| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 7:53:36 AM | I wasn't implying that you were speculating on it.... I guess I should have made myself more clear. You seem to be thoroughly educated in the matter... where as some can only speculate.
My apologies for the misunderstanding. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 7:56:51 AM | | For the kids in this situation "oh well its his house" and you get the "stockholm syndrome" YOu feel sympathetic towards your hostage/terrorist "plight" And, they always try to divide and conquer and scare off everyone. My guests, her guest, phone calls, employers...I had a very nice guest over one time to go swimming - decent people and the guy screamed as loud as he could, "whats she doing here. Don't let her use the good towel." This decent person said she'd never visit again. And, she never did. I was then surrounded by my enemy 24/7/365. And, so. I have been on manuevers ever since...They start verbally, the fists, then throwing, and then they GRADUATE to hitting you with stuff. He never hit me because I would have twisted his head off and floored him. Coward. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 7:58:41 AM | "My apologies for the misunderstanding."
No offence taken hon,
....I agree with you about "some can only speculate", however, .....a thread like this is an opportunity to correct other's misconceptions and ignorance. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 7:59:13 AM | | There is tons of literature. But feel no shame in calling cops on the first shot. Recording it for court (the yelling and abuse) and document document document. And, if you think you're going to be killed they say fight and at least leave evidence under your finger nails... best wishes. The first time it happens you have to smash the shark across the nose. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 8:11:02 AM | like grubeci says...there are tons of literature on this subject...avail yourself of it...because years ago domestic violence was not even considered a crime..........it was a husbands right...( no offense to males that have been abused..only speakin in general...and i have met with enough of you to know you are out there.....)
and another thing to do...make that paper trail...if you wind up being stalked it may be the only thing that will prove it..........utilize any weapon in your battle to survive...as souldragonn said...its not a fair fight............... | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 8:14:53 AM | The first domestic, he called the cops cause I was gonna leave and go to a hotel room.. only I didn't tell him that. I told him I was gonna go walk into traffic and I was 6 months pregnant. (I caught him with another woman when I was 5 months pregnant).
The second and third domestics the neighbours called. The second one he was taken to jail to sober up. The third one he was given a warning.
The last domestic I called them. I honestly don't understand what goes on in a drunks mind. I was fearful that he would seriously harm me and then who would raise our daughter? He is highly incapable.
Regardless of what happened... or even how or why it happened. I cannot change it. Only learn from it and grow from it. I do regret that our daughter doesn't have both biological parents... yet in todays day and age who does? | |
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Mi11ie
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Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 33 | |
| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 10:20:04 AM | Thanks for sharing your story. My last boyfriend was verbally/mentally/physically abusive. Its so funny how the patterns are almost the same in these guys. At first you're in complete bliss, and then something bad happens and then something worse. It was very hard to get him out of my life, but thank goodness he's gone for good.
I can't explain why I stayed with him for so long. I think that it's because part of what they do is to make it feel like it's your fault, not theirs. So you think, "if I could only do better, then things will go back to the way they were"
Oh, and fighting back made it ten times as worse for me. . . . | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 10:55:00 AM | Everybody has differant reasons for staying sweetheart. You are right about one thing, all of these guys have the same pattern. I can give you some advice when dating though. Somthing I've learned through the years. Number one, if I guy seems controlling at all..such as "are you going to where that?" or "where are you going?" "who are you going with" "when are you coming back". Or even if they ALWAYS want to spend time with you. Dont want you to have your "personal" time with your friends. These are worning signs, LISTEN TO THEM. Your interself will give you warnings, if you have doughts at any time ..LISTEN. Be safe sweetheart, there are really crazy people in this world. Watch who you talk to on here, and who you meet. Its one thing to talk with people, and its another when you go meet them. That is a HUGE step. I still havent met anybody on this sight. Its too scary. Just be carefull, watch your back, watch your surroundings, make sure you park under a well lited earea. Never walk alone at night. Dont leave your drank when in a bar. Just a few things to think about ...
If anything ... anjoy every day as if it was your last!!!
