e7997
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Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 26 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:43:37 PM | I think that Ralph is only speaking the raw thruth of what he if feeling. Unless you have been through a relationship with someone who is an untreated bi-polar you have no idea. The abuse that takes place is intense. If it was physical abuse people would not be so quite to defend the bi-polar person but I can tell you first hand the kind of abuse they put people through is much more hurtful and heartbreaking that physical.
I am sure if they get help is it fine but what he was giving me advise on was an UNTREATED person and what he experienced was with an UNTREATED. I feel that he was honest and when you have been through this you dont' necessarily remember to put the PC disclamer of "People can be treated for this and live a happy normal life"
The issues him and I face are nothing to do with the "success" of bi-polar treatment it's with the raw, mean and hurtful abuse from untreated.
Please don't judge him or me, it is easy to say "you aren't being nice or PC with you comment" but there is a need to warn people that you CAN NOT make a bi=polar person see that they are bi-polar and that you CAN NOT change them no matter how much you love them. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:25:34 PM | Just weighing in on the RN debate here, I am a nurse as well and I agree that people with mental illnesses are still people and deserve to be treated with respect as anyone else who is dealing with illness which is out of their control such as cancer etc. However, having come out of a relationship with someone who had an undiagnosed mental illness and to this day refuses treatment I have to say that being in that situation is UNBELIEVABLY hard!! In my case I was accused of outrageous things which I have never and would never done. His temper took about half a second to get to max level. He was impossible to reason with and believed these wild "feelings" he had about me rather than what I would say. I was in the relationship a year and a half and it tore me apart.
I can't say whether or not it would be a good idea to leave someone because they have a mental illness, there are too many variable. I chose to stay in mine until it was ended beyond my control. Looking back I think I made the wrong decision, I should have left even though it would have been really hard. I definetly would recommend that a person doesn't start a relationship with someone if they know or suspect that the person has a mental illness which would affect the relationship. That may seem cold and maybe discriminating but you have to take care of yourself first. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:28:39 PM |
but there is a need to warn people that you CAN NOT make a bi=polar person see that they are bi-polar and that you CAN NOT change them no matter how much you love them.
Actually, many bi-polar individuals do have insight into their illnesses and they do have success with treatment. Saying that you can not "change" a bi-polar person would be fair if you were implying simply no "curing" them of their illness, but in the manner you implied in your post you made it cound as if bi-polar individuals were "a lost cause", which is totally untrue.
It sounds like your ex was very treatment resistive with very little, if any, insight into their illness.....which is very common for individuals during the manic phase of their illness. Sadly, the person is behaving this way BECAUSE OF THE PHASE OF THE ILLNESS, not because it is their true nature.
I don't know if you are from Canada, but in Canada if your ex was acting as though they are a harm to themselves or others they are able to be certified under the mental health act, where they can be brought in by police (on a form 10) and placed into a hospital to receive the treatment they need in order to become more "stable".
I have worked with many individuals in this very circumstance and they have been successfully treated and left with insight into their illness. In fact, I have seen some patients return voluntarily because they "knew something wasn't right and they need to have their meds adjusted".
All I am trying to say is please don't view people with mental illness as lost causes! They deserve the same respect that you and I do.
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:39:28 PM | Brad, people with borderline personality disorder are frequently as well bi-polar (they used to call it manic-depressive) because they swing from a high (manic) the world is great I am great, to the depressed pits, the world is awful, everyone else is awful, etc. Medication and therapy can vastly help this (the bi-polar part) but the personality disorder is not treatalbe by medication or therapy. The BPD person, usually a woman, who slashes themselves is well 'Into' this disorder. They want you to be the provider of their happiness, and if you don't provide them with their happiness, they can hurt you. Come here, get away, come here, get away...up and down, roller coaster.
You are better off without a BPD, having a relationship with them that is not fodder for Jerry Springer is almost impossible.
Bi-polars frequently do not want treatment because they enjoy the highs. If they want treatment and will take their medication, they can lead very normal lives.
Good luck to you. | |
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e7997
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Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:30:14 PM | seriously pinklollipop I get what you are saying but you really just want to tell me that they can change. As I mentioned that ofcoarse they can but not if they dont' understand they have a problem. It's really absurd to me that you are suggesting I called the police and had him commited.
You dont' understand unless you have lived with some one like this and you have been abused for years, the last thing you want to do is intentionally set them off.
