| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:29:09 PM | well i really didn't read all of that...
but here is my two cents, I have been cheated on many times, and once in a way that you could not possibly imagine (if you think you can, msg me and I will tell you if you are right). Yeah it hurt for awhile, and I was pretty bitter for a time too. Now, I dont forget, but I try to give people a clean slate when I meet them, can't let one or two dirtbags or c-units keep you down for the rest of your life. Trust me. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:37:26 AM | "Without going into the details too much, it was an insecurity problem that he had, I guess. He would cheat with anyone...literally."
Here is the first way you can start getting over ANYBODY who cheats on you......
Never SUGARCOAT terms...... A guy who cheats doesn't have an 'insecurity problem'....he has a 'CHARACTER PROBLEM'..... Guys who REALLY have insecurity problems are generally the ones who might 'shy away' or not know exactly what to do out of fears because they are REALLY wanting to 'please' you....which is the type guy you actually WANT. Some of the BEST people who might be RIGHT for you DO have slight insecurities..... But they will continue to TRY non the less.
Lack of CHARACTER is a completely different issue....Those are the ones who do not give a crap what you think about them cheating on you. They do not even consider your feelings at heart. They are out for themselves only.
The biggest mistake most people make when being out in that dating world is giving 'justifications' for peoples actions, as if it is completely out of their control due to some sort of ILLNESS......
Once you actually know the difference and start demanding that you will not tolerate such behaviors, you will begin to establish some boundaries for yourself. I will caution you, that in doing so, you actually NARROW your options......there are few and far between these days who have strength of character, who are also available, and who end up actually being 'right' for you......but it will save you tons of aggravation...... | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/13/2007 1:28:40 PM | i personally couldnt.. no trust.. no love... no dice.
as for other men... no-one is created equal.. you must give each person his or her chance. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:53:29 AM | Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR at any local bookstore...usally wrapped though...see thumb guide version and see if your guy fits.
Narcissism is when we haven't got nuturance in childhod and haven't worked through our neglect and abuse...most people are narcissistic to varying degrees...me, me, me, me, me is the issue...it is a lack of concern for other feelings...when the extreme happens you have much worse disorders (behaviors), etc. The root is not knowing thyself...most people do NOT know themselves...most people wear a social mask...I can't believe how many people fall for that mask...the reason tehy do is their shadow...their denied, represeed, and hidden self...own your shadow or it will own you. www.mkp.org www.womanwithin.org www.rc.org www.thework.com www.cnvc.org
The disorder is not the person...it is behavior...one's unconscious shadow...their shadow identity...WE ALL HAVE SHADOW...shadow sabotages relationships...shadow is the part of myself/ourselves that I/we hide, repress, and deny and is often a life long process of discovery and healing...it is a Jungian psychological concept.
I know people very well...I should...I am a professional therapist. steve (cheetah) | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 12:10:27 PM |
How can I really get past being cheated on?
It is not an easy thing to do. I was engaged to be married and my finance cheated on me with my "best friend" (what a laugh) 6 days before the wedding. It took me almost 15 years to get over it. It has taken a long time for me to find someone that I can trust again. It is just something that you have to deal with. Don't push yourself to much and don't blame yourself at all. There are some good guys out there and eventually you will find one. The trust will take longer to build but it is well worth it once you find that special someone that you can trust after so long. My advice - just be yourself, keep your wall up if you want to, but make sure that you can still see over that wall and let others see you as well. The trust will come back eventually and the wall will crumble again. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 1:08:11 PM |
One day,you're going to wake up and realize how much you care about me and when that day comes..I'll be waking up with the guy that already knew "
Not by thinking like this. That's you just trying to score points in your head by having one up on the other person finally. i.e. you're still giving them power over your feelings.
Try this:
They don't care about you.
They're not thinking of you.
They're not going to.
What if they do, 10 yrs from now. So what? Your gonna have moved on - you're going to be beyond any kind of petty satisfaction it could give you.
To move on, you have to let go of this kind of sorry thinking and believe there is good in other people, and that there are plenty of good people who aren't the cheating kind. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 1:41:07 PM | Anger work...Gestalt psychology...catharisis...letting it all hang out with a therpist or someone safe or within a personal growth group.
