped. That's the case with my brother. I have spent the last 3 years encouraging him and trying to help him get a job. I've given up now. It hurts me terribly to see him wasting the best years of his life in this way. He's now 26 and I know he hardly leaves the house, I have no idea what he has spent the last 3 years doing.
I think you should get out before your boyfriend destroys all your own ambitions and sense of worth, because that's what happens when you spend too much time with a loser and a lazy bum. That, or else a huge sense of anger at the waste of potential, an anger which can never be vented satisfactorily, and could lead to you losing your sanity.
Sorry if I sound pessimistic here, maybe the only thing you can do is get him to therapy. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 33 | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 6:35:54 PM | is there something wrong with this, or is it just me?
There is not a thing wrong with him. He has my admiration. Sometimes, I wish I had the guts to do what he is doing. He is brilliant enough to take advantage of the system to give him as much free time as possible. He has plenty to eat and a place to sleep. He is not tied down and can take off anytime he wishes. I don't approve of a system that robs from me at gunpoint to give to him and others, but that the law and it is his duty to take advantage of it. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 6:39:55 PM | That definitely does not paint a pretty picture. He should be more motivated to work more hours. Something does sound wrong. You have a good reason for concern. I can't tell you what to do. I actually feel sorry for him. But, you really wouldn't want to get involved with someone like that. Hopefully others that post here will have some suggestions that might help him.
Now guys like smjle...stay away. What a loser. | |
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M2k7
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Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 35 | |
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Posted: 3/8/2007 6:57:28 PM | | If you're alright with someone who lacks ambition, then let it go. But obviously you not, hence the post. I don't know what this guy's history is, he may be restructuring his life, thinking through his life. But it's bugging you - yes you should communicate, BUT don't attack him, off solutions instead of bring up problems. | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| all oppinions welcome
Posted: 3/10/2007 8:13:13 AM |
and walk out is what everyone else has done,
i'd like to help him in anyway that i can because i care about him.
WHY ?
Do you have time after working 40 hours, looking after two kids, having great sex, to babysit someone ?
Others have passed him by because he sucks the resources out of them.
You wear the title as an "Enabler". You are the person who will kill someone with food, because you think you are helping. Seven hundred (700) pound people do not need more food ! They need diet control, by professionals.
WHY do you think you DO NOT deserve better?
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Posted: 3/10/2007 8:27:10 AM | I understand if he has no real direction... if he was able to support himself on a 20 hour a week job... they GOOD for HIM.. but food stamps.. says he is just not doing that.
Its also possible that the divorce sapped a lot out of him and he could WAKE UP eventually. I have been there... Its not easy to watch a woman you were committed to for life... just "play around" ... and THIS was RIGHT after I graduated college as well...
I was a pizza man for years getting by on 25 hours a week... but that was enough to "get by"
Now... no woman.. happiest ever... and a PE Teacher...
You like him... see if being with him slowly changes him... IF you think its worth waiting for...
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Posted: 3/10/2007 8:36:09 AM | kaykitten,
I think he's feeling depressed and feeling sorry for himself. The more attention he's getting from you to justify his current behavior, the more he wants to stay the same.
My guess he is a nice guy, but he needs a little encouragement here and there. It is also going to be tricky for you. You need to be very positive and at the same time, firm with your requests of him to make changes. Depressed people in general, do not like to hear more criticisms.
He can pick up another par-time job or go back to school to upgrade his skill, or offer to help around the house a lot more. He needs to face current obstacles squarely and overcome them to restore his self-esteem. If not, things will only deteriorate from here. That's my guess. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 10:54:45 AM | | He's mooching tax dollars. ENOUGH SAID. He has absolutely NO excuse to be living off of the welfare system. Welfare/food stamps are there for people who are in serious emergencies, not for people who are just too lazy to work full-time. Quite frankly, you as a contributing member of society (assuming), should be appalled by his behaviour, even more so because you are dating him. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 1:03:22 PM | He obviously likes to have someone feel sorry for him so you two are a match made in heaven.
As for a physically fit person being on welfare that makes him a mooch and too lazy to support himself.
Poor guy if he gets a 40 hr a week job like all the rest of us then he won't qualify for assistance. NEWSFLASH ! ! ! ! That is the idea !
There is also the likelihood that if he has a full time job that there would be a little matter of alimony. You didn't ( at least not that I saw) mention if he had children. Which could mean that he is using this as a way to keep from having to support his kids. Please tell me that isn't so. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 2:23:27 PM | there is no reason for someone who is on welfare full time its ok temporary but hes working 20 hours a week no reason not to work another 20 hours a week
i live in a building where there is alot of welfare and some are very able to work they dont want to work cause its to wake up at 5 am and gone for the day. I work and i have a good job i cant live on 500$ a month and they come to me in the middle of the month and beg for money?? wont work for me. in the beg of hte month they buy their booze and drugs then when its gone they beg for food and cash. I had 1 person comming to beg for cat food till the end of the month no way jose | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 2:45:35 PM | I know this woman who lives not far from here. She doesn't work at all. She drives a really nice car and seems to hang around watching tv a lot during the day. Not sure if she's on welfare 'cause her husband's a doctor. I know she has a masters degree of some sort.
