Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 101 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 4:33:46 PM | ^^^^joint guardianship gives both parents the right to make children decisions on social issues such as education and religion.
I still do not see how the law relates to your opinon, on how the ex spouse lives with her boyfriend. You could never win in court on that principle.
But i do understand your right to choose and your personal values. To each their own. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 6:04:07 PM | smjle... the biggest reason for the whole concept of "children come first" for ANY parent... let alone single parents, and the people dating them sometimes must be "relegated to second class status" is because children are just that - CHILDREN and cannot take care of themselves, but grown men CAN take care of themselves. See the BIG difference there? The children should come first even to the partner dating a single parent because that is part of being a responsible, loving, caring ADULT... and if a man is so insecure or immature that he's going to "feel" second best over little people who CANNOT take care of themselves and need the adults in their lives to take care of, guide, teach, and look out for them, then I guess it WOULD be best for you to move on.
I know you're only 24, but you ARE an adult who can very well take care of himself now.... remember that the next time you feel like you are competing with a MINOR CHILD.  | |
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GEOSC
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 103 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 6:11:33 PM | | i WOULD LIKE TO SAY YOUR KIDS SHOULD COME FIRST UNTILL YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE GOING TO BE WITH IS THE ONE THAN IT SHOULD BE a little give and take | |
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GEOSC
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 104 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 6:15:20 PM | | my x waited 2 weeks after divorce to meet her new boyfriend we made agreement to both wait for awhile (well i am on here so i dont have girlfriend) | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 7:03:09 PM |
I still do not see how the law relates to your opinon
I'm not saying there is a law that applies. I'm saying it would be the basis for me to apply for full custody of my children. Would I win, who knows? I'm sure parents have applied for full custody for lesser, spiteful, and more trivial reasons. But it's something about which I feel strongly so I feel I would have no option other than to fight for what I believe is right. Sometimes you have to have the courage of your convictions. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:10:38 PM | Rip
I was on the other side of the equation in my relationship. The biological father had the same thoughts as you. His main concern was for his own thoughts and not what was best for the children.
From everything I witnessed it was detrimental to the mental welfare of the children, furthermore he ended up driving a wedge between himself and his own children. That was something that he did all by himself.
I would hate for that happen to you as well, or any other loving father.
I was all for the kids having close interaction with their father. His uncompromising attitude doomed that from the start. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/16/2007 10:36:05 PM | rjpeagles
You will not condemn imaginary bob and jeanie for their views and actions yet you condemn me for mine
<div class="quote"> a) you, not me, was the idiot who married and had children with a woman who ran off with the children. b) someone of your obvious poor judgement and who views your children as a weapon/tool of a divorce settlement really isn't in a position to comment about my marriage.
1) I would like to know how I could have known that his spouse (twelve years) would develop social/mental problems or run with our child (which we had 5 years into the marriage) BEFORE I MARRIED her????????
2) And HOW did I use my child as " a weapon/tool of a divorce settlement " ...........I requested joint custody (as stated in message 97) same as you. The court changed the custody status based on her actions...... not by my request. In retrospect, it was the right desicion. I have never filed anything to take her into court, she has had me in court 15 or 16 times........ and didn't even bother to show about half of those. SO tell me how I have used my child as "a weapon/tool of a divorce settlement "????
3) NO ONE has said ANYTHING about your children, your wife, or your parenting skills............NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!(including me) Every sane couple in the world wishes the biological parents could co-parent in perfect harmony. BUT IT DOESN"T HAPPEN FOR EVERY PARENT. This thread is not about you or me it is about all the people in this forum that are trying to provide the best situation possible with the hands they've be dealt. Some have dug their own graves........others could not have changed anything.
The only thing that you have been taken to task for is the riduculous notion that IF (see I said IF)
my ex wife decides she wants to shack up with a man she will be immediately hearing from my lawyer and I'm quite confident I will win primary, or even full, custody of my children. (your words ....no one elses) And the only way you could possibly win this HYPOTHETICAL SENARIO would be to publicly malign her as a bad mother, which you have already said she is a excellent mother. IF (again) you did do this you would diminish youself in your children eyes. ANd that would be a travesty. AND IF (again) IF it never happens I'll be happy for you and every other family that works together.
