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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/29/2007 9:54:57 PM | Slide: I understand it is in the context of play. I get it.
Here's my question though: does it concern you at all why your partner derives pleasure from being controlled, humiliated or physically hurt , for example ?
I understand its all supposed to be play etc. But the why of it all -- does it cross your mind ? If a man asks me to hurt and humiliate him, regardless of how much pleasure it may give him, it would concern me. Similarly, if a man asks to contol, humiliate and physically hurt me , I would be very concerned. I guess I am trying to get down to the psychological aspects behind the person's mind -- the why part. Can you explan that to me ? ( again, I understand its all consensual and its play, etc.) | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/29/2007 10:35:33 PM | Hi Mimi,
[f a man asks to control, humiliate and physically hurt me , I would be very concerned. I guess I am trying to get down to the psychological aspects behind the person's mind -- the why part. ]
Re: your question - The why part is key. But so is the context.....if, in a loving, sexually intimate relationship your partner asked if he could wear your panties during lovemaking - would you be concerned - many women would. Or if he asked if he could dress up as Spiderman during sex..... Or if he asked if he could dress up as Heathcliff and have you dress as Cathy....
What about dressing as a schoolboy and asking you to lightly spank him...(heck, the catholic schoolgirl uniform is almost synonymous with sex......how many women out there have a lil plaid skirt??)
or how about dressing as Zorro so he can rescue you - you have to be tied to a chair in this one to make it realistic.... Some folks would be very turned on if given the opportunity to strain helplessly against their bonds before being 'rescued" by their sexy lover.....
The above contain elements of humiliation, control and pain.
Millions of people who don't identify as SM practitioners play with costumes, role play, dirty words during sex. I think that most of them do it for the same reason bdsmers do what they do....cos it turns them on and makes them feel good and keeps sex really really exciting...
E | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/29/2007 11:06:45 PM | Here is the link to the Journal I mentioned earlier. Articles in the bdsm issue can be purchased..
https://www.haworthpress.com/store/Toc_views.asp?sid=6KS2AVDU2HBM9MWNF2U0T80TB1FG1QJ6&TOCName=J082v50n02_TOC&desc=Volume%3A%2050%20Issue%3A%202%2F3 | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/30/2007 6:23:50 AM |
I'm inclined to view this dubiously. People who seek and/or get off on controlling others or being controlled might want to do some self-evaluating in my humble opinion.
I'm sorry buddy, but your humble opinion is weak and uninformed. There is nothing more that I love and respect in the world more than open-minded people... likewise, i can't stand those that are close minded. People should learn more about a subject before they inject their opinions.
Got a news flash for you, nice is the new cool, and if you need pain to enjoy sex you are one sick puppy.
So does it bother me when people lump everyone into one category. It's not all about pain. Some of it is about submission and control. I understand how some people that have to be in control of every other part of their life might like the release of being a sub. Its not something I am into. I don't have to worry about being in control all the time at work. That is why i guess i like the dominant part of a relationship. Its gives me some great feelings. It's all an interesting thing to look into, I've read up on it and find a lot of it very interesting. I just don't understand the "pain" side of it. You don't have to utilize "all" parts of BDSM... | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:02:12 AM | | BDSM can be quite thrilling. As a BDSM dominatrix, I will reiterate points made about the need to ensure clear lines of communication. Before advancing into kink play, make sure you know your dominant and trust that s/he will honour your stated boundaries and limits. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 3/30/2007 4:12:28 PM |
Why is it, for example, sexually arousing to hurt someone phsyically , -- even 'playing' at it , you still actually physically hurt your partner , eg. from whipping & caning, to more extreme pain - there is a range , I understand. (and I understand the whole thing with the consent etc.). But why is it sexually exciting to be the one to inflict pain on another person ? That is the part that I cannot understand. Can someone explain this to me ? Is it the power thing ? Power is one option. Sensation is another.
Look at the fondness in the 'nilla world for hair pulling and spanking. Same things, different degree. Why the attraction to Red Butler in Gone with the Wind? Why do women find dangerous men so sexy? Why did I get more attention when I came off the list field fresh from a fight than I ever will walking into a club?
It's part of the psychie of most people, though not all recognize it. We use words like "rugged" and "manly" or "demure" and "sweet" to cover "dominant" and "submissive".
does it concern you at all why your partner derives pleasure from being controlled, humiliated or physically hurt , for example ? Depends on what that reason ends up being. In assuming a position of power, I take a responsability. It would be reckless of me to play in such an emotionally charged field without understanding where my partner was coming from.
Similarly, if a man asks to contol, humiliate and physically hurt me , I would be very concerned. I guess I am trying to get down to the psychological aspects behind the person's mind -- the why part. Can you explan that to me ? ( again, I understand its all consensual and its play, etc.) Do you understand why so many women push and walk over their partners and then fall head-over-heels for the one who doesn't let her get away with it?