Maybe she's depressed too. You think that's why she doesn't work? | |
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Ptree
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Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 43 | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 2:59:48 PM | | As a man, unless I'm crippled I ain't taking money from welfare or anywhere else. Only if I had hungry kids would I do it. Depression, I been there and being on welfare would really send me down the tube. Maybe I'm being harsh but I'm guessing that he's a fairly good con and is blaming "life" for his problems. And he'll probably have you working those 20 hours for him soon if you fall for it. The fact that certain subjects are "sore" is a good way to deflect sensitive questions sometimes. All you really know is probably what he has told you, am I wrong? | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 3:35:51 PM | | My guess is that he's depressed. The only one who can help him with this is himself. I'd also think that your being on a dating site and looking for another girl or couple to have "fun" with might make his depression worse, especially considering that he caught his ex wife with someone else. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 3:46:34 PM | ya47 2 and Ptree I agree wholeheartedly!
I have been on my own with my children for 9 years. I was on food stamps for about 3 months of that 9 years and felt like a true leech on humanity. I am able bodied and willing to work any job available as long as it's morally and legally inbounds. I pulled my children in a wagon through snowdrifts to clean two laundries at one point. I worked 7 days a week working 2 full time jobs for over two years.
I admit, lately I've been sloughing off with one full time and one job only call in hours as needed. I know I have to start adding another job or working from home soon or financially we will go under. I'm a little ticked that life isn't easier sometimes, but you do what you gotta do. I'm disgusted with able bodied people soaking the system. I've been told by well meaning people that I should stop working so much and get assistance, but that just is not my cup of tea, nor do I want my kids growing up looking for hand outs.
There are ALWAYS jobs to be had doing something. Maybe it won't be something he LIKES or went to school for at this time, but no job is beneath someone who truly wants to support themselves.
YOU are spreading your legs for a guy like this? I hope not risking pregnancy???!!! You have two kids to take care of, quit taking care of a slacker because you don't want to be like "everyone else" who "left him." There was likely a reason they left him. Keep in mind you wouldn't know people "left him" unless he's whined about it.
Also keep in mind that you are dropping your drawers for a man you don't even know that much about. If he hasn't spoken to you at length about his why his marriage failed then why are you being intimate with him? For all you know it's a contrived story about her seeing someone else. You trust a man who is not willing to pull his weight in the world?? I hope the heck you are not involving your kids in this situation.
You're obviously a compassionate person. I think compassionate people have the hardest time discerning where to place their compassion. If you are really interested in this guy then tell him you need someone more financially stable since he's obviously able to work. Tell him to call you when he's "there." Depression is an issue, but enabling a depressed person doesn't help them any. My guess is that he won't ever call, but that's what you're afraid of anyway. It's not YOUR fault he's in his situation and you have 2 kids that need your attention before a boyfriend with issues. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 4:15:14 PM | well im seeing something that is happening in my building this guy who works in renovations and his g/f that doesnt work and not receiving welfare she lives off him she gets on the net the minute she wakes up and she get off when its time for bed you never see her during the day and night she doesnt clean cook and do laundry he does it all and he comes down and complains about her to me i tell him kick her out then if she isnt helping in any way they have no kids she keep saying she wants to apply at a certain job but she isnt (she isnt qualified to work in a call center)
if i had a guy who works 20 hours a week and gets welfare?? hell i would tell him CYA have a nice life not worth my time | |
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Ptree
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Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 47 | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 4:35:52 PM |
I know this woman who lives not far from here. She doesn't work at all. She drives a really nice car and seems to hang around watching tv a lot during the day. Not sure if she's on welfare 'cause her husband's a doctor. I know she has a masters degree of some sort.
Maybe she's depressed too. You think that's why she doesn't work?
Ummmmm.......you have issues, right? It is called being a housewife. There are lots of them. Househusbands too. This guy is sponging off the government. He is taking money he does not deserve from tax payers becasue he is too lazy (or too whatever) to work. I think there is a MAJOR difference. | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 4:55:11 PM |
He is taking money he does not deserve from tax payers becasue he is too lazy (or too whatever) to work. I think there is a MAJOR difference.
Oh. How about if the guy didn't collect welfare? And, if the woman down the street with the doctor husband refuses to work? | |
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Posted: 3/10/2007 5:27:00 PM | | If she has a doctor for a husband and doesn't want to work, why should you care? He's footing the bill for his mate. Again I wonder what business is it of yours? The difference is I'M helping foot the bill for this guys slacking. WHY should MY paycheck go to helping slackers when I have kids to raise on my own? | |
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