I get cheated on when I come from denial of the warning signs of a person who doesn't communicate and when I don't meet that other persons desires and/or needs...sometimes those needs are reasonable and to be expected...other times they are a tyrant child demanding his or her way...i.e., a woman that has to have trophy guy or a man that has to have a trophy woman to feel secure or "look good". | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 4:24:44 PM | The first thing you need to do is trust yourself.
Trust that you will make the right decisions on who you should and should not continue to date.
If you've learned a lot from this prior relationship take what you've learned and watch for the red flags.
But by all means, if you do not put full trust in yourself, you will not be able to trust anyone else.
Keep on moving forward.... | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 8:35:30 PM | | Don't focus on why. HE probably doesn't know why. Knowing why won't ease the pain. Focus on you. Having been cheated on and have never and could never cheat on someone, I found that forgiveness is the first step. That doesn't mean welcome him back into your life. Forgiveness is for yourself. It keeps you from harboring negative feelings that will harden your heart. Move on, put him behind you and take this as a lesson learned. Time will help heal also. There are a few bad apples out there that make it hard for us good guys to be trusted, but trust takes a lifetime to build and a second to destroy. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/15/2007 9:33:02 PM | I think what it comes down to is you making a wise decision about the kind of person you allow to become close to you before you hand over your heart. It is very important to take things slow when you meet a new person. Allow yourself time to test the waters a little. This will allow you both time to get to know things about each other. What you like and what you dislike and see how truly suited you are for each other. That is the beauty of courting/dating for a while. Sometimes we are drawn to the same 'wrong partners' because of something that we are not dealing with in our own lives. Make sure you don't have any issues standing in your way such as low self esteem, insecurity etc. If you feel good about how you look and who you are and you feel you have a mate that is mature, a strong communicator and you treat each other with great respect then I would say, go slow and you will slowly let down the walls as you feel comfortable.
I have a friend that just went through this. She was single for almost 6 yrs! It took her some time to trust again,but she followed the advice I gave you here and now she has a boyfriend and is quite happy with him. She made sure he was honest and respectable. She took things slow. All the best to you hun.  | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:36:17 AM | Well the men i have known haven't planned on cheating on me, but somehow given enough time they always do.
Sorry I can't trust either now. i say this with tears in my eyes again. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/16/2007 3:21:18 AM | Deal with it and move on perhaps?
Not everyone will cheat on you. In fact quite alot of women cheat too so it's not only women who are cheated on. I've been cheated on by all of my ex's but i just learn from it and move on. Think more on the positive side of how to deal with it..
1) you wont have to put up with his lies and antics again
2) he's left you open for other, possibly better men to date who might benefit from you alot more than what your ex ever will now.
3) It's part of life and you learn from such things and grow stronger as you learn. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/16/2007 11:19:16 PM | | As one that has also been cheated on, I would say just give it time and in the future be very careful and watch and listen closely. Once someone breaks a trust like that it is very hard to want to offer that sort of trust again. I am always very guarded and cautious as well as extremely observant. But you can't let that fear turn you off on all men and close you in, just give it time and it'll be ok, just be careful and keep an eye out for warning signs (red flags). | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/17/2007 12:19:52 PM | Well, I can relate to your pain, as a lot of us can, about be cheated on. Yes, its really hard to trust again; a emotional scar.
From the experience, I learned to take things slow and actions speak louder than words attitude in a relationship. Take a personal approach without telling, trust has to be earned. Sometimes, you have to close your heart a little bit (I know its hard for those Hopefully Romantic types). In time, you'll come around and find someone you deserve.
I know someone's husband cheated on her. I can't imagine how she forgave him and not thinking it will happen again. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/17/2007 12:29:28 PM | yeah...I have advice. Talk to your girlfriends.
why is this even a question...I dont understand what you are asking?
How can you get past being cheated on? I would say....therapy, prayer or time. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/19/2007 5:52:57 AM | | Well you got in the same ball game as I did she kept saying she was going to quit it and then I found out she was doing it with my best friend and we were bowling together. She said she wanted to stay and talk with the girls so I went home to the kids and she show up about 4 in the morning. HHHHMMMmmm I have a hard time trusting women and I don't blame all of them but you can pick them out. But you have to try to see if you can find a friend that you really like and sstart form there. I would dump him so fast. He has a cheap place to stay and he'll keep doing it til he dies. Once a cheater always a cheater. My EX cheating on her BF with five other guys so she aint going to stop (NEVER) | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/19/2007 6:40:38 AM | | You need to realize that it was not ur fault and you can't be held accountable for his actions..... Your hot and should have no issues finding someone that appreciates what they have ......................... | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:22:43 AM | Well Natasha the only advice I can give is this... people are only responsible for their own actions.
