| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/15/2007 9:59:52 AM |
but then you find one that is kinda perfect and he never calls you back....you can't win for loosing these days i'm assuming you're not playing a game like not calling him if you want to speak to him? that bullshit is some sort of dating "rule" for women. if nobody calls, that pretty much means BOTH OF YOU are non-plussed with each other, don't you think?
my recommendation works for both genders with this "explanation" thing. here's your answer. the golden rule. treat others as you would wish they treated you.
hey it's your perogative to ignore or answer somebody's correspondences when they follow up after a 1st date. of course if you feel "disappearing" is warranted that's ok. personally i think you answer the correspondences to a certain degree if you respect and like somebody despite not feeling dating chemistry. this is how a respectful person acts, in my opinion. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:03:28 AM | I agree with alot of the previous posters that the silent treatment is just unacceptable. It you only had one date, although it is still tacky, it wouldn't be so bad. It's so much worse when you've been dating a while, have been close then they give you the silent treatment. It hurts like nothing else. I wonder if the people that routinely do this have had that happen to them? It makes you wonder sometimes because surely if they had experienced the hurt this causes you'd think they'd think twice , maybe have a little conscience. Most likely they were keeping us on hand until they found "something better?" and there really is no reasonable explanation. "gee Hun sorry i stood you up with no explanation i just found someone sexier than you" I mean who's going to come out and say that.
And they don't have to face up to being morally bankrupt. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:04:23 AM | | The silent treatment is NEVER a method for dealing with issues. Most of us want someone that will communicate with us, and that is so key to any healthy relationship. I've had a nice pof guy tell me that he was more used to a different type of gal, and I can understand that and realize that I'll never be the ballerina of his dreams. I respect his honesty, but we both recognized that there wasn't any chemistry on that first date. Yet others think it's just fine to withdraw and disappear, even after a great time together. I prefer to know up front. And I will respect you enough to tell you the same thing. Why are we so afraid to just be honest with each other and talk? It would give us all some closure. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:12:40 AM | I dont know but listen to this ... I met this guy and we went out a couple of times just hangin out and well we had made plans one night to go out!! Well we didnt go out that night and he never called or anyhting so , he called me the next day stating something happend with one of his kids ok fine and all understandable !! So we hang out more and what not then he ask me one night if i wanted to go out for dinner after i got off work , which is cool he was gonna make reservations. So after work i call him and well no answer on his phone !! So i let it be. needless to say i havent heard from him since ..But at the same time i am like WTF... we hung out, and had fun and he seemed to like me , ie) he would visit me at work and bring coffee, kissed me, you know loving all up on me
I honestly think tho he had a wife, but i had asked him straight out and he said no that they seperated. So i dont know. Why do people have to do stupid stuff like that i would rather just be told straight up. | |
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.08
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Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/15/2007 1:27:59 PM | I tend to agree with the fact the silent treatment is wrong.
We are all adults (Most of us) and if I meet somebody and it does not work, I would expect them to be upfront with me as I would be upfront with them.
If is is not working just say so. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/17/2007 8:24:28 AM | I'll never understand it myself. Mine called me, said he was on his way here, less than half hour away. I was cooking a special dinner, he knew this. he no showed and has refused to talk to me since. He's active on here. Why would someone do that? Why not just say he wasn't coming in the first place. Why act like everything was hunky dory, calling me "Hun, Babes..." that's just so mean. We spent many weekends together and had alot of fun. He was talking about going on cruises for God's sake... Why be so cruel? It makes me crazy. I guess the answer is that these people are just devoid of morals or real feelings? Guess he found a "greener pasture". Felt like a fool for starting to trust him though, even thought I was starting to love him. Geesh
Guess I'll pay better attention next time  | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 4:25:33 PM | This thread starts poorly and with each post the OP digs a deeper hole----that's me NOT just letting things fade away...................
It seems it easy for this OP to come here and explain her reasons for not being up front with someone whose been in her company yet can't offer the same to said person. I honestly thought this was begun by someone in their early 20's instead of a "mature" woman well into her 40's.
Ignoring someone with the hopes they'll eventually go away or give up is an often heard complaint here on POF and it's nearly always the same. Instead of trying to dodge the issue facing it straight on is almost always best. Occasionally someone will begin insults once they've been "dumped" but that's where the blocking feature here comes in soooooooo very handy. If this is the only downside of being honest with someone it seems a small price to pay---in my mind anyway. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 5:19:20 PM | I agree there is no real nice way to tell someone you don't share their feelings. But i think people deserve some sort of explaination especially if you have been going out on dates. If someone genuinely cares for you and you just disappear you don't want them wondering if something happened to you. If you give them some explaination even if its sugarcoated it should help them move on. They may be angry or disappointed at first but in the long run they will respect you for it. But i guess that varies by the situation doesn't it? LOL.