And FYI ......... as an "idiot", "of obvious poor judgement", "who views his children as a weapon/tool of a divorce settlement", my son has never met even one of my dates, I have not had a woman of interest in my home since I moved him in. I lead by MY example, and am not afraid of what he sees elsewhere. Just because I don't think marriage is nessicary for family morality doesn't mean I believe in parental promiscuety
I have never been cavalier with my parental responsibilities, I gave up everything but my very breath to ensure my parental responsibilities; my home, carreer, family(mom, dad, aunts, uncles sister while trying to save my marriage), every dime earned for several years. He will NEVER say I wasn't there for him. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/17/2007 4:31:12 PM | [It is too hard on children for the bf/gf to be the buddy buddy for 6mo.'s, a year or two ect..... and then switch over night to a parental figure overnight because of marriage or living together. ]
I completely agree with this statement. Assuming a b/f, g/f has been around long enough to develop a relationship of any sort with the children, which would be logical if they're thinking of moving in, then this relationship would have progressed past the polite adult guest of Daddy/Mummy into the adult friend of the family, into Aunt/Uncle status (not that those terms would be used, but the extended family/it takes a whole village to raise a child approach) finally into something of a role model, surrogate parent role.
rjp, do you expect that your children's teachers, babysitters etc. have no authority over them either? Of course they do. And yet smeone who has become close enough to the children and the parent cannot offer guidance, support and positive correction? You live in a dream world.
Kids come first, until a b/f, g/f has earned the right to be regarded as a role model. The shift has to take place, hopefully very slowly, until the relationship is strong enough that the children can count on it to be there to hold them up with their little worlds feel like they're falling apart, which happens as part of growing up. Kids can't feel secure when they know that all they have to do is snap their fingers and their parent will drop their S.O. and come running. What does that teach kids about respecting their future partners? Kids want to know that the adults are strong enough together to survive the kids testing. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:49:07 PM | wullis, I have no doubt you are an excellent father and have done everything possible for your children. If I insulted you, I'm sorry, but as I said earlier, when attack I attack back, which is what I was doing in that post.
betty, my kids catch hell from me anytime they disrespect any adult, including the one time I found out my oldest son disrespected my ex's boyfriend. If my ex-wife were to remarry I would expect and actively encourage my chilren to show the utmost respect to the man my wife deemed worthy enough to enter my children's lives. I would hope they grew to love him and that he would be a upstanding parental figure to my children. But you are totally ignoring my point, which is that I do not want my kids living in a house with my girlfriend or my ex's boyfriend. You ignore that the no c0-habitation edict I so value also applies to me. My current g/f and every woman I have dated seriously has had this same conversation with me. As I said earlier, it is not some arbitrary value I have chosen to hold sacred. It is based on my life experiences and the effects I have seen in others' lives. My kids don't need a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend to help raise them. They have 2 parents. And they have 2 parents who believe there is a very tangible and significant difference between my kids calling someone "my dad's live-in girlfriend" and calling someone "my Step-mom".
Dread, maybe the biological father was worried about his role being trivialized and discounted. When I was married my wife and I used to have philosophical arguments about the importance of mothers and fathers. She used to be of the school that any man can step in as a father, but that a mother's bond was sacred. That women should ALWAYS AUTOMATICALLY be awarded custody of children in the case of divorce. She has been singing a different tune since June 2001. She has come to realize how important a father is in a child's life. My father has custody of my brother and me when my parents split up (had nothing at all to do with my mother being unfit). And my dad used to think we shouldn't miss or be loyal to our mother b/c his new g/f could do anything for us that our mother could. That we shouldn't care who woman of the house was, as long as we had our worldly needs met. F**k the connection we had to our mother, it was disposable and any woman could be plugged into that role. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/8/2007 9:25:57 PM | | My son ends up on dates with me. I try to arrange things to do so it can be fun for all 3 ...my son, my date, adn I. I figure a guy needs to know my son is the center of my life right away. If he does not like my son or thinks he should be more important than my son....well....I am still single. You all are right...our children are our lives. I am not taking chances with mine. My daughter is grown...27...had her in High School and I am still over protective she says. Getting with me is getting with my kids...most ,men are scared of that. Mkes dating rough. I would rather be alone than not place my babies first. I may be alone for it too...but my kids will know it was for them. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:54:55 PM |
My son ends up on dates with me. I try to arrange things to do so it can be fun for all 3 ...my son, my date, adn I. I figure a guy needs to know my son is the center of my life right away. If he does not like my son or thinks he should be more important than my son....well....I am still single. You all are right...our children are our lives. I am not taking chances with mine. My daughter is grown...27...had her in High School and I am still over protective she says. Getting with me is getting with my kids...most ,men are scared of that. Mkes dating rough. I would rather be alone than not place my babies first. I may be alone for it too...but my kids will know it was for them.
