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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:13:56 PM | | for me this is an open shut case if you have children and are single i guess you have two choices get back together with the other parent until there 18 or don't date until thee 18 the kids are number 1 | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/11/2007 7:05:39 PM | for me this is an open shut case if you have children and are single i guess you have two choices get back together with the other parent until there 18 or don't date until thee 18 the kids are number 1
I have been seperated from my husband for a year and a half and I have a 3 year old son... according to you, I either stay with my (ex) husband or don't date anyone else for the next 15 years... until I'm 44 years old??
Yeah, I suppose only somebody without kids would come up with this bright idea.   | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/11/2007 10:43:17 PM | These people that say to put your child first means not dating until all the children leave the nest................ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Being lonely does not raise the quality of your children's lives. Besides I would love for my son to see how it is supposed to be between two people.
I haven't had a "girlfriend" since before I was married. I date, but I don't date often ...when I do it is around his schedule. The stress of not having interaction with the opposite sex shows...........and kids pick up on it quick.
And as much as my son would ultimately like his mother and I to get back together he knows and verbalizes that it will never happen. He also doesn't doesn't want me to be alone, He came in and surprised me when I was on this site one day and said "DAD get out of the way and I'll find you a real hottie" hahahaha. And another time I opened an email from a lady I had went on a date with that had a picture of the two of us attached to it and He said "Dad is that your girlfriend", and I said no just a friend , his response "Well why Not!!!"
My son knows right where he stands in my life, I put my life, business and everything I had on hold, and on the line for three years to hunt him down when his mom ran with him. I have custody and I gave him access to his mom despite what she did.
When the right lady comes along she won't expect me to put my son second, she will step into line and walk beside us | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:15:11 PM | "for me this is an open shut case if you have children and are single i guess you have two choices get back together with the other parent until there 18 or don't date until thee 18 the kids are number 1"
Obviuosly you are not a parent, nor have you lived in a situation with parents for 18 years who should not have stayed together.
Speaking as a once innocent child who was a victim of parents who should not have stayed together, it is not healthy for a child to be stuck in a relationship with fighting and yelling on a daily basis, all that does is lower the self esteem of the children involved. On top of that, what type of relationships does that teach your child to have. Children grow up thinking the family life they have is the norm, and tend to follow that unhealthy path, what ever that may be.
Speaking as a single mother, if you do not allow time for yourself, whether it be friends, dating, relationships, solo shopping trips, etc. you will quickly become unhappy and that reflects through your parenting. Unhappy people tend to be more irritable and could in extreme circumstances even lead to depression (working in the medical field, you see this all the time). Please tell me how it's healthy for a child to be around irrability every day or even worse a parent who is depressed and crying all the time, leaving the child to think they have done something wrong. On top of that, why should a child have to grow up fatherless (or motherless as some cases may be), and miss out on having an experience of two parents who love each other, and miss out on the experience of having more siblings and a better chance for life, as two incomes are better then one.
I completely agree with OP. Of course your child is primary concern, and even when they're 40 they still will be, however you can still have a life outside of your children. My Mother takes my son atleast every other weekend (if not more, because she misses him so much lol) which gives me time to see my friends, have alone time, and even dating. Married parents need time to themselves as well, and that is why so many marriages don't work out. Too many people stop being partners when they become parents. So what is the difference going out dating as opposed to having a night out with your spouse?
As far as letting someone I am dating not meet my child, I know people who dated for years before letting their partner meet their child, and in one circumstance he was not very good to the child ( resulting in time spent on a loser, lol). It is my personal preference to introduce anyone I am dating to my son as a friend, and that way I can see how they interact with children and how my son reacts to them. I have male friends already so my son doesn't even know the difference.
Sorry for the rambling, I just found this is very interesting post
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:24:49 PM | ok i think we are getting of on the wrong foot here . why would anyone keep therechild in an inviroment of fighting and screaming . second does this fighting and screaming start as soon as the baby was born or was it happening before any kids wherein the picture.
my post is aimed at certain people whether they are male or female single parents that got rid of there partner because of small and childish reasons instead of growing up and becoming an adult . | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/12/2007 12:47:46 PM | Hello Everyone..
Well I been a single parent now for 16 years.. my kids are never in a back seat or back burner.. I inclued them on every dission in the house ... from cooking ,cleaning,camping,house hold chores, even the men i seem too like,I had difficulties with men in past, my kids put there opinion in and u see ..im single again..every child has a right to say what they feel.. and why they feel it..as so does an adult..u just need to talk things thru with whom u decide too be with..discuss plans ,family obligations,roles,limitations,get children involved make them feel there part of your lives...most of all make it FUN...Because family is worth it!!! | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/12/2007 1:00:17 PM |
my post is aimed at certain people whether they are male or female single parents that got rid of there partner because of small and childish reasons instead of growing up and becoming an adult .