I understand that you are a RN I also understand that you have never been in a relationship with someone with this disorder. I dont' want to be mean but I am not interested in the "PC" reguritation of people with mental disorders. Ofcoars they deserve respect but what about the people who are co-existing in these abusive relationships? Why do they not deserve respect. I get that people with mental disorders deserve help but telling a sobing 9 year old boy that yes daddy was abusive and yelled and ripped our family apart but it's ok because even though he knows that he is hurting us and refuses treatment he needs respect to.
Also you CAN NOT CHANGE SOMEONE WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER. They can change themselves, meds can change them, therapy can, I CANT. Putting up with the abuse, the mood swing, the horrible things he said, begging him to change didn't help him so therefore I COULD NOT CHANGE SOMEONE WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:39:34 PM | It's really absurd to me that you are suggesting I called the police and had him commited.
More absurd than letting him continue to abuse you and your son?, and then continue harming himself?
I was only trying to shed some light onto the situation.....and inform you of some legal and appropriate options.
but what about the people who are co-existing in these abusive relationships? Why do they not deserve respect
I never said they didn't deserve respect!
They can change themselves, meds can change them, therapy can, I CANT....therefore I COULD NOT CHANGE SOMEONE WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER.
I never insinuated that you could "change" someone with bipolar disorder....if that was the case, you'd be a miracle worker..lol....
was just trying to shed some light on the subject! | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:43:59 PM | Nope, you can't change anyone who is mentally ill...my father has been bi-polar for years, and when he is on his meds he's his old, sweet self. But when he decides he doesn't need them anymore, it's a huge spiral that only gets worse with ignorance. When he's in this state of mind, no matter what you tell him YOU are wrong. He knows what he needs and what is good for him. No one will tell him he can't drink...no one will tell him when to take some expensive meds that he hates to take so many times a day.
There is a HUGE stigma concerning mental illness...our state has shown how much it cares by closing many mental health facilities...when dealing with my father's uncontrollable rages (threatening to burn the house down FINALLY got the police there), we were told he had to do something AGAIN before they would get him any more help.
Don't feel guilty...he needs to want to help himself. Once he does and sticks with it, he will be so much happier...but you can't make someone do something they don't want to. There are many sites you can visit...one is NAMI...
Good luck. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:08:37 PM | I've never entered into a forum, but here I felt I should.
As a para-professional, I work with the mentally ill and help them integrate back into society.
Bi-Polar is a very intricate diagnosis. One not to be taken lightly, and not to be taken by hearsay.
Your fiance would be well advised (trying to stay away from the word SHOULD) to speak confidentially to a professional. Until he meets one-on-one with a counselor or physiologist, his "condition" is (layman's) theory. Any thoughts, feelings or suspicions are simply that unless he is diagnosed.
If he is, indeed diagnosed as bi-polar, he has MANY options that will help him cope; talk pschychology, medication or cognitive re-structuring, are just a few.
To support him, and as a positive addition to anyone's life, you might consider mindfulness training (most often found in YOGA or meditative exercises.)
Remember, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME, and try not to judge yourselves or each other.
I hope this helps. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:13:56 PM | HI there
I know I am entering this discussion late in the game but. I too am just out of relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder. I fell in love with him, knowing he had the disorder but being told that he had just been diagnosed and that he was going to "get better" become stable. I stayed in the relationship because I saw a tremendous potential in this man and didn't want to reject him because of a "label". I kept getting glimpses of this wonderful man and I didn't want to miss out being with him just because of his diagnosis. After a year together I realized that he was not going to " get better" and that life with him was never going to be "stable". He had irratic spending habits, anxiety and great mood swings, all this while taking a ton of meds regularly, three times a day. I took stock of myself and knew that I wasn't going to be able to deal with this everyday of my life and told him so. I took responsibility for my decision, it was my short coming if you will, not his. We are not together anymore, I still think he is a great guy, but I know that I can't deal with it. In short, I would say that you have to be honest with yourself and know what you can handle. Everyone deserves to have a relationship, have a life , but it has to be a life you are willing to take on and one you can handle. I truly hope he finds someone who loves him as much as he deserves to be loved . . . it just isn't me. You have to know who you are, and what you are willing to accept, then the decision is simple, noy easy just simple. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:15:36 PM | You are definitely better off without him.
Run like Hell!
I didn't see much in the responses to this article
about looking out for your son. Worry more about
him, and less about your boyfriend.
Don't introduce any new men into your son's life
until he is at least 18.
I know you think of him as your fiance, but seriously,
you were engaged for 3 years. He was never going
to marry you.