to each their own, but don't you think you should at least wait for the second date to introduce the kids. You should get to know someone before introducing your kids to them just for the fact that you don't know if they are sane or not. It's unhealthy to put your son in that situation if your date turns out to be crazy/wierd. Your son doesn't need to be there to show that he's important in your life, just by talking about him and telling the date your set priorities should speak for itself. Also introducing your son to guys you date left and right isn't healthy. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 11:41:55 AM | First let me say that all I ever wanted from the time I was old enough to hold my baby cousins, was to grow up and have babies of my own. It was all I could to to wait two years into my marriage to have my first. Whatever else has been going on for the last nearly-18-years, my life has pretty much been my kids. And I wouldn't take anything in this world for the time I've had with my kids, they are literally the joy of my life.
What I can't figure out is, why anyone thinks that you can't have THAT, "AND" fall in love with someone and spend your life with them. First of all, we are talking about two different kinds of love. I could never love another person the way I do my kids. It has nothing to do with loving anyone "more" than anyone else. It's not a "quantity" of love, it's a "kind" of love, which is infinite. When/if I ever find someone to spend my life with, there won't be anyone else I could love the way I do him. Again, a different kind of love, and again, infinite. Love isn't "finite," you don't only have X amount of it to be divided between however many people you have in your life. When you have a second child, do you have to suddenly give half your love to each child? NO, love GROWS with each person you add to your life.
I have a lot of love to give, and I can give it to different people (kids, significant other, parents, friends) without that interfering with any one of those relationships.
It is NOT a competition, people!! If you are looking at this as a competition, either from the standpoint of the parent, or from the standpoint of the "significant other," then neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship. The two of you should have a COMMON goal of putting the kids first TOGETHER.
And by putting the kid "first," I don't mean that if you have decided that the family is going out for Italian food, but the kid throws a fit for McDonalds, so you go there because we must always put the kid first. THAT is nothing but SPOILING a kid. If the rest of the family wants Italian, you tell the kid NO, and you go to the Italian place.
In the event that one of my kids and a significant other had some kind of major friction and couldn't get along, I'd likely have to end that relationship. The reason for that is that my kids like EVERYONE, and if they don't like someone, there's a good reason for it.
All that being said...someone else said that kids don't need to be raised to think they are the center of the universe, and I think that's so true. The problem is that there are PARENTS that don't understand that kids aren't the center of the universe. They are raising coddled, spoiled kids who must always have their way...because their parents think they must always "come first." Putting your kids first doesn't mean giving up your own identity and life to give in to their every whim.
I think a good parent lets his/her kids see that mom/dad has her/his own identity. It's ok to tell your kids NO every now and then, and there's no law that says they have to be HappyHappyHappy every minute of their lives. Kids who were raised to believe that they must be kept happeeeeee all the time find the real world to be a rude awakening.
There are different issues to consider. There are kids who have a real problem with their parents relationships, and there are kids who are just spoiled and want mommy/daddy all to themselves.
If a kid has a serious issue with your SO, then that has to be addressed. If the kid is being a BRAT, because he simply doesn't want mom or dad to go out with anyone, then HE is the problem, and needs to be dealt with. I am not going to give up anything or give in to my kids just because they are being a BRAT about something. My kids know that the quickest way to NOT get what they want is to be a brat about it.
But as I said, a lot of the problem is the parents who want to be their kids BFF, rather than their parent. There's a line between "putting the kids first" and allowing the kids to dictate the lives of the adults.