Why do so many who end relationships all the time bemoan the one that was ended on them?
I suspect that you do understand it, you just don't know that you do. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/1/2007 2:18:40 PM | | Jerry: on a strictly intellectual basis, I can understand it. But definitely not on an emotional/psychological sense - no. The scenarios you and Eternelle talked about are mild role playing -- don't have a problem with those - not asking about those. Its the sadist side of things - inflicting actual physical pain & torture - that is the part I can't understand still - how that could ever be sexually exciting. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/1/2007 5:41:03 PM | Hi Mimi,
I have described milder scenarios, purely to illustrate that participants in this lifestyle can practise a range of this type of contact, light to heavy. Usually when any discussion arises about bdsm, the main focus of vanilla interest, is in the 'pain" aspect. And yet (at least in my exp) the "pain" aspect is a part of this lifestyle only for SOME people. Pain (giving or recieving) has no place in their bdsm lifestyle or scening.
Regarding inflicting actual physical pain.....( I need to separate this from "torture" which is a heavily loaded word)...
Hmmm - so much to say....Pain is not an objective experience. It is very subjective, each of us feels pain differently...AND...a level of pain that is tolerable at one time, can be intolerable at another (ever had your legs waxed - some times are much less painful than others)
There are various reasons why we experience differing levels of pain despite the same level of input...eg.....when one is tired/hungry/ ill one is less able to tolerate pain. When one is aroused (psychological type arousal, i.e., fight, flight -endorphins racing) one is able to tolerate a higher level of pain. In addition to physiological pain tolerance differences, there are psychological effects which affect tolerance for pain. If the pain is percieved as a "good" thing, or will have a good result, we process it differently (childbirth, tooth cavity drilling, sore muscles after working out, pain from stretching muscles, if it's going to end soon, if we are in control of managing our pain, nipples being pinched :)). However, if we percieve the pain as a bad thing, broken bone, knocked out teeth, no end in sight, no control over pain etc.......we tend to have less tolerance.
Oh gosh - this got way too long...
anyway - what I am attempting to say is that pain within a bdsm scene is experienced within a very controlled and trusting environment...as one becomes sexually aroused (or experiences building physical contact) the body releases more natural endorphins (This is why TENS machines are used in many labour wards)....what the submissive experiences under these conditions cannot be equated with one's regular experience of pain...
It's a very brilliant, delicate and careful manipulation of the human body...including all the senses - thus impacting ones physical, mental and emotional experiences.
A BDSM sadist, is not torturing a sub, infact, they are supplying all the things that the sub needs to experience incredible pleasure, but cannot do alone....
ok - puttin' ma soapbox away for a while....
best,
E | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/1/2007 7:17:33 PM | I've observed both scenerios. Pain that doesn't hurt, and people that enjoy the pain on some other level (like the loss of control, or the danger, or any of a dozen other ideas that are stimulating to them).
Sex is in the head, not the body. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:30:54 PM | I know a lot of people find golden showers"gross"I for one love them.I love to feel submissive to a beautiful woman. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:25:49 PM | Dominatrix is hot. Definitely arouses me more when the girl is in control and demands what she wants me to do.
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:37:01 PM | Most psyche studies on this topic barely touch the realities and range of scope that the term encompasses. A lot of what is out there is academic based or bias.
Here's my question though: does it concern you at all why your partner derives pleasure from being controlled, humiliated or physically hurt , for example ?
Mimi -- primal desires and fantasies are a poorly studied area of human psychology, but if you dig deep enough you will find the studies that discuss this in more non-bias detail. Your partners intentions may be benign, but yes you should understand them more to make sure that other issues are not at play.
The BIGGEST mistake that subs and players make is that the intention for this kind of play is meant to be consensual. If you are playing these kind of bedroom games with a stranger then you are taking a big risk -- which sadly to some women is the thrill of doing it in the first place. That is how most of the life ending or trauma causing strategies happen in this kind of sex play. It is also an area of human criminal activity that is not properly addressed in our culture. Be aware of the risks, and dont buy into simplistic explanations about how the many different mindsets work.
To answer your question in a couple of short paragraphs is not possible. Psychiatry and the study of human behaviors is a very deep ocean.
Do you understand why so many women push and walk over their partners and then fall head-over-heels for the one who doesn't let her get away with it?
Why do so many who end relationships all the time bemoan the one that was ended on them?
Jerry - its primal female psychology. The damage that some primal reasoning does with women in our culture is an area that has not been sufficiently addressed in the public arena. someone call Oprah I guess.
Some of these questions come up over and over again - Why do women chase bad boys? Why do women get into abusive situations that are obvious to everyone else?
In regards to your other comment.....and I will try not to bore you with excessive detail...
