| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 8/31/2008 7:09:20 PM | WOW.."she deserves it???"
I was in an very abusive relationship years ago and got out, but it wasnt easy. The system took 4 years before the legal aspect was all said and done.
He admitted on the stand to some of what he did (death threats, physical assault) and served 3 months house arrest. His first conviction was 8 years earlier against someone else. His debt to society is now paid and he lives a normal life, too bad the girls and I dont, children ( now 20 and 16) are not his. I have not been in a serious relationship since and both girls have trust issues.. go figure.
I am appauled that comments of "deserving this" still exist. We did not wish, want nor deserve that life. Threats and fear are what controlled me. He would tell me that if I did anything (including outing him) I would stand by the edge of my daughter's grave and wonder if calling he cops was worth it.. if it was your child would you risk it? It is proven that the most danger a woman can ever face is not staying but AFTER leaving the abuser. You dont know why she remains or what is used to control her so please never say she deserve it or must like it or she would leave. What most of you dont understand is you honestly believe you cant leave. I too protected and defended him, but only because I had to or I would be on the recieving end when everyone else was gone.
It took 2 years of planning, praying and pretending to be able to leave. Here is the kicker... I sold my house, changed carreer/job, and all contact information only be told that after I did this he was given the address of my new residence, place of employment, both girls work place address and school adresses because he needed that for the no contact order which was placed on him for 3 months after his house arrest was done. So now girls and I are back to always looking over our shoulder.. yes just what we desere and wanted. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 8/31/2008 8:14:48 PM | Poor OP. She is no longer with this guy, he was deported, but she's still being told she's an idiot for staying with him.
OP, I'm glad you're out of the situation but I advise some counseling to make sure you understand your own personal vulnerabilities so you don't ever end up in another abusive situation.
Contrary to what another poster said, cheating is not an excuse for beating (he was not implying that OP cheated, just making a statement). Cheating is an excuse for LEAVING. There are no excuses for violence in a relationship.
As other posters have pointed out, women with kids who put up with abusers are at risk for losing their kids. I understand that it can be hard to leave, but sometimes we have to do really hard things for our kids. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:16:43 AM | I had many years of mental abuse, but he was always told, that if he ever laid a finger on me i would leave!
Well he did exactly that, and it was done infront of our children, so my dilema was do i stay and give our kids the wrong impression by staying hitting someone is right or do i make the biggest statment of my life and leave!
Well i left - and havent looked back since and me and kids are doing great :P | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/2/2008 10:35:25 AM | | Get out now. trust me it just gets worse. If you need insperation to leave just think about your kids. My ex was very emotionaly abusive affter i got preganant with our son then affter i caught him cheating on me with the babysitter (how cliche) he started to get physicly abusive. I left after the second time. i looked like a scratching post. He had draged me by the hair over broken glass. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:57:13 PM | I think you need to get out.. coming from a women who was in an abusive relationship for 19 yrs.. and because of that.. i have had reconstructive surgery on face.. lost my son when i was 8 1/2 months preg.. due to him kicking me in stomach.. and the one person who witnessed everything on that night was my oldest daughter.. she called 911 if not for her i would not be here today..... i love my kids and raised them myself for over 12 yrs... get out and don't stay in it.. not only are you hurting yourself but your hurting your kids in more ways then you know.. call a friend.. family member.. anyone.. they have shelters all over where he cant find you if thats the case... if you need anything let you me know.. been there and will help anyone who needs it..
Deedee | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 2:37:29 AM | | This applies to both men and women but for a women it can be very deadly. If either partner hits the other out of anger or uses verbal assault to communicate then that person has serous underlining issues they need to deal with before even thinking about being in a relationship , and if your the one on the other side of their abuse you shouldn't even question rather or not to stay. If you can't answer your own question then maybe you have serous issues you kneed to work out as well. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 4:52:33 PM | | That is what abusers do, they always blame it on the victims. In your county you got married and that is usually when they realize that they not only can physically abuse you, the verbal and emotional abuse starts first. That is why you are questioning whether or not to leave because he has depleated most of your self esteem. My mother took my brother and I to a safe home and got out! Please, get out!!! You are not to blame, he is a crazy man who will continue to hurt you and your children! | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 4:53:52 PM | That is what abusers do, they always blame it on the victims. In your county you got married and that is usually when they realize that they not only can physically abuse you, the verbal and emotional abuse starts first because they have you right where they want you isolated with them in a marriage. That is why you are questioning whether or not to leave because he has depleated most of your self esteem. My mother took my brother and I to a safe home and got out! Please, get out!!! You are not to blame, he is a crazy man who will continue to hurt you and your children!  | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 5:38:55 PM | This is a weird subject that I don’t understand y its even a question! I was rased in a house by my mom and 2 sisters and no father and it is my belief that in no way do u hit a woman or mistreat kids! I don’t understand how women put up with this kind of stuff and from some I know it seems that women that are mistreated will often do more and try harder for there man thats an A-hole!
One of my sisters was in a relation ship like this but with no kids and went years like this then when she did get out found a great guy but now she takes advantage of him and doesn’t work or have kids and he works 2 jobs to try to make the best life for her I can’t stand how she has turned out and don’t talk to her for some of the stuff she does to that poor guy!
I’m starting to see in these times nice guys finish last is a true saying!
I hope the best for u and anyone that is going through this and just say get out and don’t hold it against the next guy for ur past. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 6:43:37 PM | Believe it or not, it's not so simple to just up and leave.
The abuse starts long before the man ever hits the woman. The man tests you first, to see how far he can go. One brick at a time he builds your tomb of enslavement. Brick by brick your spirit dies.
These men have good radar, they know who till tolerate their crap and who won't. Sometimes they pick the wrong one, but they know it early on and just dump you and move on.
Anger management classes don't work. In fact, it teaches them how to be better at abusing you.
The movie 'Enough' teaches you the red flags and the MO the abuser uses and how it escalates. The movie 'The Burning Bed' shows how the woman finally killed her husband, because the system failed her. The movie about Hedda Nussbaum shows you how the law held her accountable for the abuse her two adopted children suffered. The little girl died at the hands of Joel. Joel, Heddas husband and abuser served 20 years in jail and is now a free man. Hedda is permantly disfigured from all the beating she took. They did the best they could at reconstructing her face, but the damage was to severe to fix it entirely. The little boy was given back to his birth mother. The little boy was only a baby, so he won't remember it...thank god for that. Joel adopted those 2 children illegally.
Personally, I was so sad to see Joel survived prison. Usually the other inmates kill child killers. But, alas the system has failed us once again and justice was not served up cold to Joel, the way it should have been.
Only 1% of abusive men change. That is a real long shot. The 1% is so small, that it really can't be counted as real change, but rather as an exception to the rule, a rogue anomoly.
Abusers don't see you as a person, but rather as a possession. And they do kill to keep what they think belongs to them, should the possession decided it doesn't want to be a possession anymore. | |
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| IF YOUR PARTNER BEATS YOU DO YOU STAY OR LEAVE
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:19:16 PM | LEAVE. There is no excuse for it. It is the weakness of any partner when it resorts to violence.
Whether you get back together with them is up to you, but LEAVE. | |
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