I shared a couple emails with a guy and I didn't really see anything coming of it. I politely said I think we have different outlooks on life and don't think we would be compatible. I wished him luck and said "i hope you find the perfect woman for you".
He kept emailing me for a list of reasons...more details!! I'm not sure why someone would push it..why do you want to hear what you should obviously know and that is "i'm just not that into you". I emailed back one sorry but after that it went to the silent treatment. Sometimes you have no choice.  | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 5:26:45 PM | I have nothing to say to any of you.
Just kidding, I can only speak for myself, well I could speak for all of you but some of you scare me and then I'd get all weirded out at myself and I've spent too much of my life trying not to be so weirded out by myself to do that, but here's the only little bit I can add to this - nature and horny/desperate/lonely/vulnerable/needy people abhor a vacuum. If the dumper doesn't tell us why we fill in the blanks. We paint the blank canvas, the tabula rasa, so to speak and how that turns out is sometimes not so hot. We may devalue and demonize them way beyond what they deserve (assuming they deserve it a bit and they do because THEY DUMPED US AND WE ARE SWEET AND KIND AND SEXY AND ALL) and it gets icky and nasty emails get written and hang up voice mails get left and before you know it a big guy named "Snake" is serving a TRO at your door. Don't do that! Even being told "I'm sorry I don't feel any chemistry and I know you could shave that ear hair and I know that one day mankind will develop a solution to global warming but hon? I can't wait that long"
Just be honest and let the chips fall where they may.
I hope this helps! | |
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dpd22
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:55:06 PM | | Even if you were just talking to the person and never went out on a date, I don't think the silent treatment method should be used. Just say that "I'm longer interested" and maybe a brief explanation in some cases. If that person reacts poorly to that, then it's their problem. I think people should be completely upfront right away if they are no longer interested in the other person. The other person can move on quicker. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:14:34 PM | | I think it's wrong to give someone the silent treatment. If you keep telling them that you like them as a friend and slowly back away that would be better than just suddenly being gone. I would think that is not only rude but also hurtfull. This way if there are no fire works you might end up being good friends. Unless you feel something really bad about the person when you first met them you really have not been around them that long and if you have met someplace like this I would hope that you gave it some time talking and would know if you liked the person, otherwise why met them? | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:35:00 PM | | I'm with the majority on this one, the silent treatment is sooooo very wrong. I have had it done to me before, it stinks. I totally agree with missouri-gypsy, very rude and hurtful. I tell a guy when there is nothing there, not nice to lead someone on. (My Momma taught me right.) | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:24:56 PM | littlebit71 on 3/20/2007 8 20 PM:
I shared a couple emails with a guy and I didn't really see anything coming of it. I politely said I think we have different outlooks on life and don't think we would be compatible. I wished him luck and said "i hope you find the perfect woman for you".
He kept emailing me for a list of reasons...more details!! I'm not sure why someone would push it..why do you want to hear what you should obviously know and that is "i'm just not that into you". I emailed back one sorry but after that it went to the silent treatment. Sometimes you have no choice. littlebit, you did the courteous thing in the first place. The guy was a jerk for chasing it so far. Instead of the silent treatment maybe this one deserved to be reported to the site for harassment. That's not what this thread is about. You were MORE than kind. Don't be afraid to stand your ground and beware of stalkers! | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:31:20 PM | Whatever the reaction... I don't think there is any excuse for someone to give another the silent treatment. If you have to be honest be honest, better if feelings are going to get hurt that they do early on and don't lead to further heartache later. Even if you get a nasty response back, it's THEIR problem not yours and you can choose your reaction to it. I'd rather have someone tell me the brutal truth than just give me the silent treatment. I personally think it's inconsiderate to leave someone hanging.
OP you tried to explain nicely and got the nasty email back and all I have to say is at least you let him know... his reaction obviously shows that HE has issues. But at least you know YOU did the right thing. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:55:51 PM | I am of the silent treatment camp, but dam yesterday i went on a lunch date we made plans to go see a movie and now i really don't want to go, something else came up and I guess I'm just not that into her and it took me until after the date to figure it out. Should I have called her then, is an email inappropriate? Something like, Hi, got to thinking after the date and just didn't feel a connection? Don't really want to get into it more than that, she was a nice girl I'm sure we could be friends but to be honest im so busy i don't make a good friend for those I'm already friends with although I try I screw up.
Whats the best course of action, here?