Someone may or may not cheat on you... it is something you have ZERO control over, so there really isnt any use worrying about it.
I know it hurts a lot to be betrayed and its easy to become jaded... but all you can do is treat a person well and hope its enough. Worrying whether a new person will or will not cheat is just a waste of energy and it can poisen the new relationship.
One good one to ask would be "have you ever cheated on anyone" and then gauge the reaction. Say it in a playful way so that it doesnt seem like a loaded question.
If they say yes then go bye bye... you cannot trust them.
If they say no, then see what they think about the topic of cheating. I get a little irritated at the thought of it because I have been cheated on, and its not something I would ever do to anyone. I know how much it sucks. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/26/2007 5:03:00 AM |
well...here's my last post on this subject:
One day,you're going to wake up and realize how much you care about me and when that day comes..I'll be waking up with the guy that already knew "
it's too late for him.
I hope this works for you. (I'm sure it will eventually) I'm in a similar situation with my wife (she cheated, not me). We're still together for now but the trust I had for her is gone and I don't know if I will ever get it back. It's hard to walk away though... | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/26/2007 2:40:26 PM | While I think it was his fault,because it was you and he who had some kind of committmentr to each other, some of the cretins in another thread where I had recently posted, would tell you that it was not your partners fault at all, but the fault of the other woman, so if you follow that weird logic, you shouldn't blame your partner for cheating at all, but should just go beat the hell out of the person he chose to go with, and just give him a big cuddle because after all, it couldn't be his fault but surely was the fault of the third party who had made no committments to either of you.
I know that sounds weird but that is what some of the whackos in another thread told me, when I explained that it was not my responsibility to insure that every woman in the world remains faithful to their husbands. Some people are in denial over their own inability to control their relationships and feel the need to blame whoever the wayward partner turns to for comfort when they are not happy with their own mate. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/26/2007 3:15:36 PM | | If I were you I'd just try to realize that everyone is different and not all men are the same just like not all women are the same. Another tip in dating if you want to keep a guy around... cook for him or give him lots of sex. That should keep pretty much anyone around. | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/30/2007 12:57:36 PM | | Hey Natasha, here is some advice for you. I have been cheated on before and at first it really bothered me ( BIG TIME) but then I realized that this person wasn't for me in that respect even though I think they should have done it a different way like telling me that it was over before they cheated but as you know this doesnt happen very often. The bottom line is that somewhere down the line this person lost respect for me and once this happens it is truly over without a word said. Everyone loves a person who is hard to get..but after they catch you it is up to you to keep the respect they once had for you. Do you remember going to the store when you were a little girl and seeing something you really wanted...every time you went you would always wish you had this toy or whatever?? Then, one day you got it and brought it home and within a week or two it was stuck in a corner with the rest of your stuff and you had no interest! Sometimes when we have found someone we tend to relax more and ease up which is cool but also we need to keep in mind what made this person want us in the first place and play a little hard to get even though we still have them...I guess we date this person for life if we wish to keep them for life so maybe with the next person you meet you will spend more time dating them even after your married to them if ...you catch my drift! I wish you luck Natasha! | |
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| How can I really get past being cheated on?
Posted: 3/30/2007 6:14:26 PM | You can't get over it - not really - but you can learn from it, and learn to protect yourself from it. The important thing for me is that you don't give away too much of yourself before you feel you can trust the other person.
There is so much of this sort of thing, I think it's a good idea to keep yourself held back enough that you are not going to be crushed if something bad does happen.
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you - you have my deepest sympathy, it's a rotten thing for a person to do, and shows an utter lack of respect and dignity in the person that committed the treacherous act - it is not a reflection of you, but of them.
It's almost funny how people seem absolutely unable to control their most basic urges, and then we're supposed to trust them to make intelligent, emotionally responsible decisions? Perhaps it's just an impossible goal.
You keep those walls as long as you need them. The right man will empathise and have the patience to stick with you and prove to you that's he's worth it. | |
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