| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/11/2007 2:58:44 PM | Trouble is, the situation the OP is in the decision is not mutual since her husband wants to try to work things out.
can anyone say drama waiting to happen ? | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 27 | |
| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/11/2007 3:02:53 PM | | There is nothing wrong with helping one another,... if things do not work out(reconciliation) entually one has to go, and , the sooner the better. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/16/2007 10:37:55 AM | | My ex and I drew up legal separation papers in which we divided up the assets but agreed that she could stay in the "family" home for five months while she finished a course. I worked shifts that minimized the time that we were in the house at the same time and when we saw each other we pretty well never spoke. I made no effort to do any dating, nor did she. By drawing up the separation papers when we did, I didn't have to share any of the appreciation in the house's value after that time. The time also counted towards the one-year wait for divorce. By housing her for that period, I didn't have to sell the house to finance her deparature. It was extremely awkward but worth the sacrifice with the end result. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/17/2007 2:04:25 PM | My ex and I did this for a while..but I wasn't dating or even looking at dating anyone. He lived in the basement.. It was ok for about 6 months, then it got really uncomfortable. Especially when I had gone out and met someone where the interest was sparked, and I wanted to date.
At that time he left. TO be honest..much easier for the kids NOT living together..do you wnat the kids to think that a marriage is living in seperate rooms, no affection??!
Leaving or having him leave is always a hard and scary thing, but in the long run, is healthier for everyone. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/29/2007 10:44:00 PM | Relationships are complicated things and every one is different.
I lived in the basement at the house we owned for quite a few months. It worked out just fine, and we had an imaginary line that demarked her part from my part (It was reminiscent of Les Nessman's office in the old sitcom WKRP).
We had our own guests and respected each other's privacy and visited on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc.
When I started seeing someone, I went to the woman's place or to a motel out of respect. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/29/2007 10:57:29 PM | ~OP~ Someone contacted me some time ago here on POF in your situation. He was honest about it, and it seemed rather logical to me. Yet it just didn't feel like a good fit for my life. I'm rather strange about my private life ~ and having his most recent ex living with him while I'm attempting to get to know him would have been rather strange for me. Only you can make this decision, but if he wants to work things out, you aren't separated, you are merely married and unhappy. JMO  | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/30/2007 5:38:37 AM | if you don't want to be dating then its up to you , but I don't know anyone (myself included) who would date someone who is separated and still living in the same place with their ex.
In your situation the added problem is that he doesn't want to even leave and probably wants to try to work things out , you both don't seem to be on the same page. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/30/2007 6:08:28 AM | Oh it can be done. I can attest to that. If the couple involved proceeds in an amicable and adult fashion, it can even be financially beneficial in some cases.
Especially if there are small children involved, the smoother the transition the parents can make, the better.
The ex and I went this route. We were 'separated' for a number of years but maintained a stable home for our younger son until he was grown. Our older one was already grown and gone. We did not date, and yes, that was a big sacrifice of personal life, but it was what we felt necessary for our son's sake. When the right time came, I filed, and a few months later moved out. The ex moved out of state a few months after the divorce was final.
I realize we were extraordinarily lucky that we could do this, but it worked for us. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/30/2007 7:38:05 AM | As long as the relationship is definitely over for both parties, I think it could be a very viable idea. Let's face it, in these economic times, 2 of everything is NOT always easy to manage. I've seen instances of where 2 totally different families would go in together to buy a house if they couldnt afford it alone.
Key here ... Are you both totally 1000% OVER the other ? If not, there'll be hell to pay if one starts to date Im sure.
Good luck OP.. you face some difficult decisions and I hope it works out for you.
RebL1 | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 3/30/2007 7:59:20 AM | It will work for a short duration of time - that is until one of you start dating again... then the reality of living under the same roof will hit. The problem with living together while seperated is the entire family remains in limbo... no one can move forward, no one can go back... it stagnates and that negative energy DOES effect the children. Of course it allows both parents to be there for the kids but it also sends mixed signals to the children and they will continue to hope beyond hope for their parents to stay together forever.
It is a documented fact that teenagers have a much harder time dealing with their parents seperating than younger children do and is often related to teen depression. Seperation is never easy and no matter how slowly a couple tries to ease the end of a relationship it is eventually going to hit a breaking point. I honestly thought by going slowly and living with my ex for a few years before the real break off that the kids would have time to adjust - I was wrong. It hurt them more by delaying the inevitable. Even after years of living in the same house seperated the kids did not really see the seperation until he finally moved out so the pain has been dragged out for nothing. No one benefited from the arrangement - especially not the children.
Divorce is never easy on a family and each member has to go through a grieving process. Most will eventually move on, some will hang on to that grief forever, some never get over the grief and eventually give in to it. Communication is vital, compassion is what makes it surviveable. So long as the two of you are not badmouthing the other in front of the kids and working towards finding a way for the kids to be in both parents lives you will get through this. Consistency in parenting is also very important and should be negotiated so that the rules do not change from one home to the next. Children need consistency but they also need to know they are loved and have that security that their parents will be there for them.
I wish you all the best as this is a difficult time for all of you. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:27:00 AM | This is one thread I totally agree with. My husband and I are trying it. It is still new and painful for us both and at times very confusing, but he works in another city all week and the cost of maintaining separate houses plus traveling is just more than our finances can allow.