Ma1e. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:01:41 PM |
Well, I really did not want to be friends but I said that to kinda make it easier and not so harsh......now by his reaction I realize maybe that was wrong.....there really is no NICE way to say....sorry but I don't like you.......I try to think of the other persons feelings
OP, I think that the silent treatment is better than a blatant excuse - lie (see your post above).
If one does not wish to continue a dating or other more advanced situation, one should be honest but "polite", i.e. say the real reason but choose the words wisely. "I do not like you" means what? As what?
The best way, I think, is to tell the person that you do not wish to see them any longer. There are no reasons in Eros, cause Eros has no logic. But a silent treatment is very mean too.
That is why we must be careful who we choose to date, cause if we need to call it off later, the quality of the person we dated will play a role in his/her reaction.
I once fixed a date from another site (in my own country). We went to a caffee! She obviously seemed cold almost immediately after we met. So I asked if she had changed her mind. She said yes, but waas astounded that I had the guts (!!!) to ask directly.. I explained to her that I had dated plenty already in my life and that her telling me she was not interested would not ruin my manhoood! I took her home and that was it. She was so impressed that she hinted that maybe we should meet again! I explained to her why not! I was not interested either, before she told me she was not either!!!! It is so much better to be open about it, but polite.
In general, people who say "it is my honest view .... thus I will be blunt about it" make me wonder what planet they have come from!!! Honesty is not a licence for cruelty!!! Some people!!! | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:08:29 PM | Just re-read and man I sound like a bit of a mule here. Honestly I want to do the right thing, and honestly id rather not your reasons for not liking me, therefore the camp location but it appears most would prefer I tell them so she probably feels the same. I was going to just go on the date and let her down easy but that would be wasting her time and mine.
So, I'll call her up tell her sorry but im just not that attracted to you and well you live to far for me to maintain any sort of friendship so you want to hangout one last time knowing your never gonna see me again?
Is that about right? Or how should I construct that delivery, not good at saying the right thing people.
Still...
Ma1e | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:40:43 PM | Just be straight up. Then a person can hopefully grow from their mistakes. AMybe you can become regular friends OR maybe it will take a little time then you will like them.
If they go full jerk, then that can only further renforce that you made the correct decision.
I personally think the silent treatment is immature. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:50:04 PM | alright, well maybe i'll just go probably have a good time she's a pretty cool chick im sure at some point though i'll end up cancelling on her and piss her off but i try to stick to plans if i can but I make em not to often as to not dissappoint.
Seriously, Id rather not know! but i can see how some might. Who's to know whos who though? | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/21/2007 1:10:28 AM | | I have never been known to give the silent treatment or to fade away. If I didn't like you or I didn't feel we clicked I will let you know and why. I am very nice about it though because I don't want to hurt anyone. I think the person deserves to know what I felt was wrong so he can grow from the experience, I would want the same from someone who didn't like me. And if by chance he gets nasty about it then that's too bad and he can deal with it by himself. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/21/2007 1:41:59 AM | "Silent treatment" is one of the preferred ways if a girl is simply not into you or that you were plain boring on a date or conversation. I've come across once where I knew I was boring during a date for minor reasons and blew my good chance at continuing a really hot date. All that time I was worried about something of my own rather than being fun and entertaining. I'm not saying we guys have to be dancing monkeys, but I simply wasn't enjoying it myself for other personal reasons.
Later on, I got silent treatment, ie. no msgs/return msgs/return calls. After a couple of extra msgs, I tested her limits and got a reply to tell me to back off as she was going back to her ex. (Probably an excuse, she was going to break up with him anyways by the sounds of it). | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/21/2007 2:00:53 AM | In a relationship, or even a meeting of 2 mature adults an explanation is recommended and in my experience appreciated. I am not perfect, and if I have flaws that drive people away I need to know, if it affects alot of people, I may have to fix it. A lot of people need help realizing their flaws.
However if one of the flaws is immaturity, jealousy, violence, or have low self-confidence ..facing the truth is extremely hard for them, and the silent treatment may be a safer option. Grey area, but safety > honesty. However unless physical harm is likely it is better to give an explanation. I know I would always want one.
If that happens often, maybe you should start screening your dates better, or find out what is wrong with you that make you attracted to these guys. Food for thought. | |
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| The Silent Treatment or Giving an explanation WHY it is a No
Posted: 3/21/2007 5:34:10 AM | | The silent treatment is not the way I would want it to go. Then there's always that thought that the person might have lost your number or something stupid like that. I would rather a man have the balls enough to say to me, I'm just not interested. That to me is a lot more respectful, and I feel like I deserve at least that much respect. | |
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