All in all, as a general rule, yes...my kids do come first. But I also think that each situation needs to be addressed as it arises...not just say "My kids are number 1 and you will always be number 2. Deal with it." Because that's not realistic. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 1:40:49 PM | at some point u have to make a gf/bf a priority, if not consistently/occassionally; if u don't u can't expect the relationship to work because it will be uneven, them giving u and ur kids their all and u giving whatever u have left.
u don't put them over ur kids, but u let them know they have a place in ur life; not that they are not important or could or could not stay...
if u don't wanna give someone attention and or love then u don't need to waste snyones time in a relationship... that u aren't committed to u can be committed to kids and a relationship; but eschewing one completely for the other is not the lick | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 2:43:23 PM | | I think the key word is balance. Every situation is differnt but kids do need to come first. People should understand that they are dealing with younger minds, and things said or done today will affect those minds for the rest of their lives. Balance is good but kids need that reassurance that they matter most. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 3:24:00 PM | | If you are comfortable with having a live in BF/GF when their are minors in the home then be prepared for backlash from friends and family. Not everyone thinks it is the best interest of the children. I would expect my Ex (the kid's Dad) to object if it was me. It is not a matter of controlling another adult, it is a matter of caring about who comes in contact with your kids. Expecting the other parent to respect their children's right to a happy home and their childhood naivete is not a lot to ask. I wonder how many people actually sit down and ask the children how they really feel about Uncle Bubba moving in? | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 4:34:05 PM | | You shouldn't be in a long term relationship with someone if you don't think they're good enough to be around your kids. Simple as that. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/9/2007 5:44:34 PM |
Getting with me is getting with my kids...most ,men are scared of that.
It has nothing to do with being scared. Just means a guy doesn't want to date a whole family. Funke, you may never have considered this, but some guys don't want to have children be a part of their lives until they have their OWN children. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/10/2007 7:34:18 AM | | I don't understand why it always gets turned immediately into an either/or situation between a SO and a person's children. There are times where it can become that way, but 99% of the time, with love, patience and compromise, situations can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction. That's the way a family works, and should work- not one party dictating to all. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 9/10/2007 12:35:01 PM | | I concur, but since I have half custody I don't have as many trade-off issues. My daughter really wants me to date and is just upset that she cannot be included until I meet someone very long-term. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/18/2007 10:42:28 PM | i agree.
what a joke.
my daughter (3) would be happy to see me find love.
the main thing is that I DONT INVOLVE HER!
like maybe a few months down the road if all is going well, otherwise a strong confident woman should be able to handle her business. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/22/2007 12:02:20 AM | Puleasee boneyard.."think about the kids? you say..am I missing something or is getting out of a bad relationship with kids a good thing? And if this happens..you say dont date until the kids are 18?...LMAO!!!!!!!
It comes down to happiness.. ..my kids are going to be happy when I find someone special..that involves and loves themas well..staying away from their father...A GOOD THING...
Unless you have kids..SHHH.. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/22/2007 6:34:50 AM | | You can be a wonderful parent and still have a relationship. There's a balance you have to maintain is all. You children need to know that you still love and care for them, you still value them and you still need to spend the time you spent with them. The relationship also needs to be valued and cared for. It's a balancing act is all. I will never date someone my child hates. My son does not get to choose who I date, but I do ask him what he thinks. I do not let him meet most of my dates, only the ones who stick around for awhile. In my expirence, seems guys meet my son and bolt. It's like he's not real to them until they meet him. Good riddance. At least that makes it easy. If I do decide I want to marry someone, I will only do so if they can get along with my son. My son's opinion will be heard, considered and valued. My son knows that I have friends who call me and sometimes we go out on dates and he understands that these friends are different then my other friends. He always asks me how my date went and where we went and I tell him. When I am on my date, he gets my full attention. I leave my phone on in case the babysitter needs to reach me. You have a problem with that then you are not the one for me. No hard feelings. I do not want a constant flow of men in and out of my sons life, so no..he doesn't meet them unless I think the guy has staying power. My son knows this and he respects it. He also knows that I do everything with him in mind. He knows because I tell him and I mean it. So I'm not going to continue to go out with someone who is bad for him, because that means he is bad for me. | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 123 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/22/2007 11:34:48 AM | | My son has been through hell and back many times with me. The only person who's seen me as a girl turn into a woman and everything I been through. My son will always be first. I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life alone. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/22/2007 9:31:06 PM | | I guess I have a problem with this,that is why I am not dating when the kids are with me. My kids not getting the attention with ex and her new hubby puts me in the position to be the only one to do things with them. | |
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| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 10/30/2007 4:24:21 PM | | agreed...u need to have confidence in the fact that u r a single parent FIRST, and then u begin dating. and always looking for something to compliment your family "package" NOT complete it, that comes later....ITS DATING! | |
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