We have set some rules..no opposite-sex type visitors anywhere on the property. Even phone calls from such are kept to private spaces to avoid hurting each other's feelings. Separate rooms and chores, and the wife (ME!) is no longer responsible for taking care of his needs in any way (including sex!) (He gets plenty of that ). He provides most of the bill money because i have always worked for him from our home office. In turn, I help out with the money howver I can and pay all the bills--the best contribution i can make until I finish finalizing our business affairs and can concentrate on a better job outside the home.
We took the house off the markey until the market improves --at which time we can hopefully sell it for a nice profit and both move on comfortably. We both know we worked too hard to throw our only good investement away. You're right--the realtors will swarm like sharks in a feeding frenzy! | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 8:39:45 AM | By the way, according to my attorney, at least in the state where I live, If you both SAY you are separated then you are legally separated..there need not be a legal document saying so. From the moment you say you are separated, all properties between you become split according to the laws of your state, except where your legal agreement (if there is one) defines property arrangements. (In my state, everything obtained during the marriage is 50-50 unless otherwise specified in an agreement. Anything obtained after the separation (and this is why it's a good idea to document it) is the property of the person who obtained it.)
It's a good idea to have a legal agreement so one person does not cross any lines that were verbally agreed upon before. It happens...emotions and situations do change. Then, when the time comes (for either of you) to move on, it is a simple matter of filing the divorce papers.
It's not a perfect situation but it can work if you respect each other and are both committed to making the best of a bad situation. If it is too difficult to do without fighting..then this arrangement is probably not for you.
This is a brand new one for me...I'll let you know! I 'd sure like to hear from others who have done this succesfully! | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:01:11 AM | | Talk about a contradiction in terms! While I felt separated while living with my husband, it's hardly the same thing now that I've moved out. No way is living together separately the same thing. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:18:13 AM | | No it wont. if you separate, YOU SEPARATE. all he's done is moved out of your bed. the old dynamics will still be there. the old problems will still be there. neither of you can think clearly with the other still in the house. you arent experiencing life without him and neither is he. there will be very few guys who will put up with that circumstance when you begin dating, and very few women who will either on his sake. if its over, its over. tell him he simply must leave. call your mother or sister or anyone you know with space and see if you can get in there with your kids. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:18:15 AM | | I lived with my ex right up until three weeks before the divorce was final. The situation was this, the divorce has caused her some financial hardship and I agreed to rent a room, at a much higher rate than it would customarily rent for until the divorce became final. I don't dislike my ex, in fact, we still are friends. I even had her over to my place the other night for a steak dinner. If neither one of us was dating, we may even had been able to continue living under the same roof despite the divorce. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 2/9/2008 9:57:32 AM | | I let my ex stay here on weekends to see the kids while we were separated. It wasn't a good idea. Neither of us was dating, but still I felt like I was in limbo. I wasn't single and still had to put up with him, but we weren't really married, either. Once he was out for good and we were legally divorced, it felt so different and freeing. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:17:36 AM | | This is short term viable, but long term disaster! I know, I'm doing it myself ! As other posters have said it puts you both in limbo. While it's great to have an amicable relationship with your ex, see your kids, ease financial burdens etc etc.... it isn't the same as getting on with your lives as individuals, why otherwise separate and divorce for Heaven's sake ??? Life is toooooo short to live it in mere amicability with a room-mate. As much as anything else, you're teaching your kids to live with mediocrity whereas you should be showing them how to live and love with PASSION ! I see this as a non-negotiable parental obligation. If you can't do this, the next best thing is to show them that it's okay to put one's own happiness first, and seek what you desire: love, passion, connection, fulfillment etc.... And BTW, it's social suicide here, the online equivalent of leprosy! | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:34:14 AM | | this is an oxymoron,the title alone shows no decision ability and wanting something but not wanting it,like huh?geezssss what in the sam hill is going on.What do u think ur kids are getting from seeing their parents who once loved each other and kissed and held hands to now sitting across from each other not talking,not caring,not loving.I feel so sorry for ur kids and the level of confusion being thrust on them daily. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 9/27/2008 9:44:33 AM | | We are venturing down this road as I type. I am currently almost 6 months pregnant (surprise) and we have a two year old daughter. He wants to be single, however, I have been a stay at home mom/wife for the last five years and it is just nearly impossible at this time for me to get a job, pay everything on my own, etc. I have no idea if dating is even in my immediate future at all but I believe it is in his, he was to have his cake and eat it too so we are currently moving into a 4 bedroom home with a split floor plan and he can have his space and so as he pleases. I figure I need 18 months to two years to prepare myself to take our two children and move on my own. We will have to make it work because frankly, it is the only answer for us at this time. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 9/27/2008 9:50:13 AM | | It might, for awhile. I've known people who have done it and I did it for a few months until I figured out a different living arrangement. However, once onc of you starts dating you are probably going to need to do something different. | |
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| Living together while separated?
Posted: 9/27/2008 9:52:13 AM | It is hard to make it work, if you meet someone then they would have a problem im sure with it. I wouldnt want someone who is still living with their significant other no matter what the explanation is.
If he refuses to leave then i would be the one to do it, it is better for you and the kids. | |
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