Hmmm... well, the topic is about single parents and having new relationships. I'm not sure where the topic of why people leave thier spouses comes into all of this? In a perfect world all spouses would stay married and live happily ever after, but as you can see from the "single parents" forum, there are alot of us who are not with our significant others anymore and are moving on from that.
I have an idea... join us in the real world... c'mon over, it's really not all that bad!
ANGELA124, loved your post. You hit the nail on the head with that one! | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:25:01 PM | Re: SpiderHam77
And overall if that means I have to spend the next 10-15 years until my Son moves out and starts his own life, that I must remain single... So be it.. I would do it without any regrets at all..
Well, I have to disagree with your post. If that's the way you feel, then you should put this point in your profile, at least give women the warning, no matter how much you care about them, if your son doesn't like them, they are gone.
Of course your child is your top priority. I have a 7yr old daughter myself. But you can't totally exclude yourself and your happiness. Is it better for a child to see a parent who is single depressed, and lonely and wanting to have someone to care about? Being a parent, is very fulfilling. But just because you have a child, it doesn't mean you have to stop being a person. Your needs and desires do not have to be put on a shelf, only to be taken down some 18 years later, and dusted off. What about the child enjoying the environment of a happy family, even if it's with a new partner. And being able to learn what a loving relationship should be like. No, you are right. Our children didn't have a choice whether their parents should stay together. We as adults have to decide for them if it's better to stay in a bad relationship, or if it's better for the good of everyone if the relationship is discontinued. But I feel that you just can't blindly say "If my child doesn't like who I'm seeing, then my new relationship is over". You are conflicted in your outlook, saying you welcome a new relationship, but....
And you are going into a relationship already on the defence and expecting it to fail, or wanting it to fail.
It's about balance and letting your kids get to know your potential partner, you make it sound like you would be moving in together right away. You never stop being a parent, but you can't stop being a human being either.
From B.E.D. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/13/2007 1:38:40 AM |
Whoever I date has to accept that my children are my number 1 priority
I love kids. I love single moms. I love playing with my kid, your kid, and every other kid that wants to play hide and seek, monster tag, etc. But one thing I hate is when the mom constantly drives home the fact that their kids come first.
Of course kids come first. Its obvious. Every human organism on earth knows your kids come first. If you tell someone that your kids come first you're not enlightening them with new information, you're pissing them off. You're taking a fact that they already know and you're rubbing it in their face. And when they leave you you'll tell yourself that they left because they can't handle kids. And you never consider the fact that actually they loved your kids, they just couldn't stand you.
/rant | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/13/2007 2:37:44 AM | Well, I have to Admit that i have Dated Alot. However,,,,Since my ex-Husband and i Parted I have had 2 Serious Relationships.I mean every relationship is NOT a relationship.So i never would bring home every many i went out with.
I have Only Introduced my Kids to 1 man ,Since thier Father.He and i dated 2 years,Strange thing is they did meet him till he and i broke up,and he came to visit on leave . I was His Best Man at his wedding, and My Kids Love him.They know we dated, but also Know that he is Now my Best friend in the World. and if one of them does Something Wrong they call Him to have him tell me.
Am i hiding the Fact that i have Kids..Hell No ! However i do make a Point to Say " Look, Bob,tom ,dick harry, whever, "I have 3 girls, I make it a poing to Not talk about my Kids to men i Date ,because this is About you and i Right Now, However if you have 1 question i'll answer it, and after that you have no reason to ask questions About them". Most guys have for the Most part respected that. after 6 months of dating my current is Starting to Ask Questions. As are they. HOWEVER i am Not ready. Why ?Most men have the Same thoughts " she is looking for a new daddy"Right. ? Hell No My Kids have a dad.So i allow myself and them to see that before i can bring you into my Childs life i have to see if you are good for mine,I mean you may eat a Mean P**** or jump my Bones till i yell yea haw , But that does not mean i want my kids in your life or you in thiers for that Moment.
My best girl friend and i are not Speaking, Why, she met a Many last june, they dated, HELL ! he almost moved in. then it was over in Oct. In december she met a man on yahoo personals and they are getting married In june. What about her Son >? he loves the last guy and Hates this Guy , Because this man has a Kid.Not to mention he is taking his mother after they have been alone since he was 2..I do what i do for my kids safety. It may not work for you But it works for me...Just my 2 cents | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/13/2007 7:37:55 AM |
I love kids. I love single moms. I love playing with my kid, your kid, and every other kid that wants to play hide and seek, monster tag, etc. But one thing I hate is when the mom constantly drives home the fact that their kids come first.