Take care
Thankyou everybody for your posts, i love you all!! | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 11:28:52 AM | | I know how you feel I was married 4 14 years and frond out when I had my daughter that he was steel married to his ex wife . he would not let me go anywhere and he would call me names all the time . he made me feel ugly and told me that I would never find anyone who would won't me but I don't give up . I know what to look 4 in a man and when the red flag comes up I'm out of there its called a control freak | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 11:56:23 AM | Everybody has differant reasons for staying sweetheart
Hmmm.... I kinda' disagree here, they ALL share root causality, ....and manifest the same. There may be some subtle differences but 99% of these things fall into the medical description of "reactive depression/CPTSD, .....
There is also, I believe a risk of not realizing that ALL types of spousal abuse should be recognized. It's sometimes harder to realize that one has an emotionally, verbally or psychologically abusive spouse if there is no physical violence.
Usually there are NO red flags, abuse is most often subtle in it's beginnings(when it isn't the chances of escape are very favorable), ....regardless it ALWAYS escalates.
All forms of abuse will ultimately destroy those subject to it. This is something that has many online resources, ....IMHO, there is no excuse for men and woman to not avail themselves of the realities of abuse in all it's forms, if not for ourselves, for our friends, family, daughters AND sons.
This said, being informed doesn't necessarily protect one from the associated affliction of psychological injury and it's contribution to the difficulties of escaping an abusive relationship, ....can't hurt though.
It's usually a third party that recognizes the signs of abuse and helps the victim escape it. As such, I believe it's a good idea that we all recognize the signs whether we experience the abuse ourselves or not.
We can never know ....one day, any of us could be some poor spouse's, "third party", wouldn't it be best if we were informed enough to recognize it as so to be able to help?
....... Because the sad reality is, abuse rarely happens in a "vacuum". | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:03:17 PM | thats a crazy story!!! it also makes me wonder why women leave me, for being to nice and or caring, my last girl broke up with me after 7 months cause i gave a valentine and told her i love you.
What can I say but that lifes a tripp | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:13:38 PM | | i was with someone who beat me, not everyday, but the things he did when he didnt beat...id rather gotten beaten everyday. the reason your never good enought o make them happy in a situation like this is because they will never be good enough for you. it took me a long time to find that out. I even knew that and i tried to be more like him, like he was commsuming everything i used to be. eventually i was nothing. i got pregnant and it got worse, and i got away, the weird thing about it was the only person i had to fight to get away form him was myself. everyone always asks why dont they just leave the ***holes...and i still have problems to this day. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:15:15 PM | | Tell me something, what gives you the right (no offence) to sit here and talk about how there are no red flags??? There are red flags. You being a male I can understand how you would not see this. If you did get beat by a "female" it is alot differant. You are much bigger and much stronger, trust me! You dont know how a women feels when being abused, so there is no possible remote way, you would know weather there are "red flags" This is coming from a abused WOMEN. I know there are red flags, ive seen it way to often. YOu really affended me by that comment! | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:18:36 PM | | Thank you for sharing your story with us, I was also married to an abusive guy. After 11 years I realized hey I dont have to put up with this, and i left with my two kids. I havent looked back. I had a PFA paper on him but he left me alone for awhile so after the 2 years was up I figured it was over. About 8 months ago I found out he has been working a block away from me. Nothing has happened yet and I cant do anything about it except quit my job until he does something. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:22:09 PM |
but the things he did when he didnt beat...id rather gotten beaten everyday
This is a common sentiment, ....those that have been through the ringer of non-physical forms of violence or abuse, almost always say this,
Make no mistake, this doesn't dismiss or minimize the severity and suffering of those physically abused, ....it merely illustrates the severity and suffereing inherent in of ALL forms of abuse.
The affects of "emotional abuse" (which ALWAYS accompanies physical abuse), have longer lasting impact on the health and well-being of it's survivors. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:30:27 PM | You being a male I can understand how you would not see this.
It is in the best interest of an abusive spouse to hide the fact that they are abusive, I'm sorry if this offends you but it's the truth.
Preditory individuals use stealth, stealth is the means they use to keep us from seeing red flags.
The fact is, most abusers KNOW that they have to be subtle in order to isolate a victim.
Often, even the close friends and family of abusers are surprised to find out that they are so inclined.
I know there are red flags, ive seen it way to often.
No offense, but if you see it coming, .... why would you enter into such a relationship, when at this stage it IS a matter of choice?
This is the basic definition of a "red-flag", ....it is a precurser to an inevitability, not a manifestation of it.