The use of reverse trauma therapy requires many limits. It is best left to professionals or people who really really really know what they are doing. Even then it often ends badly. Its a iffy area of medical science, and good luck finding more then two researchers or doctors that agree on the same thing.
It is not unusual for women in the BDSM community to be victims of past abuse or PTSD (as you phrase it). The therapy factor for women like this is that they feel in control of their destiny in a reverse manner of speaking. They are picking the dangerous situation they are putting themselves into. This perception of making the decision is seen as a form of empowerment to them. While a lot of these women adjust to their mental conditioning, others do not. The ones that do not are often sexual addicts, and their behavior can typically be a subtle cry for help. If they pair up with the wrong kind of male/female top then the damage done can be greatly compounded.
Incidently most of what you are referring to here goes well outside the boundaries of simple female primal fantasy or bedroom game. The psyche ramifications and spectrum of BDSM players is vast. What you are talking about is a narrow scope, often falsely used by subs to justify their own destructive behaviors. Jane and Joe average naughty games are far different and much less complex.
If your GF/Wife has a history of abuse or hidden trauma in here past, and she is not comfortable with this kind of BD or SM stuff in the bedroom -- then you are going to compound that damage as a dom if you dont know how to spot it. It can also come back to bite you on the ass. You would be surprised how severe some people with PTSD can react to triggers and memories of those kind of incidents. Whether your intention is innocent or not, you dont want to go there.
For women to find BDSM as therapy requires they have a very empathic and respectful partner. As soon as they hook up with a guy who doesnt want limits (or is a closet sadist or sociopath) that is when trouble enters the picture. This is also how co-dependency type relationships in the "Vanilla" world also develop. I have had to pick up the pieces from these kinds of things many times over - and it is far more common in the BDSM and fetish community then most of the participants there are willing to admit. All it takes is 1 in 10 doms to do 95% of the damage. Statistics on these things are just not a true reflection of the problem.
If anyone tells you that there are no Sexual or homicidal predators in the BDSM world, then you can tell them they are full of crap. With this form of bedroom play in vogue now (and not as taboo as it once was) the rats have come out of the woodwork, and find many of their victims on the internet (and on sites like this).
While women may be seeking simple fantasy or more serious primal sex play, the type of men out there that offer to provide the service typically have a much colder version of it mind then the frustrated housewife evisions. Most men heavy into the SM world have very different goals then the women who are attracted to the taboo of it. Women need to understand that.
This discussion and web site is mild compared to some of them out there that cater to the BD, fetish, or SM mentality. To women I say be VERY careful before walking this path. Keep your fantasy play for people you are sure you can trust - and not to strangers. The risk and the damage is far to high.
You guys that are deep into the BDSM world can flame me on my comments if you want -- but I deal with the victims -- and I tell you bad outcomes are more common then most of you know. Sorry to be a downer but its something women need to bettter understand.
Cheers. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 11/23/2007 10:29:20 AM | Danger spells exictment, like driving fast. Pumps up your heart!
Small joke;
One day an African ambassador visits the Russian Ambassador. The Russian throws a big party. The end of the day, they play a game called Russian roulette, and explains to the African, “you put one bullet in one of the six slots into the revolver. You spin it, point to your head, and if you are unlucky you are dead.” The African ambassador found this game exciting and quite amusing. 6 months later when the Russian ambassador visits the African ambassador, he did the same festival. End of the day he lined up 6 beautiful nude women and told the Russian that any of these 6 women are ready to perform oral sex. Russian looks and said, yes this seems very pleasant, but something is missing. It is to easy, no danger and thus no excitement to get your heart pumping. The African replied, “But wait, I haven’t finished explaining the whole game. One of these women is a cannibal”
I hope this helps explain a little. | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/11/2008 5:56:50 PM | BDSM does not really get GREAT til the relationship is solid.
One night BDSM stands, etc. are not nearly as hot. Not even close.
Been there done that got the t-shirt.
BDSM or not, why cheat one's self???? | |
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| BDSM to heighten the experience
Posted: 4/11/2008 7:22:34 PM | The heady intoxication when she willingly gives control. the power and responsibility that is placed in your hands. It is very hard to explain.
Part of the depth is the trust involved and the amount we communicate to understand the deep needs, desires and wants. Every time she submits it is a choice to trust me. I can't demand it she has to decide to give it for it to have meaning.
I can intellectualy understand the gratification the submissvie feels but emotionaly it doesn't register because I can't really relate. She feels the same when I try to explain what it means and how it feels to me.
I can remember the intensity of emotions and feelings that wash over me when I am over her looking down, feeling her absolute submission. It is almost physical and it mentaly stuns me as waves of pleaure, love and care wash thru me. Feeling the duality of my nature the beast that wants to gorge in taking my pleasure with her and the guardian that watches everything to make sure the beast doesn't go to far and to make sure she doesn't push her self to far.
I gues you would have had to have been there to understand because words just can't encompass it.
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