Of course kids come first. Its obvious. Every human organism on earth knows your kids come first. If you tell someone that your kids come first you're not enlightening them with new information, you're pissing them off. You're taking a fact that they already know and you're rubbing it in their face. And when they leave you you'll tell yourself that they left because they can't handle kids. And you never consider the fact that actually they loved your kids, they just couldn't stand you.
Very well put...Children do come first especially when they're small...but as can happen with their biological parents if they stayed together, and/or the parent and step-parent, when the adults don't make sure they also have a life together their relationship will eventually fall apart once the children are grown and living their own lives. There's a balance that needs to be struck between when one's children and when one's partner comes first...or else the partners will grow apart instead of growing together, and when the kids are out on their own, the partners won't have much in common any more and this is usually when they separate. So I don't need someone to tell me their kids come 'first'...their kids *had* better be important to them and yes, many times they come before anything/anyone else...but if one's partner is never put 'first' then the adult relationship will suffer...achieving that balance can be done without taking away anything from either side - the kids or the partner. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/18/2007 5:47:42 PM | proliberate: I am actually surprised that the 'nobody between me and my child' types didn't flame you. LOL
I'm one of the single parents who found that balance. I didn't increase time away from my child at all. I didn't have to, right from the get go I always took some time for me away from my son. I needed it for my social and mental balance and sanity. It also made his separation anxiety less when I started working about seven months after his birth. I still took as much as 8 hours away each week for me, except that when someone found me (yes that wording, I honestly was not looking) I used that time to know my now partner. He took the time everyday to see me wherever I was working just for some extra couple time without it taking me away from my young child anymore. That type of consideration on behalf of a childless single person speaks volumes about their character. I see from posts on this thread that some childless singles have that type of consideration too for us parents. Bravo!! | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:13:17 PM | I see this quote "children come first to the exclusion of everything else."
Seems like coming first means other things might still be there - in second place, third, etc - not excluded.
While my children do come first. It's important that i also be a good partner, adn one gift that I can give the kids is them seeing a good relationship with someone. My ex and I didn't give them that gift; I'm hoping that I can do that better.
It isn't easy. I think many single people have this idea that if they aren't first, they aren't anything. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 6/10/2007 6:53:58 PM | OP your mother was a wise woman. Pity there aren't more like her.
Of course kids come first. Its obvious. Every human organism on earth knows your kids come first. If you tell someone that your kids come first you're not enlightening them with new information, you're pissing them off. You're taking a fact that they already know and you're rubbing it in their face. And when they leave you you'll tell yourself that they left because they can't handle kids. And you never consider the fact that actually they loved your kids, they just couldn't stand you.
+5
As a former poster on here once said. ( I forget who just now) Somtimes its not the kids sometimes it's you.
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 6/11/2007 5:22:16 AM | hi i am dating a single dad and am very accepting that his son comes first. i get on great with the son but his dad treats me like a leper when he is around...i know he is doing what is best for his son but there is more than the childs feelings at stake if single parents want to start something fresh with someone.
my man was single for six years before he met me and dedicated his whole life to his son's happiness ...these situations are delicate and awkward for all concerned... but i think single parents need love too! | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 6/11/2007 6:55:04 AM |
My brother has no kids and is in his 30's. He has dated some women with kids and has said how some can be so involved with motherhood that they acted like he didn't exsist. He said he went into the relationship with the understanding that her kids were very important to her, but he felt like an outcast in what was supposed to be a relationship. He found it frustrating.
It can also be very frustrating for a single mom to find a guy who wants to be the center of attention knowing that she does have kids and is working her butt off to balance everything.....Of course my goal is to find somebody I am going to be happy with and love but it will be hard if my children and my future partner whoever he may be don't jive. It's a catch 22, I don't try to or want to ignore my children for the man in my life but at the same time I do want the man in my life to feel special too.....It takes balance to make it all work. I obviously want to be with a guy that likes kids, and has strong family values....Somebody I can include in my activities with my kids, as well as the nights when I get a sitter (which I have no problem doing) we can go out and enjoy time alone. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 6/11/2007 8:07:43 AM | One of the things we have to take into account in being a Single Parent is the effect of our lives on our kids.. I know it may seem unfair. But the moment you willingly became a parent. You decided that your desires and wishes will always take a back seat to your children's needs.