I don't think this guy was bi-polar at all. I think he
just wasn't happy with you, didn't want to commit
to you, and didn't know a graceful way out of it.
Seems like all 3 of you have suffered enough.
Time to move on. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:18:38 PM | Yes, there are support groups in Columbus--for bipolar patients and for their families. The National Manic and Depressive Association (www.NMDA.com) can put you in touch with local groups that can help you. There is also a group called Bipolar Bears, which meets weekly in Columbus. Check your phone book. Call NAMI for a referral.
While I applaud those of you who have tried (unsuccessfully) to live with others who may or may not be bipolar--it doesn't sound as if they were officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist--please don't condemn everyone with that diagnosis. It is a lot more common than we think--recent estimates of American teenagers estimate that 20% of them may be bipolar. Many brilliant people are bipolar--Sir Winston Churchill led his country to victory during WWII--Stephen King delights us with his scary novels and has been married for many years to the same woman, and Ted Turner owns a television empire and all were diagnosed bipolar. With regular therapy and the right meds you might never know if someone you work with or otherwise know well is bipolar. Also, psychiatrists have defined about 60 different types of bipolar.
Thank you for the kind message from the psych nurse who urged us all to be compassioinate. I too work with "Mentally ill" people and am amazed daily by their intelligence and strength. Sometimes all it takes to calm someone down is a kind word and a hug. Do not be a fair weather friend and love someone only when their behavior is pleasing to you.
By all means, get your loved ones to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. There are many meds that are successful in treating bipolar disorder.
Wouldn't the world be a dull place if we all were "normal"? We would be without brilliant musicians like Beethoven and Mozart, famous actors like Viviene Leigh and talk show hosts like****Cavett, as well as most of the eighteenth century Romantic English poets! All of these people were bipolar.
Show compassion to our fellow humans. Accompany them to a psychiatrist and get them tested and treated. It used to be thought that bipolar disorder was caused by a single gene--now we now that there are many, many factors. The planet we live on is probably the most stressed that it has ever been and life affects us all in different ways.
God created us all to be cherished--no one needs to be discarded. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:32:28 PM | | a person that is bi-polar has mood swing and should be on medication all the time. The medication are mood stablizers. He probably was not taking medication or using his illness as a way to get out of the relationship. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:44:10 PM | | But If he was Physically or emotionally abusive that is a different story. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:52:52 PM | Lyers, theives, conving, manipulative, self-serving and I put up with the crazinest.
I'm the fool. Self-centered, and what they say, isn't at all what they do.
RUN RUN RUN... | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:58:12 PM | we have to remember the love
At times like these it's easy to get discouraged and to think of walking away. But we have to remember that the hurt and anger come only because we really care. And because we care, we can draw on the strength of our affection to see us through this difficult period and beyond-to the harmony and joy I know we can have. It's easier to complain than it is to work at making things better, and lately we've fallen into a habit on concentrating too much on the negatives in our relationship.
We need to dwell on our strengths rather than our problems, and focus on what we like in each other rather than on what we would like to change. We have to forgive the bad times, and look forward to the good.
We have to forget the hurt and anger...
and we have to remember the love. | |
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cinder
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Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 41 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:02:33 PM | Bi-polar-- you need to read up on it. It is not being jeolous, that can be many things, bi-polar does not just mean a change of moods, many people do that especially if they are drinking or doing drugs.
It takes a diognosis from a doctor. People are not nuts that have this, they have an imbalance, and it is not an excuse for people's attitudes or moods. Some people never get mean that are bi-polar, i think you do not understand this disease, read up on it, don't blame a disease if he has emotional problems, could be many things.
sound like a jerk. | |
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cinder
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Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 42 | |
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cinder
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Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 43 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:05:52 PM | | rage and anger are a part of his personality, not necesssarily the disease. YOu can have 50 people with the illness, and each one is a different personality. YOu can't blame it on that. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:07:07 PM | I feel your pain ... I'm in the process of recovering from a "relationship" (almost 6 yrs.) with a gurl who suffered from Bi-Polar disorder ... Your post sounds sooo familiar ... when she was "sweet" she was sooo SWEET !!! ... (All that a man could ever hope for !!) ... BUT, when she was BAD, she was sooo BAD!! .... she constantly accused me of "cheating" (which, as you, I would NEVER dream of !) ...As in your case, she would sometimes admit to her "disorder" & then sometimes (violently) claim that everything was "My Fault" ..... She too admitted she had a "problem", but was reluctant to seek proper "help" .... I was (& honestly, still am) sooo IN LOVE with her !!! ... ... My family & friends tell me the same ("you're better off without her"), but I still miss her soooo !!! ... I'm trying to be strong & resist the temptation to "take her back" ... I know that it will likely always be a loosing situation .... What's a Guy to do ??????