I do believe your perception of me "offending" you is in your difference of the definition of the term.
If you did get beat by a "female" it is alot differant. You are much bigger and much stronger, trust me
You have no idea what my circumstances were, my size and strength were inconsequencial to my predicament.
That you state this premise shows a belief that people choose to be abused, so does your contextual definition of "red-flags"....I strongly disagree with this assertion, as my posted thoughts support, people do NOT choose to be abused. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 12:59:53 PM | ^^
No other way...and if you have to...fight dirty....in this there are NO rules.
Absolutely....and while he may be bigger/stronger than you ....he has to sleep SOMETIME. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 1:05:53 PM | Tell me something, what gives you the right (no offence) to sit here and talk about how there are no red flags??? There are red flags. You being a male I can understand how you would not see this. If you did get beat by a "female" it is alot differant. You are much bigger and much stronger, trust me! You dont know how a women feels when being abused, so there is no possible remote way, you would know weather there are "red flags" This is coming from a abused WOMEN. I know there are red flags, ive seen it way to often. YOu really affended me by that comment!
the fact that you are a survivor of abuse doesn't mean that you are an expert on ALL abuse. No offense to you either.....but just because Late might not have been physically beaten doesn't mean that he can't have an informed opinion (and IMO he sounds very well read and informed about the subject....and has very valid information to share). The reality is, sometimes there ARE red flags and warning signs, sometimes there aren't....depends on who the abuser is. | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 1:55:02 PM | well with all the women abuse there is today, i can honestly say to kill them first, before they kill you. ive had my share of abuse, and no way will it ever happen again to me. i'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.
MM
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 2:14:33 PM | The reality is, sometimes there ARE red flags and warning signs, sometimes there aren't....depends on who the abuser is.
Which is why I said "usually".
The problem is in thinking that there is a "check-list" of red flags that will tell you whether you will be safe or not. This in and of itself is a dangerous mindset that could lead to a false sense of security.
If there were a check-list, ......abuse would be a rarity, ....wouldn't it?
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 2:16:40 PM | | I never said that I was an "expert" on abuse, nor did I ever think I would have cruel and annoying people judging what I write. If I had known there were people on here that only want to fight, then I would have never posted my story. My story was soley meant to inspire others to leave incase ever in this situation. "no affence" | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 2:28:09 PM | Cruel and annoying?
Many here have related their stories and or knowledge on the subject. You respond to this by calling them(or is it just me?) "cruel and annoying people".
You are the first to insult others, or dismiss and demean them, and are the only one I see here that wants to fight.
My contributions were soley meant to inform, does that constitute cruelty and or annoyance?
Or should I be dismissed and demeaned by virtue of my gender?
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 2:29:05 PM | I am so thankful that this information and support is getting out there. Speritualone, you are a very brave and strong woman to have come through this and it's obvious that you are not choosing to stay in the victim role -- I can see in your eyes and hear in your words that you have been hurt -- but you are still thriving and growing and God Bless you for it, Hon!
All you other ladies who have also been through this and understand -- all the best in the days ahead and may it never happen again!  And any women going through this... if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm a good listener, and I've been through it too.
I was married for 13 years to a very abusive man. When we finally packed our backpacks and ran, the cops were brave enough to tell us to take all his guns and rifles with us (gee, thanks for all the help!). We stayed in high-security women's shelters for 4 months and then in a 2nd-stage women's shelter for 6 more months. My ex has made a lot of positive changes and is able now to recognize his patterns and father lovingly. But there is no way *EVER* that I could go back to him. That would be death... in more ways than one.
My life has moved on and I laugh so much deeper, cry with all my heart, love, learn, and live every day. The whole world is a better place. I am a full-time nursing student and single mom of four children under 9... and surprisingly, life is a heck of a lot less crazy than it was in that marriage. I am very happy.
As nurses, we are taught now to watch carefully for signs of abuse -- and that includes emotional and verbal as well as the more obvious physical signs. The word is getting out there.
Bless you men who have also been hurt, or who are advocating for an end and an understanding of domestic violence.
With much love,
littlebird452 | |
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| Abuse for the ladies
Posted: 4/22/2005 2:35:36 PM | | no i was refering to you, not others that are just sharing there story. Im talking simply about the people who are judging | |
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