Totally on the mark with those comments...can 't say it better. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 6/11/2007 12:51:05 PM | | To me, kids are always first. No matter how much you fall in love with someone, they must accept the kids are and will be number uno. When I met my ex wife, I had a son from a previous relationship. She at first acted like he was a disease. Then I told her that if she wished to make me choose between him and her, she would be the one to go. I could always find another mate, but how can you replace a child? | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 47 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/12/2007 10:56:02 AM |
My brother has no kids and is in his 30's. He has dated some women with kids and has said how some can be so involved with motherhood that they acted like he didn't exsist. He said he went into the relationship with the understanding that her kids were very important to her, but he felt like an outcast in what was supposed to be a relationship.
That is only one of the major reasons that single parents, especially teens through mid-twenties are less desirable than singles. It is not a matter of what is right or wrong or how things should be; the fact is, they have children and problems that others don't want.
However, it is not hopeless. To compensate for the unwanted children and problems, all single parents need do is to lower their standards. It is very unrealistic for them to expect to compete with their otherwise equally attractive single counterparts. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:43:07 AM | Ok, my opinion on priorities and relationships:
To have a relationship when you have kids, there needs to be a set of balance, I think most can agree on that. Of course, we need a time for ourself, but also need time for the kids to feel important.
I don't believe that priorities are needed except in situations where you just started a new relationship, you have very young children, and you're kids are sick. There may be other valid reasons, but I think it just depends on the situation that makes a parent to put the kids first. It shouldn't be a battle of it's either me or the kids cuz that's just ridiculous. It's not a game or a battle to whomever wins. In any relationship, there needs to be a balance of giving and taking. If you have this mindset of it's me or them, it just sounds l ike the person who gives that ultimatum, is a taker but not a giver. As well as putting you in aposition that yes of course you'll chose your kids because they are your flesh and blood. But again it depends on the situation when he feels he's not feeling important in a relationship. But that's where the couple needs to get together and talk about their feelings and how to resolve it. Perhaps when you meet someone, the wording should be different, like, til I get to know you better, my priorities are set to my c hild so that he/she may adjust to haivng me with someone. Then after a period of itme, it's up to the single parent to find a balance of how to have a relationship yet have the time for the kids and including them in the dates as well as alone time.
As for the person who wants to be #1 when you have kids, that's just selfish in my opinion. As long as you can find balance to have time for everyone, why does it have to be a childish behavior to say I want to be #1 no matter what? We grow up learning that we need to share then when we have kids, we teach them to share and so forth. As well as growing up feeling that we don't always have to be #1 as long as we are happy and had fun, and we teach that to our kids. Yes perhaps sometimes being #1 will be great and appreciated, but it's also anice feeling that we could put someone else as first and let them feel appreciated. Wouildn't everyone feel happy and important, rather than having the kids feel they are put behind cuz the person the mom/dad dates want to be #1 or the person you date has to be put behind so the kids are first? | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:56:28 AM | having kids impact relationships because the person u date is never the priority, they come in knowing they are two or three on the list; an its hard to build a relationship w/someone when they expect u to make them a priority. But its not the same towards u, i don't even have custody of my kid; but i see her alot and do alot for her, an it has impacted relationships cus the girl felt overshadowed.
even women w/kids get frustrated cus they want to feel as a focus in the relationship, an they get frustrated; even though they come from a similar situation.
its always hard, wether single or married/dating when kids are involved its hard to maintain ur knowledge of one another as seperate entities (i.e. non parental roles); u fall into mom and dad an forget about being fun, romantic, sexy, etc.
always hard
esp when u have kids and are a single parent-an trying to get into dating; people want to feel important and when u have a kid and try ur best for ur kid its hard to do that, just gotta find a person who gets it/accepts it/deals w/it | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/12/2007 12:18:24 PM | when i say kids come first it certainly does not mean a gf or wife is second class as some have put. It simply means i am responsible for children who require my attention at times and sometimes their needs come before my personally wants/desires.
I have made it clear to my daughters that i am entitled to have a gf and a social life too. I have explained to my children that sometimes dad needs a nite out weather it is with the boys or on a date. My ex is getting remarried this fall so my children have no problem with this. They understand that they come first but there are boundaries with this, hence that dad (and mom) have a life too.
I am willing to be a good partner along with being a good dad. I believe family is a team environment. It requires balance. Sometimes everyone in the household should do things together and sometimes dad and gf can do things alone.
Team in my home stands for;
T- Together
E- Everyone
A -Achieves
M- More | |
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