Mike | |
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Mykis
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Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 45 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:08:30 PM | | Just in general, without any regard to most of the posts i've read here. Most people with bi-polar disorder lose. They lose in relationships, they lose professionally and they only ever get a glimpse of normalicy. I personally know people that are bi-polar who do not date for fear of hurting people. They are some of thee smartest people i've ever met, certainly more intellegent than most people i've met here(excecpt for maybe lollypop). They take full responsibility for their medication and any other method of treatment that maintains their contribution to society. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:11:58 PM | | Feb.14, 2006 was my 3rd wedding anniversary....my husband woke as cheerful as always did and cursed me out along with calling me every name in the book....later that afternoon he called with his usual apology....followed by the question "what do you want for valentines day"....i simply stated "i want a divorce"....i think i surprised myself as much as i did him....we had been together for 6 years and his abuse had gotten worse over the years....it got to where everyday he verbally abused me....and on 2 occasions i have been beat to the point i was begging for my life....it is hard for me to admit that....im a strong independent woman....this was not supposed to happen to me....but it did....im sure your asking by now why didnt she just leave?...to understand that you would have to know me and the way i love my family and friends....they are my life as most of you have these same feelings....i would protect any of my friends and family with my life....and that was what i was doing by staying with him....there have been countless times that he has threatened to kill my family if i left him....i know with his sickness that he was capable of doing just that....he always told me that he wanted to kill his self....he would even leave guns loaded and tell me "if you want out so bad then you pull the trigger"....it was like he wanted me to kill him because he didnt have the nerve to do it him self....talk about a head trip....i really wanted out bad and at times i thought that that might be the only way....good thing i dont have a inhumane spirit....i came to the conclusion that i had to risk losing everything including my life....i had to be free of him....on June 16th, 2006 i went and had a PFA (protection form abuse) filed on him....the following saturday the police show up at the door to deliver the PFA and i end up at safe place for 2 weeks....i didnt want to go there, but now im glad i did....those people are saints....they helped me through all the legal things including my divorce....with them i knew everything to expect....and i got my divorce for $50.00....i still live in fear everyday....i know that one day ill have to face him again....he called a few weeks ago to tell me he was back in bama....in birmingham and that he was working and getting me and him a house together and he wanted us to plan a visit in a few months so i could see what he has done for us....i called his sister a few days later to see how he was doing and she told me that she had just seen him on her visit to the nursing home when she visited their mom....and the head games go on.... | |
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Mykis
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Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 47 | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:16:23 PM | OH!
I got here just in time!!!! NO NO NO~~~ NO NO NO!!!
I went through that for 10 years...don't do it...don't take him back. It will never change. It will get worse as he gets older....That is a medical fact.
I married mine...what a terrible mistake...Everyone said DON"T DO IT! I didn't listen I "LOVED" him. oh right!!! DUUUUHHHHH!!!
He has left me, assisted me in losing everything I have...2 houses and a condo...one after another like dominoes. Couldn't work any more I burnt out.
You love your kid! Let him have a mother forget the immature and ill father. Feel no sorrow for HIM, feel no empathy for his illness...he will drag you to the pits of hell and stand back and laugh.
YOU HAVE TRULY BEEN WARNED!
Ruined and now in my mid fifties.... | |
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Mykis
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Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 49 | |
| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:21:35 PM | | I am really starting to see the difference in pattern here. Some of the examples are dis-orders, and some are just people with other phychotic tendencies. Bi-polar disorder is being trown around these days as often as globel warming to explain anything we can't quickly get an answer for. | |
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| bi-polar finace disaster
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:30:37 PM | Cinder :
I Have "read up on it"!!!! .... the person I was involved with HAS been diagnosed (by 3 different Med Dr.s & 2 Psycs.) as being "Bi-Polar" .... she's "Obsessive - Compulsive - Paranoid- & potentially, Schentsophrenic" (sp?) .... (I can attest to THAT !!!) ... Her major problem manifested itself in "Jealousy", as well as severe "mood swings" .... MORAL; "Don't try to explain to me why my feet hurt 'till you've walked in my shoes" ....